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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
If you came from a wealthy family and your significant other did not...
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Anonymous
OP, the question for me is whether you can afford that $700 hotel room. If you're not spending money because you're worried about losing your job, well, then that's a realistic fear and you don't have enough money to spend $700 on a hotel room. Of course, you're not asking about now, you're asking about later so maybe later you'll have the money to do that. But my question for you is - will you pay for that room with cash or will you put it on a credit card and pay it off on time? Are you worried about whether this guy will object to what you spend your money on or that he will object to you spending money you don't have? |
Anonymous
You mean, "If I *were* a troll." |
Anonymous
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OP, lots of couples manage to get past different spending habits, whether it's hobbies, clothes, technology, etc.
Here's how to do it. Put all that other 'how do I get him to...' crap aside. It doesn't matter what he thinks. Set up your money and agree upon having n allowance and separate accounts for discretionary spending . Neither of you is allowed to influence what the other spends their money on. You can spend yours on whatever you want and he can let his stockpile - they are not community property. He might not want or need as much of a spending allowance as you, and as long as you both agree and are ok with that, then it will work. If you want to buy your daughter overpriced made in china crew cuts, then so be it. If he buys a Harley in 10 years, that's his decision too. Then the 'lifestyle' thing becomes less of an issue. Once you start 'treating' him to dinners out, etc., he might realize that the finer things are important to you and compromise a bit. Or, you save the finer experiences for your friends and family. |
Anonymous
| Class is not money ... |
Anonymous
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I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to have similar values when it comes to money. I don't think it has anything to do with how wealthy you grew up - my parents grew up poor in a foreign country, my husband's parents were literally part of a royal family in that same foreign country - so his family grew up with a LOT more money than mine.
Yet we have the same veiw of spending - be cautious with spending, make sure to save, and don't be a miser. There is no point in making money if you're not going to enjoy it sometimes. So, while we try to pack lunches and minimize takeout, we have spent $200 on a single amazing meal before, because we don't see that as a waste. Takeout b/c you were too lazy to go grocery shopping? waste. Takeout because you really really want thai food? not a waste. My mother thinks I'm nuts because I spent $200 on a wallet (she has never paid more than $10), but she thinks that I'm cheap for using powdered formula instead of ready to feed. It's all about priorities, appreciating certain extravagances, but making sure that you are still financially secure. (And my mother in law HATES to see even the smallest bit of food go to waste...fortunately, she's an alchemist that way and can turn leftovers into something amazing.) |
Anonymous
Totally agree (20:33 here) - matters much less where you come from than your overall views on spending. |
Anonymous
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There is another nuance here in terms of priorities. Are you focused on materials goods (your brand name dropping indicates so) or experiences? It's possible your new friend/ex sees that as a distinction and does not value material goods as highly as you but would be okay with experiences (trips, eating out, etc.). Worth exploring.
Frankly your obsession with how much you are spending on stuff strikes me as immature. You seem to be more focused on what it costs rather than what it's worth. A $200 B&B can be just as charming, if not more so, than a $700 hotel room. You seem to be focused on spending money just to prove something (that you can maybe?) Maybe that is coming through to others? |
Anonymous
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I think your questions could come down to this:
* is he comfortable in the 5-star experience? If the two of you won a trip to (insert exotic, expensive, exclusive location here), would you have a good time together? Or would he be uncomfortable in those surrounding? * is he comfortable with the COST of the 5-star experience? It is one thing to be comfortable in the surroundings and appreciate them, but if he spends the entire time going "why are we paying $10 for a liter of water" or really thinks the money would be better spent feeding the hungry, you might not find you don't have the common ground for a future together. * is he controlling? Once all the "needs" (mortgage, utility bills, retirement savings, college savings, medical bills, etc) are paid, would he be OK with each of you having your own allowance or separate funds? Would he be OK with you spending that money however you wish? Be that on $3,000 handbags, a Harley-Davidson, a spa trip with your best girlfriends? * when it comes to the extras, where would you each rather spend the money? Fine clothing? Art? Cars? Larger home? Trips? Restaurant meals? Parties for friends? Club memberships? These are some of the things you need to learn about each other. That's part of what dating is for: learning about each other and whether or not your long-term goals and hopes are compatible. They don't have to be identical, but they do need to have a lot in common. FWIW, my mother is from a working class family; my father is from a stodgy family of multiple generations of Ivy League and Seven Sisters grads. But they had enough of these things in common that they made their relationship work. I happen to think the sexual politics can be a little more challenging when the woman comes from a privileged background and the man is from a working class background. But if you have common values, you can make it work. My advice is to take it slow and get to know each other before leapfrogging ahead several steps to "the rest of our lives". Especially now that you have a child (more children?), the stakes are higher and you should be really certain before getting in too deep. |
Anonymous
| I think it's better when people "stay with their own kind". It's hard to live with someone with such a different background/values. |
Anonymous
I disagree - I posted above (husband from very wealthy family, mine not so much...at all) and money has not once been a source of contention for us. |
Anonymous
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I think this is just the question to be asking. Money has been a ridiculous problem for us---how to spend, when to spend, what's valued. My husband would go to the store and come back with a single gallon of milk. Since DS needed three gallons to get through the week, I thought (with my middle class U.S. upbringing) that we should go food shopping on Sunday to get everything we needed for the week. He would make three single trips, inconveniencing everyone and stressing out the daycare workers who were always asking him to bring more milk. When we got married, I think the whole damn thing cost $3,000. He contributed exactly $700 to the pot and this only after tears and teeth-pulling. When he saw the Bose system featured in the suite where we held the reception, he wanted to buy it "for our home" and jumped online. Nevermind that he hadn't bought a gift for me or planned even a night away as a honeymoon. How you spend your money matters. A lot. He spent money on a tricked out fancy refrigerator that cost thousands (and that we absolutely didn't need), but didn't want to pay for a plane ticket to come to see me when I was away for 5 weeks. [No need to note the obvious issues here folks, I see them.] The point is, own up to who you are and what you need. I coupon clip, but the salespeople at Tiffany's know me by name. I happily wear dresses from Target. I have three pairs of shoes. One purse. I eat out maybe twice a year. But, I prefer to have someone in to clean the house once a month and I don't really mind paying to have a big order of groceries delivered. I pay good money for theater tickets, and don't really see the occasional bundle of flowers for Whole Foods as a waste of money. It paints a picture, doesn't it? You should start asking him about these things. How does he vacation? What were his feelings about how other women in his life spend their money? Has he ever had an expensive hobby and what did that look like (an iTunes collection or a boat down at the marina)? I spend on jewelry and experience. My husband spends on tech and toys. It didn't matter so much when we were dating, but now that he won't pay for our son to take art classes, it matters an awful lot. |
Anonymous
| My family had a lot of money growing up and my DH grew up in a tiny town and his parents were teachers. They weren't poor by any stretch, but there was a MASSIVE difference in the ways we grew up. I have honestly found it to be really helpful for us. He tempers me and keeps me from wasting money like my parents did and I help him to splurge a little more than he did growing up. I think it has been really helpful. I guess what I'm saying is don't assume the influence of your family money will be a one-way street. He might teach you somethings you appreciate as well! |
Anonymous
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Thank you for all the food for thought... And the laugh, I am so not emotionally vested in my ex. I am really head over heels for this man that I am with and I just want to make sure that I am not making the same mistakes, which could be devastating. I would, honestly, rather be with him than let my money issues (which I'm not describing very well) come between us. I also want to point out I'm doing fine in the making money arena but I am afraid to spend, that's why my mom will buy things I won't buy for myself. I make about $200k-$225/year depending on bonuses. 1. Being "afraid to spend" is another way of saying you're saving money. That's a good thing. Just because you COULD go out and spend $3K on a handbag tomorrow doesn't mean you can responsibly afford to do so. 2. $225K is a nice salary but won't even begin to finance the type of lifestyle you're describing. And you have a child. Unless you're relying on your mom for things like housing, cars, college and retirement savings, I think you need a serious reality check about your current situation. I HIGHLY recommend meeting with a financial planner to help you sort out your savings goals and spending priorities. |
Anonymous
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OP I think the issue is less about a wealthy background vs a middle or lower class background but on how you both manage discretionary money. Money is one of the biggest issues that couples fight about it so its worth it to figure it out before you get married. You don't, however, want to project your fights with ex onto your new relationship.
One thing to consider is that it may matter less whether your DH sees value in designer clothers and expensive restaurants but more on whether you both agree on the size of your discretionary budget, the decision making process to spend it, and what autonomy you both have toward it. |
Anonymous
Do you and DH have similar educational levels? |