If you came from a wealthy family and your significant other did not...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not committed to these things, I would like them them to not be a problem. My ex would literally flip out about buying nice things and then back-track when he realized that he liked them. One X-Mas when we were still childless I bought him Alden loafers and he got so angry that I spent that amount of money on shoes and then he ended up loving them after realizing that you can wear them forever. It was just so aggravating that he couldn't see the value in something of good quality. I also would like to point out that help from my parents is pretty much children's clothes and the occasional splurge for me, I would never ask for furniture or money for my house. I think I am worried about wanting to buy something nice, which will last in my mind and be good quality; I don't want to constantly be guilted into the cheaper option the way I used to be. I was asking if this was common.

Not the PP you're responding to, but:

I don't know, OP -- you say you just want enduring material goods (higher price = longer lasting = better value), but earlier you mentioned spending $700/night on a hotel...I guess I don't see how that's anything but a big splurge. If you're relying on family for clothing for your children, I don't think this should be your priority. You may have grown up with these things (and get nice things when your family gifts them to you), but you yourself are not wealthy and you can't expect that a man who commits himself to a relationship with you will be comfortable spending exorbitant amounts because you're used to luxuries you can't afford without family help.

I agree 100% with another PP that you're approaching this relationship a little wrong. If you want luxury, ignore any man who doesn't have the means to support your desired lifestyle. If you want a good marriage to someone who may or may not ever be able to afford you the lifestyle you want (but may be more compatible in other -- more enduring -- ways), then see where things go with this guy.

Pick your priority: material things or a relationship with this non-wealthy guy. Most couples fight over money, and you'll probably never find a middle-class guy who's comfortable entirely comfortable with your expectations of spending money.

[Anonymous]

I'm in this situation but wouldn't splurge on some of the things you mention. My DH is grateful for what my family's money (inherited; parents died young) can provide - no mortgage, school loans (his) paid off, no real financial concerns long-term. But, I don't buy fancy clothes or go on fancy trips and I limit day to day spending (as opposed to mortgage, tuition etc) to what our incomes dictate. It's a bit of a weird dynamic as I'm the woman and we both are dependent on my family's money, though we don't define it in those terms. But we are lucky, we know it, and we make it work.

[Anonymous]

I think you may not being honest with yourself, OP. You mentioned the shoes, and how you like to buy things of good quality because they last. I have to tell you that expensive things often do not last any longer than inexpensive things. If you went upstairs to the shoe rack in my closet right now, you would find Gucci, Labouton, Choo, Tahari, Dior, Stuart Weitzman, Michael Kors, and others. Guess what? They all wear out after two years, especially if you wear them every day for work. The only shoes that last for years are the ones you don't routinely wear. The same was true many years ago when my closet had Nine West, Etienne Agner, and so on. I think you need to really look in your heart and see what you value and why this relationship is giving you pause. It may be that you want someone who can get you back to the affluent lifestyle you previously had. That's a lot of burden to put on someone. When I married my DH, he came from a family that was at least upper middle class, and possibly plain old affluent. His grandfather is also very wealthy. I didn't marry him for that (which is a good thing since we have not inherited any money). We've always been a team, and I actually outearn him by a fair margin right now. We do live a very nice lfiestyle, but it because of both of our contributions. I think you ought to adjust your expectations to reflect life as it really is now. The other thing I find striking is that you never mention your child and wanting things for them. I have two children myself, and they have their share of designer shoes, too. I wouldn't buy myself those things if I couldn't buy them for the rest of my family. For you, though, it still seems to be all about you, at least in your post.

[Anonymous]

1) You're not wealthy. Your family is, but you do not actually own, or create, significant wealth, at least according to your description.

2) The real issue is: how does he feel about receiving monetary gifts from your family? and how does he feel about your values regarding money and spending? I think you need to be with someone who does not find 300$/yard fabric slightly obscene.

3) part of the above equation means what are your values in general--do you value designer things OVER (x,y,z). These are situation and you can't really answer this, but in the process of getting to know this guy you may discover some answers. You can't really give him a quiz, or 'test him" but you could be somewhat open about it, once you're comfortable.


4) What happened with your ex is that you had very different values, and it seems to me that at some level you may acknowledge that some of your values are perhaps on the shallower end, but you're also defensive about this. Instead of being defensive, just accept that is is who you are. You grew up with money and even though you don't make a lot, you still expect you'll be getting a lot from your family, and should you choose to spend it on luxury goods and other high end/designer/'name' things that most people either can't afford or find alien and perhaps a little obscene, you don't want to be judged for that. But don't put the onus on someone else ('they grew up poor, so they just can't understand how important and how much better dinner at Citronelle/designer loafers/300$/yard fabric is and instead they judge me for it, when I just happen to be a better connoisseur of quality, it's so unfair!" Seriously: Own your values, or change them.



5) financial differences are frequently an issue between partners, but it often has nothing to do with the income discrepancy or background, and more to do with values. DH grew up poor, worked through college and since, is in his early 40s and just paying off loans now. I grew up in a fairly comfortable family and will be the beneficiary of a trust that will ensure some financial security, if not wealth, and I plan to use it pretty much all for the kids --but this does not factor at all into our plans (it doesn't even seem real) except that I feel less stressed about not having saved enough for college. In the meantime, we live according to our means, and our lifestyle reflects our values. We drive a 10 year old toyoa camry (one), live in a rather downtrodden house in an unfashionable neighborhood, send our youngest to a (fabulous) home daycare, do not buy expensive clothes at all (for me Ann Taylor on sale is as fancy as it gets), vacation on the cheap, bought our last couch from Ikea..... BUT we travel widely, eat well, go to theater and museums, take hiking trips, etc. My one splurge is occasionally buying the work of young artists. So, despite our different backgrounds, we never disagree about money or what we should spend it on. We share the same values, despite having different backgrounds.

6) Finally, seems to me that you're still very much emotionally invested inyour ex. Are you really ready to move on? Because if you view this guy through the lens of the last one, that is not going to work.

[Anonymous]

OP, I grew up in a family with "money to burn" and am now happily married and we are living a very comfortable lifestyle. My parent still provide gifts from time to time, although they are mostly for DC or family vacations. That said, I would kill my 0d0h if he ever suggested spending 700 a night on a hotel room. The most I'd ever spend is 500 and that's been because it was an exotic locale and that was a normal price. It has nothing to do with being uncomfortable spending that amount of money, it has to do with the fact that I'm mature and responsible enough to know that its important to not overspend. We have to plan for private schools, college, retirement or, God forbid, any type of disaster, illness, etc. I think that's what you have to think about. Not whether its the luxury that would make him uncomfortable, rather the fact he might think that money might be used in a more responsible manner. All that aside, OP, you seem a bit immature and I don't think you are being honest with yourself about this luxury issue. Please consider if it makes guys uncomfortable because it looks like you're spending money you don't have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) You're not wealthy. Your family is, but you do not actually own, or create, significant wealth, at least according to your description.

2) The real issue is: how does he feel about receiving monetary gifts from your family? and how does he feel about your values regarding money and spending? I think you need to be with someone who does not find 300$/yard fabric slightly obscene.

3) part of the above equation means what are your values in general--do you value designer things OVER (x,y,z). These are situation and you can't really answer this, but in the process of getting to know this guy you may discover some answers. You can't really give him a quiz, or 'test him" but you could be somewhat open about it, once you're comfortable.


4) What happened with your ex is that you had very different values, and it seems to me that at some level you may acknowledge that some of your values are perhaps on the shallower end, but you're also defensive about this. Instead of being defensive, just accept that is is who you are. You grew up with money and even though you don't make a lot, you still expect you'll be getting a lot from your family, and should you choose to spend it on luxury goods and other high end/designer/'name' things that most people either can't afford or find alien and perhaps a little obscene, you don't want to be judged for that. But don't put the onus on someone else ('they grew up poor, so they just can't understand how important and how much better dinner at Citronelle/designer loafers/300$/yard fabric is and instead they judge me for it, when I just happen to be a better connoisseur of quality, it's so unfair!" Seriously: Own your values, or change them.



5) financial differences are frequently an issue between partners, but it often has nothing to do with the income discrepancy or background, and more to do with values. DH grew up poor, worked through college and since, is in his early 40s and just paying off loans now. I grew up in a fairly comfortable family and will be the beneficiary of a trust that will ensure some financial security, if not wealth, and I plan to use it pretty much all for the kids --but this does not factor at all into our plans (it doesn't even seem real) except that I feel less stressed about not having saved enough for college. In the meantime, we live according to our means, and our lifestyle reflects our values. We drive a 10 year old toyoa camry (one), live in a rather downtrodden house in an unfashionable neighborhood, send our youngest to a (fabulous) home daycare, do not buy expensive clothes at all (for me Ann Taylor on sale is as fancy as it gets), vacation on the cheap, bought our last couch from Ikea..... BUT we travel widely, eat well, go to theater and museums, take hiking trips, etc. My one splurge is occasionally buying the work of young artists. So, despite our different backgrounds, we never disagree about money or what we should spend it on. We share the same values, despite having different backgrounds.

6) Finally, seems to me that you're still very much emotionally invested inyour ex. Are you really ready to move on? Because if you view this guy through the lens of the last one, that is not going to work.

Thank you for all the food for thought... And the laugh, I am so not emotionally vested in my ex. I am really head over heels for this man that I am with and I just want to make sure that I am not making the same mistakes, which could be devastating. I would, honestly, rather be with him than let my money issues (which I'm not describing very well) come between us. I also want to point out I'm doing fine in the making money arena but I am afraid to spend, that's why my mom will buy things I won't buy for myself. I make about $200k-$225/year depending on bonuses.

[Anonymous]

'I be buying'

Hmmm....you come from a family of privilege and use grammar like that?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, that is not a lot of money especially since you are a single mom. The things you want are usually not things people buy/do without a significantly higher income. Maybe you never were required to have money sense before now, but your child requires it of you. Kind of reminds me of a story I saw in the Washington Post years ago about a hair dresser who was a single mom with one child, and she put every penny she made into designer shoes. She was fairly in demand and made in the high 100s, but she rented a small apartment and used the cheapest child care she could find so that she could feed her shoe habit. Why are these things so important to you? You really need to ask yourself that.

[Anonymous]

Op, 200-225k/year is certainly very comfortable and a lot of folks would call that wealthy. BUT for a family in this area, it's hardly enough to justify really high end luxury things on a regular basis, if you are also paying off a mortgage, saving for retirements and saving for college, etc. So what I'm getting from your post is not so much about some real situation like "I've got tons and tons of money so I can afford all of this stuff, how is this guy going to perceive it?" and more like "I have money in my family and am accustomed to a certain 'lifestyle'" but worry this puts me out of touch with a lot of people, including this guy."

If you really love this guy, then you probably also admire his values, or should at least have an inkling of them by now. and unless there is something we don't know about, your situation doesn't seem extraordinary enough to warrant your anxiety, except for the fact that you have a history here, and that you seem more than many (wealthy) people I know to actually seem really invested in a certain lifestyle and anxious that a relationship might put a damper on that.

to that I say, love is priceless. There's nothing wrong with liking nice stuff, but there is something wrong if material goods and the pursuit of status come before other things, like human connection, love, beauty, peace, happiness, etc. If you learn to put "stuff" and its valuation in in perspective and more importantly see it from someone else's perspective (which is key in general for relationships) all the better.

fwiw, i have a very, very wealthy stepmother who occasionally gifts us with things like a new refrigerator (welcome) or silver candlesticks (not so welcome) and has tried to gift us money (it went in the kids 529 instead). But she is always shopping, buying, talking about buying stuff, collection stuff, and trying to get us stuff (that frankly we do not want, need or have space for). While DH finds this a little weird and annoying, he does not view it as a reflection on me or feel some sort of unspoken class resentment because of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:'I be buying'

Hmmm....you come from a family of privilege and use grammar like that?

Ha, did I say that somewhere? Blame my poor editing, not my poor grammar. I sometimes change my mind and rephrase my sentence without deleting enough.

If I was a troll, I would tell you that you are being racist

[Anonymous]

What 19:33 said on 5/1/2011

In addition, I think having a money talk makes sense. Now, if you have the income to fund the lifestyle you desire, then by all means invite him in. If you are expecting him to finance this lifestyle, then you are actually going to require him to be a willing supporter.

Buying a $3000 handbag is a dumb-ass idea if one is "relying" on backpay child support to get you through life's necessary expenses. I'm not sure that you said this was the case for you... but also keep in mind that that $3000 can go a long way toward something he likes, and it probably ain't a handbag. So, you know, a balance.

[Anonymous]

My DH grew up affluent and I grew up working class... more specifically, he came from a family of well to do doctors and my dad was a janitor. I was the first in my family to go to college while everyone in his family has an MD or PhD (or both). We were amazing at first but over the years this difference created arguments between us... somewhat similar to arguments between people of different cultures (bc really, we did come from different cultures).

I know he looks down on my family as being "simple" but pleasant people. He considers me simple also bc I have a lot of their values. All of this didn't come out, though, until we had kids.

I love him dearly but I sometimes question how much longer this marriage will last. I think he wishes that he had married someone of the same ilk.

[Anonymous]

"I have two children myself, and they have their share of designer shoes, too."

Designer shoes for kids?

[Anonymous]

"And don't even get me started on eating out, I guess I just see if he wants to go to Citronelle and gage his reaction?"

Not sure if you were joking, but I have to say this comes off as really immature. As some of the pps have said, you need to have discussions with the guy about what your financial values and goals are. Including, when the time and situation is right, "If I spent 3K on fabric for a couch because I really loved it (or whatever the reason), would you think I was crazy or would you be okay with it?" Over time, you'll figure out if it'll work. But don't test him by seeing what his reaction is to expensive things - talk to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH grew up affluent and I grew up working class... more specifically, he came from a family of well to do doctors and my dad was a janitor. I was the first in my family to go to college while everyone in his family has an MD or PhD (or both). We were amazing at first but over the years this difference created arguments between us... somewhat similar to arguments between people of different cultures (bc really, we did come from different cultures).

I know he looks down on my family as being "simple" but pleasant people. He considers me simple also bc I have a lot of their values. All of this didn't come out, though, until we had kids.

I love him dearly but I sometimes question how much longer this marriage will last. I think he wishes that he had married someone of the same ilk.

OP here, thank you! I wanted to hear this side of things. I knew my question could very easily turn into a hate fest but I truly wanted the whole gamut of opinions about personal experience. Not so much the misguided judgements... I don't have time to go through my life story, I cannot communicate it all.