If you came from a wealthy family and your significant other did not...

[Anonymous]

I would like honest responses about the problems you had with this. Especially, if you wanted to continue the lifestyle you were raised in and your significant other had no clue what it was like. Were they able to adjust to understand things like the disparity in expenses? Did the overall difference in how you were raised cause disagreements in the long run? I have met someone who grew up with far less means than I did but we immediately clicked in the MOST AMAZING way. Now I am struggling with whether or not we will work. I am a woman, FWIW.

[Anonymous]

Do either of you have the money to continue living that lifestyle?

If so, and it's your money, then tell him not to worry. You're covering the bill.

My family is self-made. They started literally with nothing and created a great life. But, they got that way by reinvesting every dollar they could into businesses and investments. I had a modest childhood, and I've continued living that way even though I don't have to. I'll be inheriting everything someday. I've seen adult children squander too much wealth. I continue to work and add to the pot. I fear wasting the wealth on stuff.

I'm no saint. I've made one or two splurges in my youth, but the joy of buying a luxury car wore off very, very fast.

How you're raised determines how you live as an adult. It might be hard to "change" him.

[Anonymous]

Op here, we don't have the money yet to support it in full but I have the means to maintain and I'm supplemented through family gifts. My worry is that *if things work out* ten years down the line we will be arguing about the $300/yard fabric I want to recover the couch with...

I think my biggest fear is that it will be my relationship with my DCs' father all over again. We were mostly living on hand-me-downs and hand-outs and he still thought it was extravagant. I was struggling to maintain some semblance of the lifestyle I was used to without actually indulging in any luxuries. I can't do that again. I'm not talking private jets or even Beamers, I'm fine with my 10-year old car but I don't want to be treated like a brat for liking Barneys or wanting to browse around in VanCleef.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, we don't have the money yet to support it in full but I have the means to maintain and I'm supplemented through family gifts. My worry is that *if things work out* ten years down the line we will be arguing about the $300/yard fabric I want to recover the couch with...

I think my biggest fear is that it will be my relationship with my DCs' father all over again. We were mostly living on hand-me-downs and hand-outs and he still thought it was extravagant. I was struggling to maintain some semblance of the lifestyle I was used to without actually indulging in any luxuries. I can't do that again. I'm not talking private jets or even Beamers, I'm fine with my 10-year old car but I don't want to be treated like a brat for liking Barneys or wanting to browse around in VanCleef.

You might prefer more practical material when/if you have kids. Or leather furniture to flop on and eat on while relaxing. If your present child and any future chilren are active in sports etc you will have schedules that mesh with their needs. They have homework and classes with limited school breaks. That period covers over a decade.

there is a point where you can be comfortable - good house, no mortgage, paid for cars, tuition $ not a stretch.

[Anonymous]

For his sake, tell him how you expect to be living ten years from now. Let him decide.

I'd worry about how you're going to make said money before you spend it.

Will you be 40 and living on gifts from parents?

[Anonymous]

OP,
Have you done therapy? Seriously, are you possibly on the verge of repeating something? The only thing to do is to see what sort of financial sensibility he has and take it from there. My ex had funds, more than me, but was a cheapo, too!

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe I'm missing something here, but where exactly is the disparity in expenses you are worried about? You get by with a 10-yr-old car and gifts from family (you do not mention your HHI, but I would guess your wealth will be inherited and is not coming from your income, from what you've written). It does not sound like you are living any differently from 70% of the middle-class (or upper-middle) people around here (perhaps more frugally, even? DH and I aren't wealthy, but we can/do afford luxuries and have newish cars).

And I don't know why you think family wealth would cause a great disparity in your and his spending behavior unless you yourself were actually wealthy enough not to care about money at all (e.g., private jets, luxury cars, mansions) -- I've known people who grew up poor who were profligate spenders, and people who grew up rich that were misers -- and vice versa.

Why don't you take a deep breath, commit to finding out more about this guy (more than his bottom line), and allow yourself to take a chance? You may be pleasantly surprised. And if he turns out like your ex, dump him.

[Anonymous]

Interesting topic!
My parents are educated and father was a dr - and my dh's parents did not go to college and have absolutely no money and have always been poor.
I grew up traveling the world and they have never left the states.
My husband fortunately makes good money and I work part time so really on his income tremendously.
I am the one who is tight with money and he is not so I dont think our backgrounds have anything to do with how we view money now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, maybe I'm missing something here, but where exactly is the disparity in expenses you are worried about? You get by with a 10-yr-old car and gifts from family (you do not mention your HHI, but I would guess your wealth will be inherited and is not coming from your income, from what you've written). It does not sound like you are living any differently from 70% of the middle-class (or upper-middle) people around here (perhaps more frugally, even? DH and I aren't wealthy, but we can/do afford luxuries and have newish cars).

And I don't know why you think family wealth would cause a great disparity in your and his spending behavior unless you yourself were actually wealthy enough not to care about money at all (e.g., private jets, luxury cars, mansions) -- I've known people who grew up poor who were profligate spenders, and people who grew up rich that were misers -- and vice versa.

Why don't you take a deep breath, commit to finding out more about this guy (more than his bottom line), and allow yourself to take a chance? You may be pleasantly surprised. And if he turns out like your ex, dump him.

OP here, honestly, my income is fine. I'm just afraid to spend right now. I literally cannot bring myself to buy a car because I am worried about what if I lose my job? My ex doesn't pay any child support therefore he isn't around and won't be until I get my back support; I have childcare costs, the house, etc. It could be a whole lot worse, and my wealthy family really steps up by babysitting and buying things that I wouldn't buy like loads of Crewcuts and Ralph Lauren kids clothing, my mom buys herself a new pair of Kate Spade shoes and then buys my sister and myself a matching pair, etc. It's all totally unnecessary but it provides for me in a way that I wouldn't provide for myself.

I just don't want to enter into a bad fit but I don't know how to ask, "Do you foresee yourself spending $700/night on a hotel room?" Not that I want that all the time but what if I do want it once a year? Once every two years? Maybe only at the Bauer Grunwald in Venice? I don't need a mansion but I don't want to feel guilty for buying a Miele vacuum and I really think about these things because buying designer clothing for myself used to start WWIII and honestly I be buying Akris and not just Theory... When I even do go shopping. Ugh. And don't even get me started on eating out, I guess I just see if he wants to go to Citronelle and gage his reaction?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting topic!
My parents are educated and father was a dr - and my dh's parents did not go to college and have absolutely no money and have always been poor.
I grew up traveling the world and they have never left the states.
My husband fortunately makes good money and I work part time so really on his income tremendously.
I am the one who is tight with money and he is not so I dont think our backgrounds have anything to do with how we view money now.

OP here, travel (and traveling nicely) is one thing that I really don't like to spare any expense with. Did you have to teach your DH to enjoy travel? Was difficult to make him come around to enjoying the things that you grew up doing that he didn't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting topic!
My parents are educated and father was a dr - and my dh's parents did not go to college and have absolutely no money and have always been poor.
I grew up traveling the world and they have never left the states.
My husband fortunately makes good money and I work part time so really on his income tremendously.
I am the one who is tight with money and he is not so I dont think our backgrounds have anything to do with how we view money now.

OP here, travel (and traveling nicely) is one thing that I really don't like to spare any expense with. Did you have to teach your DH to enjoy travel? Was difficult to make him come around to enjoying the things that you grew up doing that he didn't?

Not at all OP - I think bc my husband had never been anywhere before and that he finally had money he was so excited to go anywhere and everywhere. Since I am the one who was well traveled and my parents never held back on spending - I was the one in our marriage who would try to save and stay at less expensive places if I thought it was not worth it. My husband lived one extreme and now wants to be exposed to the other. Luckily he makes enough money to afford it but I have become incredibly stingy after having kids (thinking of their futures). I remember my father had to take a job in Saudi for 3 years so that he could pay for private school and college for us - that is how spoiled we were. So far the only thing that I thing I could think of that might be a conflict is the private versus public school expense. I am frugal but not for schooling - and he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting topic!
My parents are educated and father was a dr - and my dh's parents did not go to college and have absolutely no money and have always been poor.
I grew up traveling the world and they have never left the states.
My husband fortunately makes good money and I work part time so really on his income tremendously.
I am the one who is tight with money and he is not so I dont think our backgrounds have anything to do with how we view money now.

OP here, travel (and traveling nicely) is one thing that I really don't like to spare any expense with. Did you have to teach your DH to enjoy travel? Was difficult to make him come around to enjoying the things that you grew up doing that he didn't?

Not at all OP - I think bc my husband had never been anywhere before and that he finally had money he was so excited to go anywhere and everywhere. Since I am the one who was well traveled and my parents never held back on spending - I was the one in our marriage who would try to save and stay at less expensive places if I thought it was not worth it. My husband lived one extreme and now wants to be exposed to the other. Luckily he makes enough money to afford it but I have become incredibly stingy after having kids (thinking of their futures). I remember my father had to take a job in Saudi for 3 years so that he could pay for private school and college for us - that is how spoiled we were. So far the only thing that I thing I could think of that might be a conflict is the private versus public school expense. I am frugal but not for schooling - and he is.

Good to know, thanks so much for your response! I have never felt this way about someone before. I've had hard crushes but there was always something about them that was off or I knew it was wrong. It's just going so smoothly and so passionate, wow. The common sense part of me just has this one reservation that I might have problems getting him on board with my lifestyle but there doesn't seem to be an issue yet. He is so nice and he told me that I'm amazing, which I really haven't heard enough from a man before.

[Anonymous]

My DH grew up differently than I did. When we were younger there were times we could have had it easier by accepting help from my parents, but my DH was not comfortable with taking handouts from them. He had no problem if my mom bought me clothes and such, and he was fine with them taking us on nice vacations. But he wouldn't take any actual money and wouldn't take help with things like buying a house, cars, furniture, etc. Instead, we both worked our asses off and now we make MORE than enough to keep us very comfortable. It is so freeing not to rely on family, and I am so proud of my DH for sticking to his morals. I think it would be hard for me to respect him (and myself) long-term if we were living off of someone else.

OP you seem really committed to having high-end brand names and fancy travel, even when you yourself can't comfortably support that lifestyle right now. You're looking at these things as non-negotiable and considering giving up on a potentially great guy so you can wear Kate Spade shoes. Perhaps this has something to do with why you've found it difficult to find a lasting relationship with a quality guy. Instead of looking for someone who can fit into the lifestyle you imagine one day having, why not look for someone whose goals and priorities are in line with yours, and then work together to achieve those goals. It doesn't matter where he came from if you're both headed to the same place. This approach worked really well for me--for a while I loved below what my means could have been, but at 41 I have the lifestyle I expected, a marriage that is better than I could have ever imagined, and the pride that comes from having built these things ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH grew up differently than I did. When we were younger there were times we could have had it easier by accepting help from my parents, but my DH was not comfortable with taking handouts from them. He had no problem if my mom bought me clothes and such, and he was fine with them taking us on nice vacations. But he wouldn't take any actual money and wouldn't take help with things like buying a house, cars, furniture, etc. Instead, we both worked our asses off and now we make MORE than enough to keep us very comfortable. It is so freeing not to rely on family, and I am so proud of my DH for sticking to his morals. I think it would be hard for me to respect him (and myself) long-term if we were living off of someone else.

OP you seem really committed to having high-end brand names and fancy travel, even when you yourself can't comfortably support that lifestyle right now. You're looking at these things as non-negotiable and considering giving up on a potentially great guy so you can wear Kate Spade shoes. Perhaps this has something to do with why you've found it difficult to find a lasting relationship with a quality guy. Instead of looking for someone who can fit into the lifestyle you imagine one day having, why not look for someone whose goals and priorities are in line with yours, and then work together to achieve those goals. It doesn't matter where he came from if you're both headed to the same place. This approach worked really well for me--for a while I loved below what my means could have been, but at 41 I have the lifestyle I expected, a marriage that is better than I could have ever imagined, and the pride that comes from having built these things ourselves.

I'm not committed to these things, I would like them them to not be a problem. My ex would literally flip out about buying nice things and then back-track when he realized that he liked them. One X-Mas when we were still childless I bought him Alden loafers and he got so angry that I spent that amount of money on shoes and then he ended up loving them after realizing that you can wear them forever. It was just so aggravating that he couldn't see the value in something of good quality. I also would like to point out that help from my parents is pretty much children's clothes and the occasional splurge for me, I would never ask for furniture or money for my house. I think I am worried about wanting to buy something nice, which will last in my mind and be good quality; I don't want to constantly be guilted into the cheaper option the way I used to be. I was asking if this was common.

[Anonymous]

I think it is best to figure out if both of you can live within your means. If you can't you wont last together no matter how much or how little money you have.