MIA parent wanting back in after 1yr+... How do I deal?!?!

[Anonymous]

OP,
Okay it sounds like he doesn't know what he wants.

The law is different in DC, MD and VA.
You need to meet with a lawyer.
Custody: It's physical and legal.
Sole and joint or primary and joint in various configurations.
So you can have primary physical and joint legal or joint legal and joint physical.
You would negotiate child support with visitation.
Some folks with primary physical do the same schedule as those with joint physical.

I doubt he is going to go for full custody. It would cost tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees. He would not have a strong case. Though he could do it as a strategy to get joint. He could go for and get joint, especially in DC but also in MD and VA. Joint can mean 50-50, 4-3, all sorts of ways to do visitation.

I suggest you meet with a lawyer. Denying him access to work against you, even though he has not paid child support. How? Well, did you ask for child support and he turn you down? Nope. So how did he know you wanted it. Now, he wants to see his child and you need funds? Why is that all of a sudden. This is how the system works.

[Anonymous]

First, you need to sit down with ex and have a clear conversation.
1. What are his intentions? Does he want to visit monthly? I really doubt he wants custody.
2. Realize that you need to do whats in the best interest for the child. Give him a chance (as long as he's not irresponsible or a perv). Don't fret on him getting any credit. Kids see past this. Even if he buys him a car when he's 16, he knows that dad was rarely there.
3. If you can't retain a lawyer, see if you can amicably come up with a number. There are tables and calculators available on the internet for various states. So if he makes $a and you make $b (agree to use W2s or something), and daycare costs $c, support is $d. This means you will both jneed to be adult about it, but better than both of you blowing 15k each on a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Also OP know that the more he sees the child, the less he has to pay. Assuming he makes more than you!

I would NOT sign anything without reviewing it with a lawyer. Best is to do as much negotiating with him, but run things by a lawyer. I also high advise one meeting with a lawyer for a legal reality check.

[Anonymous]

Is this man on the birth certificate as the father?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP but for the mother of a 15-month old you sound incredibly self-absorbed. Worried about him getting "credit"? "You had just started to move on"? All I hear in your posts is you, you, you.

Also, it sounds like you and this guy have some serious communication issues, so no wonder he wasn't thrilled and on-point about the idea of raising a child with you initially. I get that you made a mistake after "getting drunk at an office party with a guy who thinks he's out of your league" ( and god I hope that your DC never has to read that), but the thing is you did make a child with this person, you chose to continue the pregnancy and keep the baby, and he is the child's father. Which means that barring abuse (or sometimes addiction), he can, and will be a part of yours and your child's lives forever. That's the way it works- the most important decision any woman makes in her life is who will be her child/ren's father, because it's the one decision that you can never take back. You can't take back the decision to have a child with this man, so you best get about the business of figuring out how to co-parent.

Now what form that takes will depend on your ability to be mature and get over the fact that you're pissed at his past behavior. It will also depend on his ability to step up and take responsibility for his behavior. And it will mostly depend on the ability of both of you to communicate with each other like adults and co-parents, as oppossed to teenagers involved in a lover's spat. You had a child with a man that you are not in a committed relationship, there is nothing "fair" here and there will not be anything "fair" in this situation probably ever again. Get over it and do what's best for your child.

Talk to the father, calmly, and don't make it about rehashing what happened between the two of you. Find out what he wants and is prepared to give. Set reasonable limits and expectations- recognizing that this is his child too. Respect his role as your child's father and insist that he respect yours as the mother. Give your kid at least a fighting chance of a functional relationship with both of it's parents.

The control that you had over this situation ended when the child came out of your body and you put the dad's name on the birth certificate (assuming that you did). Yes, you can choose to litigate the hell out of this and insist on back child-support and apologies and supervised visitation and all kinds of things. But none of that will make you in control- it will just make life more difficult for your kid. My advice is to forget about dad- let him see DC or not see DC- figure out what amount you really need to be able to care for DC and insist that dad contribute to that. And then try to be the best mother that you possibly can, because if DC's dad is as much of an asshole and a flake as you say, then s/he will need at least one parent who is loving and selfless. Be that parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

You need to educate yourself. Your child's father has a legal right to visitation. Also, if he lives in DC, why would he kidnap your child? And doesn't he have a career? Why would he risk all with criminal behavior? As for violence, huh?

What does he want? You refuse to answer that!

Actually, without a custody order in place, it wouldn't be kidnap if a bio dad takes his child.

[Anonymous]

OP here,

I did put his name on the birth certificate because his parents thought he would "come around" and he didn't. I did it as a good faith measure because we were in what I thought was an incredible relationship but obviously he thought he could do better when he ran for the hills. FWIW, we had been together for 1.5 years, we spent two or three weekends together a month and assorted other evenings because of work travel and, well, work. We were exclusive, though.

I understand I made a mistake and I also was, very mistakenly, flip about it in this thread. I don't want you to think that I have an ounce of regret, because it as the best thing to ever happened to me. Every way that my life has changed has been amazing. I know you think that I sound self-absorbed but I am not. I am defensive, IF I could trust my ex then I wouldn't feel this way but I am worried for my child. It's the bad father v. no father debate and I opt for no father. I promise I don't do it selfishly, I just have seen the effects of a bad father on extended family members and it can be devastating.

And so what if it has been difficult for me to deal with some aspects of this. I don't know if you are a single parent, if your situation is similar to mine, I don't know if you understand what it is like to wonder why your child's father has never seen your child every night as you lay in bed. I don't know if you have blamed your self, as you wondered if your child will ever meet their father, and what you is wrong with you for your child to deserve this. I have. It's not all cut and dry.

To the other PP's, I make less than him but probably only by $50k, which is less than I pay the nanny. I did a calculator online and it says he will owe me $50 a month, but it wasn't the dc.gov one and I think it wasn't working properly. I am going to do the dc.gov one next. I have a lawyer who I will see next week and then hopefully, I can be equipped with enough info that I am confident having the "what are your intentions with our child" convo.

I would just like to reiterate that I am not self-absorbed if anything I am freaking out too much about the possibility of a $hitty dead beat dad. I would go to the ends of the earth for my child, as I am sure we all would.

Thanks everyone.

[Anonymous]

OP,


You pay your nanny more than $50 K?

[Anonymous]

Yes, she gets paid $17/hour, plus overtime and taxes can add up pretty quick, and her health insurance, which I pay half and she pays half. Sometimes I want to go out with friends at night, and for 4 hours thats $102+ tax since it ends up being overtime (usually).

She also helps out on weekends and emergencies but that is, thankfully, rare. But she is so worth it because she helps me clean/reminds me that other things need to be cleaned, too, and if she wasn't doing laundry and reminding me to scrub the baseboards I would be overwhelmed. Plus, it doesn't bother her that I am on the third floor in my office most of the day.

[Anonymous]

Look, I get that you are disappointed that Dad bailed, but did he want you to have the baby? I don't think so, no man bails on a wanted baby. Didn't you know that having a baby over a father's objections is fraught with risks?

I would take charge and hear him out and set terms and conditions as far as his involvement. You must be ready for anything. And you must learn to share.

As for your circumstances, you are so lucky to be able to afford this help. You sound comfortable financially. Really, your circumstances could be much, much worse.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I am a single mama to 2 wonderful DS', who unfortunately have a father that is emotionally detached and has not been very interested in spending time with them since we separated. I am sure you can imagine the pain I feel as their mother about the emotional hurt my boys (ages 4 and 8) experience because their father does not want to be a real presence in their lives. He has never asked to spend time with them and really only sees them when I have asked if he can visit with them so I can take care of some errand or business (not very often). When I am asked "Will we ever see Daddy again?" or "Is Daddy Dead?" Mama Grizzly comes out and I just want to rip his head off. As much as I wish I could keep them from this hurt and ban their father from ever seeing them again, I also know how desperately they long for him. Even though I know that 9 times out of 10 my boys will be disappointed by their father, I also know it will not be me who denies them any opportunity to spend time with him. I decided that what is best for my children is they see their father for whatever time he decides he will make for them. I know that one day (I think my older DS is already catching on) their father will have to answer some tough questions from his children. I also know that I do not want to ever have to explain to my sons why I would not allow their father to be a part of their lives. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Take it slow, meet with a lawyer, but be careful with lawyers. I recommend doing a few consults before determining who is a good fit.

A good one will not be a cheerleader. A good lawyer will tell you what you don't want to hear.

My DH has primary custody of his DD. Her mom comes in and out and goes through phases where she wants to take on more of a super mom role.

In my opinion, the best thing to do is not to try to control the situation, but facilitate as much of a role in the child's life as the parent is willing to take on. Its better for kids to have two parents who love them, even when they are not perfect.

Your ex is probably going to push harder the more you push back. What would happen if you were reasonable and welcoming? Maybe less conflict.

Get the advice of an attorney, but be wary of one that wants to tell you that you are definitely in the right and that he is definitely in the wrong. A good attorney will help you see all the shades of gray.

[Anonymous]

Thanks PPs. I do realize that I don't ever want to be the one to blame for "why daddy didn't do X with me..." I think that I will probably grow out of my discomfort quickly, especially if co-parenting really does prove fruitful and I end up having a willing participant to make my life easier. On that note, I know that I am also very blessed and we have a lot of lucky going on in our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your ex decided that they wanted to be a "part of your life again" after skipping out on all of infancy, the "firsts" milestones, and basically everything tough... How in the world did you deal? I am flabbergasted. It is the end of my world that I have created. This person who hasn't made a single monetary contribution, wasn't there for ONE BIT of our child's life, now wants back in. How did you deal with the anger? I have been hiding the shame I have felt in our failed relationship, frequently purporting to be a "traditional family" to strangers, even here as I solicit advice on DCUM, just because it hurts to be alone and it's easier to not have a "situation" with our family dynamic. Just as I'm kind of over it, and have come to terms with being a single mom, the @$$hole wants back. I quit smoking years and years ago but I really want a cigarette right now...

Don't smoke. It will be ok. I know mine will do this as well. Juts try and focus on the positive he's around now. Tell him its best to ease the kid in and then do it as slowly as possible for the kid to adjust. And yes get mad get damned made but do NOT let your kid know it.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there. Hopefully he is stepping up. Just watch him so he doesn't hurt the kids feelings