MIA parent wanting back in after 1yr+... How do I deal?!?!

[Anonymous]

Op, I think that it is best interest of a child to have a genuinely emotionally interested and involved father. Your anger is valid [right now]. The only advice I can give on that is to not let it cloud your judgement.

I also think that the fantasy is for the parent to resurface. After a while it is not expected.

Also ask for child support because it is also in the best interest of your child on so many levels. If and when you ever go to court for custody, it will be brought up by his lawyers why you are just now filing for child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Ugh. I feel like he is taking credit for all my hard work.

Everyone can recognize a deadbeat (or uninvolved parent) for what he or she is--even, eventually, the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

Not clear. What does he want precisely? Why file for child support when this will get his back up and he could ask for, and get, 50-50?

CALM DOWN. This was to be expected! I think it's possible were living in a fantasy that he would never resurface. And your posts are all about you. It's better for a child to have an involved father, even though it can be a pain for the mother! Is there no good in his reappearance, at least for your child?

Of course it is better to have an involved father, but what if he isn't involved enough or he is just plain crappy, what do I do then? My worry is he will be involved 2% of the time and the rest will be traveling for work, partying in Vegas, being a hotshot, etc. He is totally going to be the type of dad to buy a car for the big 16 and then not show up for a whole year. I can just feel it. I hope it's not true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- How old is your child? I'd file for support right now. You certainly do not need a lawyer to do this. Just the paperwork, your child's birth certificate and SS card. Was he named on the birth cert. as the father? If so, filing is easy. It is pretty slow though but it isn't complicated. Your child deserves the support from him so file now. He is responsible for supporting his child. You never know when that money will come in handy. I wouldn't let him near my kid until the support starts coming in. Think of it as a good faith payment.

15 months and he has already come by the house (yesterday) but we weren't home so he text messaged me that he would like to come by this evening, which I declined. So now it is just a waiting game. Was I wrong, to think that he could just come over? Is there a way that I can bar him from coming to the house? Legally?

[Anonymous]

If this is the person he really is, I wouldn't worry too much. If he is that self-involved, I doubt he'll go through all of the hoops to gain custody. My ex is happy to let me do all of the work. I grew up with fantasies of my dad b/c he was never around. I figured out that he was a selfish addict who cared more about #1 than his own kids when I got older. File for child support b/c it is the right thing to do and see what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I think that it is best interest of a child to have a genuinely emotionally interested and involved father. Your anger is valid [right now]. The only advice I can give on that is to not let it cloud your judgement.

I also think that the fantasy is for the parent to resurface. After a while it is not expected.

Also ask for child support because it is also in the best interest of your child on so many levels. If and when you ever go to court for custody, it will be brought up by his lawyers why you are just now filing for child support.

But that's it! I don't believe for one second that he is emotionally interested. The man left me two weeks before I went into labor because "it's just not what [he] wanted anymore." WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am sorry that you are having to go through this. You will not get back child support though unless there is a child support order in place. So for example, if you file for child support when your child is 5 year old, you will only get back child support for the interim time it actually takes to get to court and have the order made. If your ex does not pay the support in [3 years] after the support order is made then he owes 3 years and however many months it took to get the order in place of back child support.

I know that the time that goes into pursuing child support can be daunting but as long as there is an order in place (and you do not need a lawyer to do that) then the repercussions of not paying child support (getting his passport taken away, his income taxes garnished) might get him to reconsider his role as a parent.

You will need legal representation if he decides to file for custody--which they usually do after getting a support order--but custody and support are two completely separate issues and you can file for support without representation. I think that the first thing to do though is talk to him about what he really wants and go from there.

Well that sounds like a bunch of BS. Remind me to never get really drunk at an office reception and forget that I am taking antibiotics while on low hormone BC. While dating a guy who thinks he is outta my league.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I am sorry that you are having to go through this. You will not get back child support though unless there is a child support order in place. So for example, if you file for child support when your child is 5 year old, you will only get back child support for the interim time it actually takes to get to court and have the order made. If your ex does not pay the support in [3 years] after the support order is made then he owes 3 years and however many months it took to get the order in place of back child support.

I know that the time that goes into pursuing child support can be daunting but as long as there is an order in place (and you do not need a lawyer to do that) then the repercussions of not paying child support (getting his passport taken away, his income taxes garnished) might get him to reconsider his role as a parent.

You will need legal representation if he decides to file for custody--which they usually do after getting a support order--but custody and support are two completely separate issues and you can file for support without representation. I think that the first thing to do though is talk to him about what he really wants and go from there.

Well that sounds like a bunch of BS. Remind me to never get really drunk at an office reception and forget that I am taking antibiotics while on low hormone BC. While dating a guy who thinks he is outta my league.

OP here again, sorry that was the anger speaking, again. We had dinner at my parents' house tonight. They are old and don't think about things the same way I would. I expressed my worry over what was going on with the ex and my mom took that to mean we may be getting back together. We are not. She just doesn't want me to be "single and alone" anymore. Ugh. What a week.

[Anonymous]

OP,

If you bar him from coming to the house, all visitation will be elsewhere. I would welcome him into your home and encourage a home-base arrangement for as long as possible. You want to make sure he's serious and reliable. He has to respect a schedule, however.

[Anonymous]

at this point I would just let him file for visitation if he wants to see your child...

if he has really decided he wants to be a dad let him make an effort....

you can always mediate out with him if he does and I does see a judge offering more than reasonable visitation to a man who hasnt seen his kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:at this point I would just let him file for visitation if he wants to see your child...

if he has really decided he wants to be a dad let him make an effort....

you can always mediate out with him if he does and I does see a judge offering more than reasonable visitation to a man who hasnt seen his kid

Even though the lack of visitation on his part was clearly his own choice? I did think that the cards were stacked pretty clearly in my favor in case he tried to do something like go for full custody. I am definitely upset that someone who has spent zero time with our child might be getting reasonable visitation. I don't even know if that is safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

If you bar him from coming to the house, all visitation will be elsewhere. I would welcome him into your home and encourage a home-base arrangement for as long as possible. You want to make sure he's serious and reliable. He has to respect a schedule, however.

My BIL is in law enforcement, and he advised me that we should meet in a public place. I told him that there is nothing to suggest violence or kidnapping at this point and it seems a little hysterical to assume that but he insisted that I meet him at a museum or the playground. Plus, I want to be able to say "we are going home now" so it seems like a good idea, right?

[Anonymous]

OP,

You need to educate yourself. Your child's father has a legal right to visitation. Also, if he lives in DC, why would he kidnap your child? And doesn't he have a career? Why would he risk all with criminal behavior? As for violence, huh?

What does he want? You refuse to answer that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

You need to educate yourself. Your child's father has a legal right to visitation. Also, if he lives in DC, why would he kidnap your child? And doesn't he have a career? Why would he risk all with criminal behavior? As for violence, huh?

What does he want? You refuse to answer that!

I really don't know what he wants. He said he wants to visit I assume that means he wants to meet our DC. I know he won't kidnap our child, I think want my BIL means is he might go a little berserk and do something without thinking it through because of the emotional rush of meeting his child for the first time. That doesn't seem like a strange assessment to me. I have a meeting next week with my attorney (soonest I could be seen) so I need to prepare myself with questions.

One thing I am confused about is restricting access based on child support...
If you haven't filed for child support, you still have to allow visitation without monetary support?

It's only if you have a child support order and they haven't paid that you can restrict access?

And how do you determine what is legitimate visitation without the intervention of a 3rd party like a counselor or the courts?

Visitation is separate from custody but even if I have sole custody he still gets visitation?

And what is the difference between physical and sole custody in laymen's term? Can I get some personal experience descriptions here?

I think the problem with my internet research is I don't have someone explaining how it related to them--I need a real life example. I don't have any friends who are divorced/separated/unmarried with kids.

[Anonymous]

It's time to retain a lawyer.