MIA parent wanting back in after 1yr+... How do I deal?!?!

[Anonymous]

If your ex decided that they wanted to be a "part of your life again" after skipping out on all of infancy, the "firsts" milestones, and basically everything tough... How in the world did you deal? I am flabbergasted. It is the end of my world that I have created. This person who hasn't made a single monetary contribution, wasn't there for ONE BIT of our child's life, now wants back in. How did you deal with the anger? I have been hiding the shame I have felt in our failed relationship, frequently purporting to be a "traditional family" to strangers, even here as I solicit advice on DCUM, just because it hurts to be alone and it's easier to not have a "situation" with our family dynamic. Just as I'm kind of over it, and have come to terms with being a single mom, the @$$hole wants back. I quit smoking years and years ago but I really want a cigarette right now...

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you need to find a trusted counselor or therapist that you can work through this with. You've been through a lot, and it sounds like you have a lot of strong, unresolved emotions. Your ex is forcing you to make some big decisions, and you want to make those from a position of emotional and psychological strength, particularly so that you can think clearly about what's best for yourself but more importantly, your child.

Best wishes.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Co-parent or attempted reconciliation?
Not clear to me.
Therapy seems ideal.

[Anonymous]

I understand the whole therapy thing and I am right there with ya. I am speaking with someone and I wish I got more out of it but I get enough to go back. I guess I was freaking out when I first posted and now that I have calmed down a bit more I can think through my questions, which is what I meant to do in the first place.

1. How does my ex have any accountability in this? I would like and I think our child deserved 100% not 25%. I don’t care if he lives next door and “will make it up to us tomorrow,” there cannot be any shadiness or unaccountability.

2. Do we hammer this out in court or with a counselor? He hasn’t given me one red cent and I don’t really have 15K that I care to drop in court, my money is best put to other uses like daycare and private school.

3. Can my ex waffle back and forth between being in our family circle and out? Do I have the ability to issue an ultimatum like “ya can’t come back now, ya hear?” if he decides to walk again?

I think my big problem is that I after a year of dealing with this hullabaloo I had a huge break-through at Christmas and now it’s all up in the air again. I had found an identity, though I was working on it a bit, and now I have to reassess the situation. It’s not about me, but it is, too, because I have to make these decisions, live with them, and hope it doesn’t screw up my kid too much. So I would appreciate others passing on their experiences. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

OP again, co-parenting only. A reconciliation will never be in the cards for me.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Do you have any idea what sort of arrangement he's interested in?
What sort of decisions do you have to make? Is he giving you options, or telling you what he wants to do?
As for his hot tailing it again, well, you cannot issue an ultimatum to a biological parent. Sure, it will look bad if he comes and goes, and it will be disruptive for your child, but this is something you should discuss with an attorney.
I have not been through what you are going through, my child's father left the marriage and I've been living the shared custody life for over 10 years.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

So he owes child support? How much? Honestly, if my ex hadn't paid child support in quite some time, I wouldn't allow anything to happen. Child support is mandated by a judge and there are very few good reasons that he shouldn't be paying it. No child support says to me that he isn't ready or willing to parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he owes child support? How much? Honestly, if my ex hadn't paid child support in quite some time, I wouldn't allow anything to happen. Child support is mandated by a judge and there are very few good reasons that he shouldn't be paying it. No child support says to me that he isn't ready or willing to parent.

Never paid child support, never! I was disinclined to push the issue if he was going to stay away. He moved to Foxhall, we are in Cap Hill, our paths do not cross as he travels all the time for work and I work from home. Honestly, I do not know how much he makes. His job title and supposedly his salary and compensation benefits are frequently changing according to a mutual friend. I don't really know what that is all about but just one more reason I think he is untrustworthy. The weirdest part of all is he actually is a great guy, to everyone but me and our child. He is generous, charitable, outspoken in a good way. If I didn't know ALL his friends, I would assume he is married and I was the other woman. He had nothing to give us, he just shut down.

[Anonymous]

OP,
What does he want?
Also, this happens all the time.
I know a father who left his wife and newborn and then after a year he returned and demanded equal access ...
If he wants visitation, he will pay child support.
Also, be careful. If he has a new romantic interest, he may be doing this for show. Is that the case?

[Anonymous]

Ditto the PP. I always know my ex has a new woman in his life when all of a sudden, he wants to take our son for a visit. He has never asked for that when he is single. You need to file for child support for your child's benefit. Don't worry about how much he makes. It will be for a judge to determine. I wouldn't let him anywhere near the child until he has fulfilled his legal obligation first. He will owe back child support. And he isn't a great guy if he up and leaves his child with no support whatsoever. Actions speak louder than words.

[Anonymous]

Filing for child support is complicated, try to negotiate as much as possible directly with him or you will be looking at massive legal fees! Yes, consult a lawyer. Many want a $5,000 retainer or more.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't know if he has a new lady or not, he did several months ago, but that fizzled. I normally get the scoop from my sorority sister, who is my ex's best friend's wife's sister. Third hand but always reliable as we have known each other for years...

Can I say "you cannot see our child until you pay back support," has anyone done this? That would be one hefty check! Can I go out and buy a new car with it? I'm kidding, but I really know nothing about child support.

Can I sue him for legal fees? I feel like he should have to pay for my representation after leaving us high and dry for so long. I make plenty of money but I feel like I don't deserve to be put out any more than I already have. It's not like he has ever walked into the baby's room at 2am to see the walls covered in poop and a diaper lying on the floor next to the crib...

Ugh. I feel like he is taking credit for all my hard work.

[Anonymous]

Op, I am sorry that you are having to go through this. You will not get back child support though unless there is a child support order in place. So for example, if you file for child support when your child is 5 year old, you will only get back child support for the interim time it actually takes to get to court and have the order made. If your ex does not pay the support in [3 years] after the support order is made then he owes 3 years and however many months it took to get the order in place of back child support.

I know that the time that goes into pursuing child support can be daunting but as long as there is an order in place (and you do not need a lawyer to do that) then the repercussions of not paying child support (getting his passport taken away, his income taxes garnished) might get him to reconsider his role as a parent.

You will need legal representation if he decides to file for custody--which they usually do after getting a support order--but custody and support are two completely separate issues and you can file for support without representation. I think that the first thing to do though is talk to him about what he really wants and go from there.

[Anonymous]

OP- How old is your child? I'd file for support right now. You certainly do not need a lawyer to do this. Just the paperwork, your child's birth certificate and SS card. Was he named on the birth cert. as the father? If so, filing is easy. It is pretty slow though but it isn't complicated. Your child deserves the support from him so file now. He is responsible for supporting his child. You never know when that money will come in handy. I wouldn't let him near my kid until the support starts coming in. Think of it as a good faith payment.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Not clear. What does he want precisely? Why file for child support when this will get his back up and he could ask for, and get, 50-50?

CALM DOWN. This was to be expected! I think it's possible were living in a fantasy that he would never resurface. And your posts are all about you. It's better for a child to have an involved father, even though it can be a pain for the mother! Is there no good in his reappearance, at least for your child?