New relationship- unexpected pregnancy at 38- seeking advice/support

[Anonymous]

OP you may want to wait to tell him until you can confirm with an ob/gyn appointment that you are still pregnant. 5 weeks is very early and early or missed miscarriage is very,very common. Many women never knew they were even pregnant. This happens at any age but increases significantly as you age. I would schedule an OB appointment in the next 2-3 weeks to confirm everything. Some offices will do an internal ultrasound. If you can see a hearbeart in the next few weeks chances are it is a viable pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About midwives - the very best in this area:

Birthcare (www.birthcare.org) - a free-standing birth center which offers both home and birth center births
Special Beginnings (www.specialbeginnings.com) - a free-standing birth center which offers both birth center and hospital births (the best of both worlds!)
Whitney Pinger at GW hospital - a great midwifery practice which offers a slightly more medicalized, in-hospital approach

All three of these practices have information nights, and since Birthcare and Whitney Pinger fill up VERY fast, you could start going to these right away.

Online messageboard: www.mothering.com/community

Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck talking with your boyfriend! The quicker that first conversation is behind you, the easier it will be to move forward with enjoying your pregnancy.

Just wanted to add that Karen King at Arlington Women's Center works in an OB practice and she is terrific. Worth cconsidering!

[Anonymous]

OP, I was in the same situation 3 years ago. I didn't know what I wanted to do and after only dating for 3 months was terrified of telling my boyfriend. I told him and although he was shocked he was supportive. When I finally decided that I wanted to keep the baby, I assured him that he could be in or out of the picture and that I would understand whatever he decided and would not pressure him to be involved. We now have a beautiful 2 year old DD and are expecting #2 very soon (this one was planned!). He is a wonderful father and a wonderful partner. Good luck to you! Just don't base your decision off of his reaction. You can do it with or without him.

[Anonymous]

I'm not judging, I'm just surprised by all of these women in their late 30s/early 40s who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant by men they haven't been dating too long. Do people not worry about HIV anymore?

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, Congrats! Any updates?

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to add my congratulations, too! Motherhood is quite an amazing experience, and I hope you're feeling well!

Update us when you get a chance!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not judging, I'm just surprised by all of these women in their late 30s/early 40s who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant by men they haven't been dating too long. Do people not worry about HIV anymore?

Whenever someone starts a sentence like that...........THEY ARE JUDGING. Believe it or not, when you are in your 30's and 40's it is possible to have a grown up conversation with someone agreeing to be exclusive, yes even after just a few months. Also, condoms break my dear and you are naive to think otherwise. Everyone knows how babies are made but as you get into your 30's and 40's and are beat over the head that you are becoming less and less fertile, you just believe that your time is up so to speak and pregnancy becomes less of a worry/possibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not judging, I'm just surprised by all of these women in their late 30s/early 40s who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant by men they haven't been dating too long. Do people not worry about HIV anymore?

Whenever someone starts a sentence like that...........THEY ARE JUDGING. Believe it or not, when you are in your 30's and 40's it is possible to have a grown up conversation with someone agreeing to be exclusive, yes even after just a few months. Also, condoms break my dear and you are naive to think otherwise. Everyone knows how babies are made but as you get into your 30's and 40's and are beat over the head that you are becoming less and less fertile, you just believe that your time is up so to speak and pregnancy becomes less of a worry/possibility.

No I wasn't judging, so don't turn my statement around. I started my post like that because I realized I was touching on a prickly subject. Sheesh.

I was genuinely curious, as I've been out of the dating market for a very long time and when I was dating, this was a big concern of mine. Besides, OP doesn't sound like she was using condoms, my dear, so I'd ruled out that scenario. And the rest of your post doesn't address my question because I wasn't asking about pregnancy worries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not judging, I'm just surprised by all of these women in their late 30s/early 40s who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant by men they haven't been dating too long. Do people not worry about HIV anymore?

Whenever someone starts a sentence like that...........THEY ARE JUDGING. Believe it or not, when you are in your 30's and 40's it is possible to have a grown up conversation with someone agreeing to be exclusive, yes even after just a few months. Also, condoms break my dear and you are naive to think otherwise. Everyone knows how babies are made but as you get into your 30's and 40's and are beat over the head that you are becoming less and less fertile, you just believe that your time is up so to speak and pregnancy becomes less of a worry/possibility.

No I wasn't judging, so don't turn my statement around. I started my post like that because I realized I was touching on a prickly subject. Sheesh.

I was genuinely curious, as I've been out of the dating market for a very long time and when I was dating, this was a big concern of mine. Besides, OP doesn't sound like she was using condoms, my dear, so I'd ruled out that scenario. And the rest of your post doesn't address my question because I wasn't asking about pregnancy worries.

Oh please, YOU WERE CLEARLY JUDGING!! There are plenty of teens, 20 somethings and 40+ that are also having sex with various forms of protection. If you think this is only an issue for the late 30's due to one post you my dear are very naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not judging, I'm just surprised by all of these women in their late 30s/early 40s who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant by men they haven't been dating too long. Do people not worry about HIV anymore?

Whenever someone starts a sentence like that...........THEY ARE JUDGING. Believe it or not, when you are in your 30's and 40's it is possible to have a grown up conversation with someone agreeing to be exclusive, yes even after just a few months. Also, condoms break my dear and you are naive to think otherwise. Everyone knows how babies are made but as you get into your 30's and 40's and are beat over the head that you are becoming less and less fertile, you just believe that your time is up so to speak and pregnancy becomes less of a worry/possibility.

I didn't see 20:25's post as being very judgmental.

This is not an issue of condoms breaking- OP said in her first post that no birth control was used because she thought it wasn't likely she'd get pregnant. And agreeing to be exclusive after three months does not necessarily equal getting tested for STDs together. Hopefully OP and her boyfriend got tested together, but it's not unlikely to think that perhaps they didn't, since they did not use birth control because they thought nothing would happen. Sexually transmitted diseases are a legitimate concern, and I think 20:25 was just expressing her surprise.

This is not a judgement of OP- congrats, BTW!- just a defense of 20:25. Congrats again, OP!

[Anonymous]

If you think he is a genuinely good person who deserves your respect as an adult, I would not hesitate to tell him immediately. In fact, I think I'd be pretty darn peeved if someone held this information from me. Even if it turns out that you're not pregnant or have a miscarriage, I would want to know, and at the very least it would impact how I used protection forevermore.

Then you need to start having discussions about what you'd like to do about this situation. Perhaps you'd find it helpful to hire an expert to serve as your mediator and discussion facilitator. A family therapist, maybe? Unfortunately, I don't have anyone to recommend. But my thought is that this person would provide a safe place for you to talk through all your hopes, fears, and sincere desires (abortion, joint parenting, disappearing from the picture, etc) while options are still open.

Do it quickly! That's what I recommend.

I am expecting #2 at any moment, and although I love the daughter I already have and the one on the way, I can tell you that parenting is a BFD. I am immensely grateful to have a supporting partner and a family who would bend over backwards for their grandchild and niece. I consider myself very fortunate in this regard, and would never blow sunshine up anyeon's bum to say that single parenting is easy. Because double parenting+extended family parenting is definitely my personal preference.

[Anonymous]

I got pregnant at 42, and have a healthy and beautiful almost 4 yr. old. Honestly, even if your bf decides this isn't going to be his "thing", move forward. I only say this because having TTC in my late 30s-early 40s, I've experienced the difficulties. I'd just tell him, asap.

As as side note, my best friend and I, after our divorces (we were not involved at the time), became romantic and decided to have a baby (both of us were childless). We never married, but live together, share finances, and have a better relationship than most of our married friends.

Congrats!

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to chime in to say good luck and congratulations! I'm sure it is terrifying to think about telling him, but it's better to get it over with. I hope that telling a bunch of anonymous strangers was good practice for that.

[Anonymous]

OP here- which I deduce means Original Poster? I'm still trying to figure out all the acronyms that are used on this site.

OK, here's the update, and it's good.
I spoke with BF last night. I was super nervous, but he seemed to know that something was up, and made me cough it up.
I couldn't have underestimated him more. Not only was he totally unfazed, but within seconds his eyes welled up with tears, he was beaming and gave me a huge hug.
Very strangely, he told me that the night before, he'd had a vivid dream where we were at his grandparents' (long-gone) home, with three beautiful small children. He said that his dreams are often indicators of things to come, so he was almost expecting to hear me tell him this.

We didn't really talk about what will happen with the relationship (there's certainly time for all of that) but he made it very clear that whatever I want, he will be fully supportive, and by my side, and that we'll do this together. He said that he thinks this is a blessing, and that even though it is out of order, it is wonderful and exciting news. By the time we went to bed (very late as niether of us could fall asleep), he was suggesting baby names. Seriously.

WHEW!!! I think I got lucky. Really lucky. I had to go into the dr. this morning for another blood test b/c I've had some dark brown spotting the last few days (which I'm sort of freaked out about), and he insisted on going with me. I understand that there is a fairly high liklihood that there will be a miscarriage (30-40% for women over 35?) which I told him. There hasn't been any cramping and no bright red blood, but it is very disconcerting to be leaking anything now...

Those of you who have been through this before, how do you balance the excitment and planning of early pregnancy with the necessary caution this early on? A million thanks to all of you wonderful moms and moms to be on this site. You totally saved me these last couple of days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- which I deduce means Original Poster? I'm still trying to figure out all the acronyms that are used on this site.

OK, here's the update, and it's good.
I spoke with BF last night. I was super nervous, but he seemed to know that something was up, and made me cough it up.
I couldn't have underestimated him more. Not only was he totally unfazed, but within seconds his eyes welled up with tears, he was beaming and gave me a huge hug.
Very strangely, he told me that the night before, he'd had a vivid dream where we were at his grandparents' (long-gone) home, with three beautiful small children. He said that his dreams are often indicators of things to come, so he was almost expecting to hear me tell him this.

We didn't really talk about what will happen with the relationship (there's certainly time for all of that) but he made it very clear that whatever I want, he will be fully supportive, and by my side, and that we'll do this together. He said that he thinks this is a blessing, and that even though it is out of order, it is wonderful and exciting news. By the time we went to bed (very late as niether of us could fall asleep), he was suggesting baby names. Seriously.

WHEW!!! I think I got lucky. Really lucky. I had to go into the dr. this morning for another blood test b/c I've had some dark brown spotting the last few days (which I'm sort of freaked out about), and he insisted on going with me. I understand that there is a fairly high liklihood that there will be a miscarriage (30-40% for women over 35?) which I told him. There hasn't been any cramping and no bright red blood, but it is very disconcerting to be leaking anything now...

Those of you who have been through this before, how do you balance the excitment and planning of early pregnancy with the necessary caution this early on? A million thanks to all of you wonderful moms and moms to be on this site. You totally saved me these last couple of days.

Aw. I am so happy for you. He sounds like a wonderful guy.

Good luck w/ the spotting. It's so hard to wait every day. As for early planning, there's not much that needs to be done right now. Just rest and take care of yourself. EVerything else can wait until after the 1st trimester when the risks of miscarriage drop to almost nil.

SO happy for you!!