Neighbor has a severe crush on my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP who posted about overweight and I am, myself.

The OP was CERTAIN that her DH would never ever be attracted to this woman. In our society, there's really only one thing that creates that much certainty, and that's being fat. Ugly, buck teeth, bad skin .... there are lots of things that wouldn't qualify someone as being attractive without inspiring the OP to say she was so sure the husband could never be attracted to her.

I think your insecurity over being fat is perhaps causing you to jump to conclusions.

As a PP said, perhaps the neighbor is just a "type" of woman the OP knows her husband would never go for. There are certain women who I know my DH would never go for, even if they are very pretty, because they are a "type" that he doesn't like at all.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you the one that is overweight? What are YOUR redeeming qualities? Maybe you are just not a trustworthy friend. Maybe people know you would throw them under the bus, so what's the point?

[Anonymous]

OP Here- I just had the opportunity to check in on the thread for the first time since my original post, and I am totally amazed at the direction it has taken. It never occurred to me this would become a debate over whether or not the neighbor woman is overweight.

First of all, I really recommend you go read my original post again. I never once made any mention that my husband wouldn't be attracted to her, so I'm not sure what sparked this debate. I said I do not feel threatened by her for a multitude of reasons. I will give some reasons, since apparently to many of you appearance is the only possible factor in a husband's fidelity. After 18 years with my husband, we know each other inside and out. We honor, love and respect each other immensely and treasure the life we've built together. This may divert the post in a new direction where many of you may call me naive, but I really hope that more people out there have the love and respect in their marriage that we do. Furthermore, my husband's sense of loyalty is an indescribable attribute that amazes me to no end. There are many people in his life who have done horrible, and what I would deem to be unforgivable things to him, but he stays loyal to that person and looks past their faults.

And as for the people who assume I believe the neighbor woman's low self-esteem stems from her being overweight, please, do not bring me to your superficial level. Does she look like Heidi Klum? No. But guess what, neither do I. And I am NOT saying she's overweight either! The neighbor has told me in the past how she had a hard time with kids picking on her growing up and all the way through high school for her being "different." When she was 19, she met a man and after knowing him for five days, she married him--it was the first man she ever kissed, and the first man to ever really give her positive attention. I may not be a psychologist, but I do have some common sense. My common sense is telling me a woman who has gone through that in life probably received some damage to her self-esteem. It is sad and I feel for her, because she really is a nice person, she just had a shitty time.

And finally, I thought I had made it clear in the original post, but my concern is not about her flirtations with my husband, but more her treatment and disrespect to me. My husband is a capable man, and now that he's not quite so oblivious to her feelings for him, he will handle it in a polite and discreet manner IF she makes any inappropriate advances. As for what I need to do, unfortunately, I don't think I can distance myself all that much from them without in turn distancing myself from the entire community and all our friends, now that they are also being invited to the same functions. (Which was my reason for explaining their past in our community--not so that I sounded like "some savior of the poor, socialy (sic) inept neighbors" that one of you so eloquently put.) I guess what I've decided to do is just take it one snide remark at a time, and if and when the time is right, I may say something to her in private, asking if I've done something to offend.

Oh, and also to those of you who claim this is in my head, I have had two separate neighbor women make remarks to me in the past week about the neighbor's fancy of my husband. Out of respect to the neighbor woman, I pretended like I didn't notice and acted clueless to it all. Maybe they now think I'm a clueless idiot, but I don't want this to turn into a thing where people are all talking about her behind her back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP who posted about overweight and I am, myself.

The OP was CERTAIN that her DH would never ever be attracted to this woman. In our society, there's really only one thing that creates that much certainty, and that's being fat. Ugly, buck teeth, bad skin .... there are lots of things that wouldn't qualify someone as being attractive without inspiring the OP to say she was so sure the husband could never be attracted to her.

I disagree. I know my DH well enough to know what kind of women he finds attractive and would know instantly if he was attracted to a neighbor who had a crush on him. It would never happen because I'm way out of his league and he knows it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP who posted about overweight and I am, myself.

The OP was CERTAIN that her DH would never ever be attracted to this woman. In our society, there's really only one thing that creates that much certainty, and that's being fat. Ugly, buck teeth, bad skin .... there are lots of things that wouldn't qualify someone as being attractive without inspiring the OP to say she was so sure the husband could never be attracted to her.

Chronic halitosis? Smoker? A smoker would be a dealbreaker for me even if he was gorgeous.

Or Republican. There I said it. We all have our hot (or cold) buttons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP who posted about overweight and I am, myself.

The OP was CERTAIN that her DH would never ever be attracted to this woman. In our society, there's really only one thing that creates that much certainty, and that's being fat. Ugly, buck teeth, bad skin .... there are lots of things that wouldn't qualify someone as being attractive without inspiring the OP to say she was so sure the husband could never be attracted to her.

Chronic halitosis? Smoker? A smoker would be a dealbreaker for me even if he was gorgeous.

Or Republican. There I said it. We all have our hot (or cold) buttons.

Same here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and also to those of you who claim this is in my head, I have had two separate neighbor women make remarks to me in the past week about the neighbor's fancy of my husband. Out of respect to the neighbor woman, I pretended like I didn't notice and acted clueless to it all. Maybe they now think I'm a clueless idiot, but I don't want this to turn into a thing where people are all talking about her behind her back.

Um, yikes, OP. Sounds like they are talking about you behind your back I'd really try to nip this in the bud, your husband has to minimize any contact with her at group functions and you need to not invite her yourself. It sounds like it is becoming quite a spectacle. Perhaps you and your husband need to be more of a "couple" when out with the "gang" so that she has fewer opportunities and perhaps will learn to dial it back? Can he lightly but directly deflect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and also to those of you who claim this is in my head, I have had two separate neighbor women make remarks to me in the past week about the neighbor's fancy of my husband. Out of respect to the neighbor woman, I pretended like I didn't notice and acted clueless to it all. Maybe they now think I'm a clueless idiot, but I don't want this to turn into a thing where people are all talking about her behind her back.

Um, yikes, OP. Sounds like they are talking about you behind your back I'd really try to nip this in the bud, your husband has to minimize any contact with her at group functions and you need to not invite her yourself. It sounds like it is becoming quite a spectacle. Perhaps you and your husband need to be more of a "couple" when out with the "gang" so that she has fewer opportunities and perhaps will learn to dial it back? Can he lightly but directly deflect?

OP Again- Nah. I can definitely see where what I said would make you think this, but the women were both saying it laughing at the neighbor woman's behavior as well as my husband's obliviousness to it. I don't want to spark the overweight debate again, but our neighborhood friends would never suspect my husband of anything inappropriate with her. But you are right, he does need to do some redirecting! Thanks for the nice response--one of the few thoughtful ones!

[Anonymous]

"I'd really try to nip this in the bud, your husband has to minimize any contact with her at group functions and you need to not invite her yourself. "

This, but OP I had similar with someone at church being attracted to my DH. DH did try the indirect, then the direct approach. I finally had to say something along these lines:

My husband is a great guy and I appreciate that you feel comfortable around him. But your behavior has been noticed by other people and they have told me about it. It has embarassed me and it has embarassed my DH. It has also been pointed out to me that you have said things about me in public that have been snide and hurtful. Please understand that if you do not stop speaking about me (or in your case to me) in this way, then we will be forced to avoid you at any community gatherings. We have tried to be friendly, but your remarks are unacceptable.

The reaction was stunned, of course, but after that, she left both of us alone.

[Anonymous]

Okay OP, what is it about her that makes you so sure?

I tend to think that men AND women prefer a nice personality as we get older. Let's face it, the cheerleader at age 18 looks nowhere near that cheerleader at age 40, and progressively less at age 50, etc.

Who wants to grow old on the couch in front of the t.v. with a Stepford wife who is so neutral she doesn't even have her own opinions (for example)?

[Anonymous]

OP, sounds like this person might deserve a second chance.


Since you don't know for sure how she feels about your DH, and you trust him implicitly, why not just talk directly and gently to the woman about the remarks she's made about you?

[Anonymous]

Funny that this thread would appear at the same time as the discussion about the NYT Vows column...
OP I respect that you are 100% confident in your DH, but who knows what the (now ex) spouses thought too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'd really try to nip this in the bud, your husband has to minimize any contact with her at group functions and you need to not invite her yourself. "

This, but OP I had similar with someone at church being attracted to my DH. DH did try the indirect, then the direct approach. I finally had to say something along these lines:

My husband is a great guy and I appreciate that you feel comfortable around him. But your behavior has been noticed by other people and they have told me about it. It has embarassed me and it has embarassed my DH. It has also been pointed out to me that you have said things about me in public that have been snide and hurtful. Please understand that if you do not stop speaking about me (or in your case to me) in this way, then we will be forced to avoid you at any community gatherings. We have tried to be friendly, but your remarks are unacceptable.

The reaction was stunned, of course, but after that, she left both of us alone.

I think this is the type of help OP was looking for originally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP who posted about overweight and I am, myself.

The OP was CERTAIN that her DH would never ever be attracted to this woman. In our society, there's really only one thing that creates that much certainty, and that's being fat. Ugly, buck teeth, bad skin .... there are lots of things that wouldn't qualify someone as being attractive without inspiring the OP to say she was so sure the husband could never be attracted to her.

Chronic halitosis? Smoker? A smoker would be a dealbreaker for me even if he was gorgeous.

[b]Or Republican.[/b] There I said it. We all have our hot (or cold) buttons.

Same here.

HA! Me too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny that this thread would appear at the same time as the discussion about the NYT Vows column...
OP I respect that you are 100% confident in your DH, but who knows what the (now ex) spouses thought too!

Ugh, I love posts like this. So just because other people have gotten divorced because of cheating it's not at all possible for OP's husband to be a committed husband. Posts like this are worthless, inflammitory and based on absolutely nothing.