Year-old son not invited to Uncle's wedding (LONG)

[Anonymous]

Your brother-in-law is absolutely within his rights not to invite babies or children to his wedding. As others have stated, it's his wedding. I have been to weddings where children attending were perfectly fine and to other weddings where it would not have been appropriate. Either way, it is up to the bride and groom to set the tone of their own wedding and decide their own guest list. (The only exception is that married, partnered, or engaged couples should almost always both be invited. The same absolutely does not apply to children.)

However, that said, your brother-in-law should understand that by not inviting children, you and your husband will have childcare needs (that are not necessarily satisfied by a hotel sitter). You are under no obligation to use a stranger to care for your baby; indeed, just as it is within BIL's right to have an adults-only celebration, you are well within your rights to make the plans that you see fit regarding your son (whether it's skipping the rehearsal dinner or even not coming at all). You should be understanding and graceful about his situation just as he should be about yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your wedding day is actually not about you; you are inviting people to a party. You are a hostess. Or a host. Show some class, stop the grotesque navel-gazing, and get a grip on reality.

Granted you are a host at your wedding, but you shouldn't be forced to play host for people you didn't invite, that includes children.

Excellent. Then I hope you'll understand when I don't attend and send a sh*tty gift.

[Anonymous]

Weddings are stressful to plan. It is impossible to satisfy everyone. Sometimes you have to make "across the board" decisions that will appease the masses but still upset a few. A prior poster was correct when she suggested that the BIL probably does not realize the hardship their choice to exclude children is causing you. I was like that too, pre-baby. Never once expected that I would be nervous about leaving my baby with a stranger or upset that my child couldn't come to the wedding. To me, a wedding was a party and I wouldn't want to tend to my child when I should be out dancing and doing shots. Your BIL may be thinking that you might want an evening out without the children. Who knows? Regardless-it is his wedding and they are paying for it (maybe they can't afford to pay for many kids...maybe the venue has a limit on the number of guests allowed and it was easiest to cut the kids since they wouldn't appreciate the beauty of a wedding). I think the BIL has every right to invite who he can (he might even be feeling horrible that he can't invite the kids). I think the reactions of your family is wrong, but if they don't understand that you don't want to leave your child with a stranger at an off-site hotel, then they are fools and not even worth trying to appease. What I would do? If I could afford it, I'd bring the nanny to babysit, put a big smile on mmy face and try and have a great time. If I couldn't afford it, i would send my husband. If the bride and groom are upset, they will get it after they have kids.

[Anonymous]

This is getting ugly.

Ok, Lets look at your options. 1) Dont go. Tell BIL that you cant afford it & that you dont trust a stranger watching your child. 2) Go. Maybe ask him if he could recommend a sitter for you. 3) Let your husband go by himself & stay home.

Or, you or your husband call BIL and work something out, and see if he could make an exception or just explain why you cant go...ect....

I know as Mom's we want everyone to think our child(ren) are the center of their lives, as they are ours..but clearly BIL & his Wife dont share that same joy with you. Hurtful? Yes....but that is real life...

and when you really think about it, it IS just one day. only YOU can decide how important that one day is to you. Its not going to ruin life if you skip it, and it wont ruin life if your child cant go.

Good luck to you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've used hotel babysitters for infant and toddler and it's been fine.

If you're not comfortable with that, perhaps one of their friends with kids is taking their nanny? We went to a wedding once where we hooked up with another family (who we did not know beforehand) and paid their nanny a bit extra to watch the two kids. THey all did room-service dinner together, played and went into their cribs. We picked DD up afterwards adn carried the crib to our room. Easy as could be.

Or, perhaps you could take your nanny along but see if another family wants to use her as well and perhaps pay for a few of the hours while she's watching all the kids. Your son could stay in the nanny's room, so he wouldn't hear you coming in and out.

This is an excellent idea. Maybe you could ask around?

[Anonymous]

Wow, such snarkiness at both ends of the extreme.

OP, I hope that you have taken to heart the two or three sane posts, especially the one that said that you should respect your BIL's request for a no-children wedding and that he should understand and respect your need to make arrangements that you are comfortable with, which you have. Just tell them the truth - you would love to attend the entire weekend, but cannot afford/arrange child care that you are comfortable with for the entire trip (and/or take the additional day off work), but have made such arrangements for the Big Day, which you look forward to celebrating with him and the bride.

Leave it at that and enjoy your time with your son while your DH is going to pre-wedding events and enjoy your time at the wedding while your son is safe and sound with the nanny.

[Anonymous]

This child is his GODSON. Not some child of a college friend he occasionally talks to but wanted to invite. This child is family. This child's parents respected, trusted, and honored him enough to ask him to be their son's godfather. Does this not count for anything? Someday, when BIL has his own children, he might regret that he openly did not want his own godson at his wedding. He absolutely gets the benefit of the doubt--w/o kids he may indeed not understand or "get it." I don't know--I can't imagine how I could have not invited my godson to my wedding. How disrespectful that would have been to my cousin, who honored me by making me a godmother to her sweet boy. Also a close friend of mine had a destination wedding and the only children invited were her niece and nephew--as her friend, I totally understood that only FAMILY children were invited. Most reasonable people will respect this. Regardless, I think this "children steal the show--look at me! look at me!" attitude about weddings is sort of immature, actually.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- thank you for all the comments, both critical and supportive. At the end of the day, I think we've come up with a reasonable alternative in that we are going to the wedding without our son but I am simply missing the rehearsal dinner as a result of childcare and financial imperatives. The only frustration I have is that my husband's parents are making me/us feel that we are not being fair/are not family oriented and should be attending everything to do with the wedding. I feel that we've been given a certain restriction which has caused us to have to be creative -- I just wish they would respect that we are doing the best we can in the face of our son being excluded. Sure, it hurts that not only is our son not asked to play a part in the wedding (yes, he's a little young but he is the only nephew/grandson in the entire family) but he is also being asked not to attend anything. I appreciate all the comments and feel that I've got plenty of perspective from all sides. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Your Mother and Father in law sound pretty clueless right now. Tell them the situation and what you're doing about it and the hurdles you're facing. Im sure if you laid it all out, they'd understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- thank you for all the comments, both critical and supportive. At the end of the day, I think we've come up with a reasonable alternative in that we are going to the wedding without our son but I am simply missing the rehearsal dinner as a result of childcare and financial imperatives. The only frustration I have is that my husband's parents are making me/us feel that we are not being fair/are not family oriented and should be attending everything to do with the wedding. I feel that we've been given a certain restriction which has caused us to have to be creative -- I just wish they would respect that we are doing the best we can in the face of our son being excluded. Sure, it hurts that not only is our son not asked to play a part in the wedding (yes, he's a little young but he is the only nephew/grandson in the entire family) but he is also being asked not to attend anything. I appreciate all the comments and feel that I've got plenty of perspective from all sides. Thanks!

I think you've determined a reasonable course of action. I would try and point out (as diplomatically as possible) that you understand they feel you are not being family oriented, but from your side of the table, you don't find the exclusion of your baby (the only grandchild & nephew) as being very family oriented. I think it would be wise for them to try and see where you are coming from. You are not being unreasonable and you are trying to find a workable solution. They now need to back off.

As a side note, I understand the no kid rule. I also believe an exception could have been made for your son. He is the only nephew and grandchild and I think their friends could have understood why an exception was being made for him.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why people get so crazy over a one day event. A wedding is suppose to be the start of a marriage. I personally think that your BIL is being selfish.

[Anonymous]

I think there is more to this story since you said you were irked that your brother in law came to your rehearsal right before it started and I think you may be irked that as a result of the child restrictions you have to fly out by yourself and maybe irked that you have to spend money on childcare to make this work.

Gotta tell you that I was one of the people who said no to kids-I had a black tie wedding and it just wasn't appropriate. I did wind up having to cave in since several people including my brother guilted me into doing it. And at a huge cost of money I had to include them and they wound up wreaking havoc throughout the ceremony and the evening--don't get me started on the rehearsal. I regretted caving in since this was a special day that my now hubby and I wanted to create. I think it's wonderful that your BIL offered sitters for people-totally understand if you don't want to use a stranger but it shows he is a sensitive person. I also think that your spending some extra money to have your nanny stay at your home for a, hopefully, once in a lifetime event, seems to be a great idea and not that expensive-god I wish my nanny would only charge 150 a day. Maybe it's me but I don't tend to complain about this kind of stuff. I notice that a lot of people, after they marry, seem to forget all the stress and excitement that comes with a wedding and tend to just focus on what it is costing them in terms of inconvience. This is your BIL for gosh sakes and I would try to do anything I could to be there for all events even if it meant spending a few more dollars. I could more understand the only one person going for a friend or even not going at all but for family, I would try to make the rehearsal dinner and I would be glad that I meant enough to my husband's family that they wanted me there.

[Anonymous]

I think your position is totally defensible. Go to the wedding, put on a pretty dress and your happiest smile, tell the bride how beautiful she is and how thrilled you are to have her in the family, tell the groom he picked the perfect wife, dance, compliment the MIL's outfit, have a glass of champagne (or 3), smile for the photographer, and send them a fabulous present with a thoughtful note attached, and all will be smoothed over.

If someone brings it up, refuse to engage them in conversation about the topic. Just change the subject to how beautiful the flowers are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Your wedding day is actually not about you; you are inviting people to a party. You are a hostess. Or a host. Show some class, stop the grotesque navel-gazing, and get a grip on reality.

Granted you are a host at your wedding, but you shouldn't be forced to play host for people you didn't invite, that includes children.

Excellent. Then I hope you'll understand when I don't attend and send a sh*tty gift.

Honestly if this was your attitude and it was my wedding, I'd rather you not come and not send a gift. Playing host does not equal pleasing everyone because that is just impossible. The wedding may not be about only the bride and groom but it is absurd to argue that they should have no say over how the day goes and cave to the request and complaint of every guest. And how can you assume that there aren't guests who like the no-kids rule? I am sure that there are as many people who are mad about the no-kids rules as there are people who are pleased. Why should the BIL aim only to please and accomodate people with kids who want to bring them to the wedding?

I think that the OP's solution makes sense. It is ridiculous for her in-laws to make a big deal about missing the rehearsal dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is only a wedding. You are missing a party. NO BIG DEAL.

What's important is what comes after - do you welcome the new member of the family? Do you treat her well, and welcome her into your heart? That is what counts. Not the party.

It is perfectly fair to want an adults only wedding. It is unfair to get upset if some people cannot accommodate that request and just send a nice gift.

It's "only" a wedding? It's this attitude that contributes to the high rate of divorce. But then again, it's "only" divorce.