Year-old son not invited to Uncle's wedding (LONG)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This event is not all about you. It's his WEDDING. Think you could stop complaining about how inconvenienced you are for two seconds and think about someone else? Geeze, not including kids is common when it comes to weddings, and I think he has been most gracious and accommodating by arranging a sitter.

um, thanks for missing op's point. she has no obligation to use a sitter that she's not comfortable with; in fact, she has no obligation to attend at all. she's getting grief b/c the compromise she's made isn't to her inlaws' liking. they're the ones who need to get over themselves. rehearsal dinner as a command performance event? puh-lease.

Um, I didn't say OP had an obligation to use the sitter. OP used "unfair," "less than ideal," and "irked" to describe her situation, and I think it's relevant to point out that she is complaining about a close family member's wedding, a once in a lifetime (for arguments sake) event for him. Possibly the single most important day of his life. Personally, I think she should just stay home with the child and send DH to the wedding. I don't think she has an obligation to go at all if the arrangements don't work, and I don't think she should be guilted into going to the rehearsal dinner or anything else for that matter by the in-laws. I just think if she chooses to attend the wedding, she shouldn't make such a fuss about the "restrictions," cost, sitter, time off from work, etc.

[Anonymous]

I would never use a hotel sitter. Ever.

[Anonymous]

I do not attend events from which my child is expressly barred. I won't take her anywhere objectively inappropriate, but I will make that decision, and weddings should be family events.

And, it's worth mentioning that I've never been to a wedding where the children weren't an unmitigated delight (or at least, where they were allowed to make a scene-- hooray for responsible, considerate parents). Nothing cuter than the groom dancing with a flower girl! YMMV.

[Anonymous]

I'd like to add another perspective and that is that of a single man without children. If you do not have children, you really have no idea what that world is like. To your brother in law, it may seem perfectly plausible to leave your son with a babysitter that he is providing. He has no idea what that means yet. So, I'd cut your brother in law some slack. He's getting married and wants his brother and sis-in-law there to celebrate it. And he probably cannot accommate everyone's children. That could easily double the head count. And it's hard to make exceptions - such as so-and-so may bring their children but other's cannot. I think you came up with a good solution of flying out later and bringing your nanny.

When I was pregnant, my best friend was in the middle of planning her destination wedding. I thought that I'd be able to attend the wedding and leave the baby with my parents (who live in another state). Once I had the baby, I quickly realized that that was really foolish of me to even consider. I was so overwhelmed and excited but exhausted and in no shape to trek out to a destination wedding without baby. My point is - you don't know what do you don't know. And your brother-in-law just does not know.

[Anonymous]

PP, I think that was the most insightful post so far. BIL likely thinks he is being accommodating, so OP should not take any of this personally -- be appreciative that a sitter was offered but explain that it doesn't work for the baby at this age [given baby's temperament, or whatever explanation might make sense to the single guy]. All of her in-laws, though, need to also accept that she will make her own best decision about child care and they should not take it personally when she is unable to attend all of the events as a result. (Optimally, they'd also express appreciation for all of her efforts to ensure she and her husband could be in attendance.)

It's always best to assume best intentions, even if you suspect otherwise.

[Anonymous]

OP--you are not being unreasonable. I think your BIL is. Fine if you want to ban children from a wedding, but this is his godson.

Where is the sanity, people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not attend events from which my child is expressly barred. I won't take her anywhere objectively inappropriate, but I will make that decision, and weddings should be family events.

And, it's worth mentioning that I've never been to a wedding where the children weren't an unmitigated delight (or at least, where they were allowed to make a scene-- hooray for responsible, considerate parents). Nothing cuter than the groom dancing with a flower girl! YMMV.

That's your opinion. I love my children more than anything, but I can't stand it when kids are at weddings. We were strong armed into allowing two children from my husband's extended family come to our wedding and it still makes us angry. Some people just don't want that.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you have your parent's come out and take care of the baby? Better yet, bring your nanny. My husband and I have two weddings where we're bringing a grandparent to babysit. One wedding is even out of the country. You can make this work.

I don't agree with your BIL but it's his wedding. And if it makes you feel better, when your son gets married and your nieces and nephews want to bring their kids you can put the kabosh on it and say 'adults only'.

[Anonymous]

Man...whats happening with the world today? Seriously.

Isn't a wedding about sharing the happiest day with family and friends? Does that only include people over 3ft?

I had a friend who requested no children come to her own baby shower.

Maybe talk to your B-i-L or have your husband do it. Maybe later on he might see how silly he's being by saying "no kids" when he has his own?

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the real world and the first of many events - close family and otherwise - that you will be asked not to bring children. It's really not an unreasonable request and it's standard to say "no kids across the board" to avoid playing favorites, hurting anyone's feelings, etc. It's not at all silly. They have decided that they want an adult affair. Family or not, it is not appropriate to tell him that he is being "silly" to say no kids. It might be an inconvenience for you but, hey, that's the way it goes. Not thrilled about spending the $? Well, maybe your bridesmaids at your wedding weren't thrilled having to spend $ on the dresses they had to wear. There are plenty of people who spend lots of $ to get to weddings. On hotel rooms. On gifts. Geeze. Self-centered, indeed.

[Anonymous]

Very well said, PP. I can't stand when people make other peoples' biggest occasions about them, it makes me really sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very well said, PP. I can't stand when people make other peoples' biggest occasions about them, it makes me really sad.

NOT nice.

[Anonymous]

It is only a wedding. You are missing a party. NO BIG DEAL.

What's important is what comes after - do you welcome the new member of the family? Do you treat her well, and welcome her into your heart? That is what counts. Not the party.

It is perfectly fair to want an adults only wedding. It is unfair to get upset if some people cannot accommodate that request and just send a nice gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very well said, PP. I can't stand when people make other peoples' biggest occasions about them, it makes me really sad.

You know what makes me sad? Self-indulgent people who entirely miss the point of happy occasions.

Your wedding day is actually not about you; you are inviting people to a party. You are a hostess. Or a host. Show some class, stop the grotesque navel-gazing, and get a grip on reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Your wedding day is actually not about you; you are inviting people to a party. You are a hostess. Or a host. Show some class, stop the grotesque navel-gazing, and get a grip on reality.

Granted you are a host at your wedding, but you shouldn't be forced to play host for people you didn't invite, that includes children.