Year-old son not invited to Uncle's wedding (LONG)

[Anonymous]

My brother-in-law is getting married in the midwest and is not allowing any kids to attend any of the wedding events. The ban extends to our son (his only nephew and godson). Apparently, this rule was set out because they have too many friends with kids and didn't want to make any exceptions. They said they would arrange babysitters that would come to our hotel room. This seems less than ideal to me since we're supposed to leave him with someone we've never met until the day of the wedding in a sterile hotel room for both the rehearsal dinner and the all-day Saturday wedding events. We're now trying to figure out who can take of our son. We don't have any family in the area. The only option is our nanny at an expense of $150/24 hours. My husband wants to go out to the wedding at least two days prior to the wedding to spend time with his family. I cannot help but be irked by this because his brother came to our wedding only a few hours before the commencement of the rehearsal dinner and insisted that their parents pick him up at an airport 120 miles roundtrip from the rehearsal dinner location. The double-standard really bothers me.

So, the long and the short of it is that my husband is going to fly out on Thursday and I'm going to fly out on Saturday morning (the wedding is later that day). Our nanny is going to take care of our son all day Saturday/night and Sunday through late in the evening. The combination of flights and the nanny will cost us about $1500.

My husband's family is now giving us a lot of grief that I'm missing the rehearsal dinner. I think this is unfair in light of the restrictions placed on us with regard to our son. Plus, they essentially expect me to miss a day of work and pay for two additional days of the nanny's care. I also don't want to be away from our son for three full days. Am I being petty/unreasonable? I feel like I am a little bit (otherwise I wouldn't be seeking advice) but still feel that we are doing our best to be accomodating. What do you think?

[Anonymous]

Grief over a rehearsal dinner? These folks need to get lives. You're doing more than I would to be accommodating.

[Anonymous]

How about asking your parents to come to your house and babysit their grandchild while you and your husband go to the wedding?

[Anonymous]

Truthfully, I would say that maybe you could try to be a bit more flexible. Weddings are such stressful and emotionally charged events for everyone involved, so my rule of thumb is try to be as accommodating and thick-skinned as possible. I also try as hard as possible to not compare behavior from one event to the next.

Now, a couple of questions:

Is the wedding at the hotel? If yes, you could go and check on your son during the event if you were nervous about an unknown babysitter. Or, even if it is near by, perhaps one of you could slip out and see the your son and that might make you more comfortable with using a babysitter unknown to you. What about calling often, to alleviate any concern you might have. This eliminate the need for your own nanny (and the cost of airfare, time, etc.).

Best of luck in negotiating this so that it works for your family as well as your BIL!

[Anonymous]

Your BIL is ridiculous. And your DH should really step up and say something. I can't really think of a solution except that you should have absolutely no guilt about the rehearsal dinner and should tell your BIL exactly why you won't be there - because you don't want to spend such a long period of time away from your son.

Just a thought, what is the cost to fly the nanny out to the wedding? Or maybe even your parents? I don't know your parents' financial situation but maybe they would even pay for airfare/hotel themselves (I would offer to help, give miles, whatever) I would probably at least explore that route b/c that way you wouldn't have to be away from your son for so long.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for your feedback - I appreciate it. My mom lives in Florida and is not physically able to take care of our son alone. As for the wedding, it's not at the hotel (I think it's some miles away). The other problem is that basically, having our son in a hotel with us for two nights would mean that none of us would get any sleep since he's used to being in his own room and we'd be coming back to the hotel room way past his bedtime.

[Anonymous]

This event is not all about you. It's his WEDDING. Think you could stop complaining about how inconvenienced you are for two seconds and think about someone else? Geeze, not including kids is common when it comes to weddings, and I think he has been most gracious and accommodating by arranging a sitter.

[Anonymous]

We've used hotel babysitters for infant and toddler and it's been fine.

If you're not comfortable with that, perhaps one of their friends with kids is taking their nanny? We went to a wedding once where we hooked up with another family (who we did not know beforehand) and paid their nanny a bit extra to watch the two kids. THey all did room-service dinner together, played and went into their cribs. We picked DD up afterwards adn carried the crib to our room. Easy as could be.

Or, perhaps you could take your nanny along but see if another family wants to use her as well and perhaps pay for a few of the hours while she's watching all the kids. Your son could stay in the nanny's room, so he wouldn't hear you coming in and out.

[Anonymous]

You are doing more than I. I would not go and send DH alone. I would NOT under any circumstances leave my son with someone I do not know. He is a very attached little boy and he would freak out if we left him is a strange environment with a strange person. Secondly, I do not know your financial situation, but there is no way we would be able to shell out $1500 extra for the wedding. I would however lug the nanny out with me if money were no option.

I guess I just don't understand people like your BIL. When we got married, there was no talk of if kids were invited or not, it just never crossed my mind. I guess if people wanted a night out and drinking they hired a sitter, or if they wanted the kids to come they brought them. Obviously its his wedding and he can ban anyone he wants, heck he can ban Jews and blacks and no one can say anything since it's his wedding and anyone who complains is selfish as 12:49 so vehemently pointed out.

[Anonymous]

Hi,
I had a similar situation in the fall, and I remember a related thread about another similar situation a few months ago. I think you'll find that responses to you will run the gamut - a lot of people think nothing of leaving their children with babysitters that they've never met.

I wouldn't do this, and it created a lot of tension in my family. Until a few weeks ago, I was still angry at my brother, but now I'm over it.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I really believe that people get nutty when they plan weddings, and they get so wrapped up in their vision of the wedding, that they don't have a lot of "space" left in their heads to put themselves in your shoes.

Just wanted to drop a few words of support since I skimmed a few snarky replies above. I think it's a great idea to see if another family might wish to share your babysitter for the wedding. Also, I wouldn't worry ONE BIT about the rehearsal dinner. Five years from now, no one will even remember if you were there or not - and you're already annoyed enough and don't need the extra hassle.

Don't even get me started on taking multiple days off from work for a wedding. When I got married ten years ago, people would never expect other people to do that. In fact, after three days of pre-wedding events for my brother's destination wedding, I was sick of all his friends and just wanted to go home and spend time with my babies!



Good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Ouch! I don't understand people who are accusing the OP of being self-centered! She has a young child, and despite the BIL's offer, she's not comfortable with the choices... so, she rearranged her schedule to best accomodate her concerns, and also attend the wedding.

I wish BIL had invited your son, but I understand the "adults only" thing. I don't think the OP is even really upset about that... I think she's irked because now the family is making a big deal about the rehearsal dinner. Sorry, but that would bother me too. Just politely tell them you can't make it because you don't have child care arrangements worked out. If they say "Oh, but BIL will find you a sitter", thank them graciously and say "I'm sorry, but as DS is only ___ months old, I'm really not comfortable leaving him with someone he is not familiar with."

End of story.

OP, you shouldn't feel apologetic. The family (and BIL) will survive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This event is not all about you. It's his WEDDING. Think you could stop complaining about how inconvenienced you are for two seconds and think about someone else? Geeze, not including kids is common when it comes to weddings, and I think he has been most gracious and accommodating by arranging a sitter.

um, thanks for missing op's point. she has no obligation to use a sitter that she's not comfortable with; in fact, she has no obligation to attend at all. she's getting grief b/c the compromise she's made isn't to her inlaws' liking. they're the ones who need to get over themselves. rehearsal dinner as a command performance event? puh-lease.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't have used a hotel sitter for my 1 year old. I think you're being more than accommodating.

[Anonymous]

I also found the OP's behavior to be self-centered. Lots of people request only adults at weddings, and not all of them provide babysitters! She is irritated that her son was not invited but guess what. . .it is not her wedding. Really.

Yes, the family should get over it that she can't attend the rehearsal. And the OP should get over the fact that the situation is not ideal to her. Again, it is not her wedding.

[Anonymous]

In a similar situation now and rather frustrated too. If he wants to ban kids, I totally understand and respect that (heck, we did!), but he's being absurd about your missing the rehearsal dinner. Frankly with all the mess and childcare issues over this one wedding I'm dreading (out of 4 this summer!) I don't even want to go, but since I have to I've made it a pretty short trip. I understand about not wanting to use the hotel sitters, as I'm in the camp of avoiding strangers-as-childcare as much as possible.
Good luck, and try to have some fun when you go