Fighting urge to pummel my 13 y.o. dd when she comes in the door

[Anonymous]

Take away her curling iron, hair dryer (wouldn't worry about makeup because one of her friends will give it to her at school) and all of the clothing she loves. Trust me I know this is not enough to fix a big problem but this kind of stuff is MAJOR to a teenage girl. So it could be a start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, do the 17 yo boy's parents know he is involved with a 13 yo girl? Have you tried talking with him and his parents, his school counselor, his principal, etc? All the adults in his life need to know what he is doing and try to get him to change. I ask out of curiosity, not judgement, because I find it so hard to understand why a 17 yo would do this. And I would be terrified if it were my 13 yo daughter. My DD is very close to 13 and this thread is scaring me.

The 17 y.o. boy's parents need to know he is in contact w/ 13 y.o. girl because depending on the state this is in, he could be looking at criminal charges for sexual activity with a minor. Conviction on such charges could leave him with a criminal record and the obligation to register as a sex offender, with all its restrictions, for the rest of his life. State laws vary, but in general, a sexual relationship with a girl under 14 or with a girl who is a minor 4 or more years younger than the guy, is legally very risky. Boys need to understand the potential consequences of their actions. Girls need to be taught that the power differential that exists between a 17 y.o. and a 13 y.o. means that the relationship is skewed and that is not "love".

Said as a person who dated a "up" and wishes someone had taught me differently when I was a teen and still at home.

[Anonymous]

She obviously doesn't have enough homework, for one thing. Give her "Mom homework" to supplement whatever she is receiving. Pick the subjects she is weakest in and get some workbooks. Take her to the library after school. Give her positive rewards as well as negative consequences for improving the attitude/grades, etc. Does she participate in any constructive extracurricular activities? What chores is she responsible for? My middle schooler has so much homework plus music lessons plus Dad homework plus no screen time Sun-Thurs that she doesn't much room for error.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She obviously doesn't have enough homework, for one thing. Give her "Mom homework" to supplement whatever she is receiving. Pick the subjects she is weakest in and get some workbooks. Take her to the library after school. Give her positive rewards as well as negative consequences for improving the attitude/grades, etc. Does she participate in any constructive extracurricular activities? What chores is she responsible for? My middle schooler has so much homework plus music lessons plus Dad homework plus no screen time Sun-Thurs that she doesn't much room for error.

NP here. LOL. So true though. Busy people don't have time to get into trouble.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised at the number of posts to take things away from the teenager. I would have thought that this only encourages them to rebel and dislike you. I thought the key thing would be to talk and discuss feelings etc. Won't the child be more likely to change their behavior if they feel they've hurt someone they love rather than if they have something taken away from them.

So, my question is - for those of you who have done PEP courses, what do they say about taking away things for discipline? (Not OP, by the way).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks 16:10. However, we are waaaaay past taking away electronics and other privileges. I have no leverage left. She even missed a good friends bar mitzvah this past weekend and didn't wince at the threat when I made it.

My main issue is that I can't FORCE her to do anything. I took away computer privileges and she uses it anyway. I canceled her facebook account and she somehow reactivated it. I told her she couldn't go to the movies with friends I didn't know last Friday and her response, "well what are you going to do about it when I just walk out the door?"

16:10, been there, done that. That kind of behavior has not had any useful effect other than to send my blood pressure up.

http://www.amazon.com/Parents-Teenagers-Dissolving-Barrier-Between/dp/0060007990/ref=sr_1_27?ie=UTF8&qid=1290310832&sr=8-27

I like this book - I'm rereading it now. I don't agree with EVERYTHING he says, but its generally pretty good. If you're looking for ideas, it may be helpful. His whole schtick is "choice theory" which actually makes some sense - the whole idea is since you can't force them, how to handle other ways.

Good luck. This age is brutal. We are at 13 here too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised at the number of posts to take things away from the teenager. I would have thought that this only encourages them to rebel and dislike you. I thought the key thing would be to talk and discuss feelings etc. Won't the child be more likely to change their behavior if they feel they've hurt someone they love rather than if they have something taken away from them.

So, my question is - for those of you who have done PEP courses, what do they say about taking away things for discipline? (Not OP, by the way).

22:42 here- I agree with this poster - I think clearly taking items away is not working, why keep doing it?

Her peer group that you have issues with - what about telling her that you are apprehensive about them (I'm sure she can already tell) and suggest that she have them over, perhaps its just that you haven't had a chance to get to know them? (Not sure if the group is slightly edgy or REALLY edgy - disregard I suppose if the latter).

I second the counseling suggestion. We went to it a few years ago, but what we learned there has been useful as we enter 13.

Maybe some positive incentives for doing better in school? Connect for her how doing better in school will positively impact her long-term options (ie - better college, not having to live at home while going to community college)

I agree with the PP who suggested remaining calm, repeating I love you, its b/c I love you, ad nauseum.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I was hell on my mom growing up. From 14 till I moved out at 17 we just couldn't get along. I think sitting down and talking like a PP had said would have really helped but neither of us wanted to make the first move. My mom blamed her self but at the same time couldn't stop making it about her when we did try to talk. I think if she had gone in neutral and just asked straight out "hey what is up" that I may have responded better. At 17 I moved 3 states away. At the time I felt that finally I had gotten free. Then I realized everything I was missing. I now live back in my home town, less than a 10 min walk from my mom's house. She is my best friend and I tell her everything. Just make sure your daughter knows how much you love her and how you want her to be happy and SAFE. Tell her how much you want to make things better between the two of you and ask what you can do to make things work better in her opinion. When she tells you how she feels and what would make the situation better then reason with her until you can both agree on set rules. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out for you. There is no better relationship than one between a mother and daughter.

[Anonymous]

I was your daughter at 13 and I can tell you that punishment and discipline like several of PPs suggested just had the opposite effect. When you start taking away everything -- or take away something for every infraction -- it becomes a "who cares" kind of thing (e.g. if I have nothing left to lose, then it doesn't matter what I do so if I'm going to go wrong, I might as well go really, really wrong).

I don't know what your family dynamic is, OP, but is it possible something within it is causing your daughter to act out? Or something in her school/daily life? My teenage years would have been SO much better for everyone if we'd done some sort of family therapy and brought some of the issues I was reacting to to the surface instead of everyone assuming I was a terrible child who just needed a little discipline. Unless your daughter is a sociopath, something is causing her to go off the rails a bit and simply punishing her isn't going to help identify it so you can try to fix it. If she was a pretty obedient child until recently, try to figure out what the trigger for misbehaving is -- hormones? trying to fit in at school? something at home? a combo? I strongly recommend some family therapy.

Just to be clear, I'm not advocating letting her run wild. Imposing limits is fine -- just accompany them with an effort to identifying any underlying issues. Increasing the amount of time you spend with her, especially one-on-one, might help and will certainly help you know where she is. Also, think about whether you praise her/highlight her skills/show appreciation for who she is. You may do a lot of it, but if not, think a little bit about the messages she receives at home. You don't want to create a vicious cycle of negative self-thought. Giving her some element of choice/control also may be very helpful so she doesn't feel the need to rebel. Start small and scale up as she shows she can make good decisions.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:17:01, her real father is deceased. Her step-dad has been in the picture since she was about 2y.o. He is at his wit's end with the situation as well. We don't have her in therapy. We did not have major issues with discipline until this past year.

It's been nearly two hours since she got off the school bus. I still don't know what I'm going to do when she walks through the door.

No kidding - your child is problematic???

Gee, with your attitude I would have have guessed.

You call the only man who she has known as her father - Her step-dad bc after all her "real" father is deceased. Yeah, so what is your husband a "fake" father? No wonder your kid has emotional problems.

And let me guess...'well I don't say things like that to her" ...but just bc you have been saying it in earshot of her for what her whole life shouldn't have any effect right?

Get therapy for yourself first.

While this poster has a pretty harsh way of phrasing it, he/she has a very valid point. My DH is technically DS's stepfather (or was until he adopted him). But neither of us has ever referred to him as the stepfather, or called his biological father his "real" father,etc. And in our case it's actually pretty obvious, since DS is a different race than DH. But DS is now pretty quick to point out who is "real" father is, and that biology does not a "real" father make. None of this may be relevant to your current problem--or it may be a part of a larger issue. Something worth considering. And I'd certainly think about getting therapy for your DD, and perhaps for the family, at least for a while. Clearly your daughter is acting out in some pretty major ways, and it will also have a negative impact on your other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another poster who peeked in (my kids are under 5).

OP - not sure this will help you, but I was a HORRIBLE 13-14 yo (actually, probably pretty horrible until I went to college). I would stay out ALL NIGHT and not tell my parents. Drank, etc. I know it sounds cliche, but it was a phase. I wasn't particularly happy and acted out in the only way I knew how.

I ended up graduated with honors from a small (but good) private college, went to law school and now am a pretty accomplished attorney.

All this to say that it sucks now, but there is still hope. I think I could have benefitted from counseling though - so maybe try that route. GL.

Well, things are a lot more competitive these days. It sounds like OPs DD is not doing well in school so the likelihood that she would get into a decent college is slim. OP needs to nip this in the bud ASAP. Kids don't really have the luxury to go these phases anymore and come out smelling like a rose. IMHO

[Anonymous]

OP,

How are things going? I hope you can get help.

[Anonymous]

I like the idea of volunteering for punishment; i've heard of this really changing a kids life. Is there some aid agency nearby that need help stocking food pantry shelves or sorting donated clothes that she could do after school? This not only gives her an outlet, but supervision and another adult or two to connect with. A little altruism goes a long way.

[Anonymous]

I only found this post because someone else linked it in the GP forum. OP, if you are still reading, have you thought of depression? I became profoundly depressed at 11 and my behavior totally changed. Hormones are a killer sometimes and puberty sucks. Depression doesn't always mean sitting in your room doing nothing but crying. It can also mean being a mean bitch. I don't know if that's what's going on, but I thought I'd put it out there. Hope things get better for your both.

[Anonymous]

My DD is now 14 and starting to emerge from a 2-year funk. It is VERY difficult for parents to compete with peers for attention at this age and also very easy to go negative. When things were most difficult we set expectations for household chores in exchange for spending money at the end of a week. And tried to find something positive to say about school/chores/attitutde. Things started to turn around fairly quickly but kids are very sensitive to moods and will exploit any differences between parents.

You really need to have the lines of communications open at this age. Once they are 16-17 and no longer depend on you for transportation, your influence and leverage are even less. IMO you have about the first 12 years to establish the framework. The next years they will be actively testing and you want them to be able to talk to you if/as they do.