Fighting urge to pummel my 13 y.o. dd when she comes in the door

[Anonymous]

I told her to come straight home from the bus. Instead she ignored my calls from the window, ignored the neighbor (7th grader) I sent to get her (I'm in bed sick today) and walked off with some girls I would prefer she not hang out with. I don't even know where she is right now. I have had it up to my ears with the blatant disrespect and disregard for rules. I grew up in the a household where my siblings and I were physically disciplined by our parents, but I have tried to take a different route with my children. Unfortunately, I literally feel like I need to be talked off a ledge right now.

[Anonymous]

Taking away all electronics is the best revenge, OP. Hurts her a lot more than physical discipline, and you can virtuously enjoy her pain.

[Anonymous]

I don't care how sick I was, I would have gone after her. It would have embarrassed the crap out of her to have her bedraggled, psycho mom chasing after her. The other girls would see she's way too uncool for them and too much of a hassel, and they'd ditch her.

[Anonymous]

Thanks 16:10. However, we are waaaaay past taking away electronics and other privileges. I have no leverage left. She even missed a good friends bar mitzvah this past weekend and didn't wince at the threat when I made it.

My main issue is that I can't FORCE her to do anything. I took away computer privileges and she uses it anyway. I canceled her facebook account and she somehow reactivated it. I told her she couldn't go to the movies with friends I didn't know last Friday and her response, "well what are you going to do about it when I just walk out the door?"

16:10, been there, done that. That kind of behavior has not had any useful effect other than to send my blood pressure up.

[Anonymous]

Make friends with a local cop and call the cops on her ass? Ignore it and then refuse to bail her out of trouble?Take all the stuff out of her room since you paid for it and make her earn it back (saw that in an afterschool special in the 80s). I'm sorry OP. 13 sucks. A lot. I wish I had something more useful to offer.

[Anonymous]

How does she use the computer if you've taken it away? How does she get out of the house past you?

[Anonymous]

I'd send her to Catholic school. You have lost control and need to change her peer group. I'd also seriously think about calling PEP for some parenting assistance if you are in DC or MD. I believe that they have classes specifically about teens. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

16:35, I took away the privilege, but I leave the desktop set up so that my other two kids can use it. I've caught her on it several times since I told her she was not allowed to use it. She doesn't get out of the house while I'm there, but I work full time downtown and her bus arrives at 3:00p.m. She made the remark over the phone.

16:38, I agree. The peer group was not a problem until she started attending public school two years ago. In fact, about 90% of our problems started when she began attending private school, not to mention she doesn't care about her performance in school lately. She is more concerned about clothes and hair. I mentioned the notion of going back to private school to her the other day and she cried for hours. She threatened to not do any work and not attend. She also argued that the curriculum is not as expansive and doesn't offer as many extracurricular activities, etc. She doesn't take any responsibility for her role in this and why I am doing it. I really wish there was some other solution than paying another private school tuition when that money could (and should) be going toward college savings but I am truly at my wits end.

[Anonymous]

OP,
So sorry. Is there another adult in the picture? Or are you a single parent?
Is she in therapy? Do you talk about why she does this?
I'm a single mom, 14-year-old DS, we've had some struggles, this is such a rough age. For six weeks last fall, I thought I was going to go insane.

[Anonymous]

17:01, her real father is deceased. Her step-dad has been in the picture since she was about 2y.o. He is at his wit's end with the situation as well. We don't have her in therapy. We did not have major issues with discipline until this past year.

It's been nearly two hours since she got off the school bus. I still don't know what I'm going to do when she walks through the door.

[Anonymous]

17:01. I'm sorry. This is so hard! This was the hardest stretch for me, fall of Seventh Grade. What do you think you might do? She left her cell at home?

I would go nuts! I'd tell her she's grounded until the Sunday after Thanksgiving. I'd tell her you are not backing down. I'd talk to her about why she's doing this. I'd tell her if she runs away, you will call the police.

How can she use the computer if you've taken away privileges? Find a way for that NOT to happen.

I'd get her into therapy. Some stuff about her childhood might be slamming her, and she might not want to upset you, she might be trying to protect you in fact (though without realizing that).

Does she have siblings? Let us know what happens this evening.

[Anonymous]

Can you change the password on your computer? You or your DH can log in for your other kids. I would also take away everything that you've bought for her including favourite clothes, shoes and accessories. I would also consider calling the cops on her. She's 13, aren't there curfew laws for minors? Also, threaten private school again. Maybe a girls catholic school?

[Anonymous]

Oops, I didn't see the two other siblings. Are they from your second marriage? Before calling the police, I'd try to connect with her emotionally. I would also get her into therapy and do a few sessions with her.
Also, watch these videos!
http://www.drjohnduffy.com/available1.html
He's got a book coming out next year.
He's in the Chicago area, I wonder if there's anyone like him around here.

[Anonymous]

She just walked in the door after two of her friends randomly called the house phone asking for her (I think they were trying to gauge my temper and see how much trouble she was in). She claimed to have gone to a friend's house and didn't want to come home because she hates me, I never let her go anywhere, do anything, etc. I reminded her of why she can't go anywhere (grades, behavior), but there was no acknowledgment of her role. It turned into the usual scream-fest, door-slamming, and younger siblings observing in wonderment. We just don't have a healthy household right now and I'm growing increasingly frustrated.

[Anonymous]

OP, the computer should be easy. You should be able to give the other kids their own passwords. Maybe nobody can use it until a parent is home so that you can monitor. I have two boys, and 13-14 is when mine have really started to push the envelope. Catholic school's not that expensive if you go to a diocesan school. I'd call her bluff and send her to get away from the bad peer group. Have seen other families make this move successfully. Good luck.