Fighting urge to pummel my 13 y.o. dd when she comes in the door

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:01, her real father is deceased. Her step-dad has been in the picture since she was about 2y.o. He is at his wit's end with the situation as well. We don't have her in therapy. We did not have major issues with discipline until this past year.

It's been nearly two hours since she got off the school bus. I still don't know what I'm going to do when she walks through the door.

No kidding - your child is problematic???

Gee, with your attitude I would have have guessed.

You call the only man who she has known as her father - Her step-dad bc after all her "real" father is deceased. Yeah, so what is your husband a "fake" father? No wonder your kid has emotional problems.

And let me guess...'well I don't say things like that to her" ...but just bc you have been saying it in earshot of her for what her whole life shouldn't have any effect right?

Get therapy for yourself first.

[Anonymous]

19:59 OP is sick in bed and very upset. She meant her biological father. Where is your heart?

[Anonymous]

OP, I really feel for you. I've been through some pretty rough times with my oldest, but he is not blatently disrespectful and has never left when I said no. A long time ago, I met a mom whose son did something that could have landed him in jail - maybe it was shoplifting or breaking into someone's house, definitely not violent. She told me that in addition to grounding him and making him stay in his room, she removed everything but the bed, a desk and chair and a desk lamp and then told her son that this is what jail would be like and he better figure out whether he was cut out for it. She also told me about eliminating all screen time - cell phones, computers, TV, telephone, camera, video camera, etc.

Anyway, with my oldest, when things started spiraling out of control, I took trash bags and removed everything from his room. I replaced colored sheets and comforter with plain white. All desk accessories - gone. Pictures. You name it. If clothes had mattered, they would have gone too and I would have replaced them with plain jeans and plain shirts and all plain white underwear. But, since I didn't think it would matter, it was too big of an expense and too much of a pain for no gain. The criteria for return of the items was behavior that I found acceptable. And, I never had to define it because he knew what I expected and accepted. Once things were returned, he had to put everything away and it took days. I think I had to do this three times over about three or four years.

The only other thing I would say is that if you think you can work out anything through counseling, I'd really try it before you go behavioral. Also, I can't recall if you said, but if she is having problems with grades, you might want to meet with the school to figure out whether it's her lack of effort or whether she needs some academic support.

Best to you. While it was a lot of work, I have reached a real peaceful time, which I hope lasts for awhile, and I wish the same for you.

[Anonymous]

People will disagree, but you and your daughter really, really need to talk. You are past the point where you can just tell her what to do because she is going to defy you, leaving you with a choice of some extreme discipline or letting her get away.

Get a timer, sit down, and take turns talking for five minute, sharing your thoughts and needs, where no one can interrupt during the other's turn. Your daughter has to know why you are concerns with her actions, and acknowledge your concerns. You have to listen to your daughter's needs and acknowledge her need for independence and friendship. At the same time, you need to be able to communicate with your daughter without taking her actions as an insult or challenge to you. I am sure that she is not trying to show you up in every action- but feels a need to develop friendships. Everyone needs to be heard and acknowledged.

After some good talking to develop trust, I would suggest some type of contract with conditions on both sides - and with consequences for breaking the terms. For example, she has to come home after school but is guaranteed time with friends once you get home. For punishment, I suggest physical volunteer time - such as pulling weeds at church, etc. Then punishment is not forever, but really unpleasant. this also allows you to separate from the punishment. It also allows you to be calm and stop escalating arguments.

In the end, what you desire her safety and well-being, and what she wants is happiness and socialization that is so important in her mind. Your family should be able to get both.

[Anonymous]

"Get therapy for yourself first. "

This.

[Anonymous]

PP here and I think 22:32 is right on. (I'd suggested connecting emotionally.) I will also allow that it is very challenging to make that connection and also not to react. I went through a stretch last year with my son when he was 13.

[Anonymous]

OP ignore the mean posts. (And shame on you, you're really mean!)

[Anonymous]

I have peaked in here to see what the future might hold -my kids are still in preschool - and now I'm terrified. OP, please let us know how things went. Now I'm going to go and live in fear for the next 8-16 years...

[Anonymous]

I have 3 daughters so your post brings me real fear and a desire to take action.

Get yourself to a PEP class ASAP.
Call the school counselor for advice and to get that person paying attention to your DD at school. She is AT RISK.

Take control of her time as much as possible. If she can't manage the walk from the bus to home, then that's got to change. My first thought is to get her off of the bus and somehow get her to a food bank or animal shelter or something like that where she can volunteer. She's old enough to volunteer at the library but that may be too dull. She needs more responsibility and to focus beyond herself. It will open her mind to caring more about others and believing that she's capable of real responsibilities. At 13, there's a lot of great things that she can do but she just doesn't know what so she's floundering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't care how sick I was, I would have gone after her. It would have embarrassed the crap out of her to have her bedraggled, psycho mom chasing after her. The other girls would see she's way too uncool for them and too much of a hassel, and they'd ditch her.

This!

[Anonymous]

I'm mom to a 13-year-old daughter myself. It can truly suck at times. I keep thinking that if only she'd put the mental energy she uses in being devious into schoolwork, she'd have straight As. In our case, I've been banning a 17-year-old boy. Blocked him on the cell phone and Facebook and she finds several text apps for her ipod touch. I banned that and discovered she's texting him from friends' phones. Unlike some other teens, she doesn't yell at me, but completely shuts down and won't talk to me for hours. Wouldn't talk when I took her to a therapist either.

I have to say that right before I clicked on this thread I was just contemplating how nice it would be to take the $250 monthly contribution I was about to put in her 529 plan and go shoe shopping!

[Anonymous]

PP, do the 17 yo boy's parents know he is involved with a 13 yo girl? Have you tried talking with him and his parents, his school counselor, his principal, etc? All the adults in his life need to know what he is doing and try to get him to change. I ask out of curiosity, not judgement, because I find it so hard to understand why a 17 yo would do this. And I would be terrified if it were my 13 yo daughter. My DD is very close to 13 and this thread is scaring me.

[Anonymous]

Another poster who peeked in (my kids are under 5).

OP - not sure this will help you, but I was a HORRIBLE 13-14 yo (actually, probably pretty horrible until I went to college). I would stay out ALL NIGHT and not tell my parents. Drank, etc. I know it sounds cliche, but it was a phase. I wasn't particularly happy and acted out in the only way I knew how.

I ended up graduated with honors from a small (but good) private college, went to law school and now am a pretty accomplished attorney.

All this to say that it sucks now, but there is still hope. I think I could have benefitted from counseling though - so maybe try that route. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another poster who peeked in (my kids are under 5).

OP - not sure this will help you, but I was a HORRIBLE 13-14 yo (actually, probably pretty horrible until I went to college). I would stay out ALL NIGHT and not tell my parents. Drank, etc. I know it sounds cliche, but it was a phase. I wasn't particularly happy and acted out in the only way I knew how.

I ended up graduated with honors from a small (but good) private college, went to law school and now am a pretty accomplished attorney.

All this to say that it sucks now, but there is still hope. I think I could have benefitted from counseling though - so maybe try that route. GL.

you again! ms. accomplished attorney

[Anonymous]

We had a similarly difficult time with my stepchild, who is now 19 and a wonderful guy. A couple of suggestions, not all of which might work for you and your family. First is to follow through on threats of discipline. Don't just say you are going to ban her from friend's bat mitzvah, don't let her go. Empty threats only breed contempt for you. Second, reach out to her friends' parents. One of the most powerful tools is when adults are communicating. At one point our son got in trouble with the law, and it turns out his buddy's parents had known the boys were misbehaving, but chose not to tell us for some reason. In another incident, he was horribly embarassed when we called the parents of a girlfriend to let them know we'd caught him sneaking back into the house after meeting up with her in the middle of the night. I agree with the PP who said to also talk to the school. Counselors can both give you a sense of whether something is happening at school that triggered the behavior, and can then help intervene or offer strategies.

Get some family counseling if you can. We did so, and while it didn't necessarily give us the success we had imagined, it was an opportunity to air some issues with a moderator present. The counselor can decide who comprises each session (parents and kid, just parents, just kid) based on how things are evolving.

It's So SO SO hard, but try to stay calm so that it doesn't devolve into a yelling match. Let her do the screaming and yelling. Take a deep breath and then "I'm sorry you feel that way, but..." and continue the dialogue. It sounds too pat, but she does need to see that you mean business and she can't shake you. "You're right DD, I'll still be at work and can't physically stop you from going to the movies after school. But, there will be consequences and downstream effects if you do." and throughout it, make sure that you say "I love you" as much as you can. "I love you, but am disappointed in your behavior. As a result, you are grounded". Kids that age might not acknowledge it, but that consistent reaffirmation of love can make the difference in how this turns out.