Appropriate Punishment for Lying?

[Anonymous]

My son is 11. He lied about being overly punished by his step dad and had CPS call us.. they dropped the case and feel he needs counseling. She told my husband not to punish him. I have no idea how to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Read thru this thread again because I think the advice already given can help. Also I once met with a child psychologist for a few months when one of my kids developed a challenging behavior that I didn't know how to change. I loved those weekly sessions. Best advice and help I ever experienced. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

If he likes to play the wii, take away the wii for a couple of weeks, if you don't think this is enough try to take away any of the things he likes to do or play, like if he likes the T.V take his t.v time away from him. This way he knows that they are going to be consequences for lying and doing what he is not suppose to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad was a high school teacher for 30 years. He always says, "Never ask a kid to lie to you." By that he means: don't ask questions you already know the answer to. I don't know if this applies in this case, but perhaps something to think about going forward. If you know your kid played the Wii or did something else he shouldn't have done, don't ask him. *Tell* him you know he broke a rule and go from there.

I think you've gotten some good advice above, but I will just emphasize that ALL kids lie sometimes, so don't get too bogged down worrying about your child's personal ethics. Just stick to the facts: lying breaks trust and therefore can't be tolerated in personal relationships. Sometimes lying seems like the easy way out, but in the long run it is detrimental to the relationship. I think a lot of parents get all tied up with the morality of lying when really most lying kids do is just to make things easier/better in the very short term. Not materially different from deciding not to do one's homework and not thinking about the longer term consequences. Our job is to get them to recognize the long-term benefits of being trustworthy, and to act now to reap those rewards.

Your dad's advice is actually borne out by the research. THere's a chapter in *NurtureShock* about kids' lying, and one of the insights is that all kids lie, and it's developmentally normal. They often lie because they don't want to disappoint you, so they give you the answer they think you want, even if it's not the truth, so the best strategy is to emphasize that lying is more disappointing to you than the underlying offense. I think it was that book as well that talked about not setting kids up to fail--i.e., don't ask them questions you know the answer to. Just say that you know they broke the rule and address that issue.

+1

If you are really grounding him for playing with the Wii, it may be too harsh a punishment which just encourages him to lie. Take away the wii for a period of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make DS stand on a stool while I walk around him in a circle, screaming:
"All liars shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone"
(Rev 21:8 the King James Version)

It may not stop the lying, but it makes me feel better.

Too funny! You're a troll, but a funny one.

[Anonymous]

Since he lied about the Wii, I'd take away video games for the following week. But I agree with the other PPs who said you need to discuss it with him. The flip side is that maybe he can play the Wii during the week if his homework is done and he asks you first. Personally, I think no video games during the week is a bit rigid assuming the kid is active and getting good grades. But that's just my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Hey

[Anonymous]

I need a punishment

[Anonymous]

Resurrecting this thread. My 11.5 yo lied about doing his home work then tried to hide the poor grades on his homework as a result of his lying, slacking off lifestyle the past two weeks.

I just discovered all of this before he left for school this morning. He's a normally a straight A student or at least capable of being a straight A student, so I'm not too worried about longterm grade consequences. However, I am worried about long term damage to the child-parent relationship because he's definitely entering the tween/teen finding his independence years.

So, my question is: How does he suffer consequences while we are on spring break next week? I mean really? Do I make everyone suffer while he sits on the plane for 3 hours with no iTouch to listen to music or watch movies, etc?

I am more pissed about the lying than the grades. Want him to realize the seriousness, but also don't want to go over board on "punishment" while we are all supposed to be relaxing and enjoying ourselves.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Resurrecting this thread. My 11.5 yo lied about doing his home work then tried to hide the poor grades on his homework as a result of his lying, slacking off lifestyle the past two weeks.

I just discovered all of this before he left for school this morning. He's a normally a straight A student or at least capable of being a straight A student, so I'm not too worried about longterm grade consequences. However, I am worried about long term damage to the child-parent relationship because he's definitely entering the tween/teen finding his independence years.

So, my question is: How does he suffer consequences while we are on spring break next week? I mean really? Do I make everyone suffer while he sits on the plane for 3 hours with no iTouch to listen to music or watch movies, etc?

I am more pissed about the lying than the grades. Want him to realize the seriousness, but also don't want to go over board on "punishment" while we are all supposed to be relaxing and enjoying ourselves.

Thoughts?

I tend to be a very logical consequence type parent. My approach would be, basically, no "punishment" on spring break EXCEPT to the extent that his lying damaged your trust in him and might make you hesitant to allow him certain privileges, depending on your vacation plans and how much independence you are still comfortable granting him. In terms of consequences or punishments, in our home that would just be changes/restrictions to the homework routine for a period of time.

Homework is required to be done to the honest best of our kids' abilities -- if we can't trust them not to slack off and turn in poorly done work or no work at all, then they clearly need more supervision of their homework time to make sure they're meeting standards as verified by us since they decided to lie about it and thus we can't trust them to monitor their own work right now. Mandatory supervised study hall at the kitchen table, for slightly longer than just their homework would usually take them meaning they also have to study with any time left over.

The above presumes I have rules about homework that are known to my kids in advance, which I do only through elementary school. In middle school, individual homework assignments and daily grades are my kids' business to manage but we require them to be carrying a class grade of B or higher in each class at the end of each month. By high school, we only have grade requirements quarterly and if they can get B grades or above at that check in we don't worry about grades on individual assignments and just let them manage their grades themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resurrecting this thread. My 11.5 yo lied about doing his home work then tried to hide the poor grades on his homework as a result of his lying, slacking off lifestyle the past two weeks.

I just discovered all of this before he left for school this morning. He's a normally a straight A student or at least capable of being a straight A student, so I'm not too worried about longterm grade consequences. However, I am worried about long term damage to the child-parent relationship because he's definitely entering the tween/teen finding his independence years.

So, my question is: How does he suffer consequences while we are on spring break next week? I mean really? Do I make everyone suffer while he sits on the plane for 3 hours with no iTouch to listen to music or watch movies, etc?

I am more pissed about the lying than the grades. Want him to realize the seriousness, but also don't want to go over board on "punishment" while we are all supposed to be relaxing and enjoying ourselves.

Thoughts?

I tend to be a very logical consequence type parent. My approach would be, basically, no "punishment" on spring break EXCEPT to the extent that his lying damaged your trust in him and might make you hesitant to allow him certain privileges, depending on your vacation plans and how much independence you are still comfortable granting him. In terms of consequences or punishments, in our home that would just be changes/restrictions to the homework routine for a period of time.

Homework is required to be done to the honest best of our kids' abilities -- if we can't trust them not to slack off and turn in poorly done work or no work at all, then they clearly need more supervision of their homework time to make sure they're meeting standards as verified by us since they decided to lie about it and thus we can't trust them to monitor their own work right now. Mandatory supervised study hall at the kitchen table, for slightly longer than just their homework would usually take them meaning they also have to study with any time left over.

The above presumes I have rules about homework that are known to my kids in advance, which I do only through elementary school. In middle school, individual homework assignments and daily grades are my kids' business to manage but we require them to be carrying a class grade of B or higher in each class at the end of each month. By high school, we only have grade requirements quarterly and if they can get B grades or above at that check in we don't worry about grades on individual assignments and just let them manage their grades themselves.

Op here. thanks for your reply. We are logical consequence types as well and would normally ratchet up the homework routine. Clearly, we got a bit lax in oversigh of his work because he has be cruising through his classes for the most part and we normally don't have to get too involved. So I guess this was a nice wake up call for us.

DH wants to take the iTouch away for 34 days -- I forget his calculus but basically, he allotted twice the number of days he would normally get for poor grades and then added in some time for the lying. I don't know, but I think it's overboard and will just help build resentment. I've already told him he's going to have to give up the dream and get real. If DS takes all this in stride I am more the willing to pull out some homework time on vacation. It pains me to say it, but I will.

[Anonymous]

I caught my 11 yo lying to me today, and the consequence was that he had to do his sister's chores. (Not a natural consequence, I know, but it had an impact.)

[Anonymous]

There are great replies and advice on here! I would like some advice on my current situation please!

I'm 28, mother of 3, and help my grandmother look after my 13 year old niece.....who lies constantly....about any and everything. We have just started her in counselling again (last year, it didn't work. Her lies went further on to stealing and such) So we have her at a different counselor with a different approach. Here's my current situation. She has made up a few lies about things that happened while she spent 1 night at my house. Took my husbands phone and read through all his texts (some of mine and his text to each other are not exactly PG or R for that matter) and youtubed inappropriate things on it (my other niece told me this) and then deleted her browsing history. Made up inappropriate things that she said he(my husband) had been viewing on there, which I know to be lie because he just erased his history on youtube because our kids, 9 and under, have just started using our phones more and he didn't want them to see vulgar things on there. Then tells that she talked to my husband about cheating and made it sound like had cheated on me earlier in our relationship. Made up things that are of no importance at all, for example that her and my husband saw a foreigner and he then started mocking him and talking like him. Of course she hasn't told me any of this. She confided in our cousin who told me and my grandmother everything. My husband did not allow her to use his phone because she's had issues with looking at sexual things on peers and our cousins devices, but we know she used his because she set his screen to selfies she took. I spoke to my husband about it and he said the only thing he mentioned about cheating was when she asked him out of the blue if he ever cheated. He told her, yes he did when he was younger because he kissed a different girl than his girlfriend. but that was all that was said on the topic and there was no foreigners around town that they saw. These are just a very few examples of the things she's said from that night she stayed with us and I also had my other nieces there too to vouch that what she said wasn't true. I don't know if she was upset because she wasn't center of attention because we had our other nieces there or what. Whatever her reasons are, lying like this ridiculous and I know she needs to know that we are not going to put up with it....but how to get that through to her? We have discussed how her lying isn't doing anyone any good, grounded, spankings, and she no longer has her tablet. That is our previous punishments.

Backstory: My grandmother has custody of her because her mom was abusive. We've all ( my cousin/her spouse, and me and my husband) helped out whenever we can to take the strain of our grandparents and give my niece a good time with us on vacation or hanging around the house. We have had meeting and after meeting with her teachers about her and her stories she tells. One teacher ( a male teacher) says he refuses to be alone with her for fear of things she would make up. I've never worried about her making up things about us because she's looked at us like her parents, but this takes the cake. Usually she when she lies its about things she wished happened, like getting called out in class for behaving so well and getting an award, or something to that affect...things for attention. Usually when the big lies happen, we (my cousin and I) step and try to do more with her, positive reinforcement style (encouraging her not to lie and have good behavior and she is rewarded with spending a week with us, or going out to eat with us), but positive reinforcement is obviously not working.

What sort of punishment should go with this? I'm at a loss!!!!! The only thing I can think of is making her tell her therapist all this, with us sitting in there with her. I don't think of that so much as a punishment because that needs to happen anyway.

ANY help would be great!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Tomorrow morning when he wakes up tell him "Pack your bags! We are flying to Disney today! A week at Epcot and Disney! FLight is at lunchtime!!!!"

And then when he comes down with his suitcase tell him you were lying.

Act like it was no big deal.

[Anonymous]

well I might be a little hard core, but my 10 year old lied to me about playing on the IPad, looked me dead in the eye and lied. Guess what? We don't own that IPad any more. Next time he will think before telling me a lie. Hard core, yes, but I have always told my kids the lie will be punished harder than the action.