Appropriate Punishment for Lying?

[Anonymous]

I just caught my 10 yr old DS lying to me. Not a major infraction in terms of what he was lying about (he played Wii during the school week, which he's not allowed to do), but what concerns me is that he

a) flat out lied to my face about it
b) didn't seem remotely concerned or remorseful about being caught in a lie
c) was only concerned about what or if he'd get punished for playing Wii (didn't seem to "get" that I was more concerned about the lying)

Does anyone have any suggestions about what might be an appropriate course of action? Usually when he has done something relatively minor like play Wii when he isn't supposed to, or watch TV, etc, he just gets grounded from that for a bit. So it's not as if he's afraid of us flipping out on him if he's caught. Obviously nobody wants to be caught doing anything, but he's not exactly living in fear...and normally he gets punished much less for coming clean than being caught. But I'm concerned that this is establishing a pattern, and I'm hoping to find some way to make it clear to him that this behaviour is unacceptable--something that will not just create a "better liar".

Help!

[Anonymous]

Not sure about the punishment but maybe you can stress that it's often the covering up afterward that is more of the problem than the actual act.

[Anonymous]

Approach 1: If the punishment for playing Wii during the week would be 1 week with no Wii, I'd take it away for 2 or 3x that. And explain that telling the truth would have had a consequence, but lying about it has an even worse consequence. And that you now find it harder to trust him, which is a major loss.

Approach 2: Explain that he has damaged the trust between you and it needs to be rebuilt. Ask him what he thinks he might do to restore your trust in him. Think about the things you did trust him on (phone calls, playing at the park with friends, doing his homework in a timely fashion, whatever), and take away some of those privileges until he shows that he can be trusted, at which time he gets the Wii back.

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing this is your oldest child. You are entering the age where this is the go to response. Even for the most minor of infractions (not opinining as to seriousness of this infraction because it really depends on the household and I don't live in yours) lying is the response. It drives every parent crazy trying to figure out how to deal with it.

Here is how I dealt/deal with it. Everytime one of my kids tells me a lie, I force them to look me in the face and admit to the truth. Then I lecture them on lying and tell them that if I catch them lying again, there will be a serious consequence (I have my go to consequences for each kid and I am specific about what I will do). And I remind them that if they lie and I can't trust them, their life will suck because they won't be able to do whatever it is that the particular kid longs to do. I let them know that I am disapponted that they would choose to be so disrespectful as to lie to me and that one thing I never do is disrespect them. Then, I give the usual consequence for the behavior.

Here's the challenge. Kids don't generalize until they are older than your child. So when your son lies to you again about homework, he won't get the relationship between the Wii lying and the homework lying. So you will have to give the same lecture. And then again in another week when your son lies about who he was hanging out with, he won't get the relationship between the Wiii lying, the homework lying and the most recent issue. It's like when you tell your two year old not to touch the remote to the TV. You have to say the same thing 200 tiimes before they get it.

And, don't be surprised if your son has a different reaction to lying with your spouse than with you. I am definitely the parent who is the disciplinarian, but also the cuddler and the parent who is involved in everything that goes on in school (academics and social) and knows all of the friends. My kids cave far easier with me than with my spouse when it comes to admitting the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing this is your oldest child. You are entering the age where this is the go to response. Even for the most minor of infractions (not opinining as to seriousness of this infraction because it really depends on the household and I don't live in yours) lying is the response. It drives every parent crazy trying to figure out how to deal with it.

Here is how I dealt/deal with it. Everytime one of my kids tells me a lie, I force them to look me in the face and admit to the truth. Then I lecture them on lying and tell them that if I catch them lying again, there will be a serious consequence (I have my go to consequences for each kid and I am specific about what I will do). And I remind them that if they lie and I can't trust them, their life will suck because they won't be able to do whatever it is that the particular kid longs to do. I let them know that I am disapponted that they would choose to be so disrespectful as to lie to me and that one thing I never do is disrespect them. Then, I give the usual consequence for the behavior.

Here's the challenge. Kids don't generalize until they are older than your child. So when your son lies to you again about homework, he won't get the relationship between the Wii lying and the homework lying. So you will have to give the same lecture. And then again in another week when your son lies about who he was hanging out with, he won't get the relationship between the Wiii lying, the homework lying and the most recent issue. It's like when you tell your two year old not to touch the remote to the TV. You have to say the same thing 200 tiimes before they get it.

And, don't be surprised if your son has a different reaction to lying with your spouse than with you. I am definitely the parent who is the disciplinarian, but also the cuddler and the parent who is involved in everything that goes on in school (academics and social) and knows all of the friends. My kids cave far easier with me than with my spouse when it comes to admitting the truth.

You guessed correctly, he is my oldest. And I feel like I've lectured about this to the point that I'm beginning to wonder if my straight A student really is smart, after all. It sounds like I just need to keep on doing the same thing I've been doing, much like with a 2 yr old. So in some ways, perhaps I've been giving him too much credit for maturity in areas. Sometimes those pre-teens just sound so mature. Right before I tuck him in with his stuffed cheetah, I guess.

The infraction was pretty minor--he knew better, it was really the sneaking (I was at work, he called and asked when I'd be home--premeditated!!) and subsequent lying that was an issue for me.

Thanks for your input, it helps put things into perspective.

[Anonymous]

I think it also helps DC understand if you explain why the rule exists.

[Anonymous]

I make DS stand on a stool while I walk around him in a circle, screaming:
"All liars shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone"
(Rev 21:8 the King James Version)

It may not stop the lying, but it makes me feel better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make DS stand on a stool while I walk around him in a circle, screaming:
"All liars shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone"
(Rev 21:8 the King James Version)

It may not stop the lying, but it makes me feel better.

It not a lying infraction but would this chant work for this behavior? "all slackers that could have worked harder for better grades shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone"

[Anonymous]

Not sure where the last two posters are coming from, but I'm definitely in the camp with those who take this stuff seriously. Our kids are in college, high school and middle school, and we've been through this many times -- fortunately with less frequency as the kids have gotten older, but, yeah, kids do lie to their parents (as we did to our parents). Even knowing that it happens, however, you have to take it seriously. I agree with the poster who said punishment should be more severe for lying than for the underlying (no pun intended) offense. As kids got older, we also used the approach the PP suggested that the consequence for lying was to have us hold back our trust in other areas -- so, for example, if you lie about playing Wii after school, we can't trust you when you say you're going to a friend's house -- you'll need to call us from the friend's home to verify that you are where you said you'd be. Along with punishment, though, there needs to be some discussion (try not to lecture) about how every relationship depends on trust. We have asked our kids to consider what life would be like if they couldn't trust us, their teachers, coaches, and other people in their lives. In the long run, that may have made the biggest impact on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure where the last two posters are coming from, but I'm definitely in the camp with those who take this stuff seriously. Our kids are in college, high school and middle school, and we've been through this many times -- fortunately with less frequency as the kids have gotten older, but, yeah, kids do lie to their parents (as we did to our parents). Even knowing that it happens, however, you have to take it seriously. I agree with the poster who said punishment should be more severe for lying than for the underlying (no pun intended) offense. As kids got older, we also used the approach the PP suggested that the consequence for lying was to have us hold back our trust in other areas -- so, for example, if you lie about playing Wii after school, we can't trust you when you say you're going to a friend's house -- you'll need to call us from the friend's home to verify that you are where you said you'd be. Along with punishment, though, there needs to be some discussion (try not to lecture) about how every relationship depends on trust. We have asked our kids to consider what life would be like if they couldn't trust us, their teachers, coaches, and other people in their lives. In the long run, that may have made the biggest impact on them.

Agree that this should be a key component of your response. I think you need to make explicit how/why lying undermines relationships.

[Anonymous]

What 11:12 said, and also that lying makes things much, much worse. Always! It's a terrible choice. It's bad for all involved, the erosion of trust, the harsher consequence.

Here's a book on teens lying. I think it applies to tweens, too.

http://www.parentcentral.ca/parent/newsfeatures/article/765845--your-teenagers-will-lie-to-you

[Anonymous]

I have a ten year old girl and she sometimes lies for no reason. Like I asked her if she had a shower last night (I was away past bedtime, and her dad was with her.) First she tells me no she didn't, then she says i'm just kidding I did, I smell her hair and raise my eyebrows and tell her I don't know what to believe. It turns out that she told the truth the first time and did not shower the night before. (just to clarify, we do showers every other night as a compromise as she is currently in a I hate to bathe stage, and the fight every night was just too much on my nerves.) Any way we go through this back and forth "I have no idea what the truth is" routine several times a week on varying subjects and I have absolutely no idea what to do about it.

[Anonymous]

Come up with a clear set of consequences. A loss of a privilege for a week or two weekends in a row, whatever fits. I've dealt with this, too. DS is 14.

[Anonymous]

Tell him the problem with lying. Then make him come up with a punishment for himself. But say if he doesn't come up with something reasonable for the offense, you will give him a super harsh punishment.

[Anonymous]

Lol