Reconciling uninvolved grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to ask a stupid question but have you ever said to your mother, in those words, that you don’t feel like a priority and you need her help in this season of life with shouldering the travel burden?

If you have, and this is what has come of it, I’m so so sorry. If you haven’t maybe try that first. I think people make assumptions (which make their lives easier) like “oh Larla is too BUSY for us to visit or Larla LOVES the road trip every year” but if confronted directly will make a change.

This is OP again. Not a stupid question - yes, I have on more than one occasio. There is a pretty predictable pattern... she will quickly say that I am trying to make her feel bad or that I am getting on her case. I will then cry, and she will yell at me for being "emotional" and then I will get really upset and get off the phone as quickly as possible. The next time we talk, she will act as if it didn't happen. Real healthy stuff.

This happened a few months ago right after Easter. This was the first year we did not spend spring break visiting them because we had to work.

Have you tried asking why they don't visit more often and if there are reasons. There are probably reasons particularly if they go see your brother. Ask why in a non-defensive way and listen to the answers.

Saying you don't feel like a priority and you need her help is not how I would start any conversation. Just me though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to accept that this is the level of interaction they want. Keep in mind that for a lot of old people, they don't ENJOY traveling - old people get set in their ways, their routines, their schedules. Their hearing and sight is going so being in their own home is easier - they know where everything is, etc. So traveling has to be worth it for them to give all that up.

When my grandfather lived with us, he had a REALLY hard time with eating dinner at 7 or 7:30 at night - he was used to 5:30 and could push to 6. He felt our house was always way too cold for him. He didn't ever want to go upstairs - I think it hurt but he had too much pride to say so. Being old is hard work.

Nobody enjoys traveling. Of course it's interesting to see new places, but everybody is happy to come back to their own bed. Now if traveling means sitting on your parents couch and talking about weather -- nobody enjoys that.

OP, just cut down on traveling to them. Instead of driving to your parents for 6 hours, take your kids to a national park or to see something else they haven't seen. Interacting with selfish grandparents is overrated, and grandparents who sit at home and wait for everyone else to do the legwork is just that, selfish. For example, they could rent a cabin and invite you to somewhere interesting? Go to a beach? Often we realize it too late. I was putting in all the effort and in the end when my kid was 13 and got his own phone, guess what, not even one phone call. Even to call your own grandchild was too much effort, coming to see -- never! That was a wake-up call for me. It's not my job to develop a grandparent-grandchild relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to ask a stupid question but have you ever said to your mother, in those words, that you don’t feel like a priority and you need her help in this season of life with shouldering the travel burden?

If you have, and this is what has come of it, I’m so so sorry. If you haven’t maybe try that first. I think people make assumptions (which make their lives easier) like “oh Larla is too BUSY for us to visit or Larla LOVES the road trip every year” but if confronted directly will make a change.

This is OP again. Not a stupid question - yes, I have on more than one occasio. There is a pretty predictable pattern... she will quickly say that I am trying to make her feel bad or that I am getting on her case. I will then cry, and she will yell at me for being "emotional" and then I will get really upset and get off the phone as quickly as possible. The next time we talk, she will act as if it didn't happen. Real healthy stuff.

This happened a few months ago right after Easter. This was the first year we did not spend spring break visiting them because we had to work.

I’m sorry. This is selfish manipulation.

Op here - thank you, I appreciate that! I know it is intellectually but somehow still want it to be different. Feels pretty pathetic that I am still bothered by this as a 40 year old adult.

DP. It's not pathetic but it's worth trying to figure out why you're so bothered and to move past it. People get very fixated on some ideal version of a grandparent/ parent they wish they had. You don't have that. I'm sure you have lots of other nice things in your life. Focus on those things and foster relationships in your community and in your life that are more positive and mutually respectful and add value to your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They do some other travel. Drives to see my brother (about 5 hours), a driving trip to Maine (even further from where they live), flight to Florida to see my mom's sister.

DH's parents are both deceased and he has no siblings or cousins, so we don't have family on his side.

That’s one sad existence for your spouse. No parents, siblings or even cousins???

Wow. What a weird and cruel response. My spouse was an only child to immigrant parents who both died before she finished high school. Yes, it's a tragedy, but it's not a "sad existence."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to ask a stupid question but have you ever said to your mother, in those words, that you don’t feel like a priority and you need her help in this season of life with shouldering the travel burden?

If you have, and this is what has come of it, I’m so so sorry. If you haven’t maybe try that first. I think people make assumptions (which make their lives easier) like “oh Larla is too BUSY for us to visit or Larla LOVES the road trip every year” but if confronted directly will make a change.

This is OP again. Not a stupid question - yes, I have on more than one occasio. There is a pretty predictable pattern... she will quickly say that I am trying to make her feel bad or that I am getting on her case. I will then cry, and she will yell at me for being "emotional" and then I will get really upset and get off the phone as quickly as possible. The next time we talk, she will act as if it didn't happen. Real healthy stuff.

This happened a few months ago right after Easter. This was the first year we did not spend spring break visiting them because we had to work.

My mother used to play the "I was only joking, you're too sensitive" card anytime she made insulting comments. I went no contact for a while, and since she does, actually, want to see me and the kids, she dialed it way down. I cannot trust her, though, because any time she's under stress, her natural meanness can come right back.

OP, I just wouldn't put myself out for these people. I am in contact principally because of my father, who is not a bad sort, but completely under my mother's thumb. You could visit just once a year and be done with it. Or even less. Take a leaf out of their book and just do what's convenient for YOU.

This sounds exactly like my parents as well (mom trying to dial it down but meanness coming back and father completely under my mother's thumb). They live about 2.5 hours drive and also don't visit. Ever. I've settled on going to them 4x/year (spring (for Easter or father's birthday), Thanksgiving, Christmas, and once in the summer at their beach house). We only go for a day because as my kids have grown they have sports and activities that I don't want them to miss for their uninvolved grandparents. Still hurts but I've mostly made peace with it, because, like OP, my kids don't have anyone on the other side, so my parents, such as they are, are their only grandparents.

[Anonymous]

All you can do is tell them you and your kids would love for them to come visit you. Give them some dates around big events like a birthday or first communion. If they say no you just have to accept it. Sadly, not all grandparents want to be involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They do some other travel. Drives to see my brother (about 5 hours), a driving trip to Maine (even further from where they live), flight to Florida to see my mom's sister.

DH's parents are both deceased and he has no siblings or cousins, so we don't have family on his side.

They do three big trips a year. That’s a lot for an elderly couple. If they added one for you, they’d need to add one for your sister. That’s five big trips, plus they’re hosting multiple times a year. Their calendar seems pretty full as it is.

Local grandparents always get more involved in the day-to-day. You could move to be closer to them, but you don’t want to. They could move to be closer to you, but they don’t want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They do some other travel. Drives to see my brother (about 5 hours), a driving trip to Maine (even further from where they live), flight to Florida to see my mom's sister.

DH's parents are both deceased and he has no siblings or cousins, so we don't have family on his side.

That’s one sad existence for your spouse. No parents, siblings or even cousins???

Wow. What a weird and cruel response. My spouse was an only child to immigrant parents who both died before she finished high school. Yes, it's a tragedy, but it's not a "sad existence."

It's both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There must be something. Maybe it's bathroom related, something they find embarrassing to talk about. Sleep problems. Something.

Op, do not blow it up into them not wanting to be in your lives. Assuming the best, I guess, means, assume this is about their age and what they are actually capable of. Not what you think they are capable of.

At some point elders stop traveling. This is just coming much sooner than you ever expected. But it happens to everyone, eventually. Make peace with that.

This is it. Been through it with our family. You just have to accept that they CAN’T, not that that they won’t. Don’t take it personally, don’t engage in confrontations, just invite & let them decide.
I had one grandparent growing up, & they died when I was a teen. Accept that it is what it is, keep inviting them, & enjoy any time you have together.

[Anonymous]

Since the parents go on other trips and visit the brother, I think their reluctance to visit the OP is odd. Can your brother offer some insight?

[Anonymous]

My parents live further away (12 hour drive instead of 6, they live somewhat far from an airport) but I see them maybe 2-3 times a year. Last time I saw them was Christmas. They video chat my kids for a long period once of twice a week. My husband's parents are unfortunately both deceased.

I think letting go of the stuff like performances and games is appropriate here. It's a long way to go for a short thing and then with multiple kids it adds up to a ton of travel quite fast.

What you might try is planning a joint trip instead to get some longer stretches. I've done that a few times with them (and my in laws before they died).

[Anonymous]

Your parents are deadbeat grandparents.
Its happens.

[Anonymous]

It sucks, OP. DH’s parents are 3 hours away. It makes my mama bear instincts crazy that they basically reject my 3 kids. Mine are late high school and college now and it still hurts my feelings. It’s tough to get over. But I’ve come to realize they didn’t enjoy being parents so I guess it’s predictable they don’t want to be involved grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since the parents go on other trips and visit the brother, I think their reluctance to visit the OP is odd. Can your brother offer some insight?

Ha. Not OP, but I can probably explain that one. Bro probably doesn’t care. If they didn’t visit, he wouldn’t. They would really be no contact, not out of malice, but out of inconvenience.

You can do that OP. Parents probably would drive to see you once a year. The drive for them would be onerous.

[Anonymous]

We are sort of in the same boat. Our in laws (husband’s parents) live in the Midwest and have only visited us once when each of our kids were born. We don’t have enough money to go out there once a year - we want to travel as a family and we take one family vacation year. The in laws moved into a small house and we can’t stay there. Renting a car, a hotel and having to get a flight for 4 is too expensive for us. So basically our in laws won’t travel to us and haven’t seen their own son or grandkids in years. I finally convinced my husband to visit his in laws with the kids by himself about two summers ago. The kids were 11 and 14 at that point. They are now 13 and 16. I am angry and have no desire to go visit them. I don’t understand why they never came out here.