Reconciling uninvolved grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Op again. Yes, it is really sad for my DH re: his family. His parents were divorced. He techincally has some cousins on his dad's side but they are estranged.

Yes, my brother has kids. He does not come to my parents so they go there if they want to see them.

[Anonymous]

I am puzzled how a person who you describe as you did below is a person you want to make a big effort to be around.

"Any attempt to have a direct conversation about this goes horribly - my mom will start yelling at me and call me dramatic, even if I try to be super even keeled in bringing it up."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. Yes, it is really sad for my DH re: his family. His parents were divorced. He techincally has some cousins on his dad's side but they are estranged.

Yes, my brother has kids. He does not come to my parents so they go there if they want to see them.

Stop making the trip to see them I guess?

Lots more variables to think about. Do they stay with you? What is your house like? Are your kids or your household overwhelming in some way? What's your dog like? Some people don't like dogs. If they don't stay with you, can they easily afford a hotel?

You say you've tried to talk to your mom. Have you said, what could we do to make it as comfortable as possible for you to visit us more often?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to ask a stupid question but have you ever said to your mother, in those words, that you don’t feel like a priority and you need her help in this season of life with shouldering the travel burden?

If you have, and this is what has come of it, I’m so so sorry. If you haven’t maybe try that first. I think people make assumptions (which make their lives easier) like “oh Larla is too BUSY for us to visit or Larla LOVES the road trip every year” but if confronted directly will make a change.

This is OP again. Not a stupid question - yes, I have on more than one occasio. There is a pretty predictable pattern... she will quickly say that I am trying to make her feel bad or that I am getting on her case. I will then cry, and she will yell at me for being "emotional" and then I will get really upset and get off the phone as quickly as possible. The next time we talk, she will act as if it didn't happen. Real healthy stuff.

This happened a few months ago right after Easter. This was the first year we did not spend spring break visiting them because we had to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am puzzled how a person who you describe as you did below is a person you want to make a big effort to be around.

"Any attempt to have a direct conversation about this goes horribly - my mom will start yelling at me and call me dramatic, even if I try to be super even keeled in bringing it up."

Different PP - all kids want their parents to love them? I think it takes a lot of strength and confidence to write off a parent. Sounds like OP is struggling with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. Yes, it is really sad for my DH re: his family. His parents were divorced. He techincally has some cousins on his dad's side but they are estranged.

Yes, my brother has kids. He does not come to my parents so they go there if they want to see them.

Welll looks like you have your answer then. They will not visit until you stop visiting.

[Anonymous]

You need to accept it for what it is, come to terms with the fact its not going to change.
My DD now 13 is the only Grandchild. FIL/MIL live 15 mins away. FIL comes to a lot, MIL wont come to anything before noon or that happens when she is at work ( works from home) then will proudly tell us that she got paid out for vacation time because she didnt use it, like its a badge of honor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to ask a stupid question but have you ever said to your mother, in those words, that you don’t feel like a priority and you need her help in this season of life with shouldering the travel burden?

If you have, and this is what has come of it, I’m so so sorry. If you haven’t maybe try that first. I think people make assumptions (which make their lives easier) like “oh Larla is too BUSY for us to visit or Larla LOVES the road trip every year” but if confronted directly will make a change.

This is OP again. Not a stupid question - yes, I have on more than one occasio. There is a pretty predictable pattern... she will quickly say that I am trying to make her feel bad or that I am getting on her case. I will then cry, and she will yell at me for being "emotional" and then I will get really upset and get off the phone as quickly as possible. The next time we talk, she will act as if it didn't happen. Real healthy stuff.

This happened a few months ago right after Easter. This was the first year we did not spend spring break visiting them because we had to work.

I’m sorry. This is selfish manipulation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to ask a stupid question but have you ever said to your mother, in those words, that you don’t feel like a priority and you need her help in this season of life with shouldering the travel burden?

If you have, and this is what has come of it, I’m so so sorry. If you haven’t maybe try that first. I think people make assumptions (which make their lives easier) like “oh Larla is too BUSY for us to visit or Larla LOVES the road trip every year” but if confronted directly will make a change.

This is OP again. Not a stupid question - yes, I have on more than one occasio. There is a pretty predictable pattern... she will quickly say that I am trying to make her feel bad or that I am getting on her case. I will then cry, and she will yell at me for being "emotional" and then I will get really upset and get off the phone as quickly as possible. The next time we talk, she will act as if it didn't happen. Real healthy stuff.

This happened a few months ago right after Easter. This was the first year we did not spend spring break visiting them because we had to work.

I’m sorry. This is selfish manipulation.

Op here - thank you, I appreciate that! I know it is intellectually but somehow still want it to be different. Feels pretty pathetic that I am still bothered by this as a 40 year old adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again. Yes, it is really sad for my DH re: his family. His parents were divorced. He techincally has some cousins on his dad's side but they are estranged.

Yes, my brother has kids. He does not come to my parents so they go there if they want to see them.

Stop making the trip to see them I guess?

Lots more variables to think about. Do they stay with you? What is your house like? Are your kids or your household overwhelming in some way? What's your dog like? Some people don't like dogs. If they don't stay with you, can they easily afford a hotel?

You say you've tried to talk to your mom. Have you said, what could we do to make it as comfortable as possible for you to visit us more often?

Yep. Special needs kids, big dog, stressed out mom, this doesn't sound like it would be a fun visit for people who probably prefer their quiet peaceful home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are like this.

I do not visit them often any more. Once a year. It's still about 5x as often as they visit me. They once went 7 years without visiting me at all (I visited at least twice a year during that time). I have no guilt and I am very rejecting when someone tries to put it on me.

I was also neglected as a child. Like real neglect, I would be forgotten about, my parents wouldn't take me to doctors or dental visits when they were supposed to, they'd forget to prepare meals for me if the family was busy with something else, I would sometimes come home from school to find everyone gone and the door locked and I didn't have a key, and just have to sit on the porch until they got home. My whole life they have been like this.

I am in therapy.

This isn’t your thread.

You can rot in hell.

[Anonymous]

So, in the other thread where the grandparents weren't invited to the birthday party because they lived 4 hours away that was a justification for some to explain the diss. But here we have grandparents who are 6 hours away and the OP expects them to want to come to recitals and sports games. I should presume most people will say that's ridiculous and they live way too far for that to ever happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to ask a stupid question but have you ever said to your mother, in those words, that you don’t feel like a priority and you need her help in this season of life with shouldering the travel burden?

If you have, and this is what has come of it, I’m so so sorry. If you haven’t maybe try that first. I think people make assumptions (which make their lives easier) like “oh Larla is too BUSY for us to visit or Larla LOVES the road trip every year” but if confronted directly will make a change.

This is OP again. Not a stupid question - yes, I have on more than one occasio. There is a pretty predictable pattern... she will quickly say that I am trying to make her feel bad or that I am getting on her case. I will then cry, and she will yell at me for being "emotional" and then I will get really upset and get off the phone as quickly as possible. The next time we talk, she will act as if it didn't happen. Real healthy stuff.

This happened a few months ago right after Easter. This was the first year we did not spend spring break visiting them because we had to work.

My mother used to play the "I was only joking, you're too sensitive" card anytime she made insulting comments. I went no contact for a while, and since she does, actually, want to see me and the kids, she dialed it way down. I cannot trust her, though, because any time she's under stress, her natural meanness can come right back.

OP, I just wouldn't put myself out for these people. I am in contact principally because of my father, who is not a bad sort, but completely under my mother's thumb. You could visit just once a year and be done with it. Or even less. Take a leaf out of their book and just do what's convenient for YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not to ask a stupid question but have you ever said to your mother, in those words, that you don’t feel like a priority and you need her help in this season of life with shouldering the travel burden?

If you have, and this is what has come of it, I’m so so sorry. If you haven’t maybe try that first. I think people make assumptions (which make their lives easier) like “oh Larla is too BUSY for us to visit or Larla LOVES the road trip every year” but if confronted directly will make a change.

This is OP again. Not a stupid question - yes, I have on more than one occasio. There is a pretty predictable pattern... she will quickly say that I am trying to make her feel bad or that I am getting on her case. I will then cry, and she will yell at me for being "emotional" and then I will get really upset and get off the phone as quickly as possible. The next time we talk, she will act as if it didn't happen. Real healthy stuff.

This happened a few months ago right after Easter. This was the first year we did not spend spring break visiting them because we had to work.

My mother used to play the "I was only joking, you're too sensitive" card anytime she made insulting comments. I went no contact for a while, and since she does, actually, want to see me and the kids, she dialed it way down. I cannot trust her, though, because any time she's under stress, her natural meanness can come right back.

OP, I just wouldn't put myself out for these people. I am in contact principally because of my father, who is not a bad sort, but completely under my mother's thumb. You could visit just once a year and be done with it. Or even less. Take a leaf out of their book and just do what's convenient for YOU.

^^^^ Here's the answer right here! Do we have the same mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are like this.

I do not visit them often any more. Once a year. It's still about 5x as often as they visit me. They once went 7 years without visiting me at all (I visited at least twice a year during that time). I have no guilt and I am very rejecting when someone tries to put it on me.

I was also neglected as a child. Like real neglect, I would be forgotten about, my parents wouldn't take me to doctors or dental visits when they were supposed to, they'd forget to prepare meals for me if the family was busy with something else, I would sometimes come home from school to find everyone gone and the door locked and I didn't have a key, and just have to sit on the porch until they got home. My whole life they have been like this.

I am in therapy.

This isn’t your thread.

You can rot in hell.

Just sayin’