Reconciling uninvolved grandparents.

[Anonymous]

My parents live about 6 hours away by car. It's a quick flight. We see them a few times a year, and it is always my family (2 kids, 8 and 6, big dog, DH) driving to them. I would say we have a good relationship in that when we are all together it is very nice, and they love my kids, but I am sad that they don't seem interested in making an effort to come see us or be more of a part of our lives. This has been the case since my oldest was born, so it is not new, but as we head into the last weeks of school with recitals, etc., I again struggling with the situation.

We last saw them for a big family Thanksgiving so it has been over six months. I am in a very busy and stressful season of life with my job and some other things, including managing special needs/diagnosis for one of my kids so we have not made it their way since. I have asked them to come visit a few times and they always come up with a reason that they can't or kind of put me off. Example, I mention to my dad "That's not up to me, ask your mother." I ask my mom, "I have to talk to your dad." They are both in good health, are retired, and could easily afford a flight. They are eager for us to come their way this summer, which we will in August, so I doubt they will make it here before then. Any attempt to have a direct conversation about this goes horribly - my mom will start yelling at me and call me dramatic, even if I try to be super even keeled in bringing it up.

I know it could be worse and we are lucky to have a surface-level pleasant relationship, but it makes me so sad to think that they don't want more of a role in our lives. My oldest has recently said to me that she is sad they don't come to her sports events or recitals. I think this feeling is exacerbated by the fact that we have a few close friends with super-involved, local grandparents who obviously take great joy in participating in the day-to-day. I don't expect them to provide childcare or anything (though that would be amazing! we are kind of drowing with two jobs and RTO!), but it would be great to have them come for a weekend here or there. It feels lonely, I guess.

Anyone else deal with this? How do you get over it?

[Anonymous]

Be glad you won't be on the hook for hyper-attentive eldercare? Just a few check-ins now and then and coordinating care with aides from afar...

Because that's what I getting from this family set-up. You reap what you sow.

[Anonymous]

Do they do any other travel? If not, I would assume that the travel is the issue.

[Anonymous]

Most DCUM posters do nothing but complain about their parents so you’re in the minority.

[Anonymous]

It just takes time to get over it.
What about your in laws?
I have a somewhat different situation where my parents were too far away and too weird to build a relationship with their grandkids, I am still sad but what can you do. I am sure you’ll be a much better grandparent when the time comes. And don’t go all out with eldercare for your parents when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

OP here. They do some other travel. Drives to see my brother (about 5 hours), a driving trip to Maine (even further from where they live), flight to Florida to see my mom's sister.

DH's parents are both deceased and he has no siblings or cousins, so we don't have family on his side.

[Anonymous]

My parents are like this.

I do not visit them often any more. Once a year. It's still about 5x as often as they visit me. They once went 7 years without visiting me at all (I visited at least twice a year during that time). I have no guilt and I am very rejecting when someone tries to put it on me.

I was also neglected as a child. Like real neglect, I would be forgotten about, my parents wouldn't take me to doctors or dental visits when they were supposed to, they'd forget to prepare meals for me if the family was busy with something else, I would sometimes come home from school to find everyone gone and the door locked and I didn't have a key, and just have to sit on the porch until they got home. My whole life they have been like this.

I am in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They do some other travel. Drives to see my brother (about 5 hours), a driving trip to Maine (even further from where they live), flight to Florida to see my mom's sister.

DH's parents are both deceased and he has no siblings or cousins, so we don't have family on his side.

That’s one sad existence for your spouse. No parents, siblings or even cousins???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are like this.

I do not visit them often any more. Once a year. It's still about 5x as often as they visit me. They once went 7 years without visiting me at all (I visited at least twice a year during that time). I have no guilt and I am very rejecting when someone tries to put it on me.

I was also neglected as a child. Like real neglect, I would be forgotten about, my parents wouldn't take me to doctors or dental visits when they were supposed to, they'd forget to prepare meals for me if the family was busy with something else, I would sometimes come home from school to find everyone gone and the door locked and I didn't have a key, and just have to sit on the porch until they got home. My whole life they have been like this.

I am in therapy.

This isn’t your thread.

[Anonymous]

My FIL is leaving for a several week trip the day before my son comes home for college. There's absolutely no reason why he can't wait one more day, but he's going to do what he wants to do.

I've come to terms with his lack of interest, but it still breaks my heart for my kids who will never know a loving grandparent relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They do some other travel. Drives to see my brother (about 5 hours), a driving trip to Maine (even further from where they live), flight to Florida to see my mom's sister.

DH's parents are both deceased and he has no siblings or cousins, so we don't have family on his side.

Does your brother have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are like this.

I do not visit them often any more. Once a year. It's still about 5x as often as they visit me. They once went 7 years without visiting me at all (I visited at least twice a year during that time). I have no guilt and I am very rejecting when someone tries to put it on me.

I was also neglected as a child. Like real neglect, I would be forgotten about, my parents wouldn't take me to doctors or dental visits when they were supposed to, they'd forget to prepare meals for me if the family was busy with something else, I would sometimes come home from school to find everyone gone and the door locked and I didn't have a key, and just have to sit on the porch until they got home. My whole life they have been like this.

I am in therapy.

This isn’t your thread.

The post was completely responsive to the OP, who asked if anyone experienced this and how they handled it.

[Anonymous]

You need to accept that this is the level of interaction they want. Keep in mind that for a lot of old people, they don't ENJOY traveling - old people get set in their ways, their routines, their schedules. Their hearing and sight is going so being in their own home is easier - they know where everything is, etc. So traveling has to be worth it for them to give all that up.

When my grandfather lived with us, he had a REALLY hard time with eating dinner at 7 or 7:30 at night - he was used to 5:30 and could push to 6. He felt our house was always way too cold for him. He didn't ever want to go upstairs - I think it hurt but he had too much pride to say so. Being old is hard work.

[Anonymous]

Not to ask a stupid question but have you ever said to your mother, in those words, that you don’t feel like a priority and you need her help in this season of life with shouldering the travel burden?

If you have, and this is what has come of it, I’m so so sorry. If you haven’t maybe try that first. I think people make assumptions (which make their lives easier) like “oh Larla is too BUSY for us to visit or Larla LOVES the road trip every year” but if confronted directly will make a change.

[Anonymous]

There must be something. Maybe it's bathroom related, something they find embarrassing to talk about. Sleep problems. Something.

Op, do not blow it up into them not wanting to be in your lives. Assuming the best, I guess, means, assume this is about their age and what they are actually capable of. Not what you think they are capable of.

At some point elders stop traveling. This is just coming much sooner than you ever expected. But it happens to everyone, eventually. Make peace with that.