Give me your perspective. What is it like on the other side?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I notice in group settings that I am the invisible person at the table or in the group.

A recent example was a baby shower that I attended this afternoon, there was a group
Ice breaker with seven people around the table sharing responses to questions prompted by a small handout card. Everyone went round robin style and kept going person to person but I was overlooked and the group continued to the next question. No mention of did we get everyone until after this short activity - the person to my right turned to me to say oh you didn’t get to go, did you want to? To which I responded yes but right then the host moved to the next activity.

This happens relatively frequently. I haven’t found the key to being included and when I do speak up, I notice people tend to brush off whatever response I have or just moving along while giving more time to other respondents. Unfortunately it leaves me with the impression that no one wants to hear what I have to say but I do want to be included. I’m not sure what social clue I am missing or is this just how different personalities interact.

What is it like on the other side when you are in the setting or moment? Do you not notice if everyone has responded?

Are you mute? Why didn't you say. "Hey, can I play?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please stand up for yourself. I have a strong presence and try to stand up for more taciturn people.

Then those people, for whom I stuck out my neck, are dazed and passive and have nothing to add when the moderator calls on them. They are just vacant.

It’s bad all around. I have never observed what you described so I’m really puzzled. Also, no one owes you air time. Practice phrases like “I want to jump in,” “excuse me,” and “I need to step in.” That takes practice. And confidence.

I agree and relate to this so much. All of it. Including being puzzled + using my presence to highlight others.

Have presence. Have confidence. Speak clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was somewhere recently standing alone in a tranquil place outdoors when a group of eight Millennials (four couples) in their 30s to early 40s showed up. Fine, I don't own the space it's for everyone, all are welcome. But what was weird is how they crowded in on both sides of me in that open space. They were literally standing all around me, with me in the middle. They were talking to each other the whole time, immersed in conversation about their favorite streaming shows, talking literally over my head
(I 'm 5'1) on both sides of me like I wasn't there and didn't exist. It wouldn't have mattered if they had been ten feet to the side and hadn't crowded around within a foot of me. It was like being in a huge room with 50 empty tables and I'm sitting at one and this group of total strangers walks in and sits right down at my table and doesn't acknowledge that I'm there. That's how it felt. This went on for maybe 10 minutes until I left. I kept waiting for them to walk on, but they just kept standing there. I'm Gen X. It isn't my first odd communication experience with that age group. I really do think there's something basic missing in the operating system of many people in the 32 to 44 age range. They lack something, and it's more than just a lack of manners. It's a lack of heart and soul. It's as if growing up on social media stole a part of their humanity and they don't see people who are right in front of them. It's super odd.

This has happened to me and I am 5’1”. It’s always a group of white people (I’m POC) so I assume it is cultural and it’s because I am short.

[Anonymous]

If I see that happening to someone I absolutely try to interject to make sure they are included but I think most people are so focused on themselves they don’t really notice. It’s not that they don’t like you or are actively ignoring you, they just don’t care about other people’s opinions etc. It’s weird that that happened at a small party but I think the best you can do is speak up when you want to say something, focus on making connections with a couple people versus the room, and come to peace with this peace with this being more about others lack of care vs something wrong with you.

[Anonymous]

Well, I am tall and white. And I 100% identify with OP. I frequently feel invisible and ignored in group settings. I assume part of this is not having enough confidence or assertiveness. But I don't think that's all of it. I've known others who lack confidence and yet somehow don't seem to be treated as invisible.

What really doesn't help with this is now being the only GenXer on a team of Millennials and Gen Z at work. Most of the team have become friends, which is fine--they have far more in common. But recently one of them had a milestone birthday and threw a big bash. I was not invited, which was fine. I didn't expect to be, but I have now had to sit through 3 team meetings where people have discussed the party. Seems everyone was invited except me. I found this incredibly rude. I assume most of the team doesn't know I wasn't invited, but I can't believe the host didn't have the awareness to change the subject. Talk about feeling left out.

[Anonymous]

Your name wouldn’t happen to be Dooneese would it, and you have tiny hands?

[Anonymous]

I think I am aware of when people are left out, but I’m sure I have had a lot of oblivious moments. I really hate it when people are skipped like in your situation, so I would have spoken up. If someone is quiet in a group, I try to make eye contact and ask a question, or if the topic is not germane to them, I try to change the topic to be inclusive.

For example, I was talking to a few moms with kids who play a sport that my kid used to play. Another mom joined whose kid has never played the sport. The other moms got into the weeds on the topic and I waited for a break and changed it a topic we all had in common.

I will also say that almost everyone has had the experience of being left out in a group, and I’ve noticed that some people mentally check out and do not attempt to engage, while others will ask a question. If I’m the mom in the group that is left out, I’ll attempt to engage and even if the topic is out of my realm, I’m a curious person, so I’ll try to learn something from the conversation and ask questions. It might seem like others are excluding you, but you also have to consider the perspective of the other - they might perceive that you are retreating and seem disinterested.

[Anonymous]

I have the opposite problem—I am usually noticed, whether for good or bad, even though I prefer anonymity much of the time. Am guessing because I am very direct and it’s hard for me to tone it down after being suppressed most of my life. I used to prefer one on one and have a quiet voice, afraid to speak. Perhaps you have a mild personality right now. Do you have something you are passionate about? That can bring you out of the fear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please stand up for yourself. I have a strong presence and try to stand up for more taciturn people.

Then those people, for whom I stuck out my neck, are dazed and passive and have nothing to add when the moderator calls on them. They are just vacant.

It’s bad all around. I have never observed what you described so I’m really puzzled. Also, no one owes you air time. Practice phrases like “I want to jump in,” “excuse me,” and “I need to step in.” That takes practice. And confidence.

+1
From the other side. I'm a Christy. Everyone is always using my name as the example "what Christy said" but you know what? I do it a ton too. "What Barry said". I know people on here hate people like me but I get stuff done. I am complimented for how I "think on my feet". I talk fast, I interrupt, but I will also circle back around (quick mind) and apologize for cutting you off but then I get to the point and draw out the information the group needs from you. The slow thinkers and talkers aren't necessarily more deep and thought out. Us quick thinkers and talkers are also very quick at processing and have already come to conclusions and we're waiting for you to catch up.

Sometimes it's not worth our time.

Well, we found the holier than thou @ssholes, who can’t listen with their inflated self-worth and therefore aren’t all that because they miss the nuance, the complexity, the real inventiveness.

+1

Can’t stand people like PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I am aware of when people are left out, but I’m sure I have had a lot of oblivious moments. I really hate it when people are skipped like in your situation, so I would have spoken up. If someone is quiet in a group, I try to make eye contact and ask a question, or if the topic is not germane to them, I try to change the topic to be inclusive.

For example, I was talking to a few moms with kids who play a sport that my kid used to play. Another mom joined whose kid has never played the sport. The other moms got into the weeds on the topic and I waited for a break and changed it a topic we all had in common.

I will also say that almost everyone has had the experience of being left out in a group, and I’ve noticed that some people mentally check out and do not attempt to engage, while others will ask a question. If I’m the mom in the group that is left out, I’ll attempt to engage and even if the topic is out of my realm, I’m a curious person, so I’ll try to learn something from the conversation and ask questions. It might seem like others are excluding you, but you also have to consider the perspective of the other - they might perceive that you are retreating and seem disinterested.

I am not typically overlooked and I am pretty conscious of these dynamics so try to call out when people may be left out. I think it happens the person seems so anxious or shy no one wants to them on the spot. It also helps to talk to people before the group - connect individually and let people hear you do proactively talk not just repspomd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As I've grown older, I've noticed people tend to ignore or disrespect people pleasers. I have witnessed the interactions you describe.

As I’ve gotten older, as a people pleaser, I have observed this in my own life as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please stand up for yourself. I have a strong presence and try to stand up for more taciturn people.

Then those people, for whom I stuck out my neck, are dazed and passive and have nothing to add when the moderator calls on them. They are just vacant.

It’s bad all around. I have never observed what you described so I’m really puzzled. Also, no one owes you air time. Practice phrases like “I want to jump in,” “excuse me,” and “I need to step in.” That takes practice. And confidence.

+1
From the other side. I'm a Christy. Everyone is always using my name as the example "what Christy said" but you know what? I do it a ton too. "What Barry said". I know people on here hate people like me but I get stuff done. I am complimented for how I "think on my feet". I talk fast, I interrupt, but I will also circle back around (quick mind) and apologize for cutting you off but then I get to the point and draw out the information the group needs from you. The slow thinkers and talkers aren't necessarily more deep and thought out. Us quick thinkers and talkers are also very quick at processing and have already come to conclusions and we're waiting for you to catch up.

Sometimes it's not worth our time.

Well, we found the holier than thou @ssholes, who can’t listen with their inflated self-worth and therefore aren’t all that because they miss the nuance, the complexity, the real inventiveness.

+1

Can’t stand people like PP

😂😂😂 OP did ask what it's like on the other side. It's literally in the title!