Give me your perspective. What is it like on the other side?

[Anonymous]

I notice in group settings that I am the invisible person at the table or in the group.

A recent example was a baby shower that I attended this afternoon, there was a group
Ice breaker with seven people around the table sharing responses to questions prompted by a small handout card. Everyone went round robin style and kept going person to person but I was overlooked and the group continued to the next question. No mention of did we get everyone until after this short activity - the person to my right turned to me to say oh you didn’t get to go, did you want to? To which I responded yes but right then the host moved to the next activity.

This happens relatively frequently. I haven’t found the key to being included and when I do speak up, I notice people tend to brush off whatever response I have or just moving along while giving more time to other respondents. Unfortunately it leaves me with the impression that no one wants to hear what I have to say but I do want to be included. I’m not sure what social clue I am missing or is this just how different personalities interact.

What is it like on the other side when you are in the setting or moment? Do you not notice if everyone has responded?

[Anonymous]

Are you slow to respond? Process things slower than others? I wonder if people skip over you because they think you don’t want to participate. Also if you seem withdrawn they may assume you’re unhappy about the conversation.

Make eye contact, nod, smile, affirm, jump in and share your thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Yes I notice when things or people or skipped. I often speak up unless I think I will offend either person.

I don’t think anything particular unless it’s a pattern.

I would initially think it’s the host being careless.

[Anonymous]

You lack confidence. I would say “oh, I have a great one!” And then share my answer. You wait to be called on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you slow to respond? Process things slower than others? I wonder if people skip over you because they think you don’t want to participate. Also if you seem withdrawn they may assume you’re unhappy about the conversation.

Make eye contact, nod, smile, affirm, jump in and share your thoughts.

Op here. I’m definitely not the first one to pop in unless I sense that the rest of the table may be more introverted than I am. I am someone who does acknowledge what others are saying with agreement - smiles, eye contact, head shakes, saying oh, yes that is interesting or whatever affirmation that they’ve been heard so they don’t leave feeling left out. Somehow I then still end up left out even after affirming the statements of others.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I've felt the same way. Something very similar happened at an event recently. I was about to take my turn speaking when we went around the circle but I was just skipped. Like my mouth was open to begin and the next person just started talking.

I've also said things in groups and gotten no response. I've wondered if I've spoken too softly.

I do well one-on-one or with a couple other people. I also speak a lot for work so I'm good in front of dozens of people. But a group of 5-10 people I'm basically invisible.

I don't know what it's like on the other side. I can only think of one person around whom I've kinda had to skip what they say because they mumble very quietly and are often hard to understand. Sometimes it's easier to just sort of nod along rather than saying "what?" "Pardon me?" "Can you repeat yourself?" over and over. I don't think that's the case with me, but I don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You lack confidence. I would say “oh, I have a great one!” And then share my answer. You wait to be called on.

Op here. This is when I get crickets and it ruins my confidence that what I have said isn’t interesting to the group. So I then think that I close up and become more reserved. I notice that there’s typically a lot of chatter for others and awkwardly not as much for me and I can’t tell how to take it. I don’t went to bore people but also don’t want to be counted out if that makes sense.

In work settings, I’m also never one of the people who gets the added agreement or acknowledgement in the meetings - the “as Christy said” or “to add to what Christy said”. I’m not sure how to make my statements resonate more or stand out more to others. More relatable maybe to get that agreement?

The older I get the more I notice I am more of the “invisible” person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I've felt the same way. Something very similar happened at an event recently. I was about to take my turn speaking when we went around the circle but I was just skipped. Like my mouth was open to begin and the next person just started talking.

I've also said things in groups and gotten no response. I've wondered if I've spoken too softly.

I do well one-on-one or with a couple other people. I also speak a lot for work so I'm good in front of dozens of people. But a group of 5-10 people I'm basically invisible.

I don't know what it's like on the other side. I can only think of one person around whom I've kinda had to skip what they say because they mumble very quietly and are often hard to understand. Sometimes it's easier to just sort of nod along rather than saying "what?" "Pardon me?" "Can you repeat yourself?" over and over. I don't think that's the case with me, but I don't know.

Op here. I feel so similar to what you’ve shared PP! Even down to the group size situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I've felt the same way. Something very similar happened at an event recently. I was about to take my turn speaking when we went around the circle but I was just skipped. Like my mouth was open to begin and the next person just started talking.

I've also said things in groups and gotten no response. I've wondered if I've spoken too softly.

I do well one-on-one or with a couple other people. I also speak a lot for work so I'm good in front of dozens of people. But a group of 5-10 people I'm basically invisible.

I don't know what it's like on the other side. I can only think of one person around whom I've kinda had to skip what they say because they mumble very quietly and are often hard to understand. Sometimes it's easier to just sort of nod along rather than saying "what?" "Pardon me?" "Can you repeat yourself?" over and over. I don't think that's the case with me, but I don't know.

Op here. I feel so similar to what you’ve shared PP! Even down to the group size situation.

At least we're not alone!

Are you short? I'm just over 5' so standing around at at a bar, forget it. All the conversations are literally over my head.

I've also had the experience many times where I finally get to know someone better, say a friend of a friend who I've spent a lot of time with in groups but never alone. And they'll act surprised, like "wow, you're actually really funny. How come we've never talked before?"

[Anonymous]

It's something you can change if it matters to you.

I don't rarely get neglected but I get involved by myself. Why hesitate? I'm as good as others.

I do make sure that everyone present is feeling included and if someone is being overlooked, I ask them to join and others to include them.

This is just about basic manners of socialization to be kind and inclusive not rude and dismissive.

[Anonymous]

I get ignored once I hit 50

[Anonymous]

NP here. Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with my voice. I can't tell you how many times in life that I have directly asked someone a question in a group setting and it's like they don't even hear me. Also, when everyone is talking in a group, it seems like whatever I want to say to add to the conversation gets completely ignored. I cannot figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with my voice. I can't tell you how many times in life that I have directly asked someone a question in a group setting and it's like they don't even hear me. Also, when everyone is talking in a group, it seems like whatever I want to say to add to the conversation gets completely ignored. I cannot figure it out.

Yes!
I've wished I could bring someone along who can observe me and tell me what's wrong because I think I'm speaking close to the same volume as everyone else.

[Anonymous]

I’m usually on the invisible side. On the rare occasion that I’m not, I’m hyper aware and make sure everyone in the circle is included.

[Anonymous]

Please stand up for yourself. I have a strong presence and try to stand up for more taciturn people.

Then those people, for whom I stuck out my neck, are dazed and passive and have nothing to add when the moderator calls on them. They are just vacant.

It’s bad all around. I have never observed what you described so I’m really puzzled. Also, no one owes you air time. Practice phrases like “I want to jump in,” “excuse me,” and “I need to step in.” That takes practice. And confidence.