Dealing with friendships when girls don’t like another girl

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh. Your attitude is such a different approach than my mom would’ve had. My mother taught me to be kind and inclusive. She discouraged me from being in clicks that looked down on friendships outside the click or didn’t welcome people in. If they won’t be friends with her just because she wants to be friends with Ellen, they’re not good friends and she’s better off without them. You should be encouraging your child to be inclusive and kind and to have different groups of friends. It’s not good to rely on one exclusive little group.

Click?

Do you mean clique?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am surprised by the reactions to my post as I think what’s happening with DD and her friends is pretty normal at this age. Kids choose who to hang out with based on who they get along with. One or more of A B & C don’t get along with Ellen, and that’s why they don’t want to hang out with her. Not everyone clicks with everyone else. It’s not like these girls are singling Ellen out.

You didn't make that clear in your original post. That said, your daughter has the right to be friends with whoever she wants to be friends with. A/B/C can't control that. Let your daughter hang out with Ellen and her friends whenever she wants. She doesn't have to spend time with all of them together. It's good to have multiple friend groups. I always did and they were all fine with it, they just didn't want to hang out together, so I never overlapped them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am surprised by the reactions to my post as I think what’s happening with DD and her friends is pretty normal at this age. Kids choose who to hang out with based on who they get along with. One or more of A B & C don’t get along with Ellen, and that’s why they don’t want to hang out with her. Not everyone clicks with everyone else. It’s not like these girls are singling Ellen out.

This issue is then with A B & C not getting along with Ellen and that has NOTHING to do with your DD. DD should be able to play with any kid she wants to play with and not feel guilted into excluding anyone.

[Anonymous]

She can see Ellen and not make it an in-your face situation with the other friends

Mostly though, I think she will navigate this. It will play-out based on what's important to her. I don't think she needs coaching. That will feel unnatural and you do not have a crystal ball about how this plays out

Your daughter will learn about herself, what she wants, what she values. All good things.

[Anonymous]

Cliques are fine, and it's also fine to have a friend (or many friends) who aren't part of your primary friend group. You should let your DD spend her time with whom she pleases and let her navigate the dynamics of her social circles herself.

[Anonymous]

Does the ABC group not like Ellen because she is a mean girl or because of other reasons?Before writing off ABC as bad friends it's important to understand why they don't want her around. Maybe Ellen has been rude to them. Or maybe Ellen is wonderful and ABC are just immature brats. Who knows. But figure it out before making snap judgments.

I notice that parents who are social strivers get way too excited and involved their child suddenly becomes friends with a "popular" or rich kid. And then they withdraw their support of their child's pre-existing friendships with less popular or rich kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is in 5th grade and is in a group with 3 friends, Ann, Bess and Carol (all made-up names, obvs). She has become friendly with another girl, Ellen, and I think they could become good friends… but for DD’s girl group.

When DD hangs out with Ellen or Ellen’s group of friends, A B and C get upset with DD. But neither do A B and C want Ellen hanging out with them; they have said they do not want her in their group. DD says she wants a play date with Ellen, and I’ve scheduled this with Ellen’s mom. But I’m worried that her budding friendship with Ellen can have no happy ending because she’s going to lose a friendship(s) one way or another. Either she gets close to Ellen and loses her friendship with A B and C, or vice versa.

This is such a pervasive girl issue at this age. For those of you with daughters who have been through this, what has been your advice to them?

A, B and C are not people to be concerned about losing. They showed who they are. The last thing you want is for your DD to take on their characteristics. You know what's right. Teach your child accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh. Your attitude is such a different approach than my mom would’ve had. My mother taught me to be kind and inclusive. She discouraged me from being in clicks that looked down on friendships outside the click or didn’t welcome people in. If they won’t be friends with her just because she wants to be friends with Ellen, they’re not good friends and she’s better off without them. You should be encouraging your child to be inclusive and kind and to have different groups of friends. It’s not good to rely on one exclusive little group.

I’ve heard of cliques, but not clicks (at least in terms of friendship groups). Please explain.

Look everyone! a genius is amongst us.

A genius for knowing how to spell a sixth grade spelling word? 🙄

DP

It was sarcasm and calling out spelling mistakes is annoying.

[Anonymous]

This is not your problem, OP. Let DD work it out. Geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am surprised by the reactions to my post as I think what’s happening with DD and her friends is pretty normal at this age. Kids choose who to hang out with based on who they get along with. One or more of A B & C don’t get along with Ellen, and that’s why they don’t want to hang out with her. Not everyone clicks with everyone else. It’s not like these girls are singling Ellen out.

You didn't make that clear in your original post. That said, your daughter has the right to be friends with whoever she wants to be friends with. A/B/C can't control that. Let your daughter hang out with Ellen and her friends whenever she wants. She doesn't have to spend time with all of them together. It's good to have multiple friend groups. I always did and they were all fine with it, they just didn't want to hang out together, so I never overlapped them.

This is the right answer in theory, but in execution it can get tricky. Spending more and more time with E can lead to your DD organically drifting apart from A/B/C (even if A/B/C are lovely not exclusive kind of girls), If E is sort of a prickly type that lots of others are finding it hard to get along with, your DD could find herself isolated with just E. Your DD just needs to be careful to truly spend the equal time, etc. with the multiple friend groups to maintain them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is in 5th grade and is in a group with 3 friends, Ann, Bess and Carol (all made-up names, obvs). She has become friendly with another girl, Ellen, and I think they could become good friends… but for DD’s girl group.

When DD hangs out with Ellen or Ellen’s group of friends, A B and C get upset with DD. But neither do A B and C want Ellen hanging out with them; they have said they do not want her in their group. DD says she wants a play date with Ellen, and I’ve scheduled this with Ellen’s mom. But I’m worried that her budding friendship with Ellen can have no happy ending because she’s going to lose a friendship(s) one way or another. Either she gets close to Ellen and loses her friendship with A B and C, or vice versa.

This is such a pervasive girl issue at this age. For those of you with daughters who have been through this, what has been your advice to them?

A, B and C are not people to be concerned about losing. They showed who they are. The last thing you want is for your DD to take on their characteristics. You know what's right. Teach your child accordingly.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am surprised by the reactions to my post as I think what’s happening with DD and her friends is pretty normal at this age. Kids choose who to hang out with based on who they get along with. One or more of A B & C don’t get along with Ellen, and that’s why they don’t want to hang out with her. Not everyone clicks with everyone else. It’s not like these girls are singling Ellen out.

You didn't make that clear in your original post. That said, your daughter has the right to be friends with whoever she wants to be friends with. A/B/C can't control that. Let your daughter hang out with Ellen and her friends whenever she wants. She doesn't have to spend time with all of them together. It's good to have multiple friend groups. I always did and they were all fine with it, they just didn't want to hang out together, so I never overlapped them.

This is the right answer in theory, but in execution it can get tricky. Spending more and more time with E can lead to your DD organically drifting apart from A/B/C (even if A/B/C are lovely not exclusive kind of girls), If E is sort of a prickly type that lots of others are finding it hard to get along with, your DD could find herself isolated with just E. Your DD just needs to be careful to truly spend the equal time, etc. with the multiple friend groups to maintain them.

There's a thousand variations that we don't know. None of the history between any of them has been shared. Unless D has simultaneously been controlling or bad to E then we all know what is right and what is wrong.

The bottom line is that anybody who has a problem with someone being friends with someone else is a bad egg. It's definitional Mean Girl behavior and if ABC do this to E then they will also do it to D.

E, as far as we know, is not demanding that D not talk with ABC. ABC on the other hand is demanding that in regards to E. That simple dichotomy reveals all.

Multiple friend groups is good. Talking with a variety of people is good. Standing up for a friend when a different friend craps on them is an important life lesson to learn.

[Anonymous]

It's ok for ABC to not want to be friends with Ellen.

It's NOT ok for ABC to be socially aggressive with Ellen. (Example: no name calling, no pretending they can't hear Ellen speak, no creating a club that includes every girl in the class except Ellen.)

It's NOT ok for ABC to tell your DD she can't be friends with Ellen.



Teach DD it is a big red flag if someone wants to control her friend choices. Girls especially really need to understand that anyone trying to control that stuff is bad news.

You can also teach DD how to take turns with different friends--I liked the wording of the PP who said, "I'm playing X with Ellen, you all can play too" and also picking days to specifically spend time with ABC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She can see Ellen and not make it an in-your face situation with the other friends

Mostly though, I think she will navigate this. It will play-out based on what's important to her. I don't think she needs coaching. That will feel unnatural and you do not have a crystal ball about how this plays out

Your daughter will learn about herself, what she wants, what she values. All good things.

+1 for the most part. My 5th grade DD is constantly going through this stuff (her class has something like 16 girls and 10 boys, ugh). So. Much. Drama. There's always some girl who committed some perceived offense and there are always girls who will form whatever alliance they can and ice her out. And then there is always a contingent that stays out of it, stays neutral, and/or tries to console the exile of the day (or hour). All of the girls involved in these antics seem to rotate among the various roles.

I can't even begin to keep track of what happened on any given day, so I just tell my DD this:
One- Do not engage! Just stay out of it! (This is apparently unrealistic.)
Two- Always choose kindness, but don't be afraid to stand up for yourself or for someone else who's being unfairly targeted/harassed/bullied. Don't be mean; be fair and firm.
Three- When someone shows you who they are, believe them -- pay attention to actions, not words. Be mindful of those you know you can't trust.

She doesn't always listen and she still gets caught up in the drama sometimes, but it's gotten better. I've only gotten involved when there was truly egregious bullying behavior, and that was last year with some boys in her class. Outside of that, though, I listen and I give her guidance and most of all I try to empower her and instill resilience. I can't fight all her battles for her. She has to learn the social skills to navigate school...and life.