Dealing with friendships when girls don’t like another girl

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh. Your attitude is such a different approach than my mom would’ve had. My mother taught me to be kind and inclusive. She discouraged me from being in clicks that looked down on friendships outside the click or didn’t welcome people in. If they won’t be friends with her just because she wants to be friends with Ellen, they’re not good friends and she’s better off without them. You should be encouraging your child to be inclusive and kind and to have different groups of friends. It’s not good to rely on one exclusive little group.

I’ve heard of cliques, but not clicks (at least in terms of friendship groups). Please explain.

Let me guess, you were A,B, or C growing up? What a needlessly useless post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good to not put all your eggs in one friendship basket because girls will turn on you.

This. It drives me nuts when mom will try to turn girl into these tight little BFF knots. It's not healthy and it's part of what leads to the friendship dramas. Just let the kids' friendships be fluid. When there's a falling out, encourage your kid not to take it to seriously and be open to reuniting again in the future. Try to keep it light and discourage intensity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh. Your attitude is such a different approach than my mom would’ve had. My mother taught me to be kind and inclusive. She discouraged me from being in clicks that looked down on friendships outside the click or didn’t welcome people in. If they won’t be friends with her just because she wants to be friends with Ellen, they’re not good friends and she’s better off without them. You should be encouraging your child to be inclusive and kind and to have different groups of friends. It’s not good to rely on one exclusive little group.

A problem though is the if the other girls really don't like Ellen, and the DD includes Ellen whenever she gets together with the group because her mom said she had to, the other girls will likely just start hanging out without DD at all.

And I know you'll say "good, they weren't good friends anyway if they wouldn't be inclusive." But, uh, do you choose your own friends or no? If someone told you that you HAD to be friends with someone who rubbed you the wrong way, would you do it? What if your best friend started bringing around someone who drove you nuts every time you hung out? Would you keep doing it? My guess is no.

I would make sure DD knows that no amount of gossip or meanness is okay -- no talking about Ellen with the other girls or excluding Ellen on purpose or whatever. But it's perfectly okay to just recognize that the other girls and Ellen dont' get along, and just hang out with them each separately. As long as there isn't gossip or meanness, there's no reason for this to be a problem. Lots of people have multiple friend groups. I have some friends who, when they are around each other, really get on each other's nerves. No problem, I just don't do things with them together. Occasionally they will both be at an event I host and they are mature enough to be cool at those events. But it's very occasional, maybe once or twice a year.

I think the PP's point was that if ABC don't want to be friends with DD because DD is hanging out with Ellen at OTHER TIMES- like, having play dates or sleepovers or occasionally hanging out with her at recess instead of ABC- then that's toxic, controlling behavior from ABC and good riddance. But I also agree with others that in 6 weeks, the school year is over, middle school is starting next year, and this will all come out in the wash anyways.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I am surprised by the reactions to my post as I think what’s happening with DD and her friends is pretty normal at this age. Kids choose who to hang out with based on who they get along with. One or more of A B & C don’t get along with Ellen, and that’s why they don’t want to hang out with her. Not everyone clicks with everyone else. It’s not like these girls are singling Ellen out.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I forgot to mention that DD’s school is a combo elementary/middle school, so the girls will be together next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh. Your attitude is such a different approach than my mom would’ve had. My mother taught me to be kind and inclusive. She discouraged me from being in clicks that looked down on friendships outside the click or didn’t welcome people in. If they won’t be friends with her just because she wants to be friends with Ellen, they’re not good friends and she’s better off without them. You should be encouraging your child to be inclusive and kind and to have different groups of friends. It’s not good to rely on one exclusive little group.

A problem though is the if the other girls really don't like Ellen, and the DD includes Ellen whenever she gets together with the group because her mom said she had to, the other girls will likely just start hanging out without DD at all.

And I know you'll say "good, they weren't good friends anyway if they wouldn't be inclusive." But, uh, do you choose your own friends or no? If someone told you that you HAD to be friends with someone who rubbed you the wrong way, would you do it? What if your best friend started bringing around someone who drove you nuts every time you hung out? Would you keep doing it? My guess is no.

I would make sure DD knows that no amount of gossip or meanness is okay -- no talking about Ellen with the other girls or excluding Ellen on purpose or whatever. But it's perfectly okay to just recognize that the other girls and Ellen dont' get along, and just hang out with them each separately. As long as there isn't gossip or meanness, there's no reason for this to be a problem. Lots of people have multiple friend groups. I have some friends who, when they are around each other, really get on each other's nerves. No problem, I just don't do things with them together. Occasionally they will both be at an event I host and they are mature enough to be cool at those events. But it's very occasional, maybe once or twice a year.

I think the PP's point was that if ABC don't want to be friends with DD because DD is hanging out with Ellen at OTHER TIMES- like, having play dates or sleepovers or occasionally hanging out with her at recess instead of ABC- then that's toxic, controlling behavior from ABC and good riddance. But I also agree with others that in 6 weeks, the school year is over, middle school is starting next year, and this will all come out in the wash anyways.

Ah, I misread the OP and thought she was just saying that ABC didn't want to hang out with Ellen, not that they were upset with DD because *she* sometimes hangs out with Ellen.

I agree with your whole take. I've always told DD to be careful with friends who want to dictate your choices. But yeah, MS is going to upend all of this so all that matters right now is supporting DD in her choices and not worrying too much about what ABC think or do about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh. Your attitude is such a different approach than my mom would’ve had. My mother taught me to be kind and inclusive. She discouraged me from being in clicks that looked down on friendships outside the click or didn’t welcome people in. If they won’t be friends with her just because she wants to be friends with Ellen, they’re not good friends and she’s better off without them. You should be encouraging your child to be inclusive and kind and to have different groups of friends. It’s not good to rely on one exclusive little group.

A problem though is the if the other girls really don't like Ellen, and the DD includes Ellen whenever she gets together with the group because her mom said she had to, the other girls will likely just start hanging out without DD at all.

And I know you'll say "good, they weren't good friends anyway if they wouldn't be inclusive." But, uh, do you choose your own friends or no? If someone told you that you HAD to be friends with someone who rubbed you the wrong way, would you do it? What if your best friend started bringing around someone who drove you nuts every time you hung out? Would you keep doing it? My guess is no.

I would make sure DD knows that no amount of gossip or meanness is okay -- no talking about Ellen with the other girls or excluding Ellen on purpose or whatever. But it's perfectly okay to just recognize that the other girls and Ellen dont' get along, and just hang out with them each separately. As long as there isn't gossip or meanness, there's no reason for this to be a problem. Lots of people have multiple friend groups. I have some friends who, when they are around each other, really get on each other's nerves. No problem, I just don't do things with them together. Occasionally they will both be at an event I host and they are mature enough to be cool at those events. But it's very occasional, maybe once or twice a year.

I think the PP's point was that if ABC don't want to be friends with DD because DD is hanging out with Ellen at OTHER TIMES- like, having play dates or sleepovers or occasionally hanging out with her at recess instead of ABC- then that's toxic, controlling behavior from ABC and good riddance. But I also agree with others that in 6 weeks, the school year is over, middle school is starting next year, and this will all come out in the wash anyways.

This is OP. I think ABC cares about DD hanging out with Ellen during recess because that means DD is not hanging out with them. What they do outside of school e.g., play dates is not a big deal, IMO. We’ve made some plans for DD and Ellen to hang out over the summer. But their school goes through 8th grade, so the girls will all be together next year, too.

[Anonymous]

I would tell my dd never to let friends dictate who she can have as other friends. That's mean girl behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh. Your attitude is such a different approach than my mom would’ve had. My mother taught me to be kind and inclusive. She discouraged me from being in clicks that looked down on friendships outside the click or didn’t welcome people in. If they won’t be friends with her just because she wants to be friends with Ellen, they’re not good friends and she’s better off without them. You should be encouraging your child to be inclusive and kind and to have different groups of friends. It’s not good to rely on one exclusive little group.

A problem though is the if the other girls really don't like Ellen, and the DD includes Ellen whenever she gets together with the group because her mom said she had to, the other girls will likely just start hanging out without DD at all.

And I know you'll say "good, they weren't good friends anyway if they wouldn't be inclusive." But, uh, do you choose your own friends or no? If someone told you that you HAD to be friends with someone who rubbed you the wrong way, would you do it? What if your best friend started bringing around someone who drove you nuts every time you hung out? Would you keep doing it? My guess is no.

I would make sure DD knows that no amount of gossip or meanness is okay -- no talking about Ellen with the other girls or excluding Ellen on purpose or whatever. But it's perfectly okay to just recognize that the other girls and Ellen dont' get along, and just hang out with them each separately. As long as there isn't gossip or meanness, there's no reason for this to be a problem. Lots of people have multiple friend groups. I have some friends who, when they are around each other, really get on each other's nerves. No problem, I just don't do things with them together. Occasionally they will both be at an event I host and they are mature enough to be cool at those events. But it's very occasional, maybe once or twice a year.

I think the PP's point was that if ABC don't want to be friends with DD because DD is hanging out with Ellen at OTHER TIMES- like, having play dates or sleepovers or occasionally hanging out with her at recess instead of ABC- then that's toxic, controlling behavior from ABC and good riddance. But I also agree with others that in 6 weeks, the school year is over, middle school is starting next year, and this will all come out in the wash anyways.

This is OP. I think ABC cares about DD hanging out with Ellen during recess because that means DD is not hanging out with them. What they do outside of school e.g., play dates is not a big deal, IMO. We’ve made some plans for DD and Ellen to hang out over the summer. But their school goes through 8th grade, so the girls will all be together next year, too.

She can say “well I’m playing this game with Ellen right now at recess. You guys can play too. (Shrug). Otherwise I promise I’ll play your game tomorrow.” I mean in elementary, I remember playing specific games with specific kids and taking turns with who I was playing with. It actually had very little to do with who I was closest friends with and more to do with what game everyone felt like playing. And I think that’s perfectly healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh. Your attitude is such a different approach than my mom would’ve had. My mother taught me to be kind and inclusive. She discouraged me from being in clicks that looked down on friendships outside the click or didn’t welcome people in. If they won’t be friends with her just because she wants to be friends with Ellen, they’re not good friends and she’s better off without them. You should be encouraging your child to be inclusive and kind and to have different groups of friends. It’s not good to rely on one exclusive little group.

Also, I had to eat with this several times in elementary school. Friends ABC saying "we won't play with you if you play with X." I stuck with X, but explained that I also wanted to play with them, and that they should join me and X. It worked. But I was very well liked in elementary school so I sort of had the...social leverage, I guess?? to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:None of this will matter in about 6 weeks. They will all head to MS next year and the friendships will all change. Your kid should hang with Ellen and see her other friends separately this summer. And then get ready for everything to be completely different by October.

+100

[Anonymous]

This is normal forngirl.friendships. Wait for middle school it gets worse. Most especially once boys and other relationships get involved too.

Stay out of it. Just tell yoi kid not to be mean. Your kid can also stay neutral. She can hang with different friends at different times. Usuallly the kid no one likes will start acting that way towards your kid and your kid will often draw the same conclusion. What I have tried to do with my teens is if the group excludes girl (usually because she is mean) plan something seperately with the excluded girl and maybe another 3rd party friend.

The important thing is don't post or talk about what the excluded friend is missing out via text. I teach its rude to talk about things people weren't invited to in front of them.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t put any thought into this. The “groups” and friends will have a fair amount of change over and rigidity between now and the coming years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t put any thought into this. The “groups” and friends will have a fair amount of change over and rigidity between now and the coming years

*less rigidity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh. Your attitude is such a different approach than my mom would’ve had. My mother taught me to be kind and inclusive. She discouraged me from being in clicks that looked down on friendships outside the click or didn’t welcome people in. If they won’t be friends with her just because she wants to be friends with Ellen, they’re not good friends and she’s better off without them. You should be encouraging your child to be inclusive and kind and to have different groups of friends. It’s not good to rely on one exclusive little group.

I’ve heard of cliques, but not clicks (at least in terms of friendship groups). Please explain.

Look everyone! a genius is amongst us.

A genius for knowing how to spell a sixth grade spelling word? 🙄

DP