Dealing with friendships when girls don’t like another girl

[Anonymous]

DD is in 5th grade and is in a group with 3 friends, Ann, Bess and Carol (all made-up names, obvs). She has become friendly with another girl, Ellen, and I think they could become good friends… but for DD’s girl group.

When DD hangs out with Ellen or Ellen’s group of friends, A B and C get upset with DD. But neither do A B and C want Ellen hanging out with them; they have said they do not want her in their group. DD says she wants a play date with Ellen, and I’ve scheduled this with Ellen’s mom. But I’m worried that her budding friendship with Ellen can have no happy ending because she’s going to lose a friendship(s) one way or another. Either she gets close to Ellen and loses her friendship with A B and C, or vice versa.

This is such a pervasive girl issue at this age. For those of you with daughters who have been through this, what has been your advice to them?

[Anonymous]

Will they all be together for 6th grade? If so, big or small school? That probably makes a difference in whether the group would likely shift around naturally.

[Anonymous]

Gosh. Your attitude is such a different approach than my mom would’ve had. My mother taught me to be kind and inclusive. She discouraged me from being in clicks that looked down on friendships outside the click or didn’t welcome people in. If they won’t be friends with her just because she wants to be friends with Ellen, they’re not good friends and she’s better off without them. You should be encouraging your child to be inclusive and kind and to have different groups of friends. It’s not good to rely on one exclusive little group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh. Your attitude is such a different approach than my mom would’ve had. My mother taught me to be kind and inclusive. She discouraged me from being in clicks that looked down on friendships outside the click or didn’t welcome people in. If they won’t be friends with her just because she wants to be friends with Ellen, they’re not good friends and she’s better off without them. You should be encouraging your child to be inclusive and kind and to have different groups of friends. It’s not good to rely on one exclusive little group.

+1

I would tell my daughter to do the right thing, period. If the other girl group ends up ostracizing her, then they were not good friends to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Went through something similar in 4th grade. I didn't particularly want my DD to be friends with people who would act like A, B, and C. It's controlling and mean. DD, thankfully, wasn't thrilled with their behavior either. Yes, she lost those friendships but she made other friends. Unsurprisingly, A, B, and C were pretty stereotypical mean girl middle schoolers. DD herself got spared but not some of her friends. I was very glad she was no longer friends with them at that point, because I know from my own experience, how easy it is to be swept up in that mean girl culture when your friends are like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh. Your attitude is such a different approach than my mom would’ve had. My mother taught me to be kind and inclusive. She discouraged me from being in clicks that looked down on friendships outside the click or didn’t welcome people in. If they won’t be friends with her just because she wants to be friends with Ellen, they’re not good friends and she’s better off without them. You should be encouraging your child to be inclusive and kind and to have different groups of friends. It’s not good to rely on one exclusive little group.

I’ve heard of cliques, but not clicks (at least in terms of friendship groups). Please explain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh. Your attitude is such a different approach than my mom would’ve had. My mother taught me to be kind and inclusive. She discouraged me from being in clicks that looked down on friendships outside the click or didn’t welcome people in. If they won’t be friends with her just because she wants to be friends with Ellen, they’re not good friends and she’s better off without them. You should be encouraging your child to be inclusive and kind and to have different groups of friends. It’s not good to rely on one exclusive little group.

I’ve heard of cliques, but not clicks (at least in terms of friendship groups). Please explain.

Look everyone! a genius is amongst us.

[Anonymous]

None of this will matter in about 6 weeks. They will all head to MS next year and the friendships will all change. Your kid should hang with Ellen and see her other friends separately this summer. And then get ready for everything to be completely different by October.

[Anonymous]

My kid has two friend groups that don’t mix. It’s great! She hangs out with the one having the least amount of drama that week.

She has worked out a custody schedule of playing with one group for the first half or recess and the other the second half. It’s not how I would have solved the problem, but it’s working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh. Your attitude is such a different approach than my mom would’ve had. My mother taught me to be kind and inclusive. She discouraged me from being in clicks that looked down on friendships outside the click or didn’t welcome people in. If they won’t be friends with her just because she wants to be friends with Ellen, they’re not good friends and she’s better off without them. You should be encouraging your child to be inclusive and kind and to have different groups of friends. It’s not good to rely on one exclusive little group.

+1

I would tell my daughter to do the right thing, period. If the other girl group ends up ostracizing her, then they were not good friends to begin with.

+2 NP

[Anonymous]

She can have two groups of friends. Her old friends, and Ellen and Ellen's friends.

[Anonymous]

I would tell my daughter to be kind. It is never ok to be the mean girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh. Your attitude is such a different approach than my mom would’ve had. My mother taught me to be kind and inclusive. She discouraged me from being in clicks that looked down on friendships outside the click or didn’t welcome people in. If they won’t be friends with her just because she wants to be friends with Ellen, they’re not good friends and she’s better off without them. You should be encouraging your child to be inclusive and kind and to have different groups of friends. It’s not good to rely on one exclusive little group.

A problem though is the if the other girls really don't like Ellen, and the DD includes Ellen whenever she gets together with the group because her mom said she had to, the other girls will likely just start hanging out without DD at all.

And I know you'll say "good, they weren't good friends anyway if they wouldn't be inclusive." But, uh, do you choose your own friends or no? If someone told you that you HAD to be friends with someone who rubbed you the wrong way, would you do it? What if your best friend started bringing around someone who drove you nuts every time you hung out? Would you keep doing it? My guess is no.

I would make sure DD knows that no amount of gossip or meanness is okay -- no talking about Ellen with the other girls or excluding Ellen on purpose or whatever. But it's perfectly okay to just recognize that the other girls and Ellen dont' get along, and just hang out with them each separately. As long as there isn't gossip or meanness, there's no reason for this to be a problem. Lots of people have multiple friend groups. I have some friends who, when they are around each other, really get on each other's nerves. No problem, I just don't do things with them together. Occasionally they will both be at an event I host and they are mature enough to be cool at those events. But it's very occasional, maybe once or twice a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid has two friend groups that don’t mix. It’s great! She hangs out with the one having the least amount of drama that week.

She has worked out a custody schedule of playing with one group for the first half or recess and the other the second half. It’s not how I would have solved the problem, but it’s working.

I love this!

[Anonymous]

Good to not put all your eggs in one friendship basket because girls will turn on you.