Should my kid room with his good friend?

[Anonymous]

Christ no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ds - a smart kid with a 3.6 GPA, 1550 SAT, and strong ECs - was accepted ED to his first choice school. Not HYP, but a T20 private university, and he is thrilled. One of his best friends was deferred by his top choice (HYP) early and ended up with 3-4 very solid choices from RD (most T20). He is 'that kid' - almost perfect GPA, high rigor, 1600 SAT, excellent ECs, and just a charming kid, if you know what I mean. I imagine his LORs were amazing - he's always chosen to represent our HS on panels, etc.

His top choice right now is the same school my ds is going to, and it's caused a weird tension in their relationship, where he jokes around that he should have 'coasted through HS too.' My son is not 'that kid' - he's amazing (to me!) and is a very smart and interesting kid, who has achieved at very high levels in certain areas - but he doesn't kill himself over grades and his LORs were probably more along the lines of 'smart kid, keeps to himself.' He got almost all Bs freshman year, and had a scatter of Bs throughout the rest of HS, took the SAT once without prep. So basically, he did not work nearly as hard at academics and did not do nearly as well.

But college admissions are crazy - folks on this board would say my kid should not have gotten into the school he did (honestly he was surprised), and I am amazed his friend does not have his pick of T10 schools, and that his early didn't snap him up.

The friend is asking ds to room with him - they are VERY good friends, but ds doesn't want to. While it would be easier for him, because he is not nearly as outgoing as his friend, he feels like it would be good for him to go with a random roommate, but isn't sure how much of that is based on the tension between them now. He asked my advice. What would you say? It would really make freshman year easier for him to room together, but it would probably be good for him to put himself out there and meet new people.

I told ds this could all be moot and his friend could get off the waitlist for Yale or Brown in May - which I think should happen! But I am just sitting here wondering what to advise - roommate requests can go in now. Sorry for the long post - single mom, so I don't have another adult to talk this out with right now.

NO, NO, NO!!!

College is a time to meet new people. if you room with someone from home, you are less likely to do that (and very likely to end up NOT friends with that person after living in a confined dorm room for 9 months). Meet new peo0ple, and then the friend from home will introduce you to their new friends and your group will grow.

My kid's freshman year roommate had a best friend from home. one of the parents obviously didn't want them to room together, so they didn't. Except by end of freshman year, the two of them still did everything together and didn't have many other friends. Graduation is coming up, and they still are largely just the two of them hanging out (it's a campus of 5-6K undergrads, you see people around campus all the time). Nice kids, but they missed out on the entire college experience by having a friend from home nearby and not branching out.

Also, many people who choose to room together end up hating each other. Choosing roommates only works well if you are in a suite (and everyone has a single) or an apartment (and everyone has their own room and bathroom).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I roomed with a close HS friend freshman year in college. It made the transition to HYP easier. We shared a suite sophomore year, and a dorm room in the same hallway junior year. Still close friends several decades later. No guarantees but it certainly can work out fine.

For many they don't stay friends. Also, for many they miss opportunities to branch out and make more friends. My one kid is still best friends with freshman roommates (from a triple) and the others from their floor (it's a group of 7-8 of them). Not as likely to meet new people if you already know your roommates

[Anonymous]

What do the stats have to do with anything. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I roomed with a close HS friend freshman year in college. It made the transition to HYP easier. We shared a suite sophomore year, and a dorm room in the same hallway junior year. Still close friends several decades later. No guarantees but it certainly can work out fine.

None of those schools allowed you to choose your own roommate a generation ago.

Of course they did - particularly true for athletes. Across the hall from us freshman year was another pair of high school friends (on the football team).

[Anonymous]

It really depends on the school. There are some really weird kids getting into top schools now. There are kids who have zero hygiene. There are rampant cheaters. There is a wide range of socio economic differences that can be fine or not fine. There are late night gamers, depressed kids that hide in their rooms etc.

The worst random outcome is someone who doesn’t bath and leaves rotting food in the room. This isn’t uncommon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The friend is asking ds to room with him - they are VERY good friends, but ds doesn't want to. While it would be easier for him, because he is not nearly as outgoing as his friend, he feels like it would be good for him to go with a random roommate, but isn't sure how much of that is based on the tension between them now. He asked my advice. What would you say? It would really make freshman year easier for him to room together, but it would probably be good for him to put himself out there and meet new people.

I told ds this could all be moot and his friend could get off the waitlist for Yale or Brown in May - which I think should happen! But I am just sitting here wondering what to advise - roommate requests can go in now. Sorry for the long post - single mom, so I don't have another adult to talk this out with right now.

No, they shouldn’t room together. Even before the tension and the friend possibly getting off a waitlist, I would have said no. As everyone said, if they have each other as a fallback, they are less likely to put in the effort to meet new people and try activities without the other. We also don’t know how compatible they are as roommates. In some ways rooming with strangers either that you found on your own or a housing match will force you to ask questions, consider what is ideal or not so ideal in a housing situation and articulate it, speak up for yourself, and. hopefully find compromise. When you have a pre-existing friendship, it can be hard to ask the same questions and speak up for yourself because you worry about putting the friendship at risk.

I’d leave open the possibility they can always room together sophomore year - there might be the potential of more space like a suite or off campus house and more people. I also think that year of maturity and getting adjusted to college would make it an easier transition if they live together the next year.