No matter what I say

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if you’re giving unsolicited advice, but it took my mom until my mid 20s to figure out that me complaining about a tough day at school or work wasn’t an invitation to give me a checklist of all the things I should have done or should do to fix the problem. And of course, many of the problems aren’t immediately fixable (like a boss being rude to me one day).

If you tend to try to be a “fixer,” I recommend asking your kid first if they’re looking for support or advice.

From the perspective of an anxious fixer: also be mindful not to constantly complain about the same things without trying to find your own solutions. It's extremely frustrating and upsetting to hear this from someone you care so deeply about.

Sorry, parents are there to listen. You can share your feeling that it’s hard for you to hear about the same problem repeatedly when your child isn’t making changes, but I would not ask my child to stop coming to me for support. That’s a parent’s job.

[Anonymous]

My mom and I get along great because we never talk with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if you’re giving unsolicited advice, but it took my mom until my mid 20s to figure out that me complaining about a tough day at school or work wasn’t an invitation to give me a checklist of all the things I should have done or should do to fix the problem. And of course, many of the problems aren’t immediately fixable (like a boss being rude to me one day).

If you tend to try to be a “fixer,” I recommend asking your kid first if they’re looking for support or advice.

I must be very unusual. I welcome suggestions! If I have a problem, someone listening doesn’t really help me. But ideas are so welcome. The stereotype is women don’t like solutions, they just want someone to listen, but that has never applied to me.

So you don’t go to other people to talk about unfixable problems like the loss of a loved one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if you’re giving unsolicited advice, but it took my mom until my mid 20s to figure out that me complaining about a tough day at school or work wasn’t an invitation to give me a checklist of all the things I should have done or should do to fix the problem. And of course, many of the problems aren’t immediately fixable (like a boss being rude to me one day).

If you tend to try to be a “fixer,” I recommend asking your kid first if they’re looking for support or advice.

I must be very unusual. I welcome suggestions! If I have a problem, someone listening doesn’t really help me. But ideas are so welcome. The stereotype is women don’t like solutions, they just want someone to listen, but that has never applied to me.

Okay? It’s possible OP’s daughter is not like you.

[Anonymous]

Moms either transition from the adult-child relationship to the adult-adult relationship or they...can't. Stop talking at your 25 year old and speak with her instead. Better yet, do a lot more listening than talking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if you’re giving unsolicited advice, but it took my mom until my mid 20s to figure out that me complaining about a tough day at school or work wasn’t an invitation to give me a checklist of all the things I should have done or should do to fix the problem. And of course, many of the problems aren’t immediately fixable (like a boss being rude to me one day).

If you tend to try to be a “fixer,” I recommend asking your kid first if they’re looking for support or advice.

From the perspective of an anxious fixer: also be mindful not to constantly complain about the same things without trying to find your own solutions. It's extremely frustrating and upsetting to hear this from someone you care so deeply about.

Sorry, parents are there to listen. You can share your feeling that it’s hard for you to hear about the same problem repeatedly when your child isn’t making changes, but I would not ask my child to stop coming to me for support. That’s a parent’s job.

A parent's job is to support their child until they become adults, at which point the relationship progressively shifts and the young adult's goal is to become independent and resilient and function well in life. Constant complaining (I don't mean never venting obviously) hinders that goal. Your parents are not your servants and a one way street once you are an adult. They are full human beings, and it's a relationship: what you say does affect it, the same way what your parents say affects you.

If you know your mom gets upset by a ton of venting then why not tell your therapist or a friend sometimes instead of constantly calling her just to complain? It's sort of bizarre to not become a bit considerate as an adult. For instance I know my mom tends to worry about health things, so I don't tell her every little thing I do or exam, or I'll share after the fact. And make it a point to share GOOD things too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t give any unasked for advice
Keep things positive
Let her initiate contact most of the time
Very generally, the more you push the more she is likely to pull. Consider your communication style- maybe it’s entirely a young AC dynamic but maybe it’s not always her taking it wrong, maybe there’s a better way for you to say things.

I had to change my communication as my DD was nearing the end of college. I don’t think I was necessarily “wrong,” but I was wrong for her. She changed in ways I didn’t entirely understand and certainly didn’t expect, and she didn’t communicate some of that to me very well. I had to kind of figure things out.

interesting -- can you say more?

DD really wanted less but had difficulty expressing that. She wanted less frequent contact, less depth, less shared decision making. We have a large close family, and DD and I were very close. There was a time leasing to graduation that was very frustrating. She would make commitments but not follow through, or change at the last minute, and sometimes lie. She was generally acting kind of shady. I realized that all of it was around separation. She just wants a more separate life than I expected. Where I thought I was being supportive and helpful, I think she felt interrogated and maybe even controlled. Now I am mindful of that. Her highest value is freedom, she doesn’t want to feel obligated or like she has to explain something. So for holidays she doesn’t want to be asked, she will tell me if she’s participating. When my family asks me to participate or work together on a holiday or vacation, I feel happy, loved, excited. To DD, those same words feel like pressure. She doesn’t want to be in family group chats. She doesn’t want to hear extended family news unless she initiates it. She doesn’t want praise either, although she does want validation and she does want thoughtful questions about her work. Not her feelings about it, or if it’s going well, but the work itself. This is all very specific to my DD, I think that the general advice I gave in my first post works well for most people, but it’s also worth figuring out whether our own communication styles and expectations may cause negative feelings.

I wish my daughter had been able to articulate that, it would have saved upset on both sides. I ended up going to a therapist because I just felt lost. I was angry about broken commitments and bewildered as to how things had become tense. It really helped me understand that DD was showing me what she needed and be very intentional about respecting that. For awhile it did feel like I was walking on eggshells but now it comes easily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:then don't say anything

This isn’t as absurd as it seems.
I am a not so young adult and the best thing my parent could do is… just not talk to me.
Nothing enjoyable comes of it. It’s boring at best and infuriating at worst.

Work on building empathy and take some interest in their lives, they changed your diapers, fed you, stayed up at nights with you and so much more. If anyone else ever did 1% of it, you'll be writing thank you cards and feeling in debt.

Children do not owe their parents for their parents deciding to have them and raise them. That’s ridiculous. They don’t need to thank them every day for not neglecting them as children.
Signed, a grown woman who loves her parents and treats them well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is she?

25

Mine’s 31. Yep. Very prickly. But she’s actually pretty nice, just have to watch my old lady vibes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if you’re giving unsolicited advice, but it took my mom until my mid 20s to figure out that me complaining about a tough day at school or work wasn’t an invitation to give me a checklist of all the things I should have done or should do to fix the problem. And of course, many of the problems aren’t immediately fixable (like a boss being rude to me one day).

If you tend to try to be a “fixer,” I recommend asking your kid first if they’re looking for support or advice.

From the perspective of an anxious fixer: also be mindful not to constantly complain about the same things without trying to find your own solutions. It's extremely frustrating and upsetting to hear this from someone you care so deeply about.

Sorry, parents are there to listen. You can share your feeling that it’s hard for you to hear about the same problem repeatedly when your child isn’t making changes, but I would not ask my child to stop coming to me for support. That’s a parent’s job.

A parent's job is to support their child until they become adults, at which point the relationship progressively shifts and the young adult's goal is to become independent and resilient and function well in life. Constant complaining (I don't mean never venting obviously) hinders that goal. Your parents are not your servants and a one way street once you are an adult. They are full human beings, and it's a relationship: what you say does affect it, the same way what your parents say affects you.

If you know your mom gets upset by a ton of venting then why not tell your therapist or a friend sometimes instead of constantly calling her just to complain? It's sort of bizarre to not become a bit considerate as an adult. For instance I know my mom tends to worry about health things, so I don't tell her every little thing I do or exam, or I'll share after the fact. And make it a point to share GOOD things too.

Good parents still support their children emotionally as adults. If the child is excessively complaining, raise the concerns about volume and lack of other content to balance the discussions. Do it directly.

But your adult children are not there to meet your emotional needs or cater to your personal anxiety. The relationship between parents and adult children still isn’t a symmetrical one even in adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if you’re giving unsolicited advice, but it took my mom until my mid 20s to figure out that me complaining about a tough day at school or work wasn’t an invitation to give me a checklist of all the things I should have done or should do to fix the problem. And of course, many of the problems aren’t immediately fixable (like a boss being rude to me one day).

If you tend to try to be a “fixer,” I recommend asking your kid first if they’re looking for support or advice.

I must be very unusual. I welcome suggestions! If I have a problem, someone listening doesn’t really help me. But ideas are so welcome. The stereotype is women don’t like solutions, they just want someone to listen, but that has never applied to me.

So you don’t go to other people to talk about unfixable problems like the loss of a loved one?

Nope. I have not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if you’re giving unsolicited advice, but it took my mom until my mid 20s to figure out that me complaining about a tough day at school or work wasn’t an invitation to give me a checklist of all the things I should have done or should do to fix the problem. And of course, many of the problems aren’t immediately fixable (like a boss being rude to me one day).

If you tend to try to be a “fixer,” I recommend asking your kid first if they’re looking for support or advice.

I must be very unusual. I welcome suggestions! If I have a problem, someone listening doesn’t really help me. But ideas are so welcome. The stereotype is women don’t like solutions, they just want someone to listen, but that has never applied to me.

So you don’t go to other people to talk about unfixable problems like the loss of a loved one?

Nope. I have not.

That’s abnormal in a statistical sense. Totally fine for you but not the way most other people socialize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t give any unasked for advice
Keep things positive
Let her initiate contact most of the time
Very generally, the more you push the more she is likely to pull. Consider your communication style- maybe it’s entirely a young AC dynamic but maybe it’s not always her taking it wrong, maybe there’s a better way for you to say things.

I had to change my communication as my DD was nearing the end of college. I don’t think I was necessarily “wrong,” but I was wrong for her. She changed in ways I didn’t entirely understand and certainly didn’t expect, and she didn’t communicate some of that to me very well. I had to kind of figure things out.

interesting -- can you say more?

DD really wanted less but had difficulty expressing that. She wanted less frequent contact, less depth, less shared decision making. We have a large close family, and DD and I were very close. There was a time leasing to graduation that was very frustrating. She would make commitments but not follow through, or change at the last minute, and sometimes lie. She was generally acting kind of shady. I realized that all of it was around separation. She just wants a more separate life than I expected. Where I thought I was being supportive and helpful, I think she felt interrogated and maybe even controlled. Now I am mindful of that. Her highest value is freedom, she doesn’t want to feel obligated or like she has to explain something. So for holidays she doesn’t want to be asked, she will tell me if she’s participating. When my family asks me to participate or work together on a holiday or vacation, I feel happy, loved, excited. To DD, those same words feel like pressure. She doesn’t want to be in family group chats. She doesn’t want to hear extended family news unless she initiates it. She doesn’t want praise either, although she does want validation and she does want thoughtful questions about her work. Not her feelings about it, or if it’s going well, but the work itself. This is all very specific to my DD, I think that the general advice I gave in my first post works well for most people, but it’s also worth figuring out whether our own communication styles and expectations may cause negative feelings.

I wish my daughter had been able to articulate that, it would have saved upset on both sides. I ended up going to a therapist because I just felt lost. I was angry about broken commitments and bewildered as to how things had become tense. It really helped me understand that DD was showing me what she needed and be very intentional about respecting that. For awhile it did feel like I was walking on eggshells but now it comes easily.

This really resonates with me. Thanks for sharing, I aspire to your level of acceptance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t give any unasked for advice
Keep things positive
Let her initiate contact most of the time
Very generally, the more you push the more she is likely to pull. Consider your communication style- maybe it’s entirely a young AC dynamic but maybe it’s not always her taking it wrong, maybe there’s a better way for you to say things.

I had to change my communication as my DD was nearing the end of college. I don’t think I was necessarily “wrong,” but I was wrong for her. She changed in ways I didn’t entirely understand and certainly didn’t expect, and she didn’t communicate some of that to me very well. I had to kind of figure things out.

interesting -- can you say more?

DD really wanted less but had difficulty expressing that. She wanted less frequent contact, less depth, less shared decision making. We have a large close family, and DD and I were very close. There was a time leasing to graduation that was very frustrating. She would make commitments but not follow through, or change at the last minute, and sometimes lie. She was generally acting kind of shady. I realized that all of it was around separation. She just wants a more separate life than I expected. Where I thought I was being supportive and helpful, I think she felt interrogated and maybe even controlled. Now I am mindful of that. Her highest value is freedom, she doesn’t want to feel obligated or like she has to explain something. So for holidays she doesn’t want to be asked, she will tell me if she’s participating. When my family asks me to participate or work together on a holiday or vacation, I feel happy, loved, excited. To DD, those same words feel like pressure. She doesn’t want to be in family group chats. She doesn’t want to hear extended family news unless she initiates it. She doesn’t want praise either, although she does want validation and she does want thoughtful questions about her work. Not her feelings about it, or if it’s going well, but the work itself. This is all very specific to my DD, I think that the general advice I gave in my first post works well for most people, but it’s also worth figuring out whether our own communication styles and expectations may cause negative feelings.

I wish my daughter had been able to articulate that, it would have saved upset on both sides. I ended up going to a therapist because I just felt lost. I was angry about broken commitments and bewildered as to how things had become tense. It really helped me understand that DD was showing me what she needed and be very intentional about respecting that. For awhile it did feel like I was walking on eggshells but now it comes easily.

Oh wow!! PP!! Thank you so much! What you were describing sounded like my 20 years old DD and the relationship we have right now. She is just pulling away and made me feel unwanted and not respected as a mother. Glad to know that our situation is not unique. I will learn from what you wrote above and try to find peace. What you said about "I don’t think I was necessarily “wrong,” but I was wrong for her." was really what she said of me, and gave me so much mother's guilt. I also have 2 other younger boys, and we get along just fine. A lot for me to think about. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t give any unasked for advice
Keep things positive
Let her initiate contact most of the time
Very generally, the more you push the more she is likely to pull. Consider your communication style- maybe it’s entirely a young AC dynamic but maybe it’s not always her taking it wrong, maybe there’s a better way for you to say things.

I had to change my communication as my DD was nearing the end of college. I don’t think I was necessarily “wrong,” but I was wrong for her. She changed in ways I didn’t entirely understand and certainly didn’t expect, and she didn’t communicate some of that to me very well. I had to kind of figure things out.

interesting -- can you say more?

DD really wanted less but had difficulty expressing that. She wanted less frequent contact, less depth, less shared decision making. We have a large close family, and DD and I were very close. There was a time leasing to graduation that was very frustrating. She would make commitments but not follow through, or change at the last minute, and sometimes lie. She was generally acting kind of shady. I realized that all of it was around separation. She just wants a more separate life than I expected. Where I thought I was being supportive and helpful, I think she felt interrogated and maybe even controlled. Now I am mindful of that. Her highest value is freedom, she doesn’t want to feel obligated or like she has to explain something. So for holidays she doesn’t want to be asked, she will tell me if she’s participating. When my family asks me to participate or work together on a holiday or vacation, I feel happy, loved, excited. To DD, those same words feel like pressure. She doesn’t want to be in family group chats. She doesn’t want to hear extended family news unless she initiates it. She doesn’t want praise either, although she does want validation and she does want thoughtful questions about her work. Not her feelings about it, or if it’s going well, but the work itself. This is all very specific to my DD, I think that the general advice I gave in my first post works well for most people, but it’s also worth figuring out whether our own communication styles and expectations may cause negative feelings.

I wish my daughter had been able to articulate that, it would have saved upset on both sides. I ended up going to a therapist because I just felt lost. I was angry about broken commitments and bewildered as to how things had become tense. It really helped me understand that DD was showing me what she needed and be very intentional about respecting that. For awhile it did feel like I was walking on eggshells but now it comes easily.

Oh wow!! PP!! Thank you so much! What you were describing sounded like my 20 years old DD and the relationship we have right now. She is just pulling away and made me feel unwanted and not respected as a mother. Glad to know that our situation is not unique. I will learn from what you wrote above and try to find peace. What you said about "I don’t think I was necessarily “wrong,” but I was wrong for her." was really what she said of me, and gave me so much mother's guilt. I also have 2 other younger boys, and we get along just fine. A lot for me to think about. Thank you!

It is hard, but guilt is not healthy! Like you, I have other children and different relationships with them. Having an AC who has become someone who needs more separation and independence doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong or that your AC did either. As moms we always want to give our children what they need and it is a big switch when what your AC needs is less. The lying and broken commitments stopped and now when DD talks or visits, she’s content.

To the other PP, about the acceptance, give yourself grace, you will get there.