No matter what I say

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t give any unasked for advice
Keep things positive
Let her initiate contact most of the time
Very generally, the more you push the more she is likely to pull. Consider your communication style- maybe it’s entirely a young AC dynamic but maybe it’s not always her taking it wrong, maybe there’s a better way for you to say things.

I had to change my communication as my DD was nearing the end of college. I don’t think I was necessarily “wrong,” but I was wrong for her. She changed in ways I didn’t entirely understand and certainly didn’t expect, and she didn’t communicate some of that to me very well. I had to kind of figure things out.

interesting -- can you say more?

DD really wanted less but had difficulty expressing that. She wanted less frequent contact, less depth, less shared decision making. We have a large close family, and DD and I were very close. There was a time leasing to graduation that was very frustrating. She would make commitments but not follow through, or change at the last minute, and sometimes lie. She was generally acting kind of shady. I realized that all of it was around separation. She just wants a more separate life than I expected. Where I thought I was being supportive and helpful, I think she felt interrogated and maybe even controlled. Now I am mindful of that. Her highest value is freedom, she doesn’t want to feel obligated or like she has to explain something. So for holidays she doesn’t want to be asked, she will tell me if she’s participating. When my family asks me to participate or work together on a holiday or vacation, I feel happy, loved, excited. To DD, those same words feel like pressure. She doesn’t want to be in family group chats. She doesn’t want to hear extended family news unless she initiates it. She doesn’t want praise either, although she does want validation and she does want thoughtful questions about her work. Not her feelings about it, or if it’s going well, but the work itself. This is all very specific to my DD, I think that the general advice I gave in my first post works well for most people, but it’s also worth figuring out whether our own communication styles and expectations may cause negative feelings.

I wish my daughter had been able to articulate that, it would have saved upset on both sides. I ended up going to a therapist because I just felt lost. I was angry about broken commitments and bewildered as to how things had become tense. It really helped me understand that DD was showing me what she needed and be very intentional about respecting that. For awhile it did feel like I was walking on eggshells but now it comes easily.

Oh wow!! PP!! Thank you so much! What you were describing sounded like my 20 years old DD and the relationship we have right now. She is just pulling away and made me feel unwanted and not respected as a mother. Glad to know that our situation is not unique. I will learn from what you wrote above and try to find peace. What you said about "I don’t think I was necessarily “wrong,” but I was wrong for her." was really what she said of me, and gave me so much mother's guilt. I also have 2 other younger boys, and we get along just fine. A lot for me to think about. Thank you!

It is hard, but guilt is not healthy! Like you, I have other children and different relationships with them. Having an AC who has become someone who needs more separation and independence doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong or that your AC did either. As moms we always want to give our children what they need and it is a big switch when what your AC needs is less. The lying and broken commitments stopped and now when DD talks or visits, she’s content.

To the other PP, about the acceptance, give yourself grace, you will get there.

Thank you again, PP. Yes, the lying is really hurtful and we ended up suspecting each other. No more trust. The bolded part above is something I will keep in heart. Thank you!!