No matter what I say

[Anonymous]

Speak less. Listen more.

[Anonymous]

You did all the raising, time to parent is over. I feel for you but you can't make another adult follow the blueprint you want them to live. They'll not become what you envisioned.

[Anonymous]

Focus on your own life, you did your job of raising them, they are on their own now. Be kind but don't get too involved.

[Anonymous]

What are you beefing about? I find that young people are less independent + more entitled + more sensitive and that is not a good combo. I did not like when my parents criticized me but I was also self-sufficient and as such I could mind input. When my ds who is not self-sufficient balks at advice about job search (he is in college and a big spender) I do mind because I fund him.

[Anonymous]

That's the issue. If adult kids are on their own, parents can let them be. If their problems become problems for parents then they can't expect parents to not get involved and have opinions.

[Anonymous]

I find that younger people are hyper sensitive

At the same time, older generations don’t seem as concerned about choosing their words. My own mother is terribly rude to me and insults me. If I ask her “would you say that to a friend?” the question goes over her head. But really with an adult child you should speak to them more as a peer or friend as opposed to just saying absolutely anything because they are family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup. Mothers and daughters. My mom means well but her tone is always grating. It's gotten better between us but I still flinch when she calls.

+1 In my late 40s and still having this problem with my mom. She offers unsolicited advice and when I push back or get annoyed she acts the victim.

I’m trying hard to avoid becoming this way to my own daughter. When I’m tempted to over advise, I ask myself “would anything my own mother said ever have changed my mind about something like this?” And the answer is always no.

[Anonymous]

It might be your tone as opposed to what you’re saying.

My own mother is sexist and seriously speaks to my husband using a nicer, more considerate tone. The tone she uses with me is condescending and rude.

I’d consider asking yourself how you’d feel if someone overheard your conversation. I think my own mother would be shocked hearing herself and the comments and tone she uses. I now have stricter boundaries and keep my distance because I dislike speaking to someone who is rude to me.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know if you’re giving unsolicited advice, but it took my mom until my mid 20s to figure out that me complaining about a tough day at school or work wasn’t an invitation to give me a checklist of all the things I should have done or should do to fix the problem. And of course, many of the problems aren’t immediately fixable (like a boss being rude to me one day).

If you tend to try to be a “fixer,” I recommend asking your kid first if they’re looking for support or advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if you’re giving unsolicited advice, but it took my mom until my mid 20s to figure out that me complaining about a tough day at school or work wasn’t an invitation to give me a checklist of all the things I should have done or should do to fix the problem. And of course, many of the problems aren’t immediately fixable (like a boss being rude to me one day).

If you tend to try to be a “fixer,” I recommend asking your kid first if they’re looking for support or advice.

From the perspective of an anxious fixer: also be mindful not to constantly complain about the same things without trying to find your own solutions. It's extremely frustrating and upsetting to hear this from someone you care so deeply about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if you’re giving unsolicited advice, but it took my mom until my mid 20s to figure out that me complaining about a tough day at school or work wasn’t an invitation to give me a checklist of all the things I should have done or should do to fix the problem. And of course, many of the problems aren’t immediately fixable (like a boss being rude to me one day).

If you tend to try to be a “fixer,” I recommend asking your kid first if they’re looking for support or advice.

Hopefully, you didn’t complain to her much then

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t give any unasked for advice
Keep things positive
Let her initiate contact most of the time
Very generally, the more you push the more she is likely to pull. Consider your communication style- maybe it’s entirely a young AC dynamic but maybe it’s not always her taking it wrong, maybe there’s a better way for you to say things.

I had to change my communication as my DD was nearing the end of college. I don’t think I was necessarily “wrong,” but I was wrong for her. She changed in ways I didn’t entirely understand and certainly didn’t expect, and she didn’t communicate some of that to me very well. I had to kind of figure things out.

interesting -- can you say more?

[Anonymous]

Say and share less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if you’re giving unsolicited advice, but it took my mom until my mid 20s to figure out that me complaining about a tough day at school or work wasn’t an invitation to give me a checklist of all the things I should have done or should do to fix the problem. And of course, many of the problems aren’t immediately fixable (like a boss being rude to me one day).

If you tend to try to be a “fixer,” I recommend asking your kid first if they’re looking for support or advice.

I must be very unusual. I welcome suggestions! If I have a problem, someone listening doesn’t really help me. But ideas are so welcome. The stereotype is women don’t like solutions, they just want someone to listen, but that has never applied to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if you’re giving unsolicited advice, but it took my mom until my mid 20s to figure out that me complaining about a tough day at school or work wasn’t an invitation to give me a checklist of all the things I should have done or should do to fix the problem. And of course, many of the problems aren’t immediately fixable (like a boss being rude to me one day).

If you tend to try to be a “fixer,” I recommend asking your kid first if they’re looking for support or advice.

I must be very unusual. I welcome suggestions! If I have a problem, someone listening doesn’t really help me. But ideas are so welcome. The stereotype is women don’t like solutions, they just want someone to listen, but that has never applied to me.

Most people sometimes want advice and sometimes want to just vent and feel heard. That’s why you ask what kind of support the person is looking for.

I strongly suspect there are many circumstances in which you just want to share your hard day or situation without someone volunteering advice about things you’ve already tried or are unworkable.