I had to tell my kid her father died today

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Totally sudden.

Awful. I'm so sorry for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, there are financial things to think about, on my end. Already working to get her on my insurance. She doesn’t need to deal with those things, but I certainly do.

My Dad lost his dad when he was 11, and he was entitled to survivor's benefits. Maybe she is too and you can save that for college? I'm so sorry. No one wants to see their kid in pain.

[Anonymous]

My eldest was 14 when my husband was killed in a car crash. It complicated matters that she was my stepdaughter and my late DH was in the process of getting full custody (later awarded to me). It was a rocky time and I floated the idea of grief counseling to her which she turned down but some months later I made an appointment for her and just took her. What she originally resisted helped a lot. It can take time. You're already being very gentle with her which is the best thing, OP. I wish you and your family well.

[Anonymous]

with a loving Mom, she will be ok. I was.
just be there for each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Dad died when I was 11. I wish I would have had other male role models step up for me. I reached out to Uncles as I got older who I feel like placated me. But they didn’t take an interest in my life or help to raise me.
Give it some time, but if you can do this for your DD it will go a long way.

Men rarely step up like this.

That is utter horse shit and you should deeply ashamed for saying it. You clearly have terrible character. Were you born this way or were you just raised wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She might have some financial concerns that will need addressing. Adults have a better understanding of the overall picture but so many teens are worried about money when sudden changes like this happen.

Money is your concern. Could you be any more cold and uncaring.

This is wrong. If this was sudden then there may not be good plans in place. If he had another wife or other children it will be complicated. You need to be prepared to advocate for your child to make sure they get what they are entitled too. Make sure to ask for the will and who will be the executor. Don't worry about whether his family thinks you are being pushy. This is for your child.

[Anonymous]

https://www.caringmatters.org/ - Montgomery County
www.wendtcenter.org - DC

+1 to social security benefits

For everything else, I'm so very sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She might have some financial concerns that will need addressing. Adults have a better understanding of the overall picture but so many teens are worried about money when sudden changes like this happen.

Money is your concern. Could you be any more cold and uncaring.

I am the PP you relied to.
I mean many teens are worried about money from my experience.
Addressing her concerns would be wise

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, there are financial things to think about, on my end. Already working to get her on my insurance. She doesn’t need to deal with those things, but I certainly do.

I am the one who mentioned it.
I mean that teens sometimes have financial concerns which probably need to be addressed, as in: don’t worry we are good money wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She might have some financial concerns that will need addressing. Adults have a better understanding of the overall picture but so many teens are worried about money when sudden changes like this happen.

Money is your concern. Could you be any more cold and uncaring.

DP. I have a teenager who is always concerned about money. Our household income is over $400k, we have very substantial savings, we’ve got her college expenses covered by a 529, and she’s never had to go without anything, but she has anxiety, so anytime there’s an unexpected expense or one of us changes jobs, her first question is do we have enough money. It’s not at all unreasonable for a 16 year old to wonder if a parent’s sudden, unexpected death will lead to financial hardship. It’s probably not something they think about immediately, but it would be surprising if it never occurred to them.

This is exactly what I meant! Thank you for saying it much better than I did!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She might have some financial concerns that will need addressing. Adults have a better understanding of the overall picture but so many teens are worried about money when sudden changes like this happen.

Money is your concern. Could you be any more cold and uncaring.

DP. I have a teenager who is always concerned about money. Our household income is over $400k, we have very substantial savings, we’ve got her college expenses covered by a 529, and she’s never had to go without anything, but she has anxiety, so anytime there’s an unexpected expense or one of us changes jobs, her first question is do we have enough money. It’s not at all unreasonable for a 16 year old to wonder if a parent’s sudden, unexpected death will lead to financial hardship. It’s probably not something they think about immediately, but it would be surprising if it never occurred to them.

Can you stop making every post about you? Something more is going on in your home if you have that income, substantial savings, a college account, and a spoiled kid. It's not money she needs, but attention and your time. Really inappropriate second post.

This is such a weird response. Fwiw I am not the pp who posted about her dd but it’s just so strangely rude

[Anonymous]

OP - I am so sorry for your and your daughter’s loss.

There are so many good and supportive posts.

And then there are random aggressive posts, trying to create conflict.

Go troll something that is not this serious or real. This is where DCUM is an amazing community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find a therapist for her now. Even if she doesn't seem like she needs it, setup a few appointments so she has someone to talk to. Grief is hard and hits everyone differently.

This. My father died when I was 11. My mom tried making me go to therapy, but I refused. On the outside, I appeared to handle his death well- I was high achieving, had many friends and never got into any trouble. I managed this by suppressing my feelings and am now in therapy at 50 dealing with his death and the decades of repercussions of not handling it.

Please consider making your DD see a therapist whether she thinks she needs it or not. And I would argue this is especially needed if she appears to handle his death well and move on quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find a therapist for her now. Even if she doesn't seem like she needs it, setup a few appointments so she has someone to talk to. Grief is hard and hits everyone differently.

This. My father died when I was 11. My mom tried making me go to therapy, but I refused. On the outside, I appeared to handle his death well- I was high achieving, had many friends and never got into any trouble. I managed this by suppressing my feelings and am now in therapy at 50 dealing with his death and the decades of repercussions of not handling it.

Please consider making your DD see a therapist whether she thinks she needs it or not. And I would argue this is especially needed if she appears to handle his death well and move on quickly.

I posted about my experience at 17:01. Therapy right away during this period of shock may or may not be useful. But in the long run it's a good tool for helping to recognize and accept grief and manage feelings and emotions. After all, if our kids were having a medical or dental crisis we wouldn't let them decide not to treat it. Helping them understand what they're going through is part of healing.

And PP, I hope you're doing better. It's never too late to deal with decades-old trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find a therapist for her now. Even if she doesn't seem like she needs it, setup a few appointments so she has someone to talk to. Grief is hard and hits everyone differently.

This. My father died when I was 11. My mom tried making me go to therapy, but I refused. On the outside, I appeared to handle his death well- I was high achieving, had many friends and never got into any trouble. I managed this by suppressing my feelings and am now in therapy at 50 dealing with his death and the decades of repercussions of not handling it.

Please consider making your DD see a therapist whether she thinks she needs it or not. And I would argue this is especially needed if she appears to handle his death well and move on quickly.

I posted about my experience at 17:01. Therapy right away during this period of shock may or may not be useful. But in the long run it's a good tool for helping to recognize and accept grief and manage feelings and emotions. After all, if our kids were having a medical or dental crisis we wouldn't let them decide not to treat it. Helping them understand what they're going through is part of healing.

And PP, I hope you're doing better. It's never too late to deal with decades-old trauma.

+1. You can’t make a kid go, but you can ask her to go once, learn more and keep an open mind. She may feel she doesn’t need it, or another format might be more useful (like grief teen group). If she goes once and says she doesn’t want to continue, just say it’s her choice, and if she changes her mind or feels like she needs it more later, you will help make an appointment and pay.

You also should model going to a counselor for grief counseling - if nothing else to help you understand how to support her over time.