Extra chores on maternity leave

[Anonymous]

I took on extra working willingly, and I regretted it. It quickly morphed into me doing 90% of the domestic work even after I went back to work, and even when I was paying 70% of the bills bc xH decided he needed to spend his money on his hobbies.

I would not set the standard that you will do more now. I think in theory it seems reasonable, but in practice most men never pick their fair share back up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Salary gap and chore division are two different issues, keep them separate. All money is family money, not his or hers. You can communicate to him that you are on maternity leave to heal your body, bond with and care for the baby and help build toddler-baby bond, not for taking over home chores. If you two can afford hired help, do utilize it to give yourselves a break.

I've been the partner working more hours, making more money, being more intentional about my career, and doing the bulk of the domestic work and it didn't feel separate to me. At a certain point it's reasonable to ask what your partner is bringing to the table. This guy is sleeping through the night while she does all the baby stuff and her income supports them.

We don't know if he is sleeping through the night or doing a 2 am feed or diaper change or putting toddler to sleep.

[Anonymous]

Just both you and your DH should be reminded that two babies break many marriages so if you two want to keep yours together, work together as a team and find mutually acceptable solutions to go through life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Salary gap and chore division are two different issues, keep them separate. All money is family money, not his or hers. You can communicate to him that you are on maternity leave to heal your body, bond with and care for the baby and help build toddler-baby bond, not for taking over home chores. If you two can afford hired help, do utilize it to give yourselves a break.

I've been the partner working more hours, making more money, being more intentional about my career, and doing the bulk of the domestic work and it didn't feel separate to me. At a certain point it's reasonable to ask what your partner is bringing to the table. This guy is sleeping through the night while she does all the baby stuff and her income supports them.

We don't know if he is sleeping through the night or doing a 2 am feed or diaper change or putting toddler to sleep.

"he is the one who is sleeping through the night and who is able to fit in an hour-long workout every day"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Collect the trash in his workout bag

Not really, but that’s what I would want to do…

+1 But seriously. OP, you seem like an articulate person. Why don't you just articulate the unfairness of the status quo to your husband? The fact that he goes to work out for an hour each day while you want to work out but can't at all because you're picking up too much of his slack seems like a bigger issue than taking out the trash (which is a pretty quick chore).

You should both have workouts, where the other watches the baby, every other day.

[Anonymous]

Hope you don’t plan to have more kids.

[Anonymous]

This is kind of petty and bean-county of you. Just take out the trash. If the pattern becomes excessive, then say something.

[Anonymous]

Ha! My DH did way more when I was on maternity leave, not less.

By the time we had our third, we were able to hire a lot of help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not argue with him, and continue to not take responsibility for this chore.

No comment to his suggestion.
It is a slippery slope once you allow this manner of thinking to take root.

[Anonymous]

I mean it sounds like he might have made an offhand remark without really thinking it through. Given this, you might have chuckled and said “I don’t think so.” Or rolled your eyes and said “nope.”

Instead, you are stewing that your husband is some huge misogynist. I would just lightly say “hey, I’m assuming you will keep taking out the trash. I’m too tired to add anything to me list right now.” He will likely nod his head and life will go on. Or he will double/triple down and you can tell him you want to sit down and make a list of who is doing what (or play Fair Play).

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t extrapolate this into intention on his part more like “scope creep.” But I would hold firm boundaries. So next time say ‘sorry the baby is fussy today and I’ve got my hands full’ -you’ll just have to get it out next week.

But the 2/3 income comment is worrisome, op. Examine your resentment carefully. See where it comes from and try to get to the root of it. Because it can grow into a very toxic thing. Maybe that means telling him that you want to step back at work and not be primary breadwinner for the next ten years or so and what lifestyle changes would that mean for you guys? I went half time when my second was born and it’s the best decision I made even though it meant a more modest house for us. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You have two babies. Buckle up, it’s going to get worse.

[Anonymous]

Yeah the 2/3 income comment is snarky OP
You feel some type of way about that husband of yours income.

😬

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Umm.

I have three kids and my husband ALWAYS took on extra chores when I was on my leave (12 weeks). Then he kept doing the extra chores while he was on leave (12 weeks, taken after mine) as his leave was way easier than mine. And I’d generally pick them back up or we’d rejigger when he went back to work.

Your husband’s a jerk.

+1000

On the off chance that he was having a bad day, I'd sit down and talk to him about how he's looking at things.

[Anonymous]

When he is home sick from work does he clean the house? I didn't think so.