Extra chores on maternity leave

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And in the moment, every time he says that you are "not working" remind him that you ARE working.

THIS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else’s DH expect them to handle extra chores while they’re on maternity leave? One of the chores DH typically handles is collecting trash from throughout the house the night before the trash is collected and taking the trash can down to the curb.

Yesterday was trash day, and for whatever reason DH never took the bin down to the curb. He realized he forgot when the truck came by yesterday and told me last night that “maybe you should take the trash out while you’re not working.” To clarify, “not working” = on paid maternity leave from the job where I make 2/3 of our household income.

I think his expectation that I take over one of his chores during this period is, quite frankly, totally unreasonable - especially since it is a chore than cannot be easily performed with a baby in tow. Our baby is two months old and began refusing most crib recently. She took one non-contact nap yesterday, and, while I would have preferred to spend that time napping myself or exercising, I spent it… doing chores. I also was up late cleaning up the kitchen after the baby went down for the night. When I came to bed, DH was asleep with the lights off. And then I proceeded to handle the baby’s night wakings on my own. I just don’t have a ton of extra time to take care of additional tasks around the house right now.

DH has been doing a lot for our older child while I’m occupied with the baby, so I don’t want to give the impression that he’s doing nothing. Even so, I can’t believe he suggested that I take over one of his chores while I’m postpartum. And I think the fact that he clearly believes that I have “extra time” now - even though he is the one who is sleeping through the night and who is able to fit in an hour-long workout every day - bothers me even more than his suggestion that I take out the trash.

Did anyone else’s husband expect them to take on extra work around the house while they were on maternity leave? If so, what did you agree on? Even though this is my second time doing this, but I still find taking care of an infant to be hard work that does not leave a lot of time to get much else done.

Was it really an expectation though? It happened one! time, and he made one, what seems to be casual, suggestion. It didn’t sound like he was forcing you, or telling you, or you never had the opportunity to simply say “No. I can’t take that on right now.”

Instead, here you are stewing and ruminating alone with a newborn over one comment and what feels fair and what doesn’t. That isn’t healthy. You guys are in the trenches together, please give each other grace.

[Anonymous]

Does it even matter? Our trash comes twice a week and we usually only take it out once a week. It's just not full enough.

[Anonymous]

I think you are both being unreasonable.

Hey I forgot the trash can you take it down... sure, of course you can take the trash down... acting like you can't is unreasonable.

Can you take that on while you are "not working", no actually I'm not going to, i'm tired and busy with the baby and healing.

[Anonymous]

The extra chore is called taking care of the baby!

[Anonymous]

I think his reasoning is off. But I don't think it's unreasonable to pick up after yourself and the baby a 2 month old not napping is not let everything go to hell territory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does it even matter? Our trash comes twice a week and we usually only take it out once a week. It's just not full enough.

Do you have a two month old baby with 8-10 wet diapers a day? No? Then not applicable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does it even matter? Our trash comes twice a week and we usually only take it out once a week. It's just not full enough.

Do you have a two month old baby with 8-10 wet diapers a day? No? Then not applicable.

Yes actually I do. It's cold outside and the cans don't smell at all now.

[Anonymous]

Salary gap and chore division are two different issues, keep them separate. All money is family money, not his or hers. You can communicate to him that you are on maternity leave to heal your body, bond with and care for the baby and help build toddler-baby bond, not for taking over home chores. If you two can afford hired help, do utilize it to give yourselves a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I'd do it if it was after he got home and was feeding/comforting/changing the baby.

I think maybe your DH doesn't understand the level of care and attention that a 2 month old takes.

Do you bottle feed at all (Pumped or formula, IDK)? You should, so that YOU can get some non-baby time and your DH will have some full-on 1-on-1 time with his child without you around.

Let him have at least 8 hours without you some day soon -- he should have both kids. And then talk about rejiggering the chores.

This! At the very least you need to leave him alone with both kids for at least an hour each week (or multiple times a week) so you can go work out or do whatever you want to relax outside of the house.

[Anonymous]

Taking care of a baby and a toddler is hard work, people pay nannies and daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Salary gap and chore division are two different issues, keep them separate. All money is family money, not his or hers. You can communicate to him that you are on maternity leave to heal your body, bond with and care for the baby and help build toddler-baby bond, not for taking over home chores. If you two can afford hired help, do utilize it to give yourselves a break.

I've been the partner working more hours, making more money, being more intentional about my career, and doing the bulk of the domestic work and it didn't feel separate to me. At a certain point it's reasonable to ask what your partner is bringing to the table. This guy is sleeping through the night while she does all the baby stuff and her income supports them.

[Anonymous]

Umm.

I have three kids and my husband ALWAYS took on extra chores when I was on my leave (12 weeks). Then he kept doing the extra chores while he was on leave (12 weeks, taken after mine) as his leave was way easier than mine. And I’d generally pick them back up or we’d rejigger when he went back to work.

Your husband’s a jerk.

[Anonymous]

No your husband should not be expecting you to do add’l household duties just because you are on maternity leave.
Like you stated - - caring for a brand-new baby is a lot of work in itself >> coupled with the fact that you are often operating on minimal sleep.

Ideally your husband should take over night duty on his days off to allow you to catch up on sleep on occasion.
He should also pick up more of the slack in the home temporarily just as an appreciation for all that you do!

[Anonymous]

I'd suggest that you would be glad to do that while he wrangles both kids (probably around bedtime). Then when he says another time, ask him what other time -- is there good time when the 2 month old will surely not wake up, for example, from a nap while you are doing that?

But I'd definitely wrap this hill to die on into something bigger if there is one. In the mean time it would be good to mention some essential career development event on a Saturday you must go to in 2 weeks to make sure you continue your job and how grateful you are that he can take the kids.

Sorry, OP. Hoping that you both are overtaxed and not at your best -- newborn #2 is really challenging for two-career couples, it definitely was in my family. Good luck. Ten years later DH is doing his share of the chores and then some here.