Son cries about dad being Coach

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really need to name the sport because it matters. I am guessing soccer if they started in pre-K and K.

There are often two dynamics when a dad is a coach.

1)The kid isn't that good but gets more playing time and in better positions so other kids and parents see this and a few of them gripe about it.

2) When the son is really good the dad/coach plays him in important positions and he gets more playing time which the son deserves but there are still parents who grumble about it. To make their own kids feel better they start talking at home how the coach's son is only good because he gets more playing time/plays a better position/some other excuse. Then the kid goes to school and makes a snide comment toward your son saying you only scored a goal (or goals) because your dad is a coach and he puts you in better positions.

The other issue is this is a rec league and maybe your son wants to just goof off with his friends but feels compelled to take it seriously because his dad is his coach. Or it could be your husband actually does put more pressure on your son but you aren't around to see it and your husband may not even realize it.

You really are wrong that no one will step up to coach. Have your husband take off a season and see what happens.

OP here. The sport dh has coached 10 seasons of is soccer, but he's also coached softball with similar issues. Scouts is definitely more of a problem. All the other kids have paid their dues and dh can't just quit. There isn't anyone else who would step up. DH has tried to get an assistant leader. My brother comes sometimes to help DS with the activities (like if they're programming something) while DH is being the leader and that does help.

I've sat with DS when he's sobbing and even later and asked him what's wrong. He'll just say he doesn't like it. But when I ask about specific parts, he'll say he likes those. It feels like he's trying to make DH feel bad about something DH liked and was trying to do for DS. At the beginning of every year, we ask him if he wants to play and he says he wants to. We definitely aren't forcing him into something he doesn't want to do. And then sobs later...

The way you talk about your son is so sad. He is not doing this to make your husband feel bad. He feels upset and doesn’t know how to handle the expectations your family has set up for him. It’s clear just from these comments that your husband REALLY wants this and even if you “ask” your son ok to keep doing this he’s obviously going to feel a lot of pressure to do what his dad wants. He’s being used to make his dad’s wants come to life. Does he even like soccer? My son plays soccer and he’s crazy about it. Wears a jersey all the time, plays at recess, has favorite players etc. most of his soccer player friends are the same. If your kid is not doing that let him try something else. If he is, let him try a different coach and make your husband stay out of it.

I guess you have to get through the year for scouts but insist on a parent helper for each meeting and try and let your son go with them. And make sure you find time to praise him when appropriate and maybe give him a small leadership role for some meetings. I feel SO bad for your son. I can’t believe you can’t see the position you are putting him in.

OP here. DS loves soccer and is very good at it. We ask him what he wants to do and he chooses soccer. He didn't choose softball or basketball, so we didn't enroll him anymore. He also does swimming that DH does not coach.

DH cannot get a helper for scouts. He's tried. Coaching and being a scout leader isn't DH's favorite thing, but he did step up when it was clear that there wouldn't be a den otherwise. DH tried to not coach soccer last fall, but DS didn't make a team due to lack of coaches, so DH had to coach again in order for him and all the other boys to play (rec soccer has done this a few times to DH, including once putting DS on a team in a neighboring city instead of close by).

Dad isn't living vicariously through DS. lol. DH already played all these sports himself and was an eagle scout. We are very kind to DS, so his sobbing is just a bit over the top and confusing to us.

Strangely enough, last night he had a sobbing tantrum over being enrolled in any summer camps (dh is not involved in any of that). When we probed a bit, his dream is to play minecraft all summer long while eating snacks at the grandparent's house. He has plenty of downtime, but maybe the issue is his chrome book usage? And I was just thinking it was something between DH and DS

The way you describe what is happening is very confusing. If your DH doesn't coach, your DS doesn't make a team at all. But also DS is "very good" at soccer and the "best" on his team? Sorry, but these things can't all be true. Seems like we might be back to the possibility that other kids are giving your kid a hard time because your DH treats him like the best/gives him extra playing time when he isn't/doesn't deserve it? Maybe that's off-base, but your posts are very difficult to interpret. If your newest theory is correct, that your kid is just crying because they don't want to do anything except screens...? Then, yes, you have a very big problem and it starts with cold turkey on screen time.

[Anonymous]

Land the helicopter DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs to take a step back from volunteering for everything. You know this.
Every other kid on the team or den get a break from parental expectations and involvement. Yours doesn’t. Every extracurricular his dad leads.
He’s told you his needs repeatedly and you’ve marginalized and ignored his needs repeatedly.

+1. DH should not be coaching/leading every single activity for years and years if your kid hates it. WTH. How have you let the dynamic go on this long? Now, I am a doer and I totally understand feeling like you/DH can't do nothing. So pick one activity. Or maybe let DS pick. "OK, we have to do our part for these activities, which you love so much. So DH is going to coach/lead only one thing this year, which should be do?" Have him do that and drop the rest. Maybe the scout troop falls apart, but other parents will 100% pick up the rec sports or the organization will step in. It may be that he doesn't like being overshadowed by his dad/how much other kids like his dad. That's a TOTALLY valid feeling for a young kid that you shouldn't just entirely delegitimize or describe like it's pathological.

DP - but they won't. Not for rec soccer. They will literally tell you there's no team for your kid because there aren't enough coaches. The system runs on parent volunteers and there are too many freeloaders.

[Anonymous]

I remember that I hated when my Dad would coach my teams because I was really good, and other coaches I'd had would play me most of each game. But my Dad very strictly would only play me for half a game because he didn't want to be seen as playing favorites. Maybe it's that?

[Anonymous]

You could totally be describing my kid and husband. My kid is a natural athlete, loves all sports and all his teachers and coaches talk about how he is a great leader, very good listener etc.

He absolutely does not like my husband coaching. This will be my husband's last season as a result. I think it's because he really hates being corrected, but when it's not his dad he can listen to the message and doesn't get emotional. With his dad, it's like he feels hurt that he's being corrected first and barely hears the message. It'll be something like "keep your arms up while playing defense" (basketball), and my son will clearly feel picked on (even if he was the third kid to get that message).

I led girl scouts for years, and our rule was always that the mom didn't correct her own child (the co-leader did it). Any chance your husband can get another parent to be an assistant coach? That might help a but.

[Anonymous]

I'm pp and I have one more thought- I've talked to my son about how if he feels like he was unfairly called out during practice or a game by his dad, he can discuss it with him at home. That helped a little- knowing he could have a father/son conversation at home rather than a coach conversation with others around

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs to take a step back from volunteering for everything. You know this.
Every other kid on the team or den get a break from parental expectations and involvement. Yours doesn’t. Every extracurricular his dad leads.
He’s told you his needs repeatedly and you’ve marginalized and ignored his needs repeatedly.

+1. DH should not be coaching/leading every single activity for years and years if your kid hates it. WTH. How have you let the dynamic go on this long? Now, I am a doer and I totally understand feeling like you/DH can't do nothing. So pick one activity. Or maybe let DS pick. "OK, we have to do our part for these activities, which you love so much. So DH is going to coach/lead only one thing this year, which should be do?" Have him do that and drop the rest. Maybe the scout troop falls apart, but other parents will 100% pick up the rec sports or the organization will step in. It may be that he doesn't like being overshadowed by his dad/how much other kids like his dad. That's a TOTALLY valid feeling for a young kid that you shouldn't just entirely delegitimize or describe like it's pathological.

DP - but they won't. Not for rec soccer. They will literally tell you there's no team for your kid because there aren't enough coaches. The system runs on parent volunteers and there are too many freeloaders.

My experience with rec soccer (and this will vary by league) is the players that signed up last will not make a team if they don’t have enough coaches. I’ve coached a couple seasons, and I’ve learned that I wait until the third or fourth email saying they’re short on coaches. So sign him up for rec soccer as soon as it is open, and wait until about the fourth email to volunteer.
We also volunteered with scouts. After seven years, we were done. My husband struggled to get other adults involved, but when he finally said “I’m done” and actually LEFT, amazingly other parents finally stepped up. Honestly, I was really pissed off, because for years we had been asking and asking and asking and asking and asking, and once we quit, three or four parents stepped up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really need to name the sport because it matters. I am guessing soccer if they started in pre-K and K.

There are often two dynamics when a dad is a coach.

1)The kid isn't that good but gets more playing time and in better positions so other kids and parents see this and a few of them gripe about it.

2) When the son is really good the dad/coach plays him in important positions and he gets more playing time which the son deserves but there are still parents who grumble about it. To make their own kids feel better they start talking at home how the coach's son is only good because he gets more playing time/plays a better position/some other excuse. Then the kid goes to school and makes a snide comment toward your son saying you only scored a goal (or goals) because your dad is a coach and he puts you in better positions.

The other issue is this is a rec league and maybe your son wants to just goof off with his friends but feels compelled to take it seriously because his dad is his coach. Or it could be your husband actually does put more pressure on your son but you aren't around to see it and your husband may not even realize it.

You really are wrong that no one will step up to coach. Have your husband take off a season and see what happens.

OP here. The sport dh has coached 10 seasons of is soccer, but he's also coached softball with similar issues. Scouts is definitely more of a problem. All the other kids have paid their dues and dh can't just quit. There isn't anyone else who would step up. DH has tried to get an assistant leader. My brother comes sometimes to help DS with the activities (like if they're programming something) while DH is being the leader and that does help.

I've sat with DS when he's sobbing and even later and asked him what's wrong. He'll just say he doesn't like it. But when I ask about specific parts, he'll say he likes those. It feels like he's trying to make DH feel bad about something DH liked and was trying to do for DS. At the beginning of every year, we ask him if he wants to play and he says he wants to. We definitely aren't forcing him into something he doesn't want to do. And then sobs later...

The way you talk about your son is so sad. He is not doing this to make your husband feel bad. He feels upset and doesn’t know how to handle the expectations your family has set up for him. It’s clear just from these comments that your husband REALLY wants this and even if you “ask” your son ok to keep doing this he’s obviously going to feel a lot of pressure to do what his dad wants. He’s being used to make his dad’s wants come to life. Does he even like soccer? My son plays soccer and he’s crazy about it. Wears a jersey all the time, plays at recess, has favorite players etc. most of his soccer player friends are the same. If your kid is not doing that let him try something else. If he is, let him try a different coach and make your husband stay out of it.

I guess you have to get through the year for scouts but insist on a parent helper for each meeting and try and let your son go with them. And make sure you find time to praise him when appropriate and maybe give him a small leadership role for some meetings. I feel SO bad for your son. I can’t believe you can’t see the position you are putting him in.

OP here. DS loves soccer and is very good at it. We ask him what he wants to do and he chooses soccer. He didn't choose softball or basketball, so we didn't enroll him anymore. He also does swimming that DH does not coach.

DH cannot get a helper for scouts. He's tried. Coaching and being a scout leader isn't DH's favorite thing, but he did step up when it was clear that there wouldn't be a den otherwise. DH tried to not coach soccer last fall, but DS didn't make a team due to lack of coaches, so DH had to coach again in order for him and all the other boys to play (rec soccer has done this a few times to DH, including once putting DS on a team in a neighboring city instead of close by).

Dad isn't living vicariously through DS. lol. DH already played all these sports himself and was an eagle scout. We are very kind to DS, so his sobbing is just a bit over the top and confusing to us.

Strangely enough, last night he had a sobbing tantrum over being enrolled in any summer camps (dh is not involved in any of that). When we probed a bit, his dream is to play minecraft all summer long while eating snacks at the grandparent's house. He has plenty of downtime, but maybe the issue is his chrome book usage? And I was just thinking it was something between DH and DS

You know we can still read your OP where you wrote :
Dh is also the Cub Scout leader. This was something Dh always wanted to do and is very excited about.

You are NOT very kind to your son if he’s been crying before every practice for 5 years and you keep going and just assume he’s jealous of your husband.

My son is the same age and also plays soccer. You absolutely can find SOME team with a coach that your son can play on. It might be a little more expensive or a little less convenient but there is a lot of youth soccer out there for good, not exceptional players.

[Anonymous]

And if the den dies, well honestly that just tells you how much they actually cared about it. Scouts is not a life requirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And if the den dies, well honestly that just tells you how much they actually cared about it. Scouts is not a life requirement.

Well the kids may have cared about it, but if parents can’t/don’t step up it doesn’t happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really need to name the sport because it matters. I am guessing soccer if they started in pre-K and K.

There are often two dynamics when a dad is a coach.

1)The kid isn't that good but gets more playing time and in better positions so other kids and parents see this and a few of them gripe about it.

2) When the son is really good the dad/coach plays him in important positions and he gets more playing time which the son deserves but there are still parents who grumble about it. To make their own kids feel better they start talking at home how the coach's son is only good because he gets more playing time/plays a better position/some other excuse. Then the kid goes to school and makes a snide comment toward your son saying you only scored a goal (or goals) because your dad is a coach and he puts you in better positions.

The other issue is this is a rec league and maybe your son wants to just goof off with his friends but feels compelled to take it seriously because his dad is his coach. Or it could be your husband actually does put more pressure on your son but you aren't around to see it and your husband may not even realize it.

You really are wrong that no one will step up to coach. Have your husband take off a season and see what happens.

OP here. The sport dh has coached 10 seasons of is soccer, but he's also coached softball with similar issues. Scouts is definitely more of a problem. All the other kids have paid their dues and dh can't just quit. There isn't anyone else who would step up. DH has tried to get an assistant leader. My brother comes sometimes to help DS with the activities (like if they're programming something) while DH is being the leader and that does help.

I've sat with DS when he's sobbing and even later and asked him what's wrong. He'll just say he doesn't like it. But when I ask about specific parts, he'll say he likes those. It feels like he's trying to make DH feel bad about something DH liked and was trying to do for DS. At the beginning of every year, we ask him if he wants to play and he says he wants to. We definitely aren't forcing him into something he doesn't want to do. And then sobs later...

The way you talk about your son is so sad. He is not doing this to make your husband feel bad. He feels upset and doesn’t know how to handle the expectations your family has set up for him. It’s clear just from these comments that your husband REALLY wants this and even if you “ask” your son ok to keep doing this he’s obviously going to feel a lot of pressure to do what his dad wants. He’s being used to make his dad’s wants come to life. Does he even like soccer? My son plays soccer and he’s crazy about it. Wears a jersey all the time, plays at recess, has favorite players etc. most of his soccer player friends are the same. If your kid is not doing that let him try something else. If he is, let him try a different coach and make your husband stay out of it.

I guess you have to get through the year for scouts but insist on a parent helper for each meeting and try and let your son go with them. And make sure you find time to praise him when appropriate and maybe give him a small leadership role for some meetings. I feel SO bad for your son. I can’t believe you can’t see the position you are putting him in.

OP here. DS loves soccer and is very good at it. We ask him what he wants to do and he chooses soccer. He didn't choose softball or basketball, so we didn't enroll him anymore. He also does swimming that DH does not coach.

DH cannot get a helper for scouts. He's tried. Coaching and being a scout leader isn't DH's favorite thing, but he did step up when it was clear that there wouldn't be a den otherwise. DH tried to not coach soccer last fall, but DS didn't make a team due to lack of coaches, so DH had to coach again in order for him and all the other boys to play (rec soccer has done this a few times to DH, including once putting DS on a team in a neighboring city instead of close by).

Dad isn't living vicariously through DS. lol. DH already played all these sports himself and was an eagle scout. We are very kind to DS, so his sobbing is just a bit over the top and confusing to us.

Strangely enough, last night he had a sobbing tantrum over being enrolled in any summer camps (dh is not involved in any of that). When we probed a bit, his dream is to play minecraft all summer long while eating snacks at the grandparent's house. He has plenty of downtime, but maybe the issue is his chrome book usage? And I was just thinking it was something between DH and DS

You know we can still read your OP where you wrote :
Dh is also the Cub Scout leader. This was something Dh always wanted to do and is very excited about.

You are NOT very kind to your son if he’s been crying before every practice for 5 years and you keep going and just assume he’s jealous of your husband.

My son is the same age and also plays soccer. You absolutely can find SOME team with a coach that your son can play on. It might be a little more expensive or a little less convenient but there is a lot of youth soccer out there for good, not exceptional players.

OP here. DH being excited about doing something doesn't mean he's forcing his son to do something the son didn't want to do. These are all activities that DS loves to do (even with DH) at home.

DS hasn't been sobbing for 5 years. It's a relatively new thing.

[Anonymous]

So to recap: your husband was excited and really wanted to be a scout leader but you have never pressured your son, and he must definitely like it despite crying before every meeting.

You decide your son is jealous of your husband and purposely trying to make him feel bad and that is why he is crying regularly.

But you are all very kind to your son. Ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So to recap: your husband was excited and really wanted to be a scout leader but you have never pressured your son, and he must definitely like it despite crying before every meeting.

You decide your son is jealous of your husband and purposely trying to make him feel bad and that is why he is crying regularly.

But you are all very kind to your son. Ok.

+1 OP stop being so defensive and listen. Your kid doesn't want to be coached by your DH in every single moment of his life. Stop being so accommodating to your DH's ego that you ignore your kid's obvious needs.

The fact that your DH has been coaching soccer for a decade but your kid is only in 2nd grade is a massive red flag. I have a BIL like this - played college football and can't let go of that being his identity so he started coaching kids. By the time his own kids were old enough to play he had maneuvered himself into coaching some kind of "pre-pre-college-track" kids and couldn't give up the tenuous access to cachet to coach his own kids so he would miss his sons' games to coach these completely unrelated tweens. It was BIZARRE and voluntary and 100% in service to his ego not to any children involved. Same vibes.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is an ego maniac

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really need to name the sport because it matters. I am guessing soccer if they started in pre-K and K.

There are often two dynamics when a dad is a coach.

1)The kid isn't that good but gets more playing time and in better positions so other kids and parents see this and a few of them gripe about it.

2) When the son is really good the dad/coach plays him in important positions and he gets more playing time which the son deserves but there are still parents who grumble about it. To make their own kids feel better they start talking at home how the coach's son is only good because he gets more playing time/plays a better position/some other excuse. Then the kid goes to school and makes a snide comment toward your son saying you only scored a goal (or goals) because your dad is a coach and he puts you in better positions.

The other issue is this is a rec league and maybe your son wants to just goof off with his friends but feels compelled to take it seriously because his dad is his coach. Or it could be your husband actually does put more pressure on your son but you aren't around to see it and your husband may not even realize it.

You really are wrong that no one will step up to coach. Have your husband take off a season and see what happens.

I couldn’t agree more with this. But also second grade playing time should be fairly even with kids trying different things. A kid will never develop if they aren’t given the time in a game.

But also, I know many coaches that hold on really tight for the control and over commit and coach season after season when other dads want to do it. I have heard those same coaches say that. If I had to guess I would say baseball or flag.