Son cries about dad being Coach

[Anonymous]

One of my kids has a lot of sensitivities and cries a lot. At one point we realized some of it became a habit. We validated and accommodated so many times and then at some point we had to shut it down and walk away, to let them figure it out themselves.

I would have your dh say “I’m leaving at 4:45pm for practice. If you’re upset and can’t
Make it in the car then I’ll have to leave without you.” Not meanly. Kind voice, but firm and confident. And he has to do it. No coming back, no cajoling, no 5 more minutes.

I bet it takes one maybe two times of your ds missing practice to pull himself together the next time. It’ll give him more confidence knowing what to expect.

Fwiw my kid is still sensitive, but can handle situations much better now that they are older. You have to know when you validate and hug and when it’s time to move on.

[Anonymous]

Either you put your child on a different team, DH quits coaching or your child quits the sport and cub scouts. These activities are supposed to be fun not torturous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband coach’s my similar age son and it’s been a really difficult dynamic. My son plays another sport with a random coach (not someone we know outside the sport) and DS is a dream for him. But he whines and gets upset with his dad regularly. People don’t volunteer it unless they see you going through the same thing but this dynamic is pretty common. Instruction/correction just feels different coming from a parent and it’s tough when all the other parents are just getting to do the praise/fun stuff and then your dad is 1) focused on other kids and not just you 2) is correcting you. They have worked through it together and it has gotten better. I think it’s especially challenging when your son is one of the better players too because they feel doubly that they should be getting special treatment/praise, but usually the dad/coach is extra careful not to play favorites.

My husband has an assistant coach and whenever possible if they do small groups my son goes with the other coach which helps. Can he have another parent step in for drills and break up the dynamic a little bit? But if it’s not getting better, I would have your husband take some time off coaching. Yes he might be excited about the idea of being a coach but if it’s not working for your family you need to accept it. I know at least one family that just couldn’t make the dynamic work. Maybe you can try again when your DS is older/more mature.

I agree this is really common. The coaches/scout leader/whatevers kids always seem to be the worst behaved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really need to name the sport because it matters. I am guessing soccer if they started in pre-K and K.

There are often two dynamics when a dad is a coach.

1)The kid isn't that good but gets more playing time and in better positions so other kids and parents see this and a few of them gripe about it.

2) When the son is really good the dad/coach plays him in important positions and he gets more playing time which the son deserves but there are still parents who grumble about it. To make their own kids feel better they start talking at home how the coach's son is only good because he gets more playing time/plays a better position/some other excuse. Then the kid goes to school and makes a snide comment toward your son saying you only scored a goal (or goals) because your dad is a coach and he puts you in better positions.

The other issue is this is a rec league and maybe your son wants to just goof off with his friends but feels compelled to take it seriously because his dad is his coach. Or it could be your husband actually does put more pressure on your son but you aren't around to see it and your husband may not even realize it.

You really are wrong that no one will step up to coach. Have your husband take off a season and see what happens.

OP here. The sport dh has coached 10 seasons of is soccer, but he's also coached softball with similar issues. Scouts is definitely more of a problem. All the other kids have paid their dues and dh can't just quit. There isn't anyone else who would step up. DH has tried to get an assistant leader. My brother comes sometimes to help DS with the activities (like if they're programming something) while DH is being the leader and that does help.

I've sat with DS when he's sobbing and even later and asked him what's wrong. He'll just say he doesn't like it. But when I ask about specific parts, he'll say he likes those. It feels like he's trying to make DH feel bad about something DH liked and was trying to do for DS. At the beginning of every year, we ask him if he wants to play and he says he wants to. We definitely aren't forcing him into something he doesn't want to do. And then sobs later...

[Anonymous]

I visited my aunt (in her 80s) recently and she happened to mention that 3rd grade, when my grandmother taught her class, was the worst year of her life! Are the other kids teasing him or making fun of his dad and he doesn’t know how to deal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really need to name the sport because it matters. I am guessing soccer if they started in pre-K and K.

There are often two dynamics when a dad is a coach.

1)The kid isn't that good but gets more playing time and in better positions so other kids and parents see this and a few of them gripe about it.

2) When the son is really good the dad/coach plays him in important positions and he gets more playing time which the son deserves but there are still parents who grumble about it. To make their own kids feel better they start talking at home how the coach's son is only good because he gets more playing time/plays a better position/some other excuse. Then the kid goes to school and makes a snide comment toward your son saying you only scored a goal (or goals) because your dad is a coach and he puts you in better positions.

The other issue is this is a rec league and maybe your son wants to just goof off with his friends but feels compelled to take it seriously because his dad is his coach. Or it could be your husband actually does put more pressure on your son but you aren't around to see it and your husband may not even realize it.

You really are wrong that no one will step up to coach. Have your husband take off a season and see what happens.

I don't think she's wrong about that. People don't step up. The kids get split onto other teams or are told there's no coach. The scout troop would just not happen anymore because that 100% depends on parent initiative.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to take a step back from volunteering for everything. You know this.
Every other kid on the team or den get a break from parental expectations and involvement. Yours doesn’t. Every extracurricular his dad leads.
He’s told you his needs repeatedly and you’ve marginalized and ignored his needs repeatedly.

[Anonymous]

What does your son say when you ask him about it at calm times? What does he say when you ask him about it when he’s crying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really need to name the sport because it matters. I am guessing soccer if they started in pre-K and K.

There are often two dynamics when a dad is a coach.

1)The kid isn't that good but gets more playing time and in better positions so other kids and parents see this and a few of them gripe about it.

2) When the son is really good the dad/coach plays him in important positions and he gets more playing time which the son deserves but there are still parents who grumble about it. To make their own kids feel better they start talking at home how the coach's son is only good because he gets more playing time/plays a better position/some other excuse. Then the kid goes to school and makes a snide comment toward your son saying you only scored a goal (or goals) because your dad is a coach and he puts you in better positions.

The other issue is this is a rec league and maybe your son wants to just goof off with his friends but feels compelled to take it seriously because his dad is his coach. Or it could be your husband actually does put more pressure on your son but you aren't around to see it and your husband may not even realize it.

You really are wrong that no one will step up to coach. Have your husband take off a season and see what happens.

OP here. The sport dh has coached 10 seasons of is soccer, but he's also coached softball with similar issues. Scouts is definitely more of a problem. All the other kids have paid their dues and dh can't just quit. There isn't anyone else who would step up. DH has tried to get an assistant leader. My brother comes sometimes to help DS with the activities (like if they're programming something) while DH is being the leader and that does help.

I've sat with DS when he's sobbing and even later and asked him what's wrong. He'll just say he doesn't like it. But when I ask about specific parts, he'll say he likes those. It feels like he's trying to make DH feel bad about something DH liked and was trying to do for DS. At the beginning of every year, we ask him if he wants to play and he says he wants to. We definitely aren't forcing him into something he doesn't want to do. And then sobs later...

The way you talk about your son is so sad. He is not doing this to make your husband feel bad. He feels upset and doesn’t know how to handle the expectations your family has set up for him. It’s clear just from these comments that your husband REALLY wants this and even if you “ask” your son ok to keep doing this he’s obviously going to feel a lot of pressure to do what his dad wants. He’s being used to make his dad’s wants come to life. Does he even like soccer? My son plays soccer and he’s crazy about it. Wears a jersey all the time, plays at recess, has favorite players etc. most of his soccer player friends are the same. If your kid is not doing that let him try something else. If he is, let him try a different coach and make your husband stay out of it.

I guess you have to get through the year for scouts but insist on a parent helper for each meeting and try and let your son go with them. And make sure you find time to praise him when appropriate and maybe give him a small leadership role for some meetings. I feel SO bad for your son. I can’t believe you can’t see the position you are putting him in.

[Anonymous]

So weird

[Anonymous]

Is this a second marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really need to name the sport because it matters. I am guessing soccer if they started in pre-K and K.

There are often two dynamics when a dad is a coach.

1)The kid isn't that good but gets more playing time and in better positions so other kids and parents see this and a few of them gripe about it.

2) When the son is really good the dad/coach plays him in important positions and he gets more playing time which the son deserves but there are still parents who grumble about it. To make their own kids feel better they start talking at home how the coach's son is only good because he gets more playing time/plays a better position/some other excuse. Then the kid goes to school and makes a snide comment toward your son saying you only scored a goal (or goals) because your dad is a coach and he puts you in better positions.

The other issue is this is a rec league and maybe your son wants to just goof off with his friends but feels compelled to take it seriously because his dad is his coach. Or it could be your husband actually does put more pressure on your son but you aren't around to see it and your husband may not even realize it.

You really are wrong that no one will step up to coach. Have your husband take off a season and see what happens.

OP here. The sport dh has coached 10 seasons of is soccer, but he's also coached softball with similar issues. Scouts is definitely more of a problem. All the other kids have paid their dues and dh can't just quit. There isn't anyone else who would step up. DH has tried to get an assistant leader. My brother comes sometimes to help DS with the activities (like if they're programming something) while DH is being the leader and that does help.

I've sat with DS when he's sobbing and even later and asked him what's wrong. He'll just say he doesn't like it. But when I ask about specific parts, he'll say he likes those. It feels like he's trying to make DH feel bad about something DH liked and was trying to do for DS. At the beginning of every year, we ask him if he wants to play and he says he wants to. We definitely aren't forcing him into something he doesn't want to do. And then sobs later...

The way you talk about your son is so sad. He is not doing this to make your husband feel bad. He feels upset and doesn’t know how to handle the expectations your family has set up for him. It’s clear just from these comments that your husband REALLY wants this and even if you “ask” your son ok to keep doing this he’s obviously going to feel a lot of pressure to do what his dad wants. He’s being used to make his dad’s wants come to life. Does he even like soccer? My son plays soccer and he’s crazy about it. Wears a jersey all the time, plays at recess, has favorite players etc. most of his soccer player friends are the same. If your kid is not doing that let him try something else. If he is, let him try a different coach and make your husband stay out of it.

I guess you have to get through the year for scouts but insist on a parent helper for each meeting and try and let your son go with them. And make sure you find time to praise him when appropriate and maybe give him a small leadership role for some meetings. I feel SO bad for your son. I can’t believe you can’t see the position you are putting him in.

OP here. DS loves soccer and is very good at it. We ask him what he wants to do and he chooses soccer. He didn't choose softball or basketball, so we didn't enroll him anymore. He also does swimming that DH does not coach.

DH cannot get a helper for scouts. He's tried. Coaching and being a scout leader isn't DH's favorite thing, but he did step up when it was clear that there wouldn't be a den otherwise. DH tried to not coach soccer last fall, but DS didn't make a team due to lack of coaches, so DH had to coach again in order for him and all the other boys to play (rec soccer has done this a few times to DH, including once putting DS on a team in a neighboring city instead of close by).

Dad isn't living vicariously through DS. lol. DH already played all these sports himself and was an eagle scout. We are very kind to DS, so his sobbing is just a bit over the top and confusing to us.

Strangely enough, last night he had a sobbing tantrum over being enrolled in any summer camps (dh is not involved in any of that). When we probed a bit, his dream is to play minecraft all summer long while eating snacks at the grandparent's house. He has plenty of downtime, but maybe the issue is his chrome book usage? And I was just thinking it was something between DH and DS

[Anonymous]

I think asking your son to play and him answering yes may not also be yes to asking your son to play while his Dad coaches the team. Those arent the same question. ........ and it likely feels unfair if the underlying choice is a) play with your Dad as coach or b) dont play because no one else but Dad will step up.

Why dont you coach? My son hated his Dad being coach so I tried it. He didnt cry but a Dad is already normally pretty intense about sports or scouts or man stuff and to add that extra layer of Coach- so now having to double please- just probably feels like too much pressure even if he enjoys it while doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a second marriage?

Nope. First marriage and we're very happily married. We are the bio parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs to take a step back from volunteering for everything. You know this.
Every other kid on the team or den get a break from parental expectations and involvement. Yours doesn’t. Every extracurricular his dad leads.
He’s told you his needs repeatedly and you’ve marginalized and ignored his needs repeatedly.

+1. DH should not be coaching/leading every single activity for years and years if your kid hates it. WTH. How have you let the dynamic go on this long? Now, I am a doer and I totally understand feeling like you/DH can't do nothing. So pick one activity. Or maybe let DS pick. "OK, we have to do our part for these activities, which you love so much. So DH is going to coach/lead only one thing this year, which should be do?" Have him do that and drop the rest. Maybe the scout troop falls apart, but other parents will 100% pick up the rec sports or the organization will step in. It may be that he doesn't like being overshadowed by his dad/how much other kids like his dad. That's a TOTALLY valid feeling for a young kid that you shouldn't just entirely delegitimize or describe like it's pathological.