DD lack of social awareness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a kid like this. It is their innate personality and not a diagnosable disorder. All you can do is give them tips for fitting in and hope that by the time they are in college they figure out social stuff.

Tbh, I don't think the socially sophisticated and poised kids are all that great. I know you compare your DD to them and wish she could act like that, but they are kind of boring.

This is OP. I spend a lot of time with DD & her classmates at play dates & volunteering at school, so I know what kids are like at this age. I’m not wishing she be socially polished & sophisticated. I also know saying socially inept & off things is to an extent normal, so I don’t hold her to an unrealistic standard.

11 year old needs mom around for playdates?
Most parents stopped lurking around around K. I stopped tagging along the and mostly left my kids alone when they hosted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds mean and I could be totally off base, but are you and your dh every silly/fun? My kids wouldn’t do that stuff naked at that age, but they did when they were young and we thought it was silly. We laugh at farts and aren’t uptight if the house isn’t clean enough to have guests. Are you sure she just isn’t just a more free spirited kid and desperate for a connection? Again the naked thing is not super normal for that age, but if she’s been with uptight parents then maybe she’s just trying to push the envelope

This is OP, and no I don’t think you sound mean, but this is off base. My DH is silly, I’m less silly, but not zero silly. I wouldn’t mind fart/potty jokes, but DD takes it too far. Since she doesn’t get the nuance, it’s just easier for me to tell her to stop altogether the fart/potty jokes rather than say “well, it’s okay in this situation, but not this situation.” Example of taking things too far: we got home at 10 pm, which is late for DD, but really late for DS, who was crashing. DS was in bed, and DD came to his bedroom and farted at him. DS started crying. DD started laughing at him. DH said to DD “It’s late. Go fart in your own room” in a calm voice. DD left, then came back and farted in DS’s room again. DH now was annoyed and firmly told her to go to her own room. DD got upset, came to me & and said that DH was being mean to her and “slammed” the door in her face (DH said he didn’t even close the door).

I do think she is trying for connection. But I don’t think that doing things that we repeatedly tell her we’re not okay with is the way to go. I also don’t think we micromanage her silliness, only the naked thing and anything that gets to the point of really bothering DS. What I mean by behavior & me guiding her, it covers all areas, not just her being silly. For instance, I got her an Apple Watch so we could better coordinate pick-ups, such as me texting her “meet me at Lot A.” But DD will text me at say 3:25 when we’re supposed to meet at 3:30 with “where are you?” I’ve told her “I have NEVER forgotten to pick you up. At 3:25, I’m in the car on my way to you. I can’t even text you back because I’m driving. So what’s the point of texting me? Please DO NOT TEXT ME unless I’m 5 minutes or more late.” And yet she still keeps texting me like this. I have so many examples like this where I give her very clear direction and she does not follow them.

You are letting her get away with being rude.
And she knows she can get away with it.
She enjoys pushing her bad behavior on her family. It is just her character and there is no incentive to stop.

[Anonymous]

OP go ask this in Special Needs Forum. You don't believe us here. In SN people will grok the vibe.

[Anonymous]

This sounds normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I have SO MANY examples like the above. This is in part, a family problem. I truly find that my guidance as a parent does not get through to her. I have tried to reinforce good behavior, negatively reinforce not good behavior in so many ways, and feel like it goes nowhere. I have a DS6 who despite being much younger & much more hyper, pays attention “enough” that I feel like he’s doing great. I feel like my parenting works with him 50% (to assign an arbitrary number), but with DD, it’s 5%. We just started therapy to get a therapist’s perspective, and I am planning to get a neuropsych evaluation done in case that gives us any answers.

You’re probably underestimating how bad the spoiled youngest is. Having a “hyper” little brother is TRAUMATIZING. Picking on him is likely revenge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think #2 has anything to do with what may be your other valid concerns. Plenty of completely typical, socially adjusted kids beg their parents for stuff like this over and over — including mine. Honestly, for my kid this has paid off with her teachers because she always manages to finagle something to help her (and usually the whole class) bring her grades up. Her teachers always talk about how good she is at “advocating for herself and others” while I’m rolling my eyes internally thinking my kids super power is badgering people to death.

+1. I am the PP who said my DD did #2 all the time, is socially very adept and would never do #1 or #3. I think #2 is just 11 year old girl who wants something and not even unusual much less evidence of some pathology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"This is also in part, a socialization problem among her peers. She tells us stories of what happened during the day and a lot of what she tells me involves her saying/doing things that are very cringe, and/or kids being unkind to her, which I believe is because she’s socially off. I think she tries hard to fit in and she’s sad that kids treat her poorly."

This part happens to my DD over and over again. My DD is definitely not autistic, she gets social cues (but maybe a bit inattentive ADHD). DH and I've tried for years to help her fit in better and it hasn't worked, so we think it's a combo of the other kids + my DD being the youngest in her grade with a late August birthday (last one is big, we really regret not holding her back). DD just wants to mother all the other kids and boss them around, but doesn't see why others don't like that. Her younger siblings hate it too. She also wants to tattle nonstop and can't understand why other kids are out of control and not following the rules. Sigh. We are trying to work on it at home a lot too, but I think it's just innate.

So long story short, it just might be your DD's personality.

+100 to being the youngest in the grade.