DD lack of social awareness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think her birthday has anything to do with it. Some of my daughter’s friends were born in September, November, December and there was never any differences. They choose friends based on things like maturity level not actual age.

She needs to find activities with kids that have similar attributes and interests. Please don’t say you’ve got her in team sports. Does she have some interests?

I agree that it doesn’t have to do with birthday. DD is a spring birthday so she’s on the younger side (since a lot of summer kids get redshirted), but by no means one of the youngest.

DD is in a few activities of her choosing, such as choir and volleyball. She’s most passionate about writing, but I don’t know what kind of group activity to put her in for this. Why do you say “don’t say you’ve got her in team sports”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry. This doesn't just sound like "silliness." Or not "reading the room." There's defiance there too. You can't succeed trying to micromanage this with "reason." Please consider getting the evaluation asap.

I do think there is some willful disobedience at times, but the impression I have is she gets really wrapped up in her feelings and wants rather than acknowledging that of others. I do want to get her evaluated, but what makes you say I should get one asap? What diagnosis do you think we might hear?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In terms of managing the silliness you need to get that under control now. My son was like this & it was hard but he’d 25 now and perfectly fine. This was years ago but we took away Nickelodeon and Disney Channel for a while, like almost a year because of the showing off behavior and made it clear that it wasn’t acceptable to act like that in real life. Also important to not swoop in when peers correct behavior when she takes it too far. It really helps them learn how to behave properly. Puberty definitely helped though.

I remember calming down from puberty, so hopefully that will help. DD doesn’t watch those kinds of kids shows so her silliness is inbred lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD11 has a lack of social awareness that causes problems both at home and at school. She doesn’t intuit what the other person is feeling or thinking and ends up saying the wrong thing, pushing too hard, and so on.

Examples: 1. DD has a lot of behavior that DH & I have told her many times “don’t do this”, with reasons, but she still does them regularly. For example, cracking potty jokes, or making inappropriate motions while naked, such as shaking her butt. DH and I NEVER laugh. In the moment, I’ll frown & look away, or tell her we don’t like that. At a different time when it’s just us two, I’ll remind her “hey you shouldn’t do this because we don’t flaunt our private parts.” But she never stops, and each time smiles and laughs at us as though we’ll enjoy it.

2. DD just texted me from school that she wants a play date with her friends *today*, let’s call them Lara and Larla.
Me: Okay, but not at our house because of XYZ. Lara & Larla can ask their moms to host.
DD: Ask them
Me: I’m not asking Lara & Larla’s mom to host. That’s me asking a favor. But L & L can ask their moms.
DD: Can they come to our house, please?

At that point, I told her if she asked me one more time, I was going to stop responding to her messages, so she stopped. But had I not given the ultimatum, she would have kept asking me to host, or to ask the other moms. I hate giving ultimatums, I think it’s a sh*tty way to parent, but it’s the only thing that works with her.

I have SO MANY examples like the above. This is in part, a family problem. I truly find that my guidance as a parent does not get through to her. I have tried to reinforce good behavior, negatively reinforce not good behavior in so many ways, and feel like it goes nowhere. I have a DS6 who despite being much younger & much more hyper, pays attention “enough” that I feel like he’s doing great. I feel like my parenting works with him 50% (to assign an arbitrary number), but with DD, it’s 5%. We just started therapy to get a therapist’s perspective, and I am planning to get a neuropsych evaluation done in case that gives us any answers.

This is also in part, a socialization problem among her peers. She tells us stories of what happened during the day and a lot of what she tells me involves her saying/doing things that are very cringe, and/or kids being unkind to her, which I believe is because she’s socially off. I think she tries hard to fit in and she’s sad that kids treat her poorly.

What do you do with a kid like this?

This is a good idea and hopefully will help you understand what is really going on with you DD. Ask both the psychologist who does the neuropsych and the therapist for suggestions and resources for understanding how to better parent this kid. You seem like a thoughtful parent, but as you intuit, you may need to take a different approach with your DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry. This doesn't just sound like "silliness." Or not "reading the room." There's defiance there too. You can't succeed trying to micromanage this with "reason." Please consider getting the evaluation asap.

I do think there is some willful disobedience at times, but the impression I have is she gets really wrapped up in her feelings and wants rather than acknowledging that of others. I do want to get her evaluated, but what makes you say I should get one asap? What diagnosis do you think we might hear?

I am no expert. But what you are doing is not changing anything. Rather than let this go on, find out what the "this" is.

I have a guess but it's just a guess. You don't need guesses.
But if you must, put that sentence about feelings and wants into google AI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds mean and I could be totally off base, but are you and your dh every silly/fun? My kids wouldn’t do that stuff naked at that age, but they did when they were young and we thought it was silly. We laugh at farts and aren’t uptight if the house isn’t clean enough to have guests. Are you sure she just isn’t just a more free spirited kid and desperate for a connection? Again the naked thing is not super normal for that age, but if she’s been with uptight parents then maybe she’s just trying to push the envelope

This is OP, and no I don’t think you sound mean, but this is off base. My DH is silly, I’m less silly, but not zero silly. I wouldn’t mind fart/potty jokes, but DD takes it too far. Since she doesn’t get the nuance, it’s just easier for me to tell her to stop altogether the fart/potty jokes rather than say “well, it’s okay in this situation, but not this situation.” Example of taking things too far: we got home at 10 pm, which is late for DD, but really late for DS, who was crashing. DS was in bed, and DD came to his bedroom and farted at him. DS started crying. DD started laughing at him. DH said to DD “It’s late. Go fart in your own room” in a calm voice. DD left, then came back and farted in DS’s room again. DH now was annoyed and firmly told her to go to her own room. DD got upset, came to me & and said that DH was being mean to her and “slammed” the door in her face (DH said he didn’t even close the door).

I do think she is trying for connection. But I don’t think that doing things that we repeatedly tell her we’re not okay with is the way to go. I also don’t think we micromanage her silliness, only the naked thing and anything that gets to the point of really bothering DS. What I mean by behavior & me guiding her, it covers all areas, not just her being silly. For instance, I got her an Apple Watch so we could better coordinate pick-ups, such as me texting her “meet me at Lot A.” But DD will text me at say 3:25 when we’re supposed to meet at 3:30 with “where are you?” I’ve told her “I have NEVER forgotten to pick you up. At 3:25, I’m in the car on my way to you. I can’t even text you back because I’m driving. So what’s the point of texting me? Please DO NOT TEXT ME unless I’m 5 minutes or more late.” And yet she still keeps texting me like this. I have so many examples like this where I give her very clear direction and she does not follow them.

I think it’s just defiance. You should kind of controlling tbh

[Anonymous]

Op I'd rather this than the premature teen behavior I see in other 11 year olds I know.

[Anonymous]

Seems more like ADHD to me.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t even get her evaluated. For what? These evaluations are not helpful and super flawed. You’ll probably come out with an ADHD and anxiety disorder bc that is what most kids end up with in these 3 hr tests.

But what you are describing doesn’t sound pathological to me. Part immaturity, part personality. First, she shouldn’t have an Apple Watch. She is 11. Take that away until she is more mature and more socially aware. Plus this way when say you’ll be there at 3:30, she will have to choice but to sit and wait u til you show up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t even get her evaluated. For what? These evaluations are not helpful and super flawed. You’ll probably come out with an ADHD and anxiety disorder bc that is what most kids end up with in these 3 hr tests.

But what you are describing doesn’t sound pathological to me. Part immaturity, part personality. First, she shouldn’t have an Apple Watch. She is 11. Take that away until she is more mature and more socially aware. Plus this way when say you’ll be there at 3:30, she will have to choice but to sit and wait u til you show up.

New poster here. I agree, and I have had a neuropsych for my kid. What you are describing is maybe difficult, maybe personality, but not something that needs to be formally evaluated to the tune of a few grand. This forum is very quick to tell people to go get a neuropsych but you have to ask yourself what you will do with the information and whether it will change how you proceed. I would start with your ped if you are concerned.

[Anonymous]

I would say the best scenario in my opinion is this kid keeps being exactly who/how she is and she simply doesn't care what anyone thinks. There are much worse things. I'd loathe a kid that was a follower/fit in too well. If you're a parent of the latter ilk yourself, then this is going to be a tough road for everyone.

[Anonymous]

is she an autist?

[Anonymous]

I don’t think #2 has anything to do with what may be your other valid concerns. Plenty of completely typical, socially adjusted kids beg their parents for stuff like this over and over — including mine. Honestly, for my kid this has paid off with her teachers because she always manages to finagle something to help her (and usually the whole class) bring her grades up. Her teachers always talk about how good she is at “advocating for herself and others” while I’m rolling my eyes internally thinking my kids super power is badgering people to death.

[Anonymous]

The #1 stuff is a really dangerous way of "not reading the room" for an 11 year old. Potty jokes won't help her make friends or gain acceptance. Shaking her booty, nude or not, will be increasingly undesirable.

And laughing like she expects it yo be amusing to others.

But sure, she's just being herself.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like ASD and/or EF + being immature at age 11. You are correct that what you have been doing is not curbing the bad behaviors.

Including a neuro eval, maybe try a harder line. When she is bullying you into the play date ask you respond that the conversation is over and your decision was made. When she does something inappropriate that you have told her not do but have not reinforced other than frowning at her, you have a reaction that sticks. You take her apple watch away. You take away screen time. You make a punishment that really shows her that what is she is saying or doing is unacceptable. Give her warnings, but then you need to lay down the law. It sounds like, neuro issue or not, she is walking all over you and you are right to be concerned.