DD lack of social awareness

[Anonymous]

My DD11 has a lack of social awareness that causes problems both at home and at school. She doesn’t intuit what the other person is feeling or thinking and ends up saying the wrong thing, pushing too hard, and so on.

Examples: 1. DD has a lot of behavior that DH & I have told her many times “don’t do this”, with reasons, but she still does them regularly. For example, cracking potty jokes, or making inappropriate motions while naked, such as shaking her butt. DH and I NEVER laugh. In the moment, I’ll frown & look away, or tell her we don’t like that. At a different time when it’s just us two, I’ll remind her “hey you shouldn’t do this because we don’t flaunt our private parts.” But she never stops, and each time smiles and laughs at us as though we’ll enjoy it.

2. DD just texted me from school that she wants a play date with her friends *today*, let’s call them Lara and Larla.
Me: Okay, but not at our house because of XYZ. Lara & Larla can ask their moms to host.
DD: Ask them
Me: I’m not asking Lara & Larla’s mom to host. That’s me asking a favor. But L & L can ask their moms.
DD: Can they come to our house, please?

At that point, I told her if she asked me one more time, I was going to stop responding to her messages, so she stopped. But had I not given the ultimatum, she would have kept asking me to host, or to ask the other moms. I hate giving ultimatums, I think it’s a sh*tty way to parent, but it’s the only thing that works with her.

I have SO MANY examples like the above. This is in part, a family problem. I truly find that my guidance as a parent does not get through to her. I have tried to reinforce good behavior, negatively reinforce not good behavior in so many ways, and feel like it goes nowhere. I have a DS6 who despite being much younger & much more hyper, pays attention “enough” that I feel like he’s doing great. I feel like my parenting works with him 50% (to assign an arbitrary number), but with DD, it’s 5%. We just started therapy to get a therapist’s perspective, and I am planning to get a neuropsych evaluation done in case that gives us any answers.

This is also in part, a socialization problem among her peers. She tells us stories of what happened during the day and a lot of what she tells me involves her saying/doing things that are very cringe, and/or kids being unkind to her, which I believe is because she’s socially off. I think she tries hard to fit in and she’s sad that kids treat her poorly.

What do you do with a kid like this?

[Anonymous]

No diagnoses?

[Anonymous]

"This is also in part, a socialization problem among her peers. She tells us stories of what happened during the day and a lot of what she tells me involves her saying/doing things that are very cringe, and/or kids being unkind to her, which I believe is because she’s socially off. I think she tries hard to fit in and she’s sad that kids treat her poorly."

This part happens to my DD over and over again. My DD is definitely not autistic, she gets social cues (but maybe a bit inattentive ADHD). DH and I've tried for years to help her fit in better and it hasn't worked, so we think it's a combo of the other kids + my DD being the youngest in her grade with a late August birthday (last one is big, we really regret not holding her back). DD just wants to mother all the other kids and boss them around, but doesn't see why others don't like that. Her younger siblings hate it too. She also wants to tattle nonstop and can't understand why other kids are out of control and not following the rules. Sigh. We are trying to work on it at home a lot too, but I think it's just innate.

So long story short, it just might be your DD's personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"This is also in part, a socialization problem among her peers. She tells us stories of what happened during the day and a lot of what she tells me involves her saying/doing things that are very cringe, and/or kids being unkind to her, which I believe is because she’s socially off. I think she tries hard to fit in and she’s sad that kids treat her poorly."

This part happens to my DD over and over again. My DD is definitely not autistic, she gets social cues (but maybe a bit inattentive ADHD). DH and I've tried for years to help her fit in better and it hasn't worked, so we think it's a combo of the other kids + my DD being the youngest in her grade with a late August birthday (last one is big, we really regret not holding her back). DD just wants to mother all the other kids and boss them around, but doesn't see why others don't like that. Her younger siblings hate it too. She also wants to tattle nonstop and can't understand why other kids are out of control and not following the rules. Sigh. We are trying to work on it at home a lot too, but I think it's just innate.

So long story short, it just might be your DD's personality.

How do you work on it at home? Do you find certain approaches being more successful (even if marginally) than others? I’m at my wit’s end and would appreciate any advice.

[Anonymous]

I have a kid like this. It is their innate personality and not a diagnosable disorder. All you can do is give them tips for fitting in and hope that by the time they are in college they figure out social stuff.

Tbh, I don't think the socially sophisticated and poised kids are all that great. I know you compare your DD to them and wish she could act like that, but they are kind of boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD11 has a lack of social awareness that causes problems both at home and at school. She doesn’t intuit what the other person is feeling or thinking and ends up saying the wrong thing, pushing too hard, and so on.

Examples: 1. DD has a lot of behavior that DH & I have told her many times “don’t do this”, with reasons, but she still does them regularly. For example, cracking potty jokes, or making inappropriate motions while naked, such as shaking her butt. DH and I NEVER laugh. In the moment, I’ll frown & look away, or tell her we don’t like that. At a different time when it’s just us two, I’ll remind her “hey you shouldn’t do this because we don’t flaunt our private parts.” But she never stops, and each time smiles and laughs at us as though we’ll enjoy it.

2. DD just texted me from school that she wants a play date with her friends *today*, let’s call them Lara and Larla.
Me: Okay, but not at our house because of XYZ. Lara & Larla can ask their moms to host.
DD: Ask them
Me: I’m not asking Lara & Larla’s mom to host. That’s me asking a favor. But L & L can ask their moms.
DD: Can they come to our house, please?

At that point, I told her if she asked me one more time, I was going to stop responding to her messages, so she stopped. But had I not given the ultimatum, she would have kept asking me to host, or to ask the other moms. I hate giving ultimatums, I think it’s a sh*tty way to parent, but it’s the only thing that works with her.

I have SO MANY examples like the above. This is in part, a family problem. I truly find that my guidance as a parent does not get through to her. I have tried to reinforce good behavior, negatively reinforce not good behavior in so many ways, and feel like it goes nowhere. I have a DS6 who despite being much younger & much more hyper, pays attention “enough” that I feel like he’s doing great. I feel like my parenting works with him 50% (to assign an arbitrary number), but with DD, it’s 5%. We just started therapy to get a therapist’s perspective, and I am planning to get a neuropsych evaluation done in case that gives us any answers.

This is also in part, a socialization problem among her peers. She tells us stories of what happened during the day and a lot of what she tells me involves her saying/doing things that are very cringe, and/or kids being unkind to her, which I believe is because she’s socially off. I think she tries hard to fit in and she’s sad that kids treat her poorly.

What do you do with a kid like this?

Just in case it makes you feel any better, my DD 11 does #2 ALL THE TIME. It also drives me insane. She would never do #1 and is very socially adept, lots of friends and gets along well with everyone. I say this only to point out that you may be combining unrelated annoying habits your daughter has that aren't actually attributable to a single thing.

[Anonymous]

This sounds mean and I could be totally off base, but are you and your dh every silly/fun? My kids wouldn’t do that stuff naked at that age, but they did when they were young and we thought it was silly. We laugh at farts and aren’t uptight if the house isn’t clean enough to have guests. Are you sure she just isn’t just a more free spirited kid and desperate for a connection? Again the naked thing is not super normal for that age, but if she’s been with uptight parents then maybe she’s just trying to push the envelope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a kid like this. It is their innate personality and not a diagnosable disorder. All you can do is give them tips for fitting in and hope that by the time they are in college they figure out social stuff.

Tbh, I don't think the socially sophisticated and poised kids are all that great. I know you compare your DD to them and wish she could act like that, but they are kind of boring.

This is OP. I spend a lot of time with DD & her classmates at play dates & volunteering at school, so I know what kids are like at this age. I’m not wishing she be socially polished & sophisticated. I also know saying socially inept & off things is to an extent normal, so I don’t hold her to an unrealistic standard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD11 has a lack of social awareness that causes problems both at home and at school. She doesn’t intuit what the other person is feeling or thinking and ends up saying the wrong thing, pushing too hard, and so on.

Examples: 1. DD has a lot of behavior that DH & I have told her many times “don’t do this”, with reasons, but she still does them regularly. For example, cracking potty jokes, or making inappropriate motions while naked, such as shaking her butt. DH and I NEVER laugh. In the moment, I’ll frown & look away, or tell her we don’t like that. At a different time when it’s just us two, I’ll remind her “hey you shouldn’t do this because we don’t flaunt our private parts.” But she never stops, and each time smiles and laughs at us as though we’ll enjoy it.

2. DD just texted me from school that she wants a play date with her friends *today*, let’s call them Lara and Larla.
Me: Okay, but not at our house because of XYZ. Lara & Larla can ask their moms to host.
DD: Ask them
Me: I’m not asking Lara & Larla’s mom to host. That’s me asking a favor. But L & L can ask their moms.
DD: Can they come to our house, please?

At that point, I told her if she asked me one more time, I was going to stop responding to her messages, so she stopped. But had I not given the ultimatum, she would have kept asking me to host, or to ask the other moms. I hate giving ultimatums, I think it’s a sh*tty way to parent, but it’s the only thing that works with her.

I have SO MANY examples like the above. This is in part, a family problem. I truly find that my guidance as a parent does not get through to her. I have tried to reinforce good behavior, negatively reinforce not good behavior in so many ways, and feel like it goes nowhere. I have a DS6 who despite being much younger & much more hyper, pays attention “enough” that I feel like he’s doing great. I feel like my parenting works with him 50% (to assign an arbitrary number), but with DD, it’s 5%. We just started therapy to get a therapist’s perspective, and I am planning to get a neuropsych evaluation done in case that gives us any answers.

This is also in part, a socialization problem among her peers. She tells us stories of what happened during the day and a lot of what she tells me involves her saying/doing things that are very cringe, and/or kids being unkind to her, which I believe is because she’s socially off. I think she tries hard to fit in and she’s sad that kids treat her poorly.

What do you do with a kid like this?

Just in case it makes you feel any better, my DD 11 does #2 ALL THE TIME. It also drives me insane. She would never do #1 and is very socially adept, lots of friends and gets along well with everyone. I say this only to point out that you may be combining unrelated annoying habits your daughter has that aren't actually attributable to a single thing.

This is OP, and you’re correct. There are a few things going on, and they overlap, but not necessarily one cause.

[Anonymous]

This does just sound like social immaturity, rather than any type of ADHD/autism/other disorder, if that's what you're wondering about. I have a DC who is also on the socially immature end of the normal spectrum but in different ways. You ask what to do - I would NOT give a phone at this age, especially if she is impulsive or prone to saying "cringe-y" things. I agree with suggestions to look for ways to build connection. Development can be pretty uneven - she may well outgrow this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds mean and I could be totally off base, but are you and your dh every silly/fun? My kids wouldn’t do that stuff naked at that age, but they did when they were young and we thought it was silly. We laugh at farts and aren’t uptight if the house isn’t clean enough to have guests. Are you sure she just isn’t just a more free spirited kid and desperate for a connection? Again the naked thing is not super normal for that age, but if she’s been with uptight parents then maybe she’s just trying to push the envelope

This is OP, and no I don’t think you sound mean, but this is off base. My DH is silly, I’m less silly, but not zero silly. I wouldn’t mind fart/potty jokes, but DD takes it too far. Since she doesn’t get the nuance, it’s just easier for me to tell her to stop altogether the fart/potty jokes rather than say “well, it’s okay in this situation, but not this situation.” Example of taking things too far: we got home at 10 pm, which is late for DD, but really late for DS, who was crashing. DS was in bed, and DD came to his bedroom and farted at him. DS started crying. DD started laughing at him. DH said to DD “It’s late. Go fart in your own room” in a calm voice. DD left, then came back and farted in DS’s room again. DH now was annoyed and firmly told her to go to her own room. DD got upset, came to me & and said that DH was being mean to her and “slammed” the door in her face (DH said he didn’t even close the door).

I do think she is trying for connection. But I don’t think that doing things that we repeatedly tell her we’re not okay with is the way to go. I also don’t think we micromanage her silliness, only the naked thing and anything that gets to the point of really bothering DS. What I mean by behavior & me guiding her, it covers all areas, not just her being silly. For instance, I got her an Apple Watch so we could better coordinate pick-ups, such as me texting her “meet me at Lot A.” But DD will text me at say 3:25 when we’re supposed to meet at 3:30 with “where are you?” I’ve told her “I have NEVER forgotten to pick you up. At 3:25, I’m in the car on my way to you. I can’t even text you back because I’m driving. So what’s the point of texting me? Please DO NOT TEXT ME unless I’m 5 minutes or more late.” And yet she still keeps texting me like this. I have so many examples like this where I give her very clear direction and she does not follow them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds mean and I could be totally off base, but are you and your dh every silly/fun? My kids wouldn’t do that stuff naked at that age, but they did when they were young and we thought it was silly. We laugh at farts and aren’t uptight if the house isn’t clean enough to have guests. Are you sure she just isn’t just a more free spirited kid and desperate for a connection? Again the naked thing is not super normal for that age, but if she’s been with uptight parents then maybe she’s just trying to push the envelope

This is OP, and no I don’t think you sound mean, but this is off base. My DH is silly, I’m less silly, but not zero silly. I wouldn’t mind fart/potty jokes, but DD takes it too far. Since she doesn’t get the nuance, it’s just easier for me to tell her to stop altogether the fart/potty jokes rather than say “well, it’s okay in this situation, but not this situation.” Example of taking things too far: we got home at 10 pm, which is late for DD, but really late for DS, who was crashing. DS was in bed, and DD came to his bedroom and farted at him. DS started crying. DD started laughing at him. DH said to DD “It’s late. Go fart in your own room” in a calm voice. DD left, then came back and farted in DS’s room again. DH now was annoyed and firmly told her to go to her own room. DD got upset, came to me & and said that DH was being mean to her and “slammed” the door in her face (DH said he didn’t even close the door).

I do think she is trying for connection. But I don’t think that doing things that we repeatedly tell her we’re not okay with is the way to go. I also don’t think we micromanage her silliness, only the naked thing and anything that gets to the point of really bothering DS. What I mean by behavior & me guiding her, it covers all areas, not just her being silly. For instance, I got her an Apple Watch so we could better coordinate pick-ups, such as me texting her “meet me at Lot A.” But DD will text me at say 3:25 when we’re supposed to meet at 3:30 with “where are you?” I’ve told her “I have NEVER forgotten to pick you up. At 3:25, I’m in the car on my way to you. I can’t even text you back because I’m driving. So what’s the point of texting me? Please DO NOT TEXT ME unless I’m 5 minutes or more late.” And yet she still keeps texting me like this. I have so many examples like this where I give her very clear direction and she does not follow them.

You’re responding to my post—the clarification makes sense. It does sound like she’s not “reading the room” —it could just be immaturity.

FWIW My teens don’t always follow my clear and rational directions either But I can see how your dd seems a little over the top.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think her birthday has anything to do with it. Some of my daughter’s friends were born in September, November, December and there was never any differences. They choose friends based on things like maturity level not actual age.

She needs to find activities with kids that have similar attributes and interests. Please don’t say you’ve got her in team sports. Does she have some interests?

[Anonymous]

I am sorry. This doesn't just sound like "silliness." Or not "reading the room." There's defiance there too. You can't succeed trying to micromanage this with "reason." Please consider getting the evaluation asap.

[Anonymous]

In terms of managing the silliness you need to get that under control now. My son was like this & it was hard but he’d 25 now and perfectly fine. This was years ago but we took away Nickelodeon and Disney Channel for a while, like almost a year because of the showing off behavior and made it clear that it wasn’t acceptable to act like that in real life. Also important to not swoop in when peers correct behavior when she takes it too far. It really helps them learn how to behave properly. Puberty definitely helped though.