Have your Adult Children moved away by choice to get away from you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moving closer geographically may be easier for everyone in your elder years. Less distance makes eldercare easier.

A child who moves far away from a parent fo get away from them doesn’t want to be responsible for the elder care of the parent they don’t want to be near.

If they don't want the eldercare responsibility, they should not want the inheritance. It's a package deal.

I know kids who provided eldercare to terrible parents (at their own great personal cost) and got a pittance of the inheritance. I don't think anyone can expect a quid pro quo here, especially with eccentric/selfish parents. Those qualities only get worse with age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moving closer geographically may be easier for everyone in your elder years. Less distance makes eldercare easier.

A child who moves far away from a parent fo get away from them doesn’t want to be responsible for the elder care of the parent they don’t want to be near.

If they don't want the eldercare responsibility, they should not want the inheritance. It's a package deal.

If my parents wanted familial eldercare, they shouldn't have abused me as a child and into adulthood. They probably won't give me any inheritance as a final "f*** you." Up to them.

That's fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I my kids moved away to get away from me, I would not move close to them. Why would you follow them? Seems like the relationship is already strained, why uproot your life for that. I don't think it would make the relationship better. And you will probably end up resentful that you moved to be closer to them and still not have a great relationship. Look long and hard at who you are and try to address the reason why it is strained.

Probably you'll see data showing mixed results so weigh your options and then decide. You might regret moving there or you might regret not giving it a try. Being a caring parent to adult kids isn't easy. My advice would be to only do it if you can financially survive the hit of the move, without becoming destitute in your elder years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I live in fear that my widowed mom will move closer to me. I definitely don't think this is a good strategy to improve an already strained relationship. If you can't get along with your kids from a distance, it's not going to get better if you move to the same town. I guess the only positive I see is that visits could be shorter (like meeting for a meal) as opposed to stressful multi-day hosting events that go on way too long for anyone's good).

Why do you think your kid moved to get away from you?

Unfortunately there comes a day when you have to be pretty hands on with your pretty old (by then) parent so it’s easier to be close

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moving closer geographically may be easier for everyone in your elder years. Less distance makes eldercare easier.

I can’t imagine my kid being open to ensuring that I have access to compassionate care in old age.

Which is sad.

It doesn’t work like that, not quite. Either you move closer to them or they move you to where they want you to be.
Kids don’t usually move to be closer to their parent in old age

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:no, my father was a really terrible person and me and my siblings all moved FAR away from where we grew up and limited contact once we moved away. Honestly, he was so self centered and my mom was so enmeshed with him that i honestly don't think they missed any of us when we moved away.

I am sad that i don't see my own kids more. One lives relatively close (same state) while the others live farther away. Over Christmas, we had a heart to heart where my kids were like 'We love you but we also want to use our leave to visit our friends and attend weddings and see the world. Just like you did when you were our age." And they had a point.

Take them on a trip with you if you can, it’s more fun than coming to one’s hometown (for many)

[Anonymous]

I moved away form my Mom. After 20 years she moved down the street from me. It's been fine. I keep her busy with the kids so she doesn't hyperfixate on me too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I moved away form my Mom. After 20 years she moved down the street from me. It's been fine. I keep her busy with the kids so she doesn't hyperfixate on me too much.

how old is mom?

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh, my mom recently moved ~7h drive away. Is she trying to get away from me??? I'll have to let her know I'm very disappointed XD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh gosh, my mom recently moved ~7h drive away. Is she trying to get away from me??? I'll have to let her know I'm very disappointed XD

Wait until she has a medical emergency, 7 hrs is going to seem like more when you are driving back and forth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moving closer geographically may be easier for everyone in your elder years. Less distance makes eldercare easier.

A child who moves far away from a parent fo get away from them doesn’t want to be responsible for the elder care of the parent they don’t want to be near.

If they don't want the eldercare responsibility, they should not want the inheritance. It's a package deal.

You do realize many people don't get an inheritance right? And it's often those whose parents lived so irresponsibly they also don't have money for eldercare.

[Anonymous]

My eldest son studied abroad in college and returned there after graduation because he had a serious job offer there. He has now stayed there for over a decade and got married to his wife that he met there.

I think he did it to get away from “here” which was too small of a box for him to live in.

I don’t think he did it to get away from “me” because he is now trying to get back here to live in my house and inherit it from me (or whatever) but currently all immigration is all sorts of chaos right now.

It’s like “it was the best of times, it was the worst of times” all over again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I my kids moved away to get away from me, I would not move close to them. Why would you follow them? Seems like the relationship is already strained, why uproot your life for that. I don't think it would make the relationship better. And you will probably end up resentful that you moved to be closer to them and still not have a great relationship. Look long and hard at who you are and try to address the reason why it is strained.

Probably you'll see data showing mixed results so weigh your options and then decide. You might regret moving there or you might regret not giving it a try. Being a caring parent to adult kids isn't easy. My advice would be to only do it if you can financially survive the hit of the move, without becoming destitute in your elder years.

My parents moved closer to us in the last years due to fact that they needed help. They did try to be better people in the 11th hour, if only out of need. I mostly remember them at their worst. My kids saw us being decent to our elders in need.

[Anonymous]

My brothers and sisters, ten of us, live within 1 mile from our parents who live in McLean. We promised that we would live close to them until they are no longer with us. I broke up with a few women because they wanted me to move to California. I finally found someone who also wanted to live close to her parents. My wife's parents live in Vienna, so it works out for both of us. I can't imagine not seeing my parents and my in-law at least once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moving closer geographically may be easier for everyone in your elder years. Less distance makes eldercare easier.

If you have the financial means, you can easily manage from a distance.

I would not move myself somewhere I dont want to live. One kid lives 1600miles from us (near where they attended college) and the other is finishing college and likely will end up 2K+ miles with the job prospects. They would love to live near us, but are focusing on their career and job opportunities for now. The older one we see for 30-45 days each year, sometime more, and this is with a kid who has to report to the office spare their vacation days and 5 "work from home days" yearly.
Key is to invite them on vacations with you and pay if they want to fly "home" for a weekend/work from there for a week.

But if my kid move away to "get away from me" I wouldn't follow. That would never help solve the issue