Self centered ILs and DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Venting here. I got to the point of saturation. ILs always talking and behaving as if they were the center of the universe: it’s them and their cars, their house, their food, their intestines (yes, FIL brings the topic to the table or to tea time), their furniture, their lawn.
They never ask me how I feel. They never send their condolences when my mother passed. They never asked me how I feel. Instead, they criticized the weeds popping up on the lawn surrounding the kitchen garden I created.

Now my husband is repeatedly saying how much better he feels after a visit to the urgent care (had acid reflux). He never asked me how I feel after my ER visit (I had an anaphylactic shock). When we go out for dinner/lunch, he doesn’t initiate a conversation unless I bring his key topic: money.

Your DH doesn’t sound very talkative and doesn’t initiate conversation anyways.

I’m autistic and I don’t generally initiate conversations or ask people questions - which is initiating conversation. If you have something to say why don’t you just say it unprompted like he does. Why do you want him to take a census?

His parents are unthoughtful old people who talk too much. Why be bothered about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean this gently and with sincere curiosity, aimed at understanding more and offering helpful advice and commiseration:

Was DH like this when you dated/were first married? Or is this a new behavior, or a behavior that has popped up with age and over time?

Forget your ILs: they are old people who don’t actually need to matter to you, at all. They’re not going to change.

But with DH, it’s important to know if this is how he’s been all along, or if this is increasing/a new behavior.

It’s an increasing frequency of behavior.
He thinks the low fat, low sodium meals I prepare are just for him. We are a family of four.

Trying to imagine the scenerio-- your family sits down for dinner and he takes all the food? If so, he gets served last.

This was my father. He would take an enormous portion, scarf it down and then start grabbing off our plates. To this day my sister and I eat in about 60 seconds because we grew up that way. My mother would yell at him but he ignored her.
He grabs off his grandkids plates now. He's eaten himself into kidney dialysis. Hope your husband makes a lot of money OP.

Preach. I am also a very fast eater from a large family with multiple brothers. I tell my kids now they are lucky. They take hours to eat. They aren’t used to food rivalry and scarcity

[Anonymous]

Why can't you cook enough for everyone? If there are leftovers, freeze them for another time.

As far as your ILs go, it seems they are lesser problem compared to your husband. If you opened another battleground, you wouldn't be able to fix your connect with your husband and it would be a moot point.

As far as you not being sympathetic after his visit to ER when you his lack of sympathy after yours hurt you is self sabotage. If you want to stay in this odd relationship, you should show with your behavior how empaths behave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean this gently and with sincere curiosity, aimed at understanding more and offering helpful advice and commiseration:

Was DH like this when you dated/were first married? Or is this a new behavior, or a behavior that has popped up with age and over time?

Forget your ILs: they are old people who don’t actually need to matter to you, at all. They’re not going to change.

But with DH, it’s important to know if this is how he’s been all along, or if this is increasing/a new behavior.

It’s an increasing frequency of behavior.
He thinks the low fat, low sodium meals I prepare are just for him. We are a family of four.

Trying to imagine the scenerio-- your family sits down for dinner and he takes all the food? If so, he gets served last.

This was my father. He would take an enormous portion, scarf it down and then start grabbing off our plates. To this day my sister and I eat in about 60 seconds because we grew up that way. My mother would yell at him but he ignored her.
He grabs off his grandkids plates now. He's eaten himself into kidney dialysis. Hope your husband makes a lot of money OP.

Preach. I am also a very fast eater from a large family with multiple brothers. I tell my kids now they are lucky. They take hours to eat. They aren’t used to food rivalry and scarcity

I'm from an eastern culture where poor parents tried to feed their portions to their kids so parents taking from kids sounds odd and cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get out now. I’m serious.

And don’t have kids with him

DP

Its a family of four so likely she already did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Venting here. I got to the point of saturation. ILs always talking and behaving as if they were the center of the universe: it’s them and their cars, their house, their food, their intestines (yes, FIL brings the topic to the table or to tea time), their furniture, their lawn.
They never ask me how I feel. They never send their condolences when my mother passed. They never asked me how I feel. Instead, they criticized the weeds popping up on the lawn surrounding the kitchen garden I created.

Now my husband is repeatedly saying how much better he feels after a visit to the urgent care (had acid reflux). He never asked me how I feel after my ER visit (I had an anaphylactic shock). When we go out for dinner/lunch, he doesn’t initiate a conversation unless I bring his key topic: money.

Your DH doesn’t sound very talkative and doesn’t initiate conversation anyways.

I’m autistic and I don’t generally initiate conversations or ask people questions - which is initiating conversation. If you have something to say why don’t you just say it unprompted like he does. Why do you want him to take a census?

His parents are unthoughtful old people who talk too much. Why be bothered about that?

It’s exhausting being the only one capable of starting or having a conversation at every meal, car ride, sitting around. Totally exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean this gently and with sincere curiosity, aimed at understanding more and offering helpful advice and commiseration:

Was DH like this when you dated/were first married? Or is this a new behavior, or a behavior that has popped up with age and over time?

Forget your ILs: they are old people who don’t actually need to matter to you, at all. They’re not going to change.

But with DH, it’s important to know if this is how he’s been all along, or if this is increasing/a new behavior.

It’s an increasing frequency of behavior.
He thinks the low fat, low sodium meals I prepare are just for him. We are a family of four.

Trying to imagine the scenerio-- your family sits down for dinner and he takes all the food? If so, he gets served last.

This was my father. He would take an enormous portion, scarf it down and then start grabbing off our plates. To this day my sister and I eat in about 60 seconds because we grew up that way. My mother would yell at him but he ignored her.
He grabs off his grandkids plates now. He's eaten himself into kidney dialysis. Hope your husband makes a lot of money OP.

Preach. I am also a very fast eater from a large family with multiple brothers. I tell my kids now they are lucky. They take hours to eat. They aren’t used to food rivalry and scarcity

I'm from an eastern culture where poor parents tried to feed their portions to their kids so parents taking from kids sounds odd and cruel.

It IS cruel, inconsiderate, and self centered in most cultures.

Even if you are autistic or adhd or have “food noise” stop being a greedy, selfish pig.

You probably fart more too, all that inhaling food faster than everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean this gently and with sincere curiosity, aimed at understanding more and offering helpful advice and commiseration:

Was DH like this when you dated/were first married? Or is this a new behavior, or a behavior that has popped up with age and over time?

Forget your ILs: they are old people who don’t actually need to matter to you, at all. They’re not going to change.

But with DH, it’s important to know if this is how he’s been all along, or if this is increasing/a new behavior.

It’s an increasing frequency of behavior.
He thinks the low fat, low sodium meals I prepare are just for him. We are a family of four.

Trying to imagine the scenerio-- your family sits down for dinner and he takes all the food? If so, he gets served last.

This was my father. He would take an enormous portion, scarf it down and then start grabbing off our plates. To this day my sister and I eat in about 60 seconds because we grew up that way. My mother would yell at him but he ignored her.
He grabs off his grandkids plates now. He's eaten himself into kidney dialysis. Hope your husband makes a lot of money OP.

Wtf

What terrible manners. Did his parents give up on teaching him basic courtesies? Or is he a bully all the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Venting here. I got to the point of saturation. ILs always talking and behaving as if they were the center of the universe: it’s them and their cars, their house, their food, their intestines (yes, FIL brings the topic to the table or to tea time), their furniture, their lawn.
They never ask me how I feel. They never send their condolences when my mother passed. They never asked me how I feel. Instead, they criticized the weeds popping up on the lawn surrounding the kitchen garden I created.

Now my husband is repeatedly saying how much better he feels after a visit to the urgent care (had acid reflux). He never asked me how I feel after my ER visit (I had an anaphylactic shock). When we go out for dinner/lunch, he doesn’t initiate a conversation unless I bring his key topic: money.

Yes they’re self centered but in a lack of empathy or communication way. So don’t count of them for that. Maybe they’re on the spectrum, and don’t know what’s socially acceptable to do or say in various moments.

Now if they were behaving selfish if and with malice that would be different. People get very hurt, money goes missing, people are mistreated deliberately, help is asked for and denied.

Actually it does not matter the cluelessness vs malice. The effect on others is the same: bad, hurtful, destabilizing, crazy making.

Instead of accommodating dysfunction, the person with the selfish habit, upon having it identified and point out, now has a CHOICE: they either deliberately manager their symptoms or they deliberately choose not to.

Then you know it’s on purpose. They didn’t bother to get help, put systems in place to remember, nor out in any level of sustained effort.