Self centered ILs and DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean this gently and with sincere curiosity, aimed at understanding more and offering helpful advice and commiseration:

Was DH like this when you dated/were first married? Or is this a new behavior, or a behavior that has popped up with age and over time?

Forget your ILs: they are old people who don’t actually need to matter to you, at all. They’re not going to change.

But with DH, it’s important to know if this is how he’s been all along, or if this is increasing/a new behavior.

It’s an increasing frequency of behavior.
He thinks the low fat, low sodium meals I prepare are just for him. We are a family of four.

Trying to imagine the scenerio-- your family sits down for dinner and he takes all the food? If so, he gets served last.

This was my father. He would take an enormous portion, scarf it down and then start grabbing off our plates. To this day my sister and I eat in about 60 seconds because we grew up that way. My mother would yell at him but he ignored her.
He grabs off his grandkids plates now. He's eaten himself into kidney dialysis. Hope your husband makes a lot of money OP.

[Anonymous]

You married poorly.
Strange you’re just now noticing all of these poor characteristics.

[Anonymous]

It will get worse as he gets older OP. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean this gently and with sincere curiosity, aimed at understanding more and offering helpful advice and commiseration:

Was DH like this when you dated/were first married? Or is this a new behavior, or a behavior that has popped up with age and over time?

Forget your ILs: they are old people who don’t actually need to matter to you, at all. They’re not going to change.

But with DH, it’s important to know if this is how he’s been all along, or if this is increasing/a new behavior.

It’s an increasing frequency of behavior.
He thinks the low fat, low sodium meals I prepare are just for him. We are a family of four.

Trying to imagine the scenerio-- your family sits down for dinner and he takes all the food? If so, he gets served last.

My new strategy is to sit with kids first and not waiting for him to get home ( since he doesn’t bother to call me when he’s delayed). I no longer wait for him.

He does this even at tea time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Venting here. I got to the point of saturation. ILs always talking and behaving as if they were the center of the universe: it’s them and their cars, their house, their food, their intestines (yes, FIL brings the topic to the table or to tea time), their furniture, their lawn.
They never ask me how I feel. They never send their condolences when my mother passed. They never asked me how I feel. Instead, they criticized the weeds popping up on the lawn surrounding the kitchen garden I created.

Now my husband is repeatedly saying how much better he feels after a visit to the urgent care (had acid reflux). He never asked me how I feel after my ER visit (I had an anaphylactic shock). When we go out for dinner/lunch, he doesn’t initiate a conversation unless I bring his key topic: money.

Yes they’re self centered but in a lack of empathy or communication way. So don’t count of them for that. Maybe they’re on the spectrum, and don’t know what’s socially acceptable to do or say in various moments.

Now if they were behaving selfish if and with malice that would be different. People get very hurt, money goes missing, people are mistreated deliberately, help is asked for and denied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If not already, you will soon feel little more than distain to your husband unless you speak up and demand changes. And he might be unwilling or incapable. Don't be a martyr, fight for the life of dignity and partnership and caring that you deserve by being an active, vocal participant in your pursuit of happiness. If your husband shows little willingness to hear you and make changes then get out of the marriage.

Try a joint communications therapy class and up this in the bud. He should be greeting family members, having back & forth conversations, listening and building on conversations/ not avoiding them/ not redirecting them to his favorite topic (work or money), he should be more caring and more of a Caretaker role of his spouse.

[Anonymous]

Even if they’re on the autism spectrum, the communication theory and new habits (which should be instinctive), will help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If not already, you will soon feel little more than distain to your husband unless you speak up and demand changes. And he might be unwilling or incapable. Don't be a martyr, fight for the life of dignity and partnership and caring that you deserve by being an active, vocal participant in your pursuit of happiness. If your husband shows little willingness to hear you and make changes then get out of the marriage.

Thank you. Your words are very helpful.
I feel he takes my feedback as an attack, and it’s difficult for him to understand that all I want is an open, respectful, honest communication.

Yikes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get out now. I’m serious.

And don’t have kids with him

DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean this gently and with sincere curiosity, aimed at understanding more and offering helpful advice and commiseration:

Was DH like this when you dated/were first married? Or is this a new behavior, or a behavior that has popped up with age and over time?

Forget your ILs: they are old people who don’t actually need to matter to you, at all. They’re not going to change.

But with DH, it’s important to know if this is how he’s been all along, or if this is increasing/a new behavior.

It’s an increasing frequency of behavior.
He thinks the low fat, low sodium meals I prepare are just for him. We are a family of four.

Trying to imagine the scenerio-- your family sits down for dinner and he takes all the food? If so, he gets served last.

My new strategy is to sit with kids first and not waiting for him to get home ( since he doesn’t bother to call me when he’s delayed). I no longer wait for him.

Look up NT/AS relationships and see if anything rings a bell (neurotypical/ aspergers or autism I)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean this gently and with sincere curiosity, aimed at understanding more and offering helpful advice and commiseration:

Was DH like this when you dated/were first married? Or is this a new behavior, or a behavior that has popped up with age and over time?

Forget your ILs: they are old people who don’t actually need to matter to you, at all. They’re not going to change.

But with DH, it’s important to know if this is how he’s been all along, or if this is increasing/a new behavior.

It’s an increasing frequency of behavior.
He thinks the low fat, low sodium meals I prepare are just for him. We are a family of four.

Trying to imagine the scenerio-- your family sits down for dinner and he takes all the food? If so, he gets served last.

My new strategy is to sit with kids first and not waiting for him to get home ( since he doesn’t bother to call me when he’s delayed). I no longer wait for him.

He does this even at tea time?

Do you lack awareness of non-American cultures? It's how the British and others in the Commonwealth frequently refer to what we call "dinner."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean this gently and with sincere curiosity, aimed at understanding more and offering helpful advice and commiseration:

Was DH like this when you dated/were first married? Or is this a new behavior, or a behavior that has popped up with age and over time?

Forget your ILs: they are old people who don’t actually need to matter to you, at all. They’re not going to change.

But with DH, it’s important to know if this is how he’s been all along, or if this is increasing/a new behavior.

It’s an increasing frequency of behavior.
He thinks the low fat, low sodium meals I prepare are just for him. We are a family of four.

Trying to imagine the scenerio-- your family sits down for dinner and he takes all the food? If so, he gets served last.

My new strategy is to sit with kids first and not waiting for him to get home ( since he doesn’t bother to call me when he’s delayed). I no longer wait for him.

He does this even at tea time?

Do you lack awareness of non-American cultures? It's how the British and others in the Commonwealth frequently refer to what we call "dinner."

Sounds like a cultural issue then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get out now. I’m serious.

And don’t have kids with him

DP

Should she travel to the past?

[Anonymous]

Tea time is not dinner time in England. Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tea time is not dinner time in England. Come on.

lol. That’s what I was thinking. Tea time is just that - Tea time!