Self centered ILs and DH

[Anonymous]

Venting here. I got to the point of saturation. ILs always talking and behaving as if they were the center of the universe: it’s them and their cars, their house, their food, their intestines (yes, FIL brings the topic to the table or to tea time), their furniture, their lawn.
They never ask me how I feel. They never send their condolences when my mother passed. They never asked me how I feel. Instead, they criticized the weeds popping up on the lawn surrounding the kitchen garden I created.

Now my husband is repeatedly saying how much better he feels after a visit to the urgent care (had acid reflux). He never asked me how I feel after my ER visit (I had an anaphylactic shock). When we go out for dinner/lunch, he doesn’t initiate a conversation unless I bring his key topic: money.

[Anonymous]

You need to point this out to him, every time it happens. It's hard for self-centered people to realize they're self-centered if no one brings it up!

[Anonymous]

I mean this gently and with sincere curiosity, aimed at understanding more and offering helpful advice and commiseration:

Was DH like this when you dated/were first married? Or is this a new behavior, or a behavior that has popped up with age and over time?

Forget your ILs: they are old people who don’t actually need to matter to you, at all. They’re not going to change.

But with DH, it’s important to know if this is how he’s been all along, or if this is increasing/a new behavior.

[Anonymous]

oh mine are the same. worst is no sorry for an immediate family death

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean this gently and with sincere curiosity, aimed at understanding more and offering helpful advice and commiseration:

Was DH like this when you dated/were first married? Or is this a new behavior, or a behavior that has popped up with age and over time?

Forget your ILs: they are old people who don’t actually need to matter to you, at all. They’re not going to change.

But with DH, it’s important to know if this is how he’s been all along, or if this is increasing/a new behavior.

It’s an increasing frequency of behavior.
He thinks the low fat, low sodium meals I prepare are just for him. We are a family of four.

[Anonymous]

If not already, you will soon feel little more than distain to your husband unless you speak up and demand changes. And he might be unwilling or incapable. Don't be a martyr, fight for the life of dignity and partnership and caring that you deserve by being an active, vocal participant in your pursuit of happiness. If your husband shows little willingness to hear you and make changes then get out of the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Knowing that his primary focus is money, if you edge toward divorce you better get your ducks in a row early. He will likely be one of those guys who's primary goal will be consolidating and keeping his money.

[Anonymous]

Tea time? Are these fancy folk problems?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If not already, you will soon feel little more than distain to your husband unless you speak up and demand changes. And he might be unwilling or incapable. Don't be a martyr, fight for the life of dignity and partnership and caring that you deserve by being an active, vocal participant in your pursuit of happiness. If your husband shows little willingness to hear you and make changes then get out of the marriage.

Thank you. Your words are very helpful.
I feel he takes my feedback as an attack, and it’s difficult for him to understand that all I want is an open, respectful, honest communication.

[Anonymous]

Martial counseling? My nonprofessional counseling tip is to befriend balanced couples so he can understand how healthy relationships work.

[Anonymous]

As far as your ILs go, mentally ignore their issues unless they live with you. In that case, draw healthy boundaries.

[Anonymous]

If they criticize weed in your garden, give them weed pullers.

[Anonymous]

Get out now. I’m serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean this gently and with sincere curiosity, aimed at understanding more and offering helpful advice and commiseration:

Was DH like this when you dated/were first married? Or is this a new behavior, or a behavior that has popped up with age and over time?

Forget your ILs: they are old people who don’t actually need to matter to you, at all. They’re not going to change.

But with DH, it’s important to know if this is how he’s been all along, or if this is increasing/a new behavior.

It’s an increasing frequency of behavior.
He thinks the low fat, low sodium meals I prepare are just for him. We are a family of four.

Trying to imagine the scenerio-- your family sits down for dinner and he takes all the food? If so, he gets served last.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean this gently and with sincere curiosity, aimed at understanding more and offering helpful advice and commiseration:

Was DH like this when you dated/were first married? Or is this a new behavior, or a behavior that has popped up with age and over time?

Forget your ILs: they are old people who don’t actually need to matter to you, at all. They’re not going to change.

But with DH, it’s important to know if this is how he’s been all along, or if this is increasing/a new behavior.

It’s an increasing frequency of behavior.
He thinks the low fat, low sodium meals I prepare are just for him. We are a family of four.

Trying to imagine the scenerio-- your family sits down for dinner and he takes all the food? If so, he gets served last.

My new strategy is to sit with kids first and not waiting for him to get home ( since he doesn’t bother to call me when he’s delayed). I no longer wait for him.