The crushing guilt of not being able to give my kids a better education

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.

My kids will be set for a high performing, excellent high school because that’s where I teach. They’ll be able to go for free to a really exceptional school (again, not in DMV). I just need to get them through this crappy elementary school.

Do online https://www.ixl.com/ or https://www.khanacademy.org/
for cheaper in person you can try https://www.kumon.com/

[Anonymous]

Even in a rural area, one can supplement outside school.

For reading, take kids to the library 1-2 times per month and have them checkout books to read, maybe at least one factual book and at least one fiction book each.

For math, workbooks can help ensure kids get enough practice (because even top public schools often do not provide enough practice). They need not be accelerated, but they do need to memorize how to do math and math facts (multiplication tables).

If there are museums, those also are great.

[Anonymous]

You’re very motivated and hopefully you’ve kept your kids motivated. That’s worth a lot more than a better school. The internet has immensely improved parent’s ability to help their children learn. There’s all kinds of information on where your child should be, how to help them get there.

Not everyone does well in private schools and supported kids with drive in low performing schools are successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this OP. I'm just so sad about the low quality education my kid is getting. We tutor and supplement at home, but what they're learning is so far below grade level. All of the classroom kids do poorly on their standardized tests because they aren't taught that material because some kids are still illiterate in 3rd grade, can't do basic math. The teacher is basically only teaching remedial math. I have 3 kids and 20k a year for private is just out of our budget. I wish charter schools or magnet schools were allowed.

Yes! It took me a long time to realize that the teacher was teaching the lowest kids and neglecting the middle to top achievers. I guess I just assumed being in a well-off, well-educated area must provide my kid with a better education than I got in a small town full of high school drop outs and alcoholics.

I'm in a nice middle-class town in flyover country next to the towns with the "good" school districts. There is no within-grade "gifted" education anywhere in our county's public schools. We have math acceleration tracking starting in 6th grade and that's about it unless a kid is two grade levels above and then you can get them an IEP of sorts. Educators in our area have bought heavily into the myth that true differentiated instruction is broadly feasible in mixed ability classrooms. Instead our bright kids work at too slow a pace until APs arrive in high school and have to put up with poor students' "behaviors" .

I don't think the private schools around me are a fit for our family so not worth the money. But I spent a ton of $ on remedial in-person math tutoring for my 7-12th graders and it did not strengthen my kids' grades and SAT results as much as I expected. I should have started younger when they were getting "All A's" in elementary school. When I thought things were fine because I trusted the school evaluations were meaningful.

I agree with the people above who say that a parent of elementary students can do a lot themselves to increase engagement with the world, just like a good formal teacher. You can also ask classroom teachers if your kid can do free reading in school if they finish their work quickly.

If you are college-educated and can handle everyday math with accuracy, can read a diagnostic report, and can sit companionably with your child while they do work, you can use a fairly cheap subscription program from IXL.com to diagnose your kid's Math and English weaknesses and work on them. However, you may need to incentivize them because drilling is boring.

I further agree that lots of reading, visits to the library, attending community events, etc. can compensate somewhat for a boring elementary school experience. Even relative nowheresvilles have a lot of fun things to do if you think outside the box.

I made deliberate K-12 choices and had the funds to choose differently, but I still see some negative consequences of my deliberate choices. I can't know, and I don't assume, that the "road not taken" would have turned out better. OP, even if you had 3x$20K tuition, you'd most likely still have some regrets. I think that's part of conscientious parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again.

My kids will be set for a high performing, excellent high school because that’s where I teach. They’ll be able to go for free to a really exceptional school (again, not in DMV). I just need to get them through this crappy elementary school.

As a teacher, you'll be fine. And elementary school kids don't care about facilities too much. Except ratty bathrooms. They do a lot of running around and imaginative play and talking at that age.

Is there a PTA that could fundraise for a new playground? Eagle Scout project?

[Anonymous]

Apply to private school and apply for aid. You never know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just need to sit in my sadness.

We’re in a completely average public school. My kids are unhappy…behaviors, time outside, not being challenged.

There’s nothing we can do. I can’t homeschool, and on no planet can we afford private school. Those I know with kids in private schools, have grandparents paying. I desperately wish my kids could have a different experience.

We aren’t in the DMV.

Whrrr you at

[Anonymous]

OP: Reading is the key. Your children can get access to books for free at the school library and at a local public library.

Keep your kids off social media & keep them away from drinking & drugs and they will thrive.

Daily exercise helps. Makes one clear-headed--easier to absorb & understand new material.

OP: You need to be happy & to be proud of your kids. They will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Don’t be tit for tat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just need to sit in my sadness.

We’re in a completely average public school. My kids are unhappy…behaviors, time outside, not being challenged.

There’s nothing we can do. I can’t homeschool, and on no planet can we afford private school. Those I know with kids in private schools, have grandparents paying. I desperately wish my kids could have a different experience.

We aren’t in the DMV.

You probably can homeschool in some fashion unless you are certified braindead. Find some local homeschool groups to get support and accurate info. Some working parents do the bulk of the teaching on weekends and during the evenings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just need to sit in my sadness.

We’re in a completely average public school. My kids are unhappy…behaviors, time outside, not being challenged.

There’s nothing we can do. I can’t homeschool, and on no planet can we afford private school. Those I know with kids in private schools, have grandparents paying. I desperately wish my kids could have a different experience.

We aren’t in the DMV.

You probably can homeschool in some fashion unless you are certified braindead. Find some local homeschool groups to get support and accurate info. Some working parents do the bulk of the teaching on weekends and during the evenings.

It’s not the learning, it’s the logistics. Who will watch them? School is essentially child care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just need to sit in my sadness.

We’re in a completely average public school. My kids are unhappy…behaviors, time outside, not being challenged.

There’s nothing we can do. I can’t homeschool, and on no planet can we afford private school. Those I know with kids in private schools, have grandparents paying. I desperately wish my kids could have a different experience.

We aren’t in the DMV.

You probably can homeschool in some fashion unless you are certified braindead. Find some local homeschool groups to get support and accurate info. Some working parents do the bulk of the teaching on weekends and during the evenings.

It’s not the learning, it’s the logistics. Who will watch them? School is essentially child care.

DP. Mostly agree. We cannot homeschool mainly because we both need to work outside home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written this OP. I'm just so sad about the low quality education my kid is getting. We tutor and supplement at home, but what they're learning is so far below grade level. All of the classroom kids do poorly on their standardized tests because they aren't taught that material because some kids are still illiterate in 3rd grade, can't do basic math. The teacher is basically only teaching remedial math. I have 3 kids and 20k a year for private is just out of our budget. I wish charter schools or magnet schools were allowed.

Yes! It took me a long time to realize that the teacher was teaching the lowest kids and neglecting the middle to top achievers. I guess I just assumed being in a well-off, well-educated area must provide my kid with a better education than I got in a small town full of high school drop outs and alcoholics.

I'm in a nice middle-class town in flyover country next to the towns with the "good" school districts. There is no within-grade "gifted" education anywhere in our county's public schools. We have math acceleration tracking starting in 6th grade and that's about it unless a kid is two grade levels above and then you can get them an IEP of sorts. Educators in our area have bought heavily into the myth that true differentiated instruction is broadly feasible in mixed ability classrooms. Instead our bright kids work at too slow a pace until APs arrive in high school and have to put up with poor students' "behaviors" .

I don't think the private schools around me are a fit for our family so not worth the money. But I spent a ton of $ on remedial in-person math tutoring for my 7-12th graders and it did not strengthen my kids' grades and SAT results as much as I expected. I should have started younger when they were getting "All A's" in elementary school. When I thought things were fine because I trusted the school evaluations were meaningful.

I agree with the people above who say that a parent of elementary students can do a lot themselves to increase engagement with the world, just like a good formal teacher. You can also ask classroom teachers if your kid can do free reading in school if they finish their work quickly.

If you are college-educated and can handle everyday math with accuracy, can read a diagnostic report, and can sit companionably with your child while they do work, you can use a fairly cheap subscription program from IXL.com to diagnose your kid's Math and English weaknesses and work on them. However, you may need to incentivize them because drilling is boring.

I further agree that lots of reading, visits to the library, attending community events, etc. can compensate somewhat for a boring elementary school experience. Even relative nowheresvilles have a lot of fun things to do if you think outside the box.

I made deliberate K-12 choices and had the funds to choose differently, but I still see some negative consequences of my deliberate choices. I can't know, and I don't assume, that the "road not taken" would have turned out better. OP, even if you had 3x$20K tuition, you'd most likely still have some regrets. I think that's part of conscientious parenting.

Excellent insights!! Especially about regrets when you’ve “optimized” schooling choices. The road is long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just need to sit in my sadness.

We’re in a completely average public school. My kids are unhappy…behaviors, time outside, not being challenged.

There’s nothing we can do. I can’t homeschool, and on no planet can we afford private school. Those I know with kids in private schools, have grandparents paying. I desperately wish my kids could have a different experience.

We aren’t in the DMV.

I am sorry OP but you can fix this.

Yes you can. You can read and read and read with your kids. You can talk to them every single night at the dinner table or breakfast or while driving them to activities.

Homeschooling is not the answer you are.

Weekends pick a weekend a month where you go to a free museam.

If you get snap or chip or Medicaid you can get into museums, theaters, symphony, ballet, gardens etc for $2

Or if you even go to a title 1 school. I have a friend who doesn't qualify for SNAP but her kids are at a title 1 school. They get into SO many cool places for cheap.

[Anonymous]

Invert your learning year. Send your kids to one of the many extraordinary summer programs, yes, they’re expensive but less expensive than private school. Then treat the school year as your time as best you can for family trips, outdoor play, and other things you would typically do in the summer. As a teacher, I’m sure you’re limited and how much of that you can do, but spring break, etc.