The crushing guilt of not being able to give my kids a better education

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My kids are being plenty challenged at home…they’re outside, never on screens, building stuff, Boy Scouts and chess competitions.

I mean during the day…I wish they were at private schools and were known and loved. I wish they were playing outside on cool structures and not old, falling down soccer posts.

I knew, even though you didn't disclose in your first post, that you had hyperactive boys. Also, private school teachers are there for the same reasons at public school teachers. "known and loved" - please.

Not OP. My kids are at a private school that prides itself on making kids feel "known and loved," but they were in public for all or most of ES (depending on kid). I got so prickly during the interview process when the school would act like people being "known and loved" set them apart from other schools. At public I went into parent teacher conferences and was routinely blown away by how deeply my kids' public school teachers, sometimes in fairly large classes, had deep insight into who my kids were. In some cases they all had the same wonderful elementary teachers, who were often easily able to distinguish how my kids were different from each other and express that to me. A good teacher knows and loves his/her students - yes, even the unlovable ones. Just like any good caregiver does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Reading is the key. Your children can get access to books for free at the school library and at a local public library.

Keep your kids off social media & keep them away from drinking & drugs and they will thrive.

Daily exercise helps. Makes one clear-headed--easier to absorb & understand new material.

OP: You need to be happy & to be proud of your kids. They will be fine.

100%.

It's a little odd that you're a teacher -- one who knows that your kids will go to a high-achieving high school -- and yet you feel powerless to enrich their lives.

Books, books, books! And free/low-cost trips. And music, if you can swing it.

[Anonymous]

High school will save them. Truly, that is where it matters and where it is hard for parents to supplement (unless you have a high working knowledge of calculus and AP psychics, etc)

But the differences between the content taught in title 1 elementary schools and the “best” public elementary schools are not that different. All public schools have a low standard and are teaching grade level material- at best. The differences are that at the “best” schools, majority of the parents are supplementing- which is why scores are high. It isn’t the in school teaching. Fewer undesirable behaviors as well, but far from absent. Lots of kids have issues now

You need to relentlessly supplement. Every day read aloud, do science and history podcasts, make them write on paper: something, anything. Do some assigned memory work: memorize one poem per month (or anything you think would interest them or be of value). Get them using their brains daily, no screens during the week. Buy old school text books and teach directly from them. You can do this- and they will be better than fine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not op, what can working parents with low energy level do at home for a gifted 4th grader & a dyslexia 1st grader? I may have 1 hour energy max./day on weekdays and maybe 2 hours/day max. for weekends. I am exhausted, so that is the most I could contribute. The gifted child is in CES, but it is still too easy. They have enough outdoor exercise time, and I want to introduce stem (especially science) to the gifted one, and find a fun way to working on phonics and reading with the dyslexia one.

My kid also went to CES! There are lots of great non fiction books on science themes that your kid can read which will get them thinking. Also, we loved magazines like Ask at that age. Does your kid do scouts? The outdoorsy stuff really lends itself to a lot of science. My son has a ces friend that didn’t start scouts until 6th grade—after 5th grade Boy Scouts has very little parental involvement. For vacation, think about thinks like snorkeling or national parks (Yellowstone is great for science, as is the Grand Canyon — the visitor centers have so much science!). Encourage your kid to plant a vegetable garden. Maybe get an aquarium and check out some books on how to have one (I admit I did not love this, as we could not keep them alive). Snapcircuits are really fun. If you go on your a buy nothing group, neighbors might have some they can hand down. You can often find books with easy science experiments at the public library or used book stores or on buy nothing.

Pp here. Thank you for other suggestions. The 4th grader is in team sports and scouts. We have a fish tank but 100 percent being taken care by DH. I want him to go into robotics related but our ES does not have any clubs or resources. Do you know any?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not op, what can working parents with low energy level do at home for a gifted 4th grader & a dyslexia 1st grader? I may have 1 hour energy max./day on weekdays and maybe 2 hours/day max. for weekends. I am exhausted, so that is the most I could contribute. The gifted child is in CES, but it is still too easy. They have enough outdoor exercise time, and I want to introduce stem (especially science) to the gifted one, and find a fun way to working on phonics and reading with the dyslexia one.

I don't have great answers on how to work with your first grader on reading, since I don't have experience with dyslexia. But otherwise I have a few thoughts:

(1) You can definitely move ahead in math. IXL has some really good workbooks (like physical ones, not an app). We've been working through the first grade workbook with our advanced kindergartener, and she's catching on pretty quickly to place value. We do a page or two a day, sometimes we don't make much progress because we're all just too tired. This might be a 20- to 30-minute commitment a few days a week.
(2) Reading aloud. My dad read to me every night (between getting home from work and starting the kitchen cleanup), and it really helped me develop my listening comprehension and my vocabulary. Yes, fourth graders can read to themselves, but when you read aloud to them it gives them access to materials that are above their reading ability, but consistent with their comprehension level. By fourth grade you can access some pretty cool books, like John Christopher's Tripod Trilogy, Norton Juster's Phantom Tollbooth, etc. And there are so many books that your first grader will love.
(3) Board games. There are a number of math board games out there that will help kids increase their processing speed. Sum Swamp is much better for your 1st grader, but there are board games that work on multiplication and division as well, and because it's a game the kids may be much more interested in participating.
(4) History books. An extension of reading aloud from above--there are some excellent nonfiction books that will help your kids build a foundation to understand history. You could try Joy Hakim's History of US, David MacCaulay's Castle/Cathedral/Pyramid, etc.
(5) Science. Most science and engineering requires math skills that kids simply haven't developed yet (you really need at least algebra to do basic physics). So I think that most of elementary school science should be about inspiring kids and getting them excited about doing science. There are tons of experiments you could do together at home that might be fun. Some things I've thought of include planting a bean in a pot on the windowsill and measuring and graphing the height every day, getting an inexpensive microscope and looking at and drawing things like onion plant cells, building some basic electric circuits, etc. There are a lot of books full of home science experiments for kids to try. And again, you can find age-appropriate books in your library about different topics and just read to them.

Pp here. Thank you for suggestions.

[Anonymous]

If it is out of your control, you really have to focus on gratitude for what you do have....there are kids in the world who would kill to have any education. If there are things you can control or change, then focus on the small things you can do.

[Anonymous]

Penniless Chinese immigrants with weak English get their kids to 1600 SAT

[Anonymous]

If it makes you feel better, the “known and loved” thing is BS. I say that as a classroom teacher and someone who attended public and private schools. Being known depends more on smaller class sizes and smaller schools, and on the particular teacher. And the vast majority of kids, unless neurodivergent or anxious, don’t need to be known and loved at school that deeply. They need that at home.

My own kid switched from a large public to a large private and he is still just a cog in the school. He is respected, sure, but I wouldn’t say he is “deeply known and loved” more than when he was at public school. The difference at the private is in content taught, behavioral expectations, and the ability to utilize leveling and teach civics and duty connected to morality. Oh, and teacher choice to reject edtech, which is such a difference. As a teacher, I believe in the importance of the classroom teacher and written work, not learning apps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Penniless Chinese immigrants with weak English get their kids to 1600 SAT

Yes. But they are also mostly surrounded by other immigrants with similarly high expectations for education performance and put in the work to supplement- and both parents and kids are putting a lot of work toward education. The same is not true for most “bad” public school districts. They are unfortunately filled with kids (and their parents) who don’t care, don’t want to be there, don’t want to learn and disrupt everyone else while there.

[Anonymous]

DH and I grew up poor. Sounds like you live a perfectly normal middle class life.

We played outside despite not being put in many extracurricular activities. Our parents never signed us up for anything. We did well in school, ended up at good colleges and Ivy grad schools.

It is not doomsday for your children.

[Anonymous]

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/716481.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I grew up poor. Sounds like you live a perfectly normal middle class life.

We played outside despite not being put in many extracurricular activities. Our parents never signed us up for anything. We did well in school, ended up at good colleges and Ivy grad schools.

It is not doomsday for your children.

You haven't looked at college admissions stats at all over the past decade, huh?

[Anonymous]

Apply for financial aid. You don’t have to be living in poverty to get aid at most schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I grew up poor. Sounds like you live a perfectly normal middle class life.

We played outside despite not being put in many extracurricular activities. Our parents never signed us up for anything. We did well in school, ended up at good colleges and Ivy grad schools.

It is not doomsday for your children.

There are thousands of colleges in this country. The majority of them accept most students. My B student got in everywhere he applied with merit aid. No test scores, one EC activity in HS. Only DCUMs think their kid is doomed if they are just normal.

You haven't looked at college admissions stats at all over the past decade, huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I grew up poor. Sounds like you live a perfectly normal middle class life.

We played outside despite not being put in many extracurricular activities. Our parents never signed us up for anything. We did well in school, ended up at good colleges and Ivy grad schools.

It is not doomsday for your children.

You haven't looked at college admissions stats at all over the past decade, huh?

DP. I mean yeah, the Ivys and about 25 other schools have gotten more selective.

But everyone else, less so.