Do you 3rd graders do lots of sleepovers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None. No way to ensure they are safe.

What are you doing to ensure they're safe at school? I used to work in a school district. They fingerprinted me and ran the prints for that state only. If I'd abused kids in another state (and only if I'd been caught and arrested for it), that wouldn't show up. I can't tell you how many times I was in an art supply closet or an empty classroom and a kid would come in to talk with me. Just the two of us. I coached gymnastics and no background check was done on me at all. I was a camp counselor and no background check was done on me. I've been alone with kids in all these places. So how are you ensuring your kids are safe everywhere they go without you?

DP but it's an unnecessary risk. There's no upside and only downside. We don't do gymnastics either. I don't need to serve my kid on a platter to predators.

The upside is tons of fun, it's deepening friendships, it's learning how different households do things differently (one family always has pancakes on Saturday while yours always has cereal on Saturday), etc. Tons of upsides. My point wasn't specific to gymnastics - it was to make the point that there's not much background checking on coaches in general. My friend's ex-husband was big into coaching baseball or Little League or something. He was a lawyer, grew up in the community, very well respected. Spent years beating the crap out of my friend though. You don't know people as well as you think you do. You're better off teaching your child how to set boundaries and how to talk to you when they're uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're a no sleepover family. DD has lots of friends. I do let her do sleep unders where i pick her up and drop her off in the morning (i bring breakfast for everyone and coffee for the parents)

I don’t get this. You let DD play at someone’s house until late, then you pick her up… then you take her back to that house with breakfast in tow? And then what, wait around another 45 minutes while everyone eats and then you both drive home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None. No way to ensure they are safe.

What are you doing to ensure they're safe at school? I used to work in a school district. They fingerprinted me and ran the prints for that state only. If I'd abused kids in another state (and only if I'd been caught and arrested for it), that wouldn't show up. I can't tell you how many times I was in an art supply closet or an empty classroom and a kid would come in to talk with me. Just the two of us. I coached gymnastics and no background check was done on me at all. I was a camp counselor and no background check was done on me. I've been alone with kids in all these places. So how are you ensuring your kids are safe everywhere they go without you?

DP but it's an unnecessary risk. There's no upside and only downside. We don't do gymnastics either. I don't need to serve my kid on a platter to predators.

The upside is tons of fun, it's deepening friendships, it's learning how different households do things differently (one family always has pancakes on Saturday while yours always has cereal on Saturday), etc. Tons of upsides. My point wasn't specific to gymnastics - it was to make the point that there's not much background checking on coaches in general. My friend's ex-husband was big into coaching baseball or Little League or something. He was a lawyer, grew up in the community, very well respected. Spent years beating the crap out of my friend though. You don't know people as well as you think you do. You're better off teaching your child how to set boundaries and how to talk to you when they're uncomfortable.

Not PP and I don't have a blanket rule against sleepovers, but I don't think they are automatically as beneficial as you say. Some kids don't have fun. Sometimes sleepovers result in exclusion or teasing. Sometimes what you learn is that other households are dysfunctional or that other families have weird boundaries.

To me, this doesn't mean "no sleepovers." It means that a 7/8 year old should only go to a house where I feel very confident what the environment is going to be like. I think what you are expecting out of kids this age is more what I would expect from a 13 or 14 year old. As for coaching, my kids don't do any activities at this age that would put them alone with an adult who I had not personally vetted. No way is my 8 year old in any situation at a gymnastics gym where she's on her own with a coach -- I'm not an idiot. I attend all practices and meets and can see my kid the whole time. Same with Little League or any other sport. Older kids would go to stuff on their own but (1) like I said, an older kid would have more skills to deal with it, and (2) I'm vetting the heck out of activities and I don't send my kid to stuff where no one gets a background check, that's frankly weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're a no sleepover family. DD has lots of friends. I do let her do sleep unders where i pick her up and drop her off in the morning (i bring breakfast for everyone and coffee for the parents)

I don’t get this. You let DD play at someone’s house until late, then you pick her up… then you take her back to that house with breakfast in tow? And then what, wait around another 45 minutes while everyone eats and then you both drive home?

I've never heard of a sleep under where the kids come back in the morning. Only one where you do all the stuff you would do at a sleepover up until bedtime, and then kids go home. No breakfast. It's honestly the worst part of most sleepovers anyway because the kids tend to be tired and families are generally ready to get back to a more normal routine, so I've never found that anyone misses it.

[Anonymous]

Never for my 5th grade boy. He has been asked only a few times and it wasnt from families I knew well enough to want to say yes. I guess we're not a sleepover family, but it hasnt stunted his social life.

Girls in 4th grade seemed to be very in to this though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None. No way to ensure they are safe.

What are you doing to ensure they're safe at school? I used to work in a school district. They fingerprinted me and ran the prints for that state only. If I'd abused kids in another state (and only if I'd been caught and arrested for it), that wouldn't show up. I can't tell you how many times I was in an art supply closet or an empty classroom and a kid would come in to talk with me. Just the two of us. I coached gymnastics and no background check was done on me at all. I was a camp counselor and no background check was done on me. I've been alone with kids in all these places. So how are you ensuring your kids are safe everywhere they go without you?

DP but it's an unnecessary risk. There's no upside and only downside. We don't do gymnastics either. I don't need to serve my kid on a platter to predators.

The upside is tons of fun, it's deepening friendships, it's learning how different households do things differently (one family always has pancakes on Saturday while yours always has cereal on Saturday), etc. Tons of upsides. My point wasn't specific to gymnastics - it was to make the point that there's not much background checking on coaches in general. My friend's ex-husband was big into coaching baseball or Little League or something. He was a lawyer, grew up in the community, very well respected. Spent years beating the crap out of my friend though. You don't know people as well as you think you do. You're better off teaching your child how to set boundaries and how to talk to you when they're uncomfortable.

Not PP and I don't have a blanket rule against sleepovers, but I don't think they are automatically as beneficial as you say. Some kids don't have fun. Sometimes sleepovers result in exclusion or teasing. Sometimes what you learn is that other households are dysfunctional or that other families have weird boundaries.

To me, this doesn't mean "no sleepovers." It means that a 7/8 year old should only go to a house where I feel very confident what the environment is going to be like. I think what you are expecting out of kids this age is more what I would expect from a 13 or 14 year old. As for coaching, my kids don't do any activities at this age that would put them alone with an adult who I had not personally vetted. No way is my 8 year old in any situation at a gymnastics gym where she's on her own with a coach -- I'm not an idiot. I attend all practices and meets and can see my kid the whole time. Same with Little League or any other sport. Older kids would go to stuff on their own but (1) like I said, an older kid would have more skills to deal with it, and (2) I'm vetting the heck out of activities and I don't send my kid to stuff where no one gets a background check, that's frankly weird.

Both strategies should be used. You can be cautious about where you send your kid to sleepover and what activities they do, and also teach your kids about the dangers of abuse in an age appropriate way, and particularly what constitutes appropriate and inappropriate touch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None. No way to ensure they are safe.

What are you doing to ensure they're safe at school? I used to work in a school district. They fingerprinted me and ran the prints for that state only. If I'd abused kids in another state (and only if I'd been caught and arrested for it), that wouldn't show up. I can't tell you how many times I was in an art supply closet or an empty classroom and a kid would come in to talk with me. Just the two of us. I coached gymnastics and no background check was done on me at all. I was a camp counselor and no background check was done on me. I've been alone with kids in all these places. So how are you ensuring your kids are safe everywhere they go without you?

DP but it's an unnecessary risk. There's no upside and only downside. We don't do gymnastics either. I don't need to serve my kid on a platter to predators.

The upside is tons of fun, it's deepening friendships, it's learning how different households do things differently (one family always has pancakes on Saturday while yours always has cereal on Saturday), etc. Tons of upsides. My point wasn't specific to gymnastics - it was to make the point that there's not much background checking on coaches in general. My friend's ex-husband was big into coaching baseball or Little League or something. He was a lawyer, grew up in the community, very well respected. Spent years beating the crap out of my friend though. You don't know people as well as you think you do. You're better off teaching your child how to set boundaries and how to talk to you when they're uncomfortable.

Not PP and I don't have a blanket rule against sleepovers, but I don't think they are automatically as beneficial as you say. Some kids don't have fun. Sometimes sleepovers result in exclusion or teasing. Sometimes what you learn is that other households are dysfunctional or that other families have weird boundaries.

To me, this doesn't mean "no sleepovers." It means that a 7/8 year old should only go to a house where I feel very confident what the environment is going to be like. I think what you are expecting out of kids this age is more what I would expect from a 13 or 14 year old. As for coaching, my kids don't do any activities at this age that would put them alone with an adult who I had not personally vetted. No way is my 8 year old in any situation at a gymnastics gym where she's on her own with a coach -- I'm not an idiot. I attend all practices and meets and can see my kid the whole time. Same with Little League or any other sport. Older kids would go to stuff on their own but (1) like I said, an older kid would have more skills to deal with it, and (2) I'm vetting the heck out of activities and I don't send my kid to stuff where no one gets a background check, that's frankly weird.

Both strategies should be used. You can be cautious about where you send your kid to sleepover and what activities they do, and also teach your kids about the dangers of abuse in an age appropriate way, and particularly what constitutes appropriate and inappropriate touch.

That's literally what I said.

But a 3rd grader is too young to handle a situation where there's any chance someone might sexually assault them. They must be protected from that.

For me that could mean allowing sleepovers in specific situations where I feel totally confident in the hosts (we have a few families where we have known the parents for 20+ years and they have truly earned our trust). For someone else it might mean no sleepovers at all simply because they don't know anyone that well. I think those are both fine.

What is weird is the suggestion that a parent who is limiting sleepovers is being unreasonable because, oh by the way, lots of gymnastics coaches don't get background checks and frequently wind up alone with young kids. That's a reason to better get your kids' activities, not a reason to give up and not care about an 8 year old's safety anymore.

[Anonymous]

So much paranoia. What a world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're a no sleepover family. DD has lots of friends. I do let her do sleep unders where i pick her up and drop her off in the morning (i bring breakfast for everyone and coffee for the parents)

I don’t get this. You let DD play at someone’s house until late, then you pick her up… then you take her back to that house with breakfast in tow? And then what, wait around another 45 minutes while everyone eats and then you both drive home?

Yeah that going back in the morning bit is weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much paranoia. What a world.

It’s a sick world we live in

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're a no sleepover family. DD has lots of friends. I do let her do sleep unders where i pick her up and drop her off in the morning (i bring breakfast for everyone and coffee for the parents)

I don’t get this. You let DD play at someone’s house until late, then you pick her up… then you take her back to that house with breakfast in tow? And then what, wait around another 45 minutes while everyone eats and then you both drive home?

I've never heard of a sleep under where the kids come back in the morning. Only one where you do all the stuff you would do at a sleepover up until bedtime, and then kids go home. No breakfast. It's honestly the worst part of most sleepovers anyway because the kids tend to be tired and families are generally ready to get back to a more normal routine, so I've never found that anyone misses it.

+1 The last thing I want after hosting a sleepover is to entertain parents in the morning. I want them to pick up their kid and go so we can get back to our routine. Typically when I host I haven’t slept well either. I’ve also found that allowing kids to stay too long in the morning means another round of snacks and activities and new messes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're a no sleepover family. DD has lots of friends. I do let her do sleep unders where i pick her up and drop her off in the morning (i bring breakfast for everyone and coffee for the parents)

I don’t get this. You let DD play at someone’s house until late, then you pick her up… then you take her back to that house with breakfast in tow? And then what, wait around another 45 minutes while everyone eats and then you both drive home?

Yeah that going back in the morning bit is weird.

Usually the kids hang out for the day. Finishing the sleepover of sorts. I did sleepovers and we woke up and spent the day together

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're a no sleepover family. DD has lots of friends. I do let her do sleep unders where i pick her up and drop her off in the morning (i bring breakfast for everyone and coffee for the parents)

I don’t get this. You let DD play at someone’s house until late, then you pick her up… then you take her back to that house with breakfast in tow? And then what, wait around another 45 minutes while everyone eats and then you both drive home?

Yeah that going back in the morning bit is weird.

Usually the kids hang out for the day. Finishing the sleepover of sorts. I did sleepovers and we woke up and spent the day together

+1 lazy parents who shove hungry kids out of their house without breakfast should not even host sleepovers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're a no sleepover family. DD has lots of friends. I do let her do sleep unders where i pick her up and drop her off in the morning (i bring breakfast for everyone and coffee for the parents)

I don’t get this. You let DD play at someone’s house until late, then you pick her up… then you take her back to that house with breakfast in tow? And then what, wait around another 45 minutes while everyone eats and then you both drive home?

Yeah that going back in the morning bit is weird.

Usually the kids hang out for the day. Finishing the sleepover of sorts. I did sleepovers and we woke up and spent the day together

+1 lazy parents who shove hungry kids out of their house without breakfast should not even host sleepovers

I don't look at it like that, but ok. Kids would presumably be happy about spending time with friends

[Anonymous]

Maybe host your first sleep over or under.