When you look back, how much control in HS is too much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s an article in the Atlantic right now about how the key to happiness at this stage is to expect less from your kids. I couldn’t read it since I didn’t have my login… but maybe someone can post. I go wildly back and forth between trying to be a tiger mom and being very laid back and laissez faire. Now my morning has agreed with me that she should have taken her ECs more seriously and not dropped them. Infuriating, but at least she admits now I was right.

This is the approach I am taking with my husband for our kids (16 DS and 13 DS). My parents were more involved until high school when they divorced. My mom was overwhelmed and just let me run on auto-pilot for school. My grades actually slipped freshmen to sr year but I was able to get into college after a few years of CC and working. Looking back this is what I needed because I quickly go serious after realizing the value of college while working dead-end hourly wage jobs. My college grades were excellent.

So with my kids I don't want to pressurize them by micromanaging. Their generation is also more skeptical of college ROI.

Are you saying you are happy you mom didn’t closely monitor your grades/didnt micromanage? How were your grades in general?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a book called the "Self Driven Child" that totally changed my perspective on this (to let kids take accountability for their own work.)

I don't monitor as they complete things. I do make a point of looking over things afterwards so they know someone is watching. I do think that pushes them to do better. So, watching but not controlling.

If I do that, my kid often decides to not do something and then finds some excuse why he didn’t. Heck, even with pushing him he often doesn’t do stuff as
He persuades me how he doesn’t need it and I sometimes give in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also have a 15 year old. I’d b over him if he had even a b. He has a few b+ and the public school seems so not hard that I think it’s totally reasonable to have almost all A’s. I went to private and had like a 3.2. A c in public school regular classes in totally unacceptable and my kid is not going to community college.

To be fair my friend didn’t tell me if Cs were in regular classes, I just known her kid is taking a few advanced ones
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We never helicoptered our kids in terms of homework assignments etc. What we did do from an early age was to teach them that succeeding in anything takes really hard work and if you are not willing to put in the time you won’t succeed. This wasn’t a one time conversation by any means. With our youngest of three we had to have this conversation quite often but she has been very successful in college and in her career. Parents need to be teachers not just class work monitors.

My kid doesn’t seem to care
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t helicopter. It will backfire. In so many ways. Now is the time for mistakes, not later.

Do you have stories for me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re both wrong. Your job is to help your children learn the skills they need, not to abdicate responsibility (like your friend) or to control via arbitrary rules (you). Work to get them to develop buy in about the need for them to be responsible for the outcome of their life. Require effort, if anything. But respect who they are, even if that’s different from who you want them to be.

How do you do that if you have a child who comes off as lazy though

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just spoke to a friend, we both have 15 yo sons who can be classified as lazy and not too ambitious about grades.

My strategy was closely watching his schoolwork since freshman year and trying to make sure he finishes and submits all his assignments. He has a mix of As and Bs with two honors classes last year and one honors class this year.
My friend is of an opinion that her son needs to figure it out. He has more advanced classes but also a few Cs and one D. I am not sure what they are going to do but she is saying she can’t and doesn’t want to track his hw and major assignments and make sure he retakes his tests if needed. He’ll have to go to CC if he doesn’t get into a 4 year school.
Who do you think is right here? Have you followed either of these strategies and do you regret it or are you validated in your approach now that your child is an adult?

I was you with my first 2.

With my 3rd I am like your friend.

We will see.

I’d love to hear more! How are the oldest two doing? And is the youngest different from them in personality?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sometimes parents use any excuse at all because they haven't planned for the expense of college

Bingo

Help your kid stay on schedule.

[Anonymous]

I would say if you are still looking at every assignment and monitoring every grade and activity in Jr. and Sr. year, that's too much. Things will not go well for your kid in college if they are not fully independent for a year or two before leaving. I know parents that got their kids into decent schools thanks to lots of accommodations, supports and full pay. They then had to hire executive coaches when they couldn't self manage their courses - anxiety and depression and new ADHD diagnoses very common. I know a few of these kids - if they are lucky they may graduate, but with low GPAs and low self esteem. They are not great job candidates or grad school material. They don't have good job prospects, and make low wages, or are in sales jobs they hate and can't keep because they are so disorganized.

[Anonymous]

I have two adult kids. My DD was very motivated and did extremely well in HS, college, and grad school without any oversight. My DS had no interest in HS. Didn’t ever study and barely turned in assignments. I debated the same thing you are debating but ultimately I just told him the consequences if he didn’t pull things together. He went to a mid-level college and didn’t do all that well his first two years. After that, he pulled it together when he realized he’d need to get a job. Because we never did much for him I think he realized he was going to have to support himself and I think it scared him into doing something so he could get a job. Now he’s doing very well in a job he likes.

Of course I can never know what would have happened if I had micromanaged him. But my belief is he would have been worse off because I think it would have sent the message that he wasn’t capable of figuring things out for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say if you are still looking at every assignment and monitoring every grade and activity in Jr. and Sr. year, that's too much. Things will not go well for your kid in college if they are not fully independent for a year or two before leaving. I know parents that got their kids into decent schools thanks to lots of accommodations, supports and full pay. They then had to hire executive coaches when they couldn't self manage their courses - anxiety and depression and new ADHD diagnoses very common. I know a few of these kids - if they are lucky they may graduate, but with low GPAs and low self esteem. They are not great job candidates or grad school material. They don't have good job prospects, and make low wages, or are in sales jobs they hate and can't keep because they are so disorganized.

He is a sophomore now. If he doesn’t shape up by senior year when he applies to colleges then he goes to a cheap school or CC. But we still have 2 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two adult kids. My DD was very motivated and did extremely well in HS, college, and grad school without any oversight. My DS had no interest in HS. Didn’t ever study and barely turned in assignments. I debated the same thing you are debating but ultimately I just told him the consequences if he didn’t pull things together. He went to a mid-level college and didn’t do all that well his first two years. After that, he pulled it together when he realized he’d need to get a job. Because we never did much for him I think he realized he was going to have to support himself and I think it scared him into doing something so he could get a job. Now he’s doing very well in a job he likes.

Of course I can never know what would have happened if I had micromanaged him. But my belief is he would have been worse off because I think it would have sent the message that he wasn’t capable of figuring things out for himself.

What consequences did you tell him? Mine seems indifferent to what will happen many years from now or maybe he doesn’t believe me. Or are you talking about immediate consequences like taking his phone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sometimes parents use any excuse at all because they haven't planned for the expense of college

This.

[Anonymous]

Following! Having this exact same struggle with my 8th grader.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Following! Having this exact same struggle with my 8th grader.

Op here. If you can have him evaluated for adhd, to rule it out.