When you look back, how much control in HS is too much?

[Anonymous]

Just spoke to a friend, we both have 15 yo sons who can be classified as lazy and not too ambitious about grades.

My strategy was closely watching his schoolwork since freshman year and trying to make sure he finishes and submits all his assignments. He has a mix of As and Bs with two honors classes last year and one honors class this year.
My friend is of an opinion that her son needs to figure it out. He has more advanced classes but also a few Cs and one D. I am not sure what they are going to do but she is saying she can’t and doesn’t want to track his hw and major assignments and make sure he retakes his tests if needed. He’ll have to go to CC if he doesn’t get into a 4 year school.
Who do you think is right here? Have you followed either of these strategies and do you regret it or are you validated in your approach now that your child is an adult?

[Anonymous]

Great question. Another layer for some parents is neurodivergence, esp ADHD. To what degree does the child really need support and help with strategies?

[Anonymous]

There is no right way.
One is trying to get their kid college ready (if that's what they want) and the other is just trying to help them survive HS w/ the best grades possible
When they leave the nest you are not there to help them finish homework, get extensions, retake tests. Extensions and retakes don't exist in college. Its sink or swim

[Anonymous]

He’ll have to go to CC if he doesn’t get into a 4 year school

I do not agree with this. Bigger problem for him, probably isn't the lack of oversight, but that his classes are too hard - his schedule overall is too hard, more than he can manage. He would have much better college results with A & B's w/even occasional C in a lighter schedule.

Too often, I have seen parents load-up their child w/tons of hard classes and when the gpa is terrible, they throw up their hands and say, "well, he's not college-ready."

[Anonymous]

sometimes parents use any excuse at all because they haven't planned for the expense of college

[Anonymous]

There's no right or wrong approach, OP, just different neuroses guiding different ships. I'm a cerebral, perfectionist sort of person and I am 100% on top of my kids' academic trajectory, because to me learning and academics are of primary importance. Not even for college admissions or financial success later in life, just intrinsically important. They matter to our nerdy, geeky family. Luckily my husband and children agree with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He’ll have to go to CC if he doesn’t get into a 4 year school

I do not agree with this. Bigger problem for him, probably isn't the lack of oversight, but that his classes are too hard - his schedule overall is too hard, more than he can manage. He would have much better college results with A & B's w/even occasional C in a lighter schedule.

Too often, I have seen parents load-up their child w/tons of hard classes and when the gpa is terrible, they throw up their hands and say, "well, he's not college-ready."

I don’t think the parents had much role in choosing this guy’s classes, he was pretty much on his own afaik
-OP

[Anonymous]

OP. To address some comments:
- I don’t think it’s the parents’ excuse not to pay for college (on my friend’s part and definitely not on my part)
- no known issues such as adhd or anxiety but maybe?
- as for me, yes, my strategy is letting him mature as much as possible without irreparable harm to his grades. If he is still the same by college time, then he either doesn’t go or goes to CC or drops out, but then I can take it because he is an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sometimes parents use any excuse at all because they haven't planned for the expense of college

Or maybe they just don't have the money. That's plenty of parents. And no, it isn't because they didn't save for it. So many people can barely afford just the basic expenses.

[Anonymous]

Depends.

Some kid need the extra push.

[Anonymous]

There’s an article in the Atlantic right now about how the key to happiness at this stage is to expect less from your kids. I couldn’t read it since I didn’t have my login… but maybe someone can post. I go wildly back and forth between trying to be a tiger mom and being very laid back and laissez faire. Now my morning has agreed with me that she should have taken her ECs more seriously and not dropped them. Infuriating, but at least she admits now I was right.

[Anonymous]

Morning= junior

[Anonymous]

This is going to be individual dependent. Whatever you do, don't ruin your relationship with the child or cause mental distress for him. Arrange for him to talk to some kids attending colleges or in new jobs and take mentorship from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:sometimes parents use any excuse at all because they haven't planned for the expense of college

Or maybe they just don't have the money. That's plenty of parents. And no, it isn't because they didn't save for it. So many people can barely afford just the basic expenses.

No, my friend and her ex are well off.
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s an article in the Atlantic right now about how the key to happiness at this stage is to expect less from your kids. I couldn’t read it since I didn’t have my login… but maybe someone can post. I go wildly back and forth between trying to be a tiger mom and being very laid back and laissez faire. Now my morning has agreed with me that she should have taken her ECs more seriously and not dropped them. Infuriating, but at least she admits now I was right.

It’s not exactly that. I am not a tiger mom in the strict sense of the term at all, and I’ve let go of almost all expectations. The only one left is B and above in school. Classes don’t have to be advanced.

My question is, should I let go completely. He will be like that my friend’s kid, I have no doubt. Cs aplenty.
-OP