Holiday visits - anyone else experience this with older parents?

[Anonymous]

My parents are like this. They are truly excited but they are terse texters. And honestly, it's stress on them too to host you and your multiple young kids for the holidays. My parents are on the older side for my age so YMMV but as they hit their mid-70s it is A LOT to have our two kids and us in their space for that length of time. My mom particularly stresses about Christmas.

She actually told us she did not want us to come for Christmas morning once we had kids because it was too stressful with Santa, etc. It really wounded me to be honest, but I got over it and now, with the passage of time, I see that she was right.

[Anonymous]

I can see how it would sting but try and get your expectations in line the sooner the better. Life isn’t always the Hallmark commercial you think it is going be. Be excited with your nuclear family but don’t expect the other family members to be anything but cordial. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for unnecessary disappointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, if a friend were communicating with me about a visit, I would include some amount of enthusiasm. “Excited to see you!” Or something along those lines.

Guess I’m asking too much.

Grow up!

[Anonymous]

I think there's something to this, OP. As my parents have aged, their focus has become much more narrow and it often feels like my calls and visits are an imposition on their small routines (literally, interrupting the TV show). But they still resent that I moved away and don't visit more often.

I love them, I know they love me, I want my kids to have a relationship and good memories while those are available to be made. That's why we visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you’re too sensitive. You’re upset about…. People not seeming excited enough about you descending upon them in a couple weeks? Get a grip! They are the ones cleaning, figuring out bedding, hiding away vases and breakables, figuring out what to feed four extra people nine meals on fixed incomes, etc.

If this is how they feel, they should let OP know so she doesn’t bother.

[Anonymous]

Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse and I moved an 8 hour drive from where both of our families live - for a job opportunity. Been here 5 years. This is the first year we feel stable enough with kids getting bigger and more manageable to make the trip “home for the holidays”. Our families of origin are cordial with each other but there won’t be any combined time - definitely a case of 3 days with one side, pack it all up, 3 days with the other side.

I call my parents to run dates by them. Mom’s response: we’ll be here, glad you’re coming, so I won’t have to mail presents.

Spouse texts his parents (preferred method of communication) with proposed dates, asks if those dates work. Response: yes.

Am I too sensitive? Would love some enthusiasm for our visit on either or both sides. I’m packing up small children and am embarking on a full day drive each way to share time with you. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Bah humbug!

The visits were your idea though. You made a request, and they said, yes, instead of no.

What does "share time" mean?

People with little kids, no one one is going to be excited about your little kids as you are, even grandparents, so stop setting yourselves up for disappointment. No one else will have the ownership feeling, for lack of a better word, than you.

[Anonymous]

Well how enthusiastic were you in your call or your DH with the text? They probably matched your tone.

[Anonymous]

Your mistake is dragging your kids all over the place for the holidays. Time to put your nuclear family first and have holidays in their home not their grandparents home. Grandparents come to you if they want to see you for the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't sound like you were actually invited. Posters here seem to think that family needs a specific invitation before visiting family, not just showing up to take advantage. What else is going on at their homes around the holidays? Are they already hosting other people? Do you have a hotel booked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse and I moved an 8 hour drive from where both of our families live - for a job opportunity. Been here 5 years. This is the first year we feel stable enough with kids getting bigger and more manageable to make the trip “home for the holidays”. Our families of origin are cordial with each other but there won’t be any combined time - definitely a case of 3 days with one side, pack it all up, 3 days with the other side.

I call my parents to run dates by them. Mom’s response: we’ll be here, glad you’re coming, so I won’t have to mail presents.

Spouse texts his parents (preferred method of communication) with proposed dates, asks if those dates work. Response: yes.

Am I too sensitive? Would love some enthusiasm for our visit on either or both sides. I’m packing up small children and am embarking on a full day drive each way to share time with you. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Bah humbug!

OMG you’re high maintenance! I’d be exhausted by you wanting fanfare for your visit. ‘Yes’ is the only thing required - anything more, is just more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse and I moved an 8 hour drive from where both of our families live - for a job opportunity. Been here 5 years. This is the first year we feel stable enough with kids getting bigger and more manageable to make the trip “home for the holidays”. Our families of origin are cordial with each other but there won’t be any combined time - definitely a case of 3 days with one side, pack it all up, 3 days with the other side.

I call my parents to run dates by them. Mom’s response: we’ll be here, glad you’re coming, so I won’t have to mail presents.

Spouse texts his parents (preferred method of communication) with proposed dates, asks if those dates work. Response: yes.

Am I too sensitive? Would love some enthusiasm for our visit on either or both sides. I’m packing up small children and am embarking on a full day drive each way to share time with you. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Bah humbug!

The visits were your idea though. You made a request, and they said, yes, instead of no.

What does "share time" mean?

People with little kids, no one one is going to be excited about your little kids as you are, even grandparents, so stop setting yourselves up for disappointment. No one else will have the ownership feeling, for lack of a better word, than you.

Obviously it means spend time.

[Anonymous]

You’re the problem. You can’t control how people feel or respond.

Work on that OP.

[Anonymous]

You want a pat on the back for packing the kids up and going "home." Like a Hallmark movie of returning to the hometown where everyone has been awaiting your return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want a pat on the back for packing the kids up and going "home." Like a Hallmark movie of returning to the hometown where everyone has been awaiting your return.

I read it as was probably DH idea to go home and DW is already getting the list of reasons ready for why she will never go again.