Really stressed right now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are immigrants and in OUR home we are raising our kids in OUR culture. This includes talking in loud voices. Im sure other cultures would call it screaming. But that's part of how we discipline our children.

Outside of home they learn USA culture, music and food. They will grow up hybrid. Hopefully best of both worlds. But their foundation is from our parent culture and custom.

You have chosen to raise your kids in this country. You are going to have to adapt to some of the cultural norms and one of those is that we find verbal abuse of children abhorrent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are immigrants and in OUR home we are raising our kids in OUR culture. This includes talking in loud voices. Im sure other cultures would call it screaming. But that's part of how we discipline our children.

Outside of home they learn USA culture, music and food. They will grow up hybrid. Hopefully best of both worlds. But their foundation is from our parent culture and custom.

Screaming is abuse. Culture is an excuse.

Tell your local Italian

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are immigrants and in OUR home we are raising our kids in OUR culture. This includes talking in loud voices. Im sure other cultures would call it screaming. But that's part of how we discipline our children.

Outside of home they learn USA culture, music and food. They will grow up hybrid. Hopefully best of both worlds. But their foundation is from our parent culture and custom.

You have chosen to raise your kids in this country. You are going to have to adapt to some of the cultural norms and one of those is that we find verbal abuse of children abhorrent.

No we don’t.

[Anonymous]

Is this a public school? You can opt out of counseling. For the younger grades I could op out entirely, then for the older grades I would select whether there was still academic counseling. If you are in FCPS they updated the system so that you could do it online from the parent portal. It used to be that you needed to ask the front office for a form to sign. It makes life so much better to not deal with the school counselors. No one needs that kind of "data collection" just to get free counseling.

If your kid wants a counselor, offer a private one. This is much less likely to cause problems at the school or with CPS. It may cost money and you need to drive and schedule appointments, but if they worst thing happening is some screaming then the child will likely get bored quickly. You do not need escalating problems.

Is this a private school?

[Anonymous]

Lots of permissive mommas on here - you're the ones whose kids are wreaking havoc in the middle schools. DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILDREN.

[Anonymous]

Stop creaming at your kids. It’s harmful. Do you want them to hate you forever?

[Anonymous]

Here is the thing. Your kid proactively went to a guidance counselor to discuss the impact this screaming is having on them. You really need to have some empathy for the outcome this seems to be having on your child and work through what to do here. Your kid likely needs more support and so do you and your husband.

Your kid is being raised in a hybrid culture. You and your husband have to understand that this will have an impact on them. If they realize that none of their friends are getting screamed at when they get a B or roll their eyes from time to time, this is likely going to mean their reaction to what you are doing could be that they feel a ton of shame and embarrassment in a way they might not if all their peers were treated the same way. They don’t have friends to bond with and connect about this, because their friends may be horrified when they hear this. This stuff is really hard.

And I’m not saying you have to roll over and become a gentle parent. But there is perhaps a happy medium here that you and your husband could come to if you took some parenting classes. And if your kid is feeling terrible about themselves, or wanting to run away from home or self injure, then they need help too.

You need to lead with empathy here (for all of you) and not worry about CPS (which isn’t going to be a problem in the real world unless you are dramatically altering the facts in your description here).

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you’ve got some issues

[Anonymous]

I'm not a fan of screaming but you don't need to worry about CPS. I was raised by a screaming mom. Screaming may be normal in your culture, but it's negatively impacting your kid to the point they reached out to another adult for help. That's what you should be reflecting on. I hope you're able to talk to your kid about this. I was never able to. If I brought it up, my mom made me feel like I was overreacting or would guilt trip me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These regular screaming and scary screaming. It depends, it’s not that simple.

+1
I have realized early on through several confused conversations that my definition of yelling (raised voice, not always in frustration) is different from other people's definitions (a tone meant to strike fear)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is the thing. Your kid proactively went to a guidance counselor to discuss the impact this screaming is having on them. You really need to have some empathy for the outcome this seems to be having on your child and work through what to do here. Your kid likely needs more support and so do you and your husband.

Your kid is being raised in a hybrid culture. You and your husband have to understand that this will have an impact on them. If they realize that none of their friends are getting screamed at when they get a B or roll their eyes from time to time, this is likely going to mean their reaction to what you are doing could be that they feel a ton of shame and embarrassment in a way they might not if all their peers were treated the same way. They don’t have friends to bond with and connect about this, because their friends may be horrified when they hear this. This stuff is really hard.

And I’m not saying you have to roll over and become a gentle parent. But there is perhaps a happy medium here that you and your husband could come to if you took some parenting classes. And if your kid is feeling terrible about themselves, or wanting to run away from home or self injure, then they need help too.

You need to lead with empathy here (for all of you) and not worry about CPS (which isn’t going to be a problem in the real world unless you are dramatically altering the facts in your description here).

This is reflected in studies on spanking. If you are surrounded by non spanked kids, there is a marked negative impact versus those in a spanking culture

[Anonymous]

If it's cultural, why did DC tell the counselor if they knew it could cause trouble?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a public school? You can opt out of counseling. For the younger grades I could op out entirely, then for the older grades I would select whether there was still academic counseling. If you are in FCPS they updated the system so that you could do it online from the parent portal. It used to be that you needed to ask the front office for a form to sign. It makes life so much better to not deal with the school counselors. No one needs that kind of "data collection" just to get free counseling.

If your kid wants a counselor, offer a private one. This is much less likely to cause problems at the school or with CPS. It may cost money and you need to drive and schedule appointments, but if they worst thing happening is some screaming then the child will likely get bored quickly. You do not need escalating problems.

Is this a private school?

First off, not everyone can afford private counselors, period, end of story. So that's a dead end for many parents here.

Equally important: the only type of parent who gives this advice that you're giving PP is someone used to trying to cover up bad parenting, abuse even. What healthy parent tells others to opt their younger kids out of school counseling? Younger students are literally the ones who often don't know yet how to speak up if they're not ok. Teachers or couselors who notice that a child seems not ok should be able to ask how the child is doing and if a child, tween or teen says they're upset or sad or angry or anything, then they should be able to be referred to the school counselor.

PP I hope whatever your kids have experienced that makes you want to create distance between them and school counselors, and only see private counselors if you choose them, I hope your kids still wind up ok despite whatever makes you want to minimize the supports around them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is the thing. Your kid proactively went to a guidance counselor to discuss the impact this screaming is having on them. You really need to have some empathy for the outcome this seems to be having on your child and work through what to do here. Your kid likely needs more support and so do you and your husband.

Your kid is being raised in a hybrid culture. You and your husband have to understand that this will have an impact on them. If they realize that none of their friends are getting screamed at when they get a B or roll their eyes from time to time, this is likely going to mean their reaction to what you are doing could be that they feel a ton of shame and embarrassment in a way they might not if all their peers were treated the same way. They don’t have friends to bond with and connect about this, because their friends may be horrified when they hear this. This stuff is really hard.

And I’m not saying you have to roll over and become a gentle parent. But there is perhaps a happy medium here that you and your husband could come to if you took some parenting classes. And if your kid is feeling terrible about themselves, or wanting to run away from home or self injure, then they need help too.

You need to lead with empathy here (for all of you) and not worry about CPS (which isn’t going to be a problem in the real world unless you are dramatically altering the facts in your description here).

This is reflected in studies on spanking. If you are surrounded by non spanked kids, there is a marked negative impact versus those in a spanking culture

Please provide a cite or link for this, because your statement is incomplete and all the studies of corporal punishment/spanking that I'm familiar with show a negative impact regardless of whether it's a dominant behavior in local culture or a kid is in a culture where it's much more uncommon. Please link to the studies you're referencing or you're not believable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it's cultural, why did DC tell the counselor if they knew it could cause trouble?

Just because something is cultural doesn't mean the kid has to be ok with being screamed at. Obviously it is causing problems for him and that's why he reached out. Maybe he's hoping the counselor can give some advice about how to talk to his dad because of the cultural component. Maybe he's hoping the counselor can be a bridge for him.