When can shared custody end?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH says, “Son, Larla and your sister and I are going to be in Maui from the 23rd to the 29th. If you’d like to join us for some or all of that, let me know dates by Thanksgiving and we’ll buy you tickets.” Let DSS figure out his plans with his mom.

When you have a kid who celebrates Christmas, insisting on taking your vacation on those days is an a-hole move.

OP here. That really is the crux of all the conflict. But, even if you don't celebrate Christmas, that's when the break is. This year, we are just spending 10 days at. a beachhouse a few hours from our house. But there's no way to do this during break (which affects both DD and DSS at this point) without crossing Christmas Eve. We offered plane tickets direct from school to beach, from beach to hometown, and from hometown back to school ages ago. But the squabbling over scheduling is still going on. I have to drive back on 12/23 as well to work, so I offered to give him a ride, but DH didn't want to short a day.

Seems like all the parents here are choosing to make the schedule more complicated than it needs to be.

[Anonymous]

Surely some years he sees his mom for Christmas and some years he sees his dad at Christmas time for not-Christmas?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surely some years he sees his mom for Christmas and some years he sees his dad at Christmas time for not-Christmas?

From someone else in an interfaith blended family, this is ridiculous. Kids do not need to celebrate not-Christmas on the 25th, just like they don't need to attend not-Seders on Pesach.

OP writes like the beach vacation just happened, and they had no control. No choice but a 10 day trip that impacts Christmas Day. Literally no other options. That poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Can this man child at twenty six not visit who he wants when he wants?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were wrong to expect this would pass. This is why it sucks to have dysfunctional family dynamics . The logistical work never ends. It may never improve. If he has children it may be worse then. I do this with my parents and I loathe trying to coordinate everything. Wish I could just go home and have it be simple.

If you want him to just decide and announce his plans, you will have way less control of the schedule. Do you like that?

Your DH needs to suck it up. He chose to have a child with this person and that is on him. Set boundaries for his complaining to you.

Fixed that for you.

We have conversations about our plans and are considerate so this doesn’t happen. My SS is 32 and married himself. His wife is a nurse. When DIL works Thanksgiving or Christmas, he visits his mom. When DIL doesn’t, they visit us or her mom. They won’t have kids so maybe that’s why it is all less fraught for us.

It's very rude of you to edit my words. And no, it's because of the divorce. My family functions well. Yet, it's still logistical work to plan across two households. No matter how well people get along, it's still a chore. Stop trying to pretend it isn't a burden to your stepson. It is. And maybe that's part of why no kids.

1. Common practice online

2. It’s only a chore because you are inserting yourself in the decision making. Just say, “You are welcome when you can make it!” and actually mean it. You don’t have to do more.

3. My SS and DIL won’t have kids because her health is the priority over reproducing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were wrong to expect this would pass. This is why it sucks to have dysfunctional family dynamics . The logistical work never ends. It may never improve. If he has children it may be worse then. I do this with my parents and I loathe trying to coordinate everything. Wish I could just go home and have it be simple.

If you want him to just decide and announce his plans, you will have way less control of the schedule. Do you like that?

Your DH needs to suck it up. He chose to have a child with this person and that is on him. Set boundaries for his complaining to you.

Fixed that for you.

We have conversations about our plans and are considerate so this doesn’t happen. My SS is 32 and married himself. His wife is a nurse. When DIL works Thanksgiving or Christmas, he visits his mom. When DIL doesn’t, they visit us or her mom. They won’t have kids so maybe that’s why it is all less fraught for us.

It's very rude of you to edit my words. And no, it's because of the divorce. My family functions well. Yet, it's still logistical work to plan across two households. No matter how well people get along, it's still a chore. Stop trying to pretend it isn't a burden to your stepson. It is. And maybe that's part of why no kids.

1. Common practice online

2. It’s only a chore because you are inserting yourself in the decision making. Just say, “You are welcome when you can make it!” and actually mean it. You don’t have to do more.

3. My SS and DIL won’t have kids because her health is the priority over reproducing.

I'm the adult child. I have to decide where I and my husband and children will be at what time. Then make sure we have all our stuff and transport everyone and their stuff. It's a pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can this man child at twenty six not visit who he wants when he wants?

OP here. 1000%. He is welcome whenever wherever, and since he isn't earning money yet, we will absolutely facilitate in any way we can. In response to others, we aren't going to sit home doing nothing because he's at his moms celebrating Christmas. But I wish the negotiating between the exes would stop. I can't speak for his mom, but absolutely no hard feelings on this end with his choices. Our daughter left town over Christmas break last year to visit friends, no issue, so this isn't a step kid/bio kid thing !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH says, “Son, Larla and your sister and I are going to be in Maui from the 23rd to the 29th. If you’d like to join us for some or all of that, let me know dates by Thanksgiving and we’ll buy you tickets.” Let DSS figure out his plans with his mom.

When you have a kid who celebrates Christmas, insisting on taking your vacation on those days is an a-hole move.

OP here. That really is the crux of all the conflict. But, even if you don't celebrate Christmas, that's when the break is. This year, we are just spending 10 days at. a beachhouse a few hours from our house. But there's no way to do this during break (which affects both DD and DSS at this point) without crossing Christmas Eve. We offered plane tickets direct from school to beach, from beach to hometown, and from hometown back to school ages ago. But the squabbling over scheduling is still going on. I have to drive back on 12/23 as well to work, so I offered to give him a ride, but DH didn't want to short a day.

Well, you don't have to go for 10 days! Again, your DH is doing this to you. And making life difficult for his son. Either let the kid off the hook for feeling obligated to see his father, or don't make it so difficult and complicated.

As for you, OP, simply drop the rope and accept that your SS will show up or not, you'll have no control over it, and you'll adjust as needed when it happens. You'll be much happier that way. Stop expecting the simplicity of a nuclear family. This young man is trying to cope with a complex family situation and it's always going to be that way. For all of you. You married into this so take some responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately probably never.
This is why being a stepmom is so hard, but people still love to villainize them.

Welll, they get villainized because OP is so damn resentful. This is what a second marriage looks like. Complicated. If she didn’t want that she should not have signed up for it.

Why wouldn't she be resentful?
She wants her husband to herself without dealing with a kid that isn't hers and the ex forever.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can this man child at twenty six not visit who he wants when he wants?

OP here. 1000%. He is welcome whenever wherever, and since he isn't earning money yet, we will absolutely facilitate in any way we can. In response to others, we aren't going to sit home doing nothing because he's at his moms celebrating Christmas. But I wish the negotiating between the exes would stop. I can't speak for his mom, but absolutely no hard feelings on this end with his choices. Our daughter left town over Christmas break last year to visit friends, no issue, so this isn't a step kid/bio kid thing !

If he's welcome to visit whenever, then why do you want to know when he's arriving?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can this man child at twenty six not visit who he wants when he wants?

OP here. 1000%. He is welcome whenever wherever, and since he isn't earning money yet, we will absolutely facilitate in any way we can. In response to others, we aren't going to sit home doing nothing because he's at his moms celebrating Christmas. But I wish the negotiating between the exes would stop. I can't speak for his mom, but absolutely no hard feelings on this end with his choices. Our daughter left town over Christmas break last year to visit friends, no issue, so this isn't a step kid/bio kid thing !

If he's welcome to visit whenever, then why do you want to know when he's arriving?

NP. Oh good grief, because it’s nice to be able to plan your life? My husband is welcome to be in our house whenever (because he lives here!) but I want to know if he’s going to be out of town or if a trip I thought he was going to be on will be over early or if he’s not going to be home for dinner — surprises are logistical headaches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately probably never.
This is why being a stepmom is so hard, but people still love to villainize them.

Welll, they get villainized because OP is so damn resentful. This is what a second marriage looks like. Complicated. If she didn’t want that she should not have signed up for it.

Umm. . because dealing with this situation is a huge p.i.t.a. that is hard to envision when you are dating someone. It's not like you can sign up for it and understand the heartache in advance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Surely some years he sees his mom for Christmas and some years he sees his dad at Christmas time for not-Christmas?

From someone else in an interfaith blended family, this is ridiculous. Kids do not need to celebrate not-Christmas on the 25th, just like they don't need to attend not-Seders on Pesach.

OP writes like the beach vacation just happened, and they had no control. No choice but a 10 day trip that impacts Christmas Day. Literally no other options. That poor kid.

Okay, so he always spends the 25th with his mom? And some years he spends the time after the 25th with her, but other times with dad and stepmom? This just doesn’t sound like it needs to be that complicated. If dad and stepmom want to be out of town on the 25th, he can either join them later or not, and if it’s really important to Dad to see him in late December he can avoid being out of town at Christmas to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can this man child at twenty six not visit who he wants when he wants?

OP here. 1000%. He is welcome whenever wherever, and since he isn't earning money yet, we will absolutely facilitate in any way we can. In response to others, we aren't going to sit home doing nothing because he's at his moms celebrating Christmas. But I wish the negotiating between the exes would stop. I can't speak for his mom, but absolutely no hard feelings on this end with his choices. Our daughter left town over Christmas break last year to visit friends, no issue, so this isn't a step kid/bio kid thing !

If he's welcome to visit whenever, then why do you want to know when he's arriving?

NP. Oh good grief, because it’s nice to be able to plan your life? My husband is welcome to be in our house whenever (because he lives here!) but I want to know if he’s going to be out of town or if a trip I thought he was going to be on will be over early or if he’s not going to be home for dinner — surprises are logistical headaches.

Having divorced parents is a logistical headache! Planning holidays between your parents who can't stop bickering over TWENTY-FIVE YEARS is a logistical headache. So I'm glad you're coming to see that being in a stepfamily does indeed involve logistical headaches. For everyone. Nobody is going to be happy with this situation and that includes you. You married a man with a child and a difficult ex, and here you are experiencing the natural consequences.

Again, you have a DH problem here. I haven't a clue why your DH can't nail down an agreement with his ex. I haven't a clue why your DH is being so particular about the beach trip being 10 days vs. 9. And I haven't a clue why it's your problem. If your step-son shows up, can't it be your DH's responsibility to figure out meals and put sheets on the bed and stuff like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately probably never.
This is why being a stepmom is so hard, but people still love to villainize them.

Welll, they get villainized because OP is so damn resentful. This is what a second marriage looks like. Complicated. If she didn’t want that she should not have signed up for it.

Umm. . because dealing with this situation is a huge p.i.t.a. that is hard to envision when you are dating someone. It's not like you can sign up for it and understand the heartache in advance.

Of course you can understand it if you try, if you aren't naive and self-deluding. There are plenty of books about it. And since they haven't been getting along for TWENTY-FIVE YEARS, I wonder why OP is surprised that this year is difficult.