When can shared custody end?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can this man child at twenty six not visit who he wants when he wants?

OP here. 1000%. He is welcome whenever wherever, and since he isn't earning money yet, we will absolutely facilitate in any way we can. In response to others, we aren't going to sit home doing nothing because he's at his moms celebrating Christmas. But I wish the negotiating between the exes would stop. I can't speak for his mom, but absolutely no hard feelings on this end with his choices. Our daughter left town over Christmas break last year to visit friends, no issue, so this isn't a step kid/bio kid thing !

If he's welcome to visit whenever, then why do you want to know when he's arriving?

Honestly, I'm fine either way. It's nice to know. It makes plane tickets a lot easier and less expensive. But, honestly, the worst part for me is the endless squabbling between husband and his ex. I told him last night I was tired hearing about it and he didn't take that well. It was one thing to be sympathetic when they were actually discussing the schedule of a child, but it seems so unnecessary now. That's my main complaint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can this man child at twenty six not visit who he wants when he wants?

OP here. 1000%. He is welcome whenever wherever, and since he isn't earning money yet, we will absolutely facilitate in any way we can. In response to others, we aren't going to sit home doing nothing because he's at his moms celebrating Christmas. But I wish the negotiating between the exes would stop. I can't speak for his mom, but absolutely no hard feelings on this end with his choices. Our daughter left town over Christmas break last year to visit friends, no issue, so this isn't a step kid/bio kid thing !

If he's welcome to visit whenever, then why do you want to know when he's arriving?

Honestly, I'm fine either way. It's nice to know. It makes plane tickets a lot easier and less expensive. But, honestly, the worst part for me is the endless squabbling between husband and his ex. I told him last night I was tired hearing about it and he didn't take that well. It was one thing to be sympathetic when they were actually discussing the schedule of a child, but it seems so unnecessary now. That's my main complaint.

Again-- DH problem. It's not your stepson's fault that his parents bicker, and it's not your stepson's fault that your DH whines to you about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can this man child at twenty six not visit who he wants when he wants?

OP here. 1000%. He is welcome whenever wherever, and since he isn't earning money yet, we will absolutely facilitate in any way we can. In response to others, we aren't going to sit home doing nothing because he's at his moms celebrating Christmas. But I wish the negotiating between the exes would stop. I can't speak for his mom, but absolutely no hard feelings on this end with his choices. Our daughter left town over Christmas break last year to visit friends, no issue, so this isn't a step kid/bio kid thing !

If he's welcome to visit whenever, then why do you want to know when he's arriving?

Honestly, I'm fine either way. It's nice to know. It makes plane tickets a lot easier and less expensive. But, honestly, the worst part for me is the endless squabbling between husband and his ex. I told him last night I was tired hearing about it and he didn't take that well. It was one thing to be sympathetic when they were actually discussing the schedule of a child, but it seems so unnecessary now. That's my main complaint.

Again-- DH problem. It's not your stepson's fault that his parents bicker, and it's not your stepson's fault that your DH whines to you about it.

OP again. I agree 1000%!

[Anonymous]

Why are people making this so complicated -- he's an adult. My college senior isn't even coming home for Thanksgiving because he has to work, and it's too far to travel. I'm sad, but that is the responsible adult deicsion he made. My friend's adult child decided to spend the holdiay with her boyfriend's family. She's sad, but that's the adult decision she made. My cousin has four adult kids and rarely can get themall hoem at teh same time because they are all married and have inlaws too. Divorce or not, two families in the mix or four or six or eight, adults can't be everywhere at once and have to make some tough decisions.

Most 26YOs are not actually able to spend every holiday with all the people who would like to see them. This is normal. It's not even about divorce, that's just one of many reasons that interfere with plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH says, “Son, Larla and your sister and I are going to be in Maui from the 23rd to the 29th. If you’d like to join us for some or all of that, let me know dates by Thanksgiving and we’ll buy you tickets.” Let DSS figure out his plans with his mom.

When you have a kid who celebrates Christmas, insisting on taking your vacation on those days is an a-hole move.

OP here. That really is the crux of all the conflict. But, even if you don't celebrate Christmas, that's when the break is. This year, we are just spending 10 days at. a beachhouse a few hours from our house. But there's no way to do this during break (which affects both DD and DSS at this point) without crossing Christmas Eve. We offered plane tickets direct from school to beach, from beach to hometown, and from hometown back to school ages ago. But the squabbling over scheduling is still going on. I have to drive back on 12/23 as well to work, so I offered to give him a ride, but DH didn't want to short a day.

DH can give up a day. Geez. Tell him to. Quality time > quantity time and inconveniencing you, DS, and Ex.

DH is TA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were wrong to expect this would pass. This is why it sucks to have dysfunctional family dynamics . The logistical work never ends. It may never improve. If he has children it may be worse then. I do this with my parents and I loathe trying to coordinate everything. Wish I could just go home and have it be simple.

If you want him to just decide and announce his plans, you will have way less control of the schedule. Do you like that?

Your DH needs to suck it up. He chose to have a child with this person and that is on him. Set boundaries for his complaining to you.

Fixed that for you.

We have conversations about our plans and are considerate so this doesn’t happen. My SS is 32 and married himself. His wife is a nurse. When DIL works Thanksgiving or Christmas, he visits his mom. When DIL doesn’t, they visit us or her mom. They won’t have kids so maybe that’s why it is all less fraught for us.

It's very rude of you to edit my words. And no, it's because of the divorce. My family functions well. Yet, it's still logistical work to plan across two households. No matter how well people get along, it's still a chore. Stop trying to pretend it isn't a burden to your stepson. It is. And maybe that's part of why no kids.

lol, is this your first time on the internet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like this is a situation created by the parents. If this young person had so much trauma around shared custody, that he can't handle negotiating this, then that's the parents' fault. So, putting on him to fix isn't fair.

I can't imagine what it would be like being a little kid and not knowing what the holidays would be like. That sounds really terrible, and yet your DH clearly created that situation, since it's not that hard to create a predictable custody schedule. It sounds like both adults put their need to conflict over the need of a young child. Now, when they're dealing with a small fraction of what he went through they're whining?

I tend to +1 this.

I grew up with joint custody, and in thinking back, by the time I was in high school, the holiday plans were solid and the same every year. Thanksgiving with Mom and her family. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with Dad, Fake Christmas the next day with mom. We'd been doing that for like a decade. I'm sure that at one point it was contentious, but not for years and years and years. So once I went away to school, we just continued on, and eventually, as I got older and moved and had fewer vacation days, it fell to me to talk to my parents and adjust as needed. I stopped traveling for Thanksgiving, for example, and started seeing my mom over easter. Christmas now alternates with my husband's family. But these all became 1:1 conversations between me and the parent I was changing things on.

But it sounds like you guys never got into a groove - you were still fighting (or at least negotiating) holidays when your kid was a teenager, even though the divorce was over a decade ago. So OF COURSE your kid didn't want to step into the fighting!

So my question would be - why on earth haven't you guys long since landed on a standard schedule? If you had that, something long term everyone agreed to, then you'd do that a few years, and any future changes would of course be handled by (and probably driven by!) your stepson as his life and needs change.

But no, it's not fair to have him step in and handle a contentious issue.

So why is it still changing every year??

OP here. That really sounds amazing. Just to be clear, I am the step mom in the situation, so the logistics have never been up to me. Thinking back, I think it evolved this way because both my husband and his ex like to travel during the holidays combined with the fact, ex celebrates Christmas and we don't. So the holidays were a really complex formula based around her getting Christmas every year and the longer period of time that either did or did not include Christmas alternating. This all went out the window during Covid as this was right around the time DSS went to college. And they've never gotton back in a groove, so every year is a crazy negotiation.

I totally understand DSS not wanting to get in the middle of this, but, I also wish my husband would just drop the ball on squabbling with his ex about it too. Seems like we could invite DSS to join us either locally or on a trip (trips are not a huge deal recently and we are willing to fly him in and out separately as he likes) rather than engaging in protracted negotiations

PP here. It’s not fair for your husband to drop the ball without working something out. If HE can’t work it out, why should he expect his son to be able to do so? Have him call his ex and say, “look, all this squabbling is silly. Why don’t you take Christmas every year, we’ll alternate Thanksgivings, and we’ll take (some minor holiday you like that wouldn’t be contentious - if you’re Jewish maybe Passover?) - and as a gesture of goodwill, why doesn’t DS coming to your house for Thanksgiving this year to start?

Then: you’re done forever. And once all the animosity and back and forth with your husband and his ex is over, and you have a few calm years, you can step back and any future changes your DSS can handle.

[Anonymous]

I think you should have some empathy for this kid and try to support him as he's trying to please everyone and in a difficult spot. You want alone time, offer him to visit another time and pay the ticket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems like this is a situation created by the parents. If this young person had so much trauma around shared custody, that he can't handle negotiating this, then that's the parents' fault. So, putting on him to fix isn't fair.

I can't imagine what it would be like being a little kid and not knowing what the holidays would be like. That sounds really terrible, and yet your DH clearly created that situation, since it's not that hard to create a predictable custody schedule. It sounds like both adults put their need to conflict over the need of a young child. Now, when they're dealing with a small fraction of what he went through they're whining?

I tend to +1 this.

I grew up with joint custody, and in thinking back, by the time I was in high school, the holiday plans were solid and the same every year. Thanksgiving with Mom and her family. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with Dad, Fake Christmas the next day with mom. We'd been doing that for like a decade. I'm sure that at one point it was contentious, but not for years and years and years. So once I went away to school, we just continued on, and eventually, as I got older and moved and had fewer vacation days, it fell to me to talk to my parents and adjust as needed. I stopped traveling for Thanksgiving, for example, and started seeing my mom over easter. Christmas now alternates with my husband's family. But these all became 1:1 conversations between me and the parent I was changing things on.

But it sounds like you guys never got into a groove - you were still fighting (or at least negotiating) holidays when your kid was a teenager, even though the divorce was over a decade ago. So OF COURSE your kid didn't want to step into the fighting!

So my question would be - why on earth haven't you guys long since landed on a standard schedule? If you had that, something long term everyone agreed to, then you'd do that a few years, and any future changes would of course be handled by (and probably driven by!) your stepson as his life and needs change.

But no, it's not fair to have him step in and handle a contentious issue.

So why is it still changing every year??

OP here. That really sounds amazing. Just to be clear, I am the step mom in the situation, so the logistics have never been up to me. Thinking back, I think it evolved this way because both my husband and his ex like to travel during the holidays combined with the fact, ex celebrates Christmas and we don't. So the holidays were a really complex formula based around her getting Christmas every year and the longer period of time that either did or did not include Christmas alternating. This all went out the window during Covid as this was right around the time DSS went to college. And they've never gotton back in a groove, so every year is a crazy negotiation.

I totally understand DSS not wanting to get in the middle of this, but, I also wish my husband would just drop the ball on squabbling with his ex about it too. Seems like we could invite DSS to join us either locally or on a trip (trips are not a huge deal recently and we are willing to fly him in and out separately as he likes) rather than engaging in protracted negotiations

PP here. It’s not fair for your husband to drop the ball without working something out. If HE can’t work it out, why should he expect his son to be able to do so? Have him call his ex and say, “look, all this squabbling is silly. Why don’t you take Christmas every year, we’ll alternate Thanksgivings, and we’ll take (some minor holiday you like that wouldn’t be contentious - if you’re Jewish maybe Passover?) - and as a gesture of goodwill, why doesn’t DS coming to your house for Thanksgiving this year to start?

Then: you’re done forever. And once all the animosity and back and forth with your husband and his ex is over, and you have a few calm years, you can step back and any future changes your DSS can handle.

This. You need a routine. It's burdensome and annoying for everyone to have to plan every year from scratch. Give up Christmas and take 4th of July or something. Your stepson will be relieved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were wrong to expect this would pass. This is why it sucks to have dysfunctional family dynamics . The logistical work never ends. It may never improve. If he has children it may be worse then. I do this with my parents and I loathe trying to coordinate everything. Wish I could just go home and have it be simple.

If you want him to just decide and announce his plans, you will have way less control of the schedule. Do you like that?

Your DH needs to suck it up. He chose to have a child with this person and that is on him. Set boundaries for his complaining to you.

Fixed that for you.

We have conversations about our plans and are considerate so this doesn’t happen. My SS is 32 and married himself. His wife is a nurse. When DIL works Thanksgiving or Christmas, he visits his mom. When DIL doesn’t, they visit us or her mom. They won’t have kids so maybe that’s why it is all less fraught for us.

It's very rude of you to edit my words. And no, it's because of the divorce. My family functions well. Yet, it's still logistical work to plan across two households. No matter how well people get along, it's still a chore. Stop trying to pretend it isn't a burden to your stepson. It is. And maybe that's part of why no kids.

1. Common practice online

2. It’s only a chore because you are inserting yourself in the decision making. Just say, “You are welcome when you can make it!” and actually mean it. You don’t have to do more.

3. My SS and DIL won’t have kids because her health is the priority over reproducing.

I'm the adult child. I have to decide where I and my husband and children will be at what time. Then make sure we have all our stuff and transport everyone and their stuff. It's a pain.

Why not just stay home, then?

You can host or just enjoy your immediate family.

I do not understand why people act as if spending the holidays with family is legally required upon pain of death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were wrong to expect this would pass. This is why it sucks to have dysfunctional family dynamics . The logistical work never ends. It may never improve. If he has children it may be worse then. I do this with my parents and I loathe trying to coordinate everything. Wish I could just go home and have it be simple.

If you want him to just decide and announce his plans, you will have way less control of the schedule. Do you like that?

Your DH needs to suck it up. He chose to have a child with this person and that is on him. Set boundaries for his complaining to you.

Fixed that for you.

We have conversations about our plans and are considerate so this doesn’t happen. My SS is 32 and married himself. His wife is a nurse. When DIL works Thanksgiving or Christmas, he visits his mom. When DIL doesn’t, they visit us or her mom. They won’t have kids so maybe that’s why it is all less fraught for us.

It's very rude of you to edit my words. And no, it's because of the divorce. My family functions well. Yet, it's still logistical work to plan across two households. No matter how well people get along, it's still a chore. Stop trying to pretend it isn't a burden to your stepson. It is. And maybe that's part of why no kids.

1. Common practice online

2. It’s only a chore because you are inserting yourself in the decision making. Just say, “You are welcome when you can make it!” and actually mean it. You don’t have to do more.

3. My SS and DIL won’t have kids because her health is the priority over reproducing.

I'm the adult child. I have to decide where I and my husband and children will be at what time. Then make sure we have all our stuff and transport everyone and their stuff. It's a pain.

Why not just stay home, then?

You can host or just enjoy your immediate family.

I do not understand why people act as if spending the holidays with family is legally required upon pain of death.

Because I feel a moral obligation to my children that they spend time with their grandparents, and because my parents are not healthy enough to travel to me.

[Anonymous]

“We are eating Thanksgiving dinner at 2 pm. If I don’t hear from you by Wednesday evening, I will assume you will not be joining us.”

“We will be in San Diego Dec 20-30; let us know by Nov 1 if you would like to join us for all or part of that time.”

“We are going to Benihana for dinner tonight at 7. Let me know by 5 if you want to attend.”

The child isn’t in the middle, and has an out, if he has better plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“We are eating Thanksgiving dinner at 2 pm. If I don’t hear from you by Wednesday evening, I will assume you will not be joining us.”

“We will be in San Diego Dec 20-30; let us know by Nov 1 if you would like to join us for all or part of that time.”

“We are going to Benihana for dinner tonight at 7. Let me know by 5 if you want to attend.”

The child isn’t in the middle, and has an out, if he has better plans.

The child isn’t in the plans either. OP’s DH, who sounds super controlling and high conflict, created this situation. He needs to solve it by coming up with a consistent routine with his ex and then scheduling things to accommodate.

[Anonymous]

25 years of a squabbling, contentious relationship is way over the top. These adult children needed to have learned better ways of communicating decades ago. They both sound awful. What horrible parents they are.

[Anonymous]

The DH needs to NOT be talking to the mom of his 26 YEAR OLD 'child' about the 'child's' plans. That's ridiculous! I coparent and have one minor, and 2 adult kids. The adults (and the 26 is one) make their arrangements with us parents (we do talk regarding the minor of course).

Essentially, we let the adult kids know our plans (ex. I'm planning to serve dinner at 3) and the adult 'child' lets me know if they are coming or not, or if there is any flexibility ('dad's eating at 2, could we eat later? 'sounds good, see you then') .

OP, in your case, I'd just assume the adult dc is coming and ignore the dh and ex. Just step away from their nonsense.