If you’re in your 50s +, do you have friends who still have regular drama and need to talk for ‘advice’?

[Anonymous]

Perhaps you should consider just taking a mental vacation from all of these friends for awhile.

And maybe use the time to meet some new people > preferably those that have their sh%# together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say drama, but my friends and I are all in perimenopause with kids in high school. We lean on each other, commiserate, and brainstorm. Isn't that what friends are for?

+1

I'm 46, not in my 50's, but at this age people are getting divorced, children are teenagers, parents are aging/dying, women are going through perimenopause, people are having mid-life crises. Never mind everything else happening with the government, jobs, the economy. It's a tough time, so yeah, my friends and I still need each other. I wouldn't say we have "regular drama" - the example of the person who is having "boy troubles" at this age strikes me as odd - but everyone has their own issues they're dealing with and we lean on each other and ask for advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend has always struggled with depression. My interactions with her almost always turn into sad conversations about the state of the world, or her complaining about her job (when she has one) or lack of (when she doesn't). She will describe minute details of past interactions that I personally don't feel warrants such agonies... except that she takes all of them very much to heart and it brings her down.

I always listen, because she's also a really nice, supportive person when I have issues of my own. But it's strange to always be in this cycle with her, when my conversations with other friends are always much more upbeat and positive. And some of these friends have terrible health problems or other life events, so it's not like they have objectively happier lives.

This is exactly my friend with depression

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am probably on the needier dramatic side of things after reading OP’s posts. I have had a hard life starting with birth, I am adopted and had abusive parents. I go to a therapist now but for a long time I thought my friends would stay the same as they were in high school and college, when we would actually engage and listen to each other. I didn’t grow up with a lot of EQ training or empathetic parents. It took me awhile of friends becoming kind of mean to realize what some friends consider normal friendship and sharing our internal struggles about life, others consider drama or neediness. The ones who consider it drama I notice are kind of status-oriented and externally focused, so maybe they don’t like to share anything about themselves and have an issue with vulnerability. Anyway, I’ve learned my lessons and only share with my therapist, my partner, and friends who can handle real life now.

This strikes me as very immature. I suspect your friends can handle ‘real life’ it’s just that they don’t have the time or inclination to hear all of your problems all of the time. The issue is a matter of overdoing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say drama, but my friends and I are all in perimenopause with kids in high school. We lean on each other, commiserate, and brainstorm. Isn't that what friends are for?

At age 50, when most of us have partners and work too, I would find a friend who needed to have frequent talks for advice rather childish.

Actually, slightly less than half of all women in the US are married, as of 2024. Among my social circle, the women in their 50s who are still married have mostly “made their peace” with the spouse but aren’t BFFs sharing every thought. A lot of transactional yet enduring marriages out there among GenX.

So not surprising that women, married or among the large cohort that is UNmarried, would want someone to talk with

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a difference between being a “drama llama” and sharing what’s going on in our lives. There’s absolutely zero drama in my relationship with my best friend, but when we catch up in the midst of our busy lives, she’ll share stories (just an example) about a difficult employee (which is equal parts venting, laughter and advice) and I’ll share about my child’s sometimes bumpy transition to college, etc - but we’re both interested and it’s always balanced; our communication is healthy and loving. Friendships that are just surface have their place in my life, for sure but with my closest friends, we can go deep. And that’s different from “drama.”

+100. People here seem to have a difficult time understanding that sharing their problems and vulnerability is not dramatic… the drama friend is an entirely different beast

This is a common problem with DCUM posters. They only see things in black and white. Which is a hallmark of personality disorders. Just saying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say drama, but my friends and I are all in perimenopause with kids in high school. We lean on each other, commiserate, and brainstorm. Isn't that what friends are for?

+1 I appreciate my friends where we can catch up, fill each other in on what’s going on with our lives, talk about our ups and downs, and just generally commiserate and/or celebrate. Conversation is reciprocal with give and take, we are both there to talk and listen to one another equally.


What I do find annoying are friends who think their problems are so much worse than everyone else’s, and make a huge problem out of every little thing. For example, I have a friend whose husband travels a lot for work, and she’s always complaining about how hard her life is taking care of her kids, making them breakfast every morning, driving them around, etc. (along with her full-time nanny and housekeeper). I am in the same boat as she is with three kids and a husband who isn’t around a whole lot, but her level of complaining takes it to another level. I find that after our conversations, I know everything going on in her life and she basically has no idea what’s going on with mine because she never asks and never gives me an in in the conversation to start talking. She also feels the need to be the center of attention… If she feels slighted, she’ll let you know, but nothing is ever her fault. She also happens to be a really big drinker, maybe she’s an alcoholic, who knows. These are the types of friends who are annoying. On the flipside, given her need for constant attention, she often throws parties and is very social, and can be really fun. I’m getting to the point in my 50s, though, where I’m not sure it’s worth it.

[Anonymous]

Teenage drama — check
Marriage drama — check
Divorce/ Post divorce drama — check
Work drama — check

Many of my friends with older kids have some kind of drama related to them. Mental health often. It’s not easy to have teens.

Marriage drama — people have midlife crises or their spouses do. One friend had a spouse who transitioned.

Divorce drama, post divorce dating… yup.

The work drama is mainly from a friend who works in the creative industry.

On the extreme end of the spectrum I have one or two friends who have always struggled with mental health but for the most part I have drifted from people who are very unstable.

I don’t think it means they necessarily are dramatic people, many of these friends are very stable. Life is complicated. Raising families and having marriages is complicated. The closer you are to people the more they share about their struggles. I think it’s healthy to be able to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say drama, but my friends and I are all in perimenopause with kids in high school. We lean on each other, commiserate, and brainstorm. Isn't that what friends are for?

+1 I appreciate my friends where we can catch up, fill each other in on what’s going on with our lives, talk about our ups and downs, and just generally commiserate and/or celebrate. Conversation is reciprocal with give and take, we are both there to talk and listen to one another equally.


What I do find annoying are friends who think their problems are so much worse than everyone else’s, and make a huge problem out of every little thing. For example, I have a friend whose husband travels a lot for work, and she’s always complaining about how hard her life is taking care of her kids, making them breakfast every morning, driving them around, etc. (along with her full-time nanny and housekeeper). I am in the same boat as she is with three kids and a husband who isn’t around a whole lot, but her level of complaining takes it to another level. I find that after our conversations, I know everything going on in her life and she basically has no idea what’s going on with mine because she never asks and never gives me an in in the conversation to start talking. She also feels the need to be the center of attention… If she feels slighted, she’ll let you know, but nothing is ever her fault. She also happens to be a really big drinker, maybe she’s an alcoholic, who knows. These are the types of friends who are annoying. On the flipside, given her need for constant attention, she often throws parties and is very social, and can be really fun. I’m getting to the point in my 50s, though, where I’m not sure it’s worth it.

I'm a PP and this sums up my drama-filled friend and our one-sided friendship. I realized after our last half hour convo that she had no idea what was going on with me so I texted her about something going on in my life and she texted back "I understand." Not sure what I was expecting but after a half hour listening and advising on her latest crisis, I guess I expected more than two words, even over text. As PP said, "I'm getting to the point in my 50s, though, where I'm not sure it's worth it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teenage drama — check
Marriage drama — check
Divorce/ Post divorce drama — check
Work drama — check

Many of my friends with older kids have some kind of drama related to them. Mental health often. It’s not easy to have teens.

Marriage drama — people have midlife crises or their spouses do. One friend had a spouse who transitioned.

Divorce drama, post divorce dating… yup.

The work drama is mainly from a friend who works in the creative industry.

On the extreme end of the spectrum I have one or two friends who have always struggled with mental health but for the most part I have drifted from people who are very unstable.

I don’t think it means they necessarily are dramatic people, many of these friends are very stable. Life is complicated. Raising families and having marriages is complicated. The closer you are to people the more they share about their struggles. I think it’s healthy to be able to do that.

I don’t think you’re following

[Anonymous]

I don't. Most of the friends who were like that in the past either grew out of their drama or stopped being friends.

[Anonymous]

My friends can share with me as much as they’d like. If I don’t have the bandwidth at the moment for whatever reason, I just say so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say drama, but my friends and I are all in perimenopause with kids in high school. We lean on each other, commiserate, and brainstorm. Isn't that what friends are for?

+1 I appreciate my friends where we can catch up, fill each other in on what’s going on with our lives, talk about our ups and downs, and just generally commiserate and/or celebrate. Conversation is reciprocal with give and take, we are both there to talk and listen to one another equally.


What I do find annoying are friends who think their problems are so much worse than everyone else’s, and make a huge problem out of every little thing. For example, I have a friend whose husband travels a lot for work, and she’s always complaining about how hard her life is taking care of her kids, making them breakfast every morning, driving them around, etc. (along with her full-time nanny and housekeeper). I am in the same boat as she is with three kids and a husband who isn’t around a whole lot, but her level of complaining takes it to another level. I find that after our conversations, I know everything going on in her life and she basically has no idea what’s going on with mine because she never asks and never gives me an in in the conversation to start talking. She also feels the need to be the center of attention… If she feels slighted, she’ll let you know, but nothing is ever her fault. She also happens to be a really big drinker, maybe she’s an alcoholic, who knows. These are the types of friends who are annoying. On the flipside, given her need for constant attention, she often throws parties and is very social, and can be really fun. I’m getting to the point in my 50s, though, where I’m not sure it’s worth it.

I'm a PP and this sums up my drama-filled friend and our one-sided friendship. I realized after our last half hour convo that she had no idea what was going on with me so I texted her about something going on in my life and she texted back "I understand." Not sure what I was expecting but after a half hour listening and advising on her latest crisis, I guess I expected more than two words, even over text. As PP said, "I'm getting to the point in my 50s, though, where I'm not sure it's worth it."

Also have one of those friends. I make a game out of how long it takes her to ask me a question and sometimes in a 45-minute conversation, it's never. Amd the questions are more generic, like what's up with you? Not specific ones that mean she listened, like a follow up to something I told her. One time she asked about a special vacation I took with my daughter, and every time I told her something she compared it to her high school trip there over thirty years ago. I thought it was the rare time the focus was on my experience, but nope.

The weirdest thing she does is advice shop. She doesn't really want your opinion, she wants validation. If you don't agree with what she's decided, she'll bring up someone who does. I've learned not to give it much thought and just say whatever.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but my friends are having real, painful life events such as deaths and divorce and teen/adult child big problems. I talk to them all the time.
I myself just went through a horrific divorce and am blessed to have good friends who picked me up off the floor several times.

So you're lucky and have not YET had real problems, but I suggest to be there for your friends, for when you will need them later on.

Or if it's truly manmade drama, then by all means ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but my friends are having real, painful life events such as deaths and divorce and teen/adult child big problems. I talk to them all the time.
I myself just went through a horrific divorce and am blessed to have good friends who picked me up off the floor several times.

So you're lucky and have not YET had real problems, but I suggest to be there for your friends, for when you will need them later on.

Or if it's truly manmade drama, then by all means ignore.

What are you talking about? I’m a poster above and of course I’ve had ‘real problems’. Divorce, elder care and then deaths, layoffs, issues with dc, a mentally ill sibling, some health issues, etc. The one thing I have not had is a serious illness that could kill me or my loved ones (aside from elderly relatives).

But everything else- check

But I know my friends have the same. We get together and commiserate or check in by text. I do not expect my friends to spend hours talking to me every week about just my problems.